Third baby shower...but wait....

[BatCity]

...The kicker is, it's my idea.

My neighbor is a wonderful young woman who is the mother of two little boys.  She is now pregnant with a girl.

The boys were born before they moved to this state, while their family was in transition (she was living with her mom, hubby was out here starting a new job) and I'm fairly certain she never had any showers.

I know it's a little silly, but they are so excited to have a girl, I thought it would be nice to throw her a shower anyway.  I might even figure out a way to just have a party in her honor with no gifts  (as in...you can give her a gift if you want, but some other time, don't bring it to the party).  Just not sure how I'm gonna handle it yet. 

So whaddaya think...am I headed to eHell?  I just had this idea tonight, I haven't mentioned it to anyone yet.

Lara

[hobish]

It's unorthodox, but i think the extenuating circumstances make it a wonderful idea. That's very thoughtful of you, IMO.

[MadMadge43]

I think it's nice. Second, third and fourth babyshowers are usually looked down on because people have already outfitted you for one child, but since she's new to the area no one has done anything for her yet, so the usual reason is not really there.

It's also nice because when you're new some place you don't have many friends and she's probably pretty lonely. I think this is an instance where the "rules" are over looked to do something special.

[sammycat]

In my area it is not frowned upon at all to have 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even 5th baby showers, but I understand it is considered rude in some places. 

When my older son was a  few weeks old we formed a playgroup with some other mums who also had new babies'. Whenever someone in the group went onto to have subsequent children we always threw a baby shower for them.  Mostly it was just the playgroup mums in attendance but occasionally we'd invite other people if we knew other friends or family of the mum-to-be.  One mum had 4 more children of the same sex in pretty quick succession and I think for the last one (she always found out the gender), we all went out for dinner rather than have a traditional baby shower.  Finally she had an opposite sex child and we were all so excited we couldn't wait to throw a baby shower for her (again). Once the babies' are born we also give a welcome gift to/for the baby.

I think it's very nice that you want to throw a shower for your neighbour.

[dietcokeofevil]

It's a great idea.  One of my co-workers had her 4th child, and we had a dinner/surprise shower for her that she really loved.  Everyone just brought outfits or other things appropriate for additional children.  Most people are going to buy a gift anyway, after the baby is born.

I would check first with her, to make sure that she's comfortable with it.   

For most people, multiple are not a problem, as long as they are to celebrate and new child and not just to get more stuff.

[Chocolate Cake]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissention here.  I think a shower for a third baby is inappropriate from an etiquette perspective.    Despite the fact that the couple's first two babies were boys, I would expect she and her husband to be at the point where they should provide for their third baby's needs.   The idea that other people are invited to a party where the sole purpose is to provide the family with even more baby things just rubs me the wrong way.

More than just the idea doesn't appeal to me, however....in actuality, being invited to a shower for a third baby irritated me to no end.   I really felt that the mother/father were being very greedy to allow someone to throw them that shower. 

[cass2591]

but they are so excited to have a girl, I thought it would be nice to throw her a shower anyway.  I might even figure out a way to just have a party in her honor with no gifts  (as in...you can give her a gift if you want, but some other time, don't bring it to the party).  Just not sure how I'm gonna handle it yet.

You can't call it a shower and tell people not to bring gifts. If you want to have a party for her, by all means do it, just call it something else.

I agree with chocolate cake, showers for subsequent babies is not proper etiquette, even if the new baby is a different gender.

[kkl123]

Call it a tea or a luncheon, and forget the presents, and I'll gladly give you my blessing, for whatever that's worth.  Call it a shower for a third child, and I'll decline.

I'd probably bring a baby girl gift when the baby was born anyhow, but a shower is, by definition, asking for gifts.

[MineralDiva]

I wouldn't do a shower either.  Especially for a third child.  But it you or anyone else would like to give a gift for their new little girl on your own, that's perfectly acceptable.  It's not particularly appropriate to ask others to do the same...even if it's only implied on the invitation.

"Shower" implies "bring gifts."  *wrinkles nose*  Doing something nice is a lovely gesture.  Calling it a "shower" is...well....perhaps a bit presumptuous.

[ettacat]

I think it is okay when there are several years between the last child and the baby.

I would have loved if our third had even just been acknowledged by more than just a couple of my husband's family. Even a call would have been nice. Our youngest and middle are nearly 6 yrs apart.

A year later, DH's niece was given a big, splashy shower for her FOURTH, and the baby and last child were only a couple of years apart. It was hurtful to hear how nice it was that DN got this and that and blah blah blah, and how nice it was for DN's new baby to have NEW things. Don't get me wrong. I didn't mind buying used and getting a couple of things from Freecycle. I am fairly thrifty. But, it would have been nice to at least receive a phone call!

