Why didn't you just say that? (Weird Fights)

[wx4caster]

Last night I came home to him in the midst of what was clearly Season 2.  I said I didn't realize we had Season 2 on DVD, since I remember we had watched it On Demand back in the last place we lived.  He shrugged noncommittally.

Sounds to me like he was shrugging you off so he could concentrate on the Boob Tube.

Or he shrugged to acknowledge he heard your voice but didn't actually hear the question.  I know for myself, it's pointless to ask me a question while I'm reading.  I'm totally focused on the book but will make random noises when spoken to.  A minute later, I won't remember hearing a voice or making a response.

[Chivewarrior]

Last night I came home to him in the midst of what was clearly Season 2.  I said I didn't realize we had Season 2 on DVD, since I remember we had watched it On Demand back in the last place we lived.  He shrugged noncommittally.

Sounds to me like he was shrugging you off so he could concentrate on the Boob Tube.

Or he shrugged to acknowledge he heard your voice but didn't actually hear the question.  I know for myself, it's pointless to ask me a question while I'm reading.  I'm totally focused on the book but will make random noises when spoken to.  A minute later, I won't remember hearing a voice or making a response.

Yes, this! I have been attempting to train my family (and to a lesser extent, my boyfriend) to get my attention before talking to me when I'm reading a book. I have been attempting to do this for years. They still don't get it.

[shivering]

I agree that it sounds like he shrugged in acknowledgement so as not to completely ignore you, but he was so engrossed that he didn't want to open himself up for conversation, even a short one. I know that sometimes when I'm really focused and into a show or a book, I don't want to get out of that zone.

Since the money spent isn't an issue, he probably didn't think it was a necessary conversation to have at that moment and the fact that he's watching makes it self-evident that he bought the DVDs. Now, you weren't in the wrong for asking and maybe ideally he could've just said "I bought it today," but I don't think his lack of response is a sign of anything deeper than him really being into the show at that moment.

[Kaypeep]

If he was engrossed in the show, he probably was tuning you out or didn't feel like starting an innocuous conversation. And it seems to me that you didn't really ask a question, you just stated something.  "I didn't know we had Season 2 of Dexter."   It's a statement, not a question.  If you had said "Where did you get Season 2 of Dexter?" then he might have been compelled to answer.   

[Two Ravens]

I did ask him about it, and his response was "I don't remember you asking that..." so he wasn't really listening.  I don't now if that makes it better or worse 

Does he perhaps feel guilty about purchases? It sounds to me like he hoped you wouldn't find out, or at least notice. How do you two normally handle purchases of non-essentials? How about when he was a kid - did he have to "justify" everything he bought?

You know, this is very true.  He did grow up like this.  Maybe that's why he wouldn't just mention it normally ("normally" at least to me...)

Anyway, I told him about posting this, and read him your responses.  We laughed about it.  He liked the 'What's your problem?" responses.    Truly, it wasn't a big deal.

[saki]

Normally, I wouldn't consider it worth mentioning, but since I specifically said "I didn't realize we had Season 2." I would have thought that was the perfect opening for an "Oh, I just bought it."  I mean, I am not mad about it, its just a  moment (maybe a Mars/Venus thing.) Again, why wouldn't he just say that?  Unless he wasn't listening to me, which is also possible...

I realise you updated to say that he just hadn't heard the question but, personally, I wouldn't have thought this needed an answer because obviously I bought it since I'm watching it.  For me, it'd be a bit like saying to me while I'm eating a piece of toast "oh, I didn't realise we had bread in the house", there just doesn't seem to be much of an answer to that that isn't a bit inane, "yes, we do - clearly since I'm eating it".

[WillyNilly]

Normally, I wouldn't consider it worth mentioning, but since I specifically said "I didn't realize we had Season 2." I would have thought that was the perfect opening for an "Oh, I just bought it."  I mean, I am not mad about it, its just a  moment (maybe a Mars/Venus thing.) Again, why wouldn't he just say that?  Unless he wasn't listening to me, which is also possible...

So here's my question to you.  You think it should have been obvious that saying "I didn't realize we had Season 2" would illicit a response of "Oh, I just bought it" and your title to this thread is
"Why didn't you just say that?"

So I have to ask - if you wanted to know if it was purchased why didn't you just *ask* that?  Why did you start off with the word games?  Why did you only hint at your underlying question and not just say "oh hey did you buy Season 2 or is this on cable/from Netflix/on loan from a friend/whatever?" 

To me the only truly obvious thing here is you wanted a question answered but you didn't ask the question.  You made a statement and expected him to hear the statement, mentally translate it into an unasked question and then answer that question... while he was busy watching a show.

I think the "why didn't you just say that?" in this situation needs to be directed at you - why didn't you just ask if the show was on DVD and if that DVD was purchased, if that's what you wanted to know?

