Spinsters' Club Support Thread

[whiterose]

On one hand, I do definitely feel that I contribute to society. Today I did two programs at the library- and have two other big ones tomorrow. Plus I spoke Spanish AND French- I am the only person in the branch who speaks either language.

On the other hand, it is like every single trait I have that is useful at my job (and at best useful, at worst harmless everywhere else), is a hindrance when it comes to romance. I had been talking to this fellow on OKCupid for almost a week. He finally points out that I mentioned my accent being noticeable about me, and asks me where I am from. I state it in a very matter of fact way- but blended into a paragraph also stating where I finished growing up/went to undergrad (and that my family still lives there), as well as my sounding like my father so accent did not match location, and how useful my speaking Spanish was for my job since we have so many Spanish speakers at my branch. I also discussed various other things, and asked him a few more questions.

I am afraid that this new information sent him running for the hills. I sent my last message yesterday morning. He would message me every single night with only one exception- his grandmother was in town visiting during the weekend. I am giving him the benefit of the doubt, since this morning I was not able to really check OKCupid either. But it is not the first thing he found out about me. I am a US citizen born in a US territory, so it is not like I am trying to get a green card (or digging for gold).

So I cannot help but wonder if the Higher Power views me more as a useful tool than as a person with hopes/dreams/feelings/needs.

[TurtleDove]

On the other hand, it is like every single trait I have that is useful at my job (and at best useful, at worst harmless everywhere else), is a hindrance when it comes to romance......I am afraid that this new information sent him running for the hills.

I am not following this reasoning at all.  In my experience, the fact that I speak Spanish has been an icebreaker romantically, and I cannot imagine that having an interesting and foreign upbringing would be a turn-off either.  Is it possible to try couching your traits as positives rather than negatives?  For example, do you need to mention your accent in your profile?  Do you state it as a negative rather than an alluring positive (many men find accents quite enticing, which is why I am so confused by your stated experiences).  Try presenting everything about yourself positively rather than negatively and see if you get better results?

[whiterose]

Profile asks what is something that people notice quickly about me. I put my accent- and that it was hard to pin down/identify. That way I reveal that I have an accent ahead of time.

I do not know if men see something behind the details. Since this specific lad has not said anything explicitly about it, I have to give him the benefit of the doubt.  But as I did state in another thread, I had one guy on the fourth date hold my hometown and ethnic background against me, saying that he "had never met a (my ethnic background) woman who had a long fuse". He also disliked the way I talked overall- but acknowledged that my accent was not something that I could change or control, just that he had problems with my voice getting too loud at inappropriate times.

It is possible that the fellow I had been writing to recently does not like the specific accent from the place- which may be moot, since I do not have it, and I stated so. He has not heard me speak yet, though.

Again, I am jumping to conclusions. But it will hurt a lot if he decides to drop me altogether and without explanation after this conversation- I can only assume the worst.

[pinkyblue]

Company on the ledge!  Cool!! 

whiterose, I hope it works out better than you're expecting/fearing.  You sound like an amazing and fascinating person to me.

[prairie_dances]

I hope I'm not hijacking but I'm hoping to get some opinions from some fellow Spinsters I decided to bite the bullet and try online dating. I've been emailing back and forth with this one guy for almost two weeks. This is the first time that I've conversed with someone through an online dating site so I'm not sure how it all works. Is two weeks too long to be e-mailing back and forth without a date or phone offer? He hasn't responded today (he usually responds pretty quickly and at the same time) so I'm thinking he lost interest? Sigh, I hate that I care. 

Anyway....love this thread. You guys are awesome!

[Wonderflonium]

I don't think it's too long, but everyone is different. If you want to meet, ask him out for coffee. Don't be afraid to take the bull by the horns, so to speak.

[Petticoats]

When I started contemplating internet dating, a married friend who met her husband online offered me this piece of advice: Meet in person as soon as you conveniently can. It's possible to build up what feels like a great relationship in emails only to find that in person you don't click, and it's better to learn that you're not right for each other before you've both invested a lot of time and emotional energy.

My first (and to date only) meet-up with someone I met through Match.com was a good corroboration of this rule. He and I had fantastic email, but in person we were very clearly not right for each other.

I would definitely suggest making concrete plans with this fellow to meet soon.

[Reader]

When I started contemplating internet dating, a married friend who met her husband online offered me this piece of advice: Meet in person as soon as you conveniently can. It's possible to build up what feels like a great relationship in emails only to find that in person you don't click, and it's better to learn that you're not right for each other before you've both invested a lot of time and emotional energy.

I would definitely suggest making concrete plans with this fellow to meet soon.

