Comments About Weight from Passerby

[Danika]

...  With all of the nagging she has done over the years, I should be a size zero by now if she could simply by her words make my weight go away!

And if you WERE a size 0, she'd be just as concerned that you were anorexic or something!  Some people are just never satisfied with how 'other' people look!

gramma dishes, sounds like you've met my mother. She makes the same comments as the PP's mother.

[Softly Spoken]

Since this is such an emotional topic, I wanted to challenge myself to try and par it down to bare bones etiquette.
Leaving out issues of fat and bullying, etc., IMHO it comes down to this:

1) It is rude to comment negatively on another person's appearance. You are foisting your unwanted and unasked-for opinion on them. At worst you are insulting them and at best you are wasting their time by pointing out something they already know and have no desire to be reminded of.

2) Since this behavior (rude and/or unhelpful comments) is not acceptable, the simplest, most basic response (if you choose to respond instead of ignore) would be corrective:

"Excuse you."

You don't have to defend yourself, you don't have to argue, you don't have to justify why you are the way you are. You excuse them their ignorant behavior and alert them of the rudeness that has escaped their mouth like the uncouth belch the phrase is usually a response to. Brain-to-mouth "burps", whether done with malicious intent out a car window or out of misplaced "concern" by a friend or family member, are to be excused as inappropriate and then best forgotten. They do not deserve any further effort or thought on your part.

"Excuse you." can be said coldly, neutrally, calmly, or cheerfully. Repeat ad nauseum as necessary.

I only came up with this today but I plan on using it the next time someone says something to me.

[Emmy]

...  With all of the nagging she has done over the years, I should be a size zero by now if she could simply by her words make my weight go away!

And if you WERE a size 0, she'd be just as concerned that you were anorexic or something!  Some people are just never satisfied with how 'other' people look!

Over my adult life, I have ranged from US size 4-8.  I have a former friend who moved a few hours away after college.  When I was a size 4, she would comment on how skinny and anorexic I looked.  When I was a size 8, I looked really heavy and better watch my weight.  Apparently I could please her, but only when I was a size 6. 

[Otterpop]

...  With all of the nagging she has done over the years, I should be a size zero by now if she could simply by her words make my weight go away!

And if you WERE a size 0, she'd be just as concerned that you were anorexic or something!  Some people are just never satisfied with how 'other' people look!

Over my adult life, I have ranged from US size 4-8.  I have a former friend who moved a few hours away after college.  When I was a size 4, she would comment on how skinny and anorexic I looked.  When I was a size 8, I looked really heavy and better watch my weight.  Apparently I could please her, but only when I was a size 6. 

Sounds like if you reached a "6" she would have started on your hair, personality, decorating habits, children...glad she is a former friend.

(That's my exact size range too and I've always felt best in the middle of the range.  But, as I get older, I don't stress if I go up or down.  It matters how I feel.  And true friends do not pick on a healthy weight in either direction.)

[Emmy]

...  With all of the nagging she has done over the years, I should be a size zero by now if she could simply by her words make my weight go away!

And if you WERE a size 0, she'd be just as concerned that you were anorexic or something!  Some people are just never satisfied with how 'other' people look!

Over my adult life, I have ranged from US size 4-8.  I have a former friend who moved a few hours away after college.  When I was a size 4, she would comment on how skinny and anorexic I looked.  When I was a size 8, I looked really heavy and better watch my weight.  Apparently I could please her, but only when I was a size 6. 

Sounds like if you reached a "6" she would have started on your hair, personality, decorating habits, children...glad she is a former friend.

(That's my exact size range too and I've always felt best in the middle of the range.  But, as I get older, I don't stress if I go up or down.  It matters how I feel.  And true friends do not pick on a healthy weight in either direction.)