I didn't go to the shower. I was too angry and hurt and didn't want to be blamed for ruining the day.

[BatCity]

I agree with the dissenters, to a point...the couple doesn't need anything else; this is the first girl to be born on his side of the family in generations (he is one of four boys) and the grandparents have already started the onslaught of gifts.

I think I'll just suggest we throw a nice luncheon, not a shower.  Everyone will probably get a gift anyway.

Lara

[fklwmn]

I guess I'll be the voice of dissention here.  I think a shower for a third baby is inappropriate from an etiquette perspective.    Despite the fact that the couple's first two babies were boys, I would expect she and her husband to be at the point where they should provide for their third baby's needs.   The idea that other people are invited to a party where the sole purpose is to provide the family with even more baby things just rubs me the wrong way.

I know the whole point of a shower is gifts, but I didn't realise NEED was a criteria that needed to be met in order to be worthy of one? Would you also be rubbed the wrong way by a shower for a well off couple expecting their first child? What about for a third child for a couple who have been going through rough times and who are not in a position to provide for the third baby?

I guess I think either you agree with a shower for a third baby, or you don't... but I don't think that the financial status of the parents should be the deciding factor.

Personally, I disagree with a shower for the third baby, and the ONLY thing that would make me waver would be the OP saying that she doesn't think that there was any shower for either of the first 2. But that's a personal issue for me b/c no one bothered to throw a shower for my first born (or the second either) and I'd be thrilled to have a shower if I got pregnant again. Not so much for the 'things,' but because it would mean the world to me for the people closest to me to get together and make me feel like my having a child was something worth celebrating for once. And... having never had a shower, I am not sure that a tea or a luncheon would be equally as meaningful - though I suppose it would depend on how it was pulled off.

[sweedetobee]

When I first read the title I thought it was the 3rd shower fo the same baby. I would not attend that!  However, I then read the post... 

For what it is worth, I'd go to a shower for any kid regardless of whether they were the first, second, 8th or 10th child in a family - just to celebrate the birth of a new life and make the mother to be feel special for a day.

If a shower is for the first child I give a bigger gift - a baby car seat or whatever - that the family needs, but for all subsequent children I just give a smaller gift - clothes, a toy, a book. If I were invited to a shower for the 10th kid I'd give the mother to be a savings bond cause she'd sure need it when the kid gets to be college age   It's not about the gift - it's a celebration of a new life.

And also, some showers are suprises. Sometimes the mother to be doesn't know that people are throwing her a shower until she arrives.  Also, I know someone that had a shower and then had a stillbirth in the 8 1/2 month mark. When that person got pregnant again a year or so later people were very cautious, but they did throw her a smaller shower just to make her feel special.  She didnt' keep much from the first shower - too painful- and they didn't want her to always associate the baby shower with sadness.  (the second pregnancy resulted in a healthy baby).  So you can't always say that the parents to be are greedy or that a shower for anything but the first baby is wrong until you know the entire set of circumstances.

I would talk to your neighbor and if she liked the idea I'd throw her a shower. She doesn't  have to register and the gifts don't have to be big. But if she's never had a shower before and this is the first girl it might be nice for her to experience it, and it would make her feel special.

[Lisbeth]

And also, some showers are surprises. Sometimes the mother to be doesn't know that people are throwing her a shower until she arrives. 

If there is any event which I feel is not appropriate as a surprise, it must be a baby shower.  All the stress of trying to get the mother there and then screaming "Surprise" at her, plus however she is holding up when she's actually attending, can't be the best things in the world for a pregnant woman, especially when the pregnancy is difficult.

I agree that in that event the etiquette violation is not the mother's fault, but there still is one if the shower is a subsequent one.

[Chocolate Cake]

but I didn't realise NEED was a criteria

When I was raised, I understiood that the purpose of a shower wasn't purely celebratory, but it was to provide the expectant parents (or bridal couple, as the case may be) with the necessities they'd need to care for the baby and/or set up their new household.   

Today, it seems that most showers are purely celebratory in nature, which is why we now see showers for multiple babies in the same family.   I would have no problem with that except when the purpose is to give a gift again and again and again and again; there is a limit to people's generosity and I think a shower for every baby stretches that limit.   The mother-to-be of baby #3 or #4 (if she has participated in the planning of the shower) takes a real chance of looking like a gift-grabber.   

I would, however, gladly participate in a dinner or a tea to welcome a new baby.

That said, while I generally disapprove of a full fledged gift shower for a third baby, I'm not so cold-hearted as to say that there shouldn't be any exceptions especially if the need is great.