I second this.  I did the same thing.  Spent weeks e-mailing and I thought he was great.  Meeting in person, not so much.  Ended up walking past him where we were supposed to meet because he didn't look like his profile pic.  Turns out his pics were over 2 years old, pre divorce, and he had packed on the pounds since then.  I have nothing against a few extra pounds, but since I am on the small size being more than twice my weight scares me off from dating you.  Now my profile states your picture must be current within the year to contact me. 

[Giraffe, Esq]

<sigh>

So I tried a speed dating thing last night.  (Yay Groupon!)

At the end of the night, you list your top guys, the ones you'd be interested in meeting up with for more than 7 minutes.  If any of them also put your name down, yay, they'll send you each other's email and first name.

...I got zero matches.

Zero.

(There, there, ego, you didn't really want to be unblemished, did you?  Crushed is a much more natural state of being.)

I'm 30, relatively socially competent, decently pretty, intelligent, and pretty darn funny (according to my friends) and I've never had a boyfriend.  And every time I "try harder" by putting myself out there...stuff like this happens.

I'm gonna curl up under my desk and whimper for a while.  Are there cookies left on that ledge?

[prairie_dances]

Thanks for the advice Wonderflonium,Petticoats, and Reader. I've been wanting to ask him for coffee or something but I was worried it might seem pushy since I initiated the first e-mail after I saw that he "wanted to meet me" on POF. But what the heck, if he writes back maybe I'll just go for it anyway.

((hugs))Giraffe, Esq. I have some ice cream to offer.

[Petticoats]

(((Giraffe)))

Good for you for getting out there and trying, though. It takes guts. I figure every social interaction could lead somewhere, so nothing's ever really wasted effort. But I know how it is when it *feels* wasted--and demoralizing to boot. I'm sorry you didn't have a better experience.

I'm back on the ledge today myself. I'll bring plenty of cookies . . . and some chardonnay.

Thanks for the advice Wonderflonium,Petticoats, and Reader. I've been wanting to ask him for coffee or something but I was worried it might seem pushy since I initiated the first e-mail after I saw that he "wanted to meet me" on POF. But what the heck, if he writes back maybe I'll just go for it anyway.

((hugs))Giraffe, Esq. I have some ice cream to offer.

Yes, go for it! Can't hurt. See above re: no effort is ever truly wasted.

[Reader]

(((Giraffee))) x2, plenty of room left on our ledge for you and plenty of cookies as well.

Praire_dances - that's the site I'm on too!  Not quite sure if I like that feature.  I get plenty of guys that click that button and then nothing. 

[shmoggy]

If you want to know if things will go anywhere with this person you should definitely meet as soon as you can.  (As long as you feel comfortable based on your chats.)

My story real quick:
I met my bf on okcupid and we hit it off right away online.  I really wanted to meet him but was nervous.  We went out on our first date and have been together ever since.  Only 6 weeks but it's been great fun and I enjoy his company and see a future with him.  We had talked online for nearly a month before we met and I have to be honest, he was DIFFERENT in person than online.  The longer I know him, the two "people" merge and I like them both, but it was definitely interesting to see how his words online sounded in person.  That's why I agree you should meet right away because online you can build this fantasy of how someone is but in person it may be completely different.  Good luck to you, I've been single for about 3 years and it's very different not being single.  The important thing for me to know about myself is that I CAN be single and still be happy.  A bf is just an enhancement to my already pretty decent life.  If that makes any sense.

I hope I'm not hijacking but I'm hoping to get some opinions from some fellow Spinsters I decided to bite the bullet and try online dating. I've been emailing back and forth with this one guy for almost two weeks. This is the first time that I've conversed with someone through an online dating site so I'm not sure how it all works. Is two weeks too long to be e-mailing back and forth without a date or phone offer? He hasn't responded today (he usually responds pretty quickly and at the same time) so I'm thinking he lost interest? Sigh, I hate that I care. 

Anyway....love this thread. You guys are awesome!

[Wonderflonium]

*hugs Giraffe* That sucks. I've actually wanted to try speed dating because honestly, I'm not pretty but I have a good personality, so I thought it might go better than online. I haven't found a place around here, and at this point, I'm not sure if I want.

Even though you got no matches, it doesn't mean no one was interested. It just means no one in whom you were interested was interested in you. It still sucks, but it doesn't mean that no one wanted you!!

A friend of mine who got married in October just posted pictures from her wedding. They are gorgeous, she is happy and glowing, and it is all wonderful. I'm really, really happy for her. I'm also dead jealous. *sigh* She got married in my dream venue. I'm tired of planning other people's weddings; I want to plan mine!

[Sirius]

Sirius, you can be an associate member.  As long as you promise to bring drinks and cookies. 

I make a mean carrot cake.  Can I bring that?