Author Topