Throwing Oneself A Party And The Reasons To Do So

[JudiAU]

I recently completed my course work for my graduate degree and would like to do something to celebrate. I was thinking of inviting family and friends (about 25 people) to lunch at a local restaurant. I'll send nice invitations and ask them to RSVP.  Of course I intend to pay.  I would appreciate some input on the following plan because I am 55% sure it is fine and 45% concerned I am violating some terrific etiquette rule because essentially I am throwing myself my own party.

1) So, is this acceptable? Is it more or less acceptable if my husband is the host? (see below)  Is it more or less acceptable if my mother is the host? (see below)

So, I also admit that I am in this position because I am a little miffed. And I can't tell if I should be miffed or that it is unreasonable to be miffed or that it is too early to be miffed. I feel like someone (my family-- my husband) should have made a fuss and hasn't and maybe that is unfair or the timing hasn't worked out yet. But still-- I am hurt.  My staff bought me some beautiful flowers the day of and also bought me a nice gift card. Husband seemed surprised.

Most people in my program graduate in the Spring but I finished early. The only graduation ceremony is in the Spring. My mother very much wanted to watch me graduate which would have required a trip out-of-state/hotels all of which was understood and fine and happy-making for her. I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about the plan, mostly because of the vacation time I would use, but was going to cheerfully go because she wanted to see me "walk."  My husband never mentioned that we cared about going one way or other and I admit I was a little annoyed about his lack of interest. At least that has been the plan but it turns out that my pregnancy won't allow me to attend-- in fact I am scheduled to give birth the weekend of graduation.

A couple of other key pieces of information include the fact that I finished my school work the same week as our annual Hanukkah party when most of our friends found out I was pregnant so-- husband went around saying Pregnancy!… and oh yeah--she finished graduate school too. And it was also the week before Christmas so-- husband went around saying Pregnancy!… and oh yeah--she finished graduate school too.. And the kind of fuss that my husband probably would have made when I finished (champagne-- dinner out) wasn't an option because of my delicate condition.

 I am also a little miffed because Dh's family-- the ones who make a big fuss over every achievement of Brilliant BIL. I mean I for the last seven years I've heard about every class, every paper, every conversation with a professor, etc. and now that he is working I know more about his work conditions than his coworkers.  Needless to say when he was granted his master's degree (merely a formality when you are getting a Phd) the entire extended family flew out (I was expected to as well) and then again for his PhD, etc. (again I flew across the country). All three members of the family visited during the holidays and not a single one of them said congratulations about finishing my degree. Nada-- zip-- even after I mentioned finishing school the week before. I feel like they've been sort of dismissive of the whole thing from the start.

2) Am I  justified in feeling a little hurt? Should a bigger fuss have been made? Was the timing just bad? Are my hormones out of control?

[duhrich]

First of all.....  Congratulations!!!

I can understand why you feel hurt. It's kind of like hitting a milestone birthday and no one throws you a party when everyone else in the family gets one. Unless your dh's family has given you other reasons, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. To them, the pregnancy is probably the bigger news, even though graduating is a wonderful personal achievement.

When I graduated from college after many years of picking away at it, I had to do what felt uncomfortable and tell people how excited I was about my achievement. I then got some wonderful cards, notes of congratulations, etc. Luckily I have a wonderful MIL, who took the time to drive to my graduation. Sometimes, it seems like you have to give people clues so they know how to respond.

I'm not an expert in etiquette, but if you are going to hold a dinner party and pay for everyone, I don't see a problem with it.

[Chocolate Cake]

You are not being unreasonable for being miffed that no one in your family, least of all your husband, have not made your completion a cause for celebration.   These are the kinds of things that can drive a wedge in relationships, so......

If I were you, I'd ask my husband about it.  Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "What's up with your seeming lack of interest in the fact that I completed my graduate studies?"  and "Were you thinking I wouldn't be done so soon or what?" and (to give him an out)  "Maybe you planning to celebrate following my official graduation ceremony?" and "If so, please don't wait until then because I may not actually get to take the walk as we might have our hands full with a baby by then."

Then, the next time you speak to your in-laws, feel free to interupt their diatribe about Brilliant BIL by telling them of your achievement.

[BatCity]

This is an opportunity for you to be direct with your husband.

"Honey, I want you to throw me a graduation party.  Here's the guest list."

DH told me a year in advance what he wanted for his graduation party (he went to college in his thirties and finished in three years), then acted surprised when I actually delivered. 

Lara

[freakyfemme]

Yeah, congratulations  You definitely deserve it, and you should *definitely* be celebrating.  Your family is horribly inconsiderate not to recognize such a wonderful achievement, and I'm not just saying that either....I'm a semester shy of finishing my B.A., and that in itself has definitely been a challenge, so I can only imagine what you've been able to accomplish.  The thing is, though......your husband might not fully understand for himself what a big deal it is, so you might have to nudge him a bit.  When I got approved to do my Honours in Performance, I went home and told my roommate, "Hey, Roommate, I just got into the Honours program, let's get dressed up a bit and go out to Acoustic Night."; and we did.  I know it's not the ideal solution, and probably not *strictly* etiquettely correct, but it meant I got to celebrate.....and so should you, even if you have to get the ball rolling yourself.  Maybe all you'll have to do is say "I'm feeling celebratory," and your husband will catch on, and get something organized.  If not, well......just go with your original plan.

[MineralDiva]

Obviously, they don't deep down consider you "family."  You simply happen to be the person their son married.  When there is a milestone in their family that would require his presence to partake in celebration, of course you're invited as his wife.

But when you accomplish something important yourself, they don't feel obligated to get too excited.  You're really nothing to them.  It's up to your husband to provide all the congratulations you're going to be getting from his side of the family.  After all, it means more to him (and you) than it does in the daily grind to them.

Do I agree with their behavior?  NO!  Shame on them for being such snots! 

Congratulations on your achievement...and enjoy the celebration of it...whatever you decide to do with whomever wishes to share your excitement!

[Lunadiana75]

Congrats!

I throw all my own parties. I am 31 and single, ALL my friends are coupled off, if I didn't throw my own party, no one would.  I provide lots of food and drink, and everyone has fun.  A lot of people on the board call me rude for it.  But I figure it's better to handle it myself then expect my cash strapped friends to do it. 

[IndianInlaw]

Congratulations on your degree!

All that hard work paid off

[Lisbeth]

Congratulations!

I think anyone can host a graduation party, as long as the terms of attendance are made clear.  If you're hosting your own party, you pay for it.  Graduations don't generally involve gifts, so it's not like a shower.

I can tell you about my own painful graduation experience when I got my master's degree.  A friend of mine and her husband had offered to host a party for me.  I said I'd leave planning the party up to them and I'd provide a guest list of people I wanted.  My parents and other relatives were on the guest list.  Several made the list only by courtesy (they were out-of-towners, and this was probably a faux pas of mine-my bad), but there were several family members who I thought had a reasonable shot at coming.

Turned out most of my relatives ignored the invitation (it was an eVite) and those who did pay any attention to it declined.  (Among other problems, the day chosen for the party was Mother's Day.)  It didn't help that my younger brother also got his master's degree at the same time and was set to graduate the same day.  He chewed me out for choosing the same day.  (This was the first I'd heard about it, and he came across as though that was my fault.)  My mother, in her response to the eVite, blabbed about the conflict in dates.  I seriously did not expect my parents to come to begin with as they live in Houston and I live in the Northeast.   

My friend and I agreed to cancel the party and try to reschedule it, but we never rescheduled it. (I've never been able to reach her since except for job-hunting discussions.) So I didn't get a party or any kind of celebration at all.  My family didn't care.

[sweedetobee]

Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Next year I will be finishing  Master's too affter 3 1/2 painful years of working full time and going to school at night. I actually do not want to walk at graduation but you bet your buttons that I want a party   I will inform my DH about it too   But he's jealous of the time I spend at school so he is really interested in  me being done

So I know it is hard work and you deserve to be recognized for it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In your case I would just go ahead and throw your own party! If you're paying for the party and not doing a graduation registry (kidding!) then I don't see it as rude at all. I'd attend and be happy for you. If the family doesn't give you the support you need then I hope you have a great bunch of friends to show up and celebrate your accomplishment with you.

[Adah]

CONGRATS! You are absolutely correct in asking that your DH host a graduation party for you. I did the same thing last year when I finished my master's. Interestingly, my MIL, as well as BIL and SIL, were the only ones to cancel at the last minute. MIL had talked the whole time I was in my degree program about how proud she was of me, how she wanted to be "right there" when I got my degree. I got VIP tickets for family and when the morning of graduating arrived, she and FIL were MIA. Her excuse? She had to work late the night before and had scheduled herself to work that day (she's a retail store clerk with an extremely flexible schedule). My parents, however, were thrilled and right there with DH when I walked.

None of my in-laws have college degrees so they can't appreciate the work that goes into it. DH is the only one with a college degree and is condescendingly considered the "smarty pants nerd" of the family. It doesn't surprise me that they wouldn't want to celebrate my graduate degree.

[freakyfemme]

None of my in-laws have college degrees so they can't appreciate the work that goes into it. DH is the only one with a college degree and is condescendingly considered the "smarty pants nerd" of the family. It doesn't surprise me that they wouldn't want to celebrate my graduate degree.

Wow, that was so rude and PA of your in-laws.  I actually have the opposite problem, though, my dad has two university degrees (B.A. and L.L.B.), and my mom has five (B.A., M.A., L.L.B., L.L.M., and S.Jd., i.e. a doctorate in Law).  So, this spring, when I'm finished my music degree at Bishop's, I'm afraid they're going to say that a B.A. isn't a "real" graduation, and make me feel narcissistic for wanting to celebrate.  So, I think I'll just buy myself something nice......I'd really like a bright, sky-blue iPod Nano, or mabye I'll make plans to do something special with one or two close friends who are also graduating, and not just something like a concert or a dinner out either......ever since this summer, when I went tubing at the cottage, I've had a burning desire to try parasailing.   

[Hawkwatcher]

Congratulations on your degree and pregnancy.  I think that it is perfectly acceptable to throw oneself a party as long as the guests are not expected to bring gifts.  I also agree with the posters who suggested that you tell your husband that you want a party.  He may not understand that you want a party.  He might think that you are tired and want to relex instead.

As for the guest list, you might want to exclude the in-laws.  You do not want to spend your lunch or evening hearing comparisons to your BIL.

[Evil Duckie]

Congrat!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing wrong with having a party for yourself as long as you don't expect gifts.  I would if you are worried about it have DH be the host. Enjoy your accomplishment and celebrate it yourself. I am proud of you!

As to you ILs they not as invested in you emotionally as they are to BIL so try not to let it get to you too much. They probably see every one of BIL achievements as their own.

Good luck and congrats on the baby as well.

[kingsrings]

Concur with the others that there is nothing wrong with you holding this party for yourself, as it's typically not expected to be a gift-giving party, such as a birthday. And I'm so sorry that the people that you expect to care don't seem to. Have you ever let them know how important this is to you? Just hinting, I mean. Sometimes people need to be reminded of what should be totally obvious to them, unfortunately. People are just so into themselves these days.