Spinsters' Club Support Thread

[whiterose]

(((Whiterose))), I'm sorry it didn't work out.

But please don't focus on "what scared him off." I think it's unlikely that you or your questions scared him off. Any number of things could have happened; maybe a compatible new woman just moved into the apartment next door, for example. Please don't take this one experience as an indication that you need to do anything different.

Exactly!!!!!!

EHarmony has a crazy ratio of women to men;  I think it's something like 8 women to every man.  This guy simply had more women to chose from than you did men and someone else caught his fancy.

And what did she have that I did not?

[blue2000]

(((Whiterose))), I'm sorry it didn't work out.

But please don't focus on "what scared him off." I think it's unlikely that you or your questions scared him off. Any number of things could have happened; maybe a compatible new woman just moved into the apartment next door, for example. Please don't take this one experience as an indication that you need to do anything different.

Exactly!!!!!!

EHarmony has a crazy ratio of women to men;  I think it's something like 8 women to every man.  This guy simply had more women to chose from than you did men and someone else caught his fancy.

And what did she have that I did not?

Proximity?

If there is a cute girl next door that is interested in him and a cute girl online who looks interesting/interested as well, he might just decide to date the neighbour first. Or maybe someone on the site answered his questions before you did and he is now dating her. It isn't always something bad.

[Carotte]

(((Whiterose))), I'm sorry it didn't work out.

But please don't focus on "what scared him off." I think it's unlikely that you or your questions scared him off. Any number of things could have happened; maybe a compatible new woman just moved into the apartment next door, for example. Please don't take this one experience as an indication that you need to do anything different.

Exactly!!!!!!

EHarmony has a crazy ratio of women to men;  I think it's something like 8 women to every man.  This guy simply had more women to chose from than you did men and someone else caught his fancy.

And what did she have that I did not?

Proximity?

If there is a cute girl next door that is interested in him and a cute girl online who looks interesting/interested as well, he might just decide to date the neighbour first. Or maybe someone on the site answered his questions before you did and he is now dating her. It isn't always something bad.

I POD that, or maybe he was talking with someone for longer or who knows.

The only thing I could advice against ( not that this is what you did wrong ) is checking someone's profile too often when you are waiting for an answer ( but I'm talking like every friking day for a good 3 weeks, not once or twice, you're safe) because I can tell you that this can freak out someone, it either screams stalker or desperate ( or both in my case ).

I'm actually wondering, should I tell my 'stalker' that he's freaking me out? If he stops I'll probably leave him a chance since he seems like a nice guy, but if he keeps on like that I'm going to block him ( even if he seems like a nice guy, maybe too eager to meet someone or without enough social skills).
Is saying "you know, I don't change my profile every day, you don't have to check it that often"  too harsh?

[whiterose]

I may have looked at his profile every day I do not know if it shows on eHarmony. He was simply so cute!

I will not do it again- just in case.

He sent me his Must Haves on Sunday. I sent him the questions later that day. And he closed the match on Wednesday evening I have no clue if he looked at my profile in between- again, I have no way to know how eHarmony shows that someone looked at your profile, if it is only the first time or it shows by day or time or what.

ETA- eHarmony profiles have a dynamic section involving multiple choice questions that a person can answer. The questions that show up in the profile change each time. Plus nearly every time I visit, I answer new questions. Would this not somehow justify looking at a person's profile every day to see if he/she has answered new questions?

Again, I do not know if my looking at his profile every day (if it shows up in his news feed) is what scared him off. But now I know for the future.

[Teenyweeny]

For those trying online dating, may I strongly recommend you take a different tack? Why not try joining a local meetup group? If you haven't been on it before, meetup.com is a website which lists social/hobby groups in your area. Seriously everything from knitting circles, to book groups, to mountain climbers.

Look for a group that sounds fun in your area, and go along. I've always had good experiences, and it's a low-risk way to meet like-minded people. Expanding your social circle is a great way to increase the likelihood that you'll get to know somebody that you would like to date, and if you meet them through a shared interest then they're already more likely to mesh well with you.

[Petticoats]

For those trying online dating, may I strongly recommend you take a different tack? Why not try joining a local meetup group? If you haven't been on it before, meetup.com is a website which lists social/hobby groups in your area. Seriously everything from knitting circles, to book groups, to mountain climbers.

Look for a group that sounds fun in your area, and go along. I've always had good experiences, and it's a low-risk way to meet like-minded people. Expanding your social circle is a great way to increase the likelihood that you'll get to know somebody that you would like to date, and if you meet them through a shared interest then they're already more likely to mesh well with you.

In theory it's a great idea, but in my case, most of my interests just lead me to groups full of women. It's also difficult for me to make myself join in new activities with groups of strangers, being an introvert.

[Outdoor Girl]

Petticoats, I have the same issue.

Although I did bite the bullet and join a couple of softball teams.  It didn't work out dating wise because either everyone was already coupled up or they were almost young enough to be my kids.  But I'm still playing ball and getting some exercise!

I may try meetup because I need to just make some friends, never mind finding someone to date.