[MariaE]

WillyNilly, to me the underlying question would simply be implicit. It would never cross my mind that I might have to rephrase it, because it would be obvious. I would feel like I was accusing people of being more stupid than they are or being condescending if I spelled it out like that for the fear they wouldn't understand me otherwise.

(Those last eight words are important. I might also ask it the way you suggested, but It would be random which one I chose.)

[Two Ravens]

I think the "why didn't you just say that?" in this situation needs to be directed at you - why didn't you just ask if the show was on DVD and if that DVD was purchased, if that's what you wanted to know?

Huh?  I knew the show was on DVD, I could see it playing.  Obviously I knew the DVDs had been purchased.  I didn't think he stole them or anything.  I just thought he must have bought them a while ago.

But since he had purchased them that day, I thought it would be normal to mention that.  I didn't want a question answered, I just thought it would be a normal thing to tell me.

 Just like if I was eating toast, and someone said, ""Oh, I didn't realise we had bread in the house." I would respond, "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home." I don't consider that inane.

But again, it wasn't a big deal. I should have put the word "fight" in the title.

[WillyNilly]

Just like if I was eating toast, and someone said, ""Oh, I didn't realise we had bread in the house." I would respond, "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home." I don't consider that inane.

See again to me, this is not an overtly obvious answer.  If my DF said to me "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" it wouldn't occur to me to say "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home" because to me its beyond clear that we do in fact have bread and it was either already here or I purchased it.  To me the logical response to "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" is either nothing much or "would you like some toast too?"

I don't think you were wrong or anything, I just think its odd that you phrased this complaint as "why didn't you just say that?" when you didn't just ask "that".  Its like a double standard - you didn't ask a question but seemed confused and bit peeved he didn't answer one.  If you wanted to know when the DVD was purchased, it took no extra effort to ask "when did you buy Season 2?"

[Judah]

Just like if I was eating toast, and someone said, ""Oh, I didn't realise we had bread in the house." I would respond, "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home." I don't consider that inane.

See again to me, this is not an overtly obvious answer.  If my DF said to me "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" it wouldn't occur to me to say "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home" because to me its beyond clear that we do in fact have bread and it was either already here or I purchased it.  To me the logical response to "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" is either nothing much or "would you like some toast too?"

I agree, and it's pretty much what I said upthread.  It seems self-evident: I'm eating toast, so obviously I bought bread.  I wouldn't feel the need to respond. 

[Two Ravens]

Just like if I was eating toast, and someone said, ""Oh, I didn't realise we had bread in the house." I would respond, "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home." I don't consider that inane.

See again to me, this is not an overtly obvious answer.  If my DF said to me "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" it wouldn't occur to me to say "Yeah, I just picked some up on the way home" because to me its beyond clear that we do in fact have bread and it was either already here or I purchased it.  To me the logical response to "oh, I didn't realize we had bread in the house" is either nothing much or "would you like some toast too?"

I agree, and it's pretty much what I said upthread.  It seems self-evident: I'm eating toast, so obviously I bought bread.  I wouldn't feel the need to respond.

Hmm, I guess I just don't see it as "obviously I bought it."  I could have just bought it, or not.  I could be keeping the bread in a new spot, I could be hiding it somewhere, or the other person could be, as my mom would say, "just not a good look-er."

[WillyNilly]

^ But to me the whole "I bought it" is simply not an obvious thing to say because, well, who cares?  Its just not something I'd ever think was a fun or interesting conversation.  We have bread, we have a DVD we have whatever.  So long as the cost isn't an issue, who cares?  Why on earth would a non-issue comment illicit a response?  Especially when one is busy.  Questions should be responded to, but mere statements are just that.  You made a statement.  The end (IMO). 

I'm simply pointing out, if you wanted an answer, or a conversation, the better way to get one is to ask for one, by way of asking a question. 

[Mental Magpie]

What if he hadn't just bought it and they actually had it all along and OP just didn't realize?  Would you all still think she shouldn't have expected an answer?  (Not snarky, I'm being serious.  Would it change your opinions?)

I'm with the OP on this one as far as expecting an answer.  It doesn't matter if the conversation is "inane", when someone speaks to me, I respond.  Other than noticing his noncommittal shrug, how else was she supposed to know that he heard her?  If he doesn't acknowledge that she said anything, even with a simple response, she can't know if he actually heard her.  I have to keep explaining this to Dark Boyfriend.  If I'm not looking at you and you don't respond, then I don't know that you heard me.

It doesn't have to be in the form of a question to be a question.  A statement can imply a question just as easily as a question can be asked.


OP: I'm going to have to with he shrugged because he was too into what he was watching to actually respond.  Dark Boyfriend does this...when I notice the glaze go away from his eyes, I say whatever I said again.  The shrug, to me, is: I heard you, I don't know what you said, I can only process a shrug right now because I'm trying to follow what's going on.  Don't take it too personally.

ETA: Didn't meant to sound snarky.