That's true.  This friend would always talk about herself, she would complain about her roommates, husband, medical problems, parents, school, other friends, ect. often going on for hours.  One time I got a new boyfriend and gushed a little bit to her about it (only a few minutes of gushing).  She later told a mutual friend that I am boy crazy and all I did was talk about my boyfriend.  The next time we met, things seemed to go fine.  Then when I e-mailed her to say 'hello', she replied with a nasty letter that I was very rude to her husband and ignored him the whole time.  I was dumbfounded.  I told her "I'm sorry you feel that way" (I know people hate that reply, but I felt it was very appropriate as I was not rude) and let the friendship cool.  She got angry when I declined to ask her to be a bridesmaid in my wedding and the friendship was over after that.  It was actually very freeing, no more drama.

[Annoyed in America]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

[Yvaine]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

With those truck testicles hanging off the back.

[gramma dishes]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

With those truck testicles hanging off the back.

 

[CrochetFanatic]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

With those truck testicles hanging off the back.

 

The first time I saw those things on a truck bumper, I had to pull over to the shoulder.  I was laughing so hard that I was afraid I'd wreck the car! 

[Annoyed in America]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

With those truck testicles hanging off the back.

Giggle giggle!!! 

[Danika]

I always assume that when a guy makes an ugly comment about another person, especially a woman, he's just trying to divert attention away from the fact that he has a micro p-nis.

LMAO  And where I live they also compensate by driving very large pick-up trucks.

With those truck testicles hanging off the back.

 

  Vehicles with hanging testicles always make me roll my eyes!

[wolfie]

I am not advocating the "neg," but the idea is not to actually insult anyone, and done properly it's more flirting banter. I think sometimes people look for "insults" when really there is no actual insult intended (such as in a "neg" situation).

I'm a little confused: are you saying it is more about tone, or wording?  I agree that with friends of long standing, things can be said in jest that are, by their tone, robbed of any sting of malice. But I don't see how that would apply to someone you (general) had just met. If a man came up to me and told me I was ugly, I wouldn't be offended: I know I'm not, and I have a thick enough skin to not bother what others think. So I wouldn't by crying into my wine spritzer, but no more would I be giving him the time of day.

That's the using it as a sledgehammer part. For a real "neg" it should be subtle, so that she might need to think about it before she realizes it was actually an insult. It also shouldn't be an opener. It would be something dropped in the middle of the conversation to let the woman know that he isn't THAT attracted to her so that she tries to compensate and prove that she is really that attractive, funny, intelligent, whatever. I've read one of those books by a pick-up artist too and realized that if it was done properly I would probably fall for it. It's one of those things that sounds like it is a lot easier then it really is to do properly. But, as the author pointed out, if you are trying to start a real relationship, playing games to pick someone up might not make for the best foundation.

[greencat]

Re: Negging: It's kind of like the instructions for it say: "gently tap the glass next to her with a brick to make a ringing sound to attract her attention," and many men abbreviate that into: "Tap her with a brick to attract her attention."

[Jocelyn]

What's especially scary about this: a research study came out earlier this week that found out a woman defendant's weight significantly affects juror perceptions of her guilt. Women did not use a defendant's weight in assessing guilt or innocence, and neither did overweight male jurors, but average weight male jurors judged an overweight woman to be significantly more guilty than a slender woman, when the cases were otherwise identical. (obviously, these were mock juries). Average sized men were more likely to perceive an overweight woman as having premeditated the offense, and with malice, than a slender woman.
Really scary stuff.

[FizzyChip]

What's especially scary about this: a research study came out earlier this week that found out a woman defendant's weight significantly affects juror perceptions of her guilt. Women did not use a defendant's weight in assessing guilt or innocence, and neither did overweight male jurors, but average weight male jurors judged an overweight woman to be significantly more guilty than a slender woman, when the cases were otherwise identical. (obviously, these were mock juries). Average sized men were more likely to perceive an overweight woman as having premeditated the offense, and with malice, than a slender woman.
Really scary stuff.

wow. just wow :-(