[pinkyblue]

I check meetup.com fairly regularly but seem to have the same issues.  I also notice that, at least in my area, whatever looks interesting to me always seems to be already filled with a huge wait list. 

I need to get creative.  Anyone know where you can buy that?  I didn't come with it, apparently.

[whiterose]

UPDATE!

I requested to re-open communication with the bloke I was interested in.

Turns out he had been burned by too many fakes that even used RealID in eHarmony. Those fakes tended to pose as Hispanics (which I am) or Russians (which I am not- I am actually of Spanish ancestry), so he was very jaded. I even told him where I was from originally (a US territory, hence I was born a US citizen) so that he would have zero worries that I would be searching for a gringo to marry me so that I would get a green card.

He asked me a question about a recent current event in order to verify how real I was- which I was able to answer correctly!

I am in disbelief that there would be fakes in eHarmony. Myriads of Pisces and Fine Eros I understand, since they are free. But certainly not eHarmony, which costs an arm and a leg and an eye of the face.

But then, I have read at least two different stories in a blog about bad courtship stories involving a guy passing himself as a woman on his profile (and one even on the phone) in order to get a date with a straight guy. Plus lesser extent stories about people misrepresenting age, weight, and even race.

So I do not blame him for being burned. This is a very happy update. It was a lucky shot in the dark.

[Petticoats]

Glad to see your update, Whiterose!

One of my matches from Chemistry this weekend seems like a possibility...possibly. Not a great one, but at this point I know I need to start ruling people in instead of out.

[Reader]

Argh I so dislike the dating scene.  Had a nice lunch date on Saturday, which extended form lunch to walking around downtown (even at one point the guy refered to it as a first date).  At the end we exchanged phone numbers and hugged.

Then comes Sunday when he sends me a text that says he had fun, thanks me for showing him around town (he's from another close by city) and says to keep in touch.  So I text him back that I had fun and that he was welcome.  Waited a bit then asked him a question, he answered, then I commented back and then silence the rest of the night.  Not quite what to make of this one. 

Currently my theory is to wait a few days to see if he contacts me again, or should I be proactive and contact him first after a few days?  Especially since we both enjoy sushi, it's what we had for lunch, and I just heard about a new place from a friend over the weekend.

[Petticoats]

Either way, I'd wait a few days. But having a new sushi place to recommend is a good non-stalkery reason to get in touch. Glad you had such a great first meeting/date!

[whiterose]

Well, he wrote me back.

And now I am not so sure if our senses of humor are compatible- or if he is trying too hard to be witty.

He said nothing offensive or even sarcastic. But similar things that I would not blink an eye at from say, a colleague that I only see in special big meetings, I do not know if they are a good match for me in a significant other.

For example, when I asked him if he was in any clubs at the university we  went to, he replied with "I was in one where we wore funny pajamas and threw punches and kicks into the air" instead of saying "I was in karate club (or whichever martial art it was)".

And when I told him I went to library school, he said "do they teach you how to guard library secrets like in the TV series 'The Librarian'?".

Now I am concerned that I may not be cool enough for him. That I may be too "matter of fact" and literal in my humor. While irony does not bother me one bit, derision does- and I am afraid that one day, I may not get his humor, and he may put me down because of it

Is this a valid concern? Am I overreacting? He did not get quite get sarcastic- though I fear he may be, and I really really dislike sarcasm,  and do not get along with sarcastic people. Is he simply trying hard to be funny and witty? Or are comments like these the hallmark of a sarcastic person?

That's the arson and murder. Now the jaywalking. I have a very German first name, even though I am of Spanish ancestry (turns out my mom read a book that was originally written in German and gave me the name of the main character). Well, he wondered if my parents lived in Germany before moving to where I was born- I gave him the much tamer real explanation. Had it been Joe Schmoe the random customer who came up with this reason for my name, I would not have blinked an eye- but now I wonder if he will ever have a problem with my hometown and ethnic background, since it has.happened.before. Again, harmless per se- but I wonder if he will be able to deal with how eccentric I am.

Probably making a mountain out of a molehill, but given what has happened to me, I cannot be too careful.

[Petticoats]

Whiterose, I think until you meet this guy, it's going to be impossible to get a sense of his "tone." FWIW, it sounds to me like he's just trying to be amusing and interesting, but that's something that you really need to meet him to find out for  sure.

My own internet dating venture is not as lively. I did get a weird little quiz yesterday from a guy on Chemistry who seems like the closest to compatible I've seen in a while (who actually got in contact), but I'm having my doubts about him... while knowing that meeting in person is the only real way to know if we'd click. <sigh>

[whiterose]

Hopefully he is just trying to be amusing.

I just do not have the gift of snark and am worried that he may pick up on that and put me (or others) down. Or that he may speak in sarcasm all the time- a language that I just cannot pick up, and honestly am not interested in doing so- instead of providing straightforward answers or requests.

Hopefully he is just trying to be funny and make me laugh and keep me interested. Again, without tone of voice or body language I cannot conclude much. And he has truly not made any interesting assumptions yet- let alone put me down.