General Etiquette > Family and Children

Throwing Oneself A Party And The Reasons To Do So

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JudiAU:
I recently completed my course work for my graduate degree and would like to do something to celebrate. I was thinking of inviting family and friends (about 25 people) to lunch at a local restaurant. I'll send nice invitations and ask them to RSVP.  Of course I intend to pay.  I would appreciate some input on the following plan because I am 55% sure it is fine and 45% concerned I am violating some terrific etiquette rule because essentially I am throwing myself my own party.

1) So, is this acceptable? Is it more or less acceptable if my husband is the host? (see below)  Is it more or less acceptable if my mother is the host? (see below)

So, I also admit that I am in this position because I am a little miffed. And I can't tell if I should be miffed or that it is unreasonable to be miffed or that it is too early to be miffed. I feel like someone (my family-- my husband) should have made a fuss and hasn't and maybe that is unfair or the timing hasn't worked out yet. But still-- I am hurt.  My staff bought me some beautiful flowers the day of and also bought me a nice gift card. Husband seemed surprised.

Most people in my program graduate in the Spring but I finished early. The only graduation ceremony is in the Spring. My mother very much wanted to watch me graduate which would have required a trip out-of-state/hotels all of which was understood and fine and happy-making for her. I wasn't entirely enthusiastic about the plan, mostly because of the vacation time I would use, but was going to cheerfully go because she wanted to see me "walk."  My husband never mentioned that we cared about going one way or other and I admit I was a little annoyed about his lack of interest. At least that has been the plan but it turns out that my pregnancy won't allow me to attend-- in fact I am scheduled to give birth the weekend of graduation.

A couple of other key pieces of information include the fact that I finished my school work the same week as our annual Hanukkah party when most of our friends found out I was pregnant so-- husband went around saying Pregnancy!… and oh yeah--she finished graduate school too. And it was also the week before Christmas so-- husband went around saying Pregnancy!… and oh yeah--she finished graduate school too.. And the kind of fuss that my husband probably would have made when I finished (champagne-- dinner out) wasn't an option because of my delicate condition.

 I am also a little miffed because Dh's family-- the ones who make a big fuss over every achievement of Brilliant BIL. I mean I for the last seven years I've heard about every class, every paper, every conversation with a professor, etc. and now that he is working I know more about his work conditions than his coworkers.  Needless to say when he was granted his master's degree (merely a formality when you are getting a Phd) the entire extended family flew out (I was expected to as well) and then again for his PhD, etc. (again I flew across the country). All three members of the family visited during the holidays and not a single one of them said congratulations about finishing my degree. Nada-- zip-- even after I mentioned finishing school the week before. I feel like they've been sort of dismissive of the whole thing from the start.

2) Am I  justified in feeling a little hurt? Should a bigger fuss have been made? Was the timing just bad? Are my hormones out of control?

duhrich:
First of all.....  Congratulations!!! ;D

I can understand why you feel hurt. It's kind of like hitting a milestone birthday and no one throws you a party when everyone else in the family gets one. Unless your dh's family has given you other reasons, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. To them, the pregnancy is probably the bigger news, even though graduating is a wonderful personal achievement.

When I graduated from college after many years of picking away at it, I had to do what felt uncomfortable and tell people how excited I was about my achievement. I then got some wonderful cards, notes of congratulations, etc. Luckily I have a wonderful MIL, who took the time to drive to my graduation. Sometimes, it seems like you have to give people clues so they know how to respond.

I'm not an expert in etiquette, but if you are going to hold a dinner party and pay for everyone, I don't see a problem with it.

Chocolate Cake:
You are not being unreasonable for being miffed that no one in your family, least of all your husband, have not made your completion a cause for celebration.   These are the kinds of things that can drive a wedge in relationships, so......

If I were you, I'd ask my husband about it.  Maybe you could say something along the lines of, "What's up with your seeming lack of interest in the fact that I completed my graduate studies?"  and "Were you thinking I wouldn't be done so soon or what?" and (to give him an out)  "Maybe you planning to celebrate following my official graduation ceremony?" and "If so, please don't wait until then because I may not actually get to take the walk as we might have our hands full with a baby by then."

Then, the next time you speak to your in-laws, feel free to interupt their diatribe about Brilliant BIL by telling them of your achievement.

BatCity:
This is an opportunity for you to be direct with your husband.

"Honey, I want you to throw me a graduation party.  Here's the guest list."

DH told me a year in advance what he wanted for his graduation party (he went to college in his thirties and finished in three years), then acted surprised when I actually delivered. 

Lara

freakyfemme:
Yeah, congratulations :)  You definitely deserve it, and you should *definitely* be celebrating.  Your family is horribly inconsiderate not to recognize such a wonderful achievement, and I'm not just saying that either....I'm a semester shy of finishing my B.A., and that in itself has definitely been a challenge, so I can only imagine what you've been able to accomplish. :D  The thing is, though......your husband might not fully understand for himself what a big deal it is, so you might have to nudge him a bit.  When I got approved to do my Honours in Performance, I went home and told my roommate, "Hey, Roommate, I just got into the Honours program, let's get dressed up a bit and go out to Acoustic Night."; and we did.  I know it's not the ideal solution, and probably not *strictly* etiquettely correct, but it meant I got to celebrate.....and so should you, even if you have to get the ball rolling yourself.  Maybe all you'll have to do is say "I'm feeling celebratory," and your husband will catch on, and get something organized.  If not, well......just go with your original plan. :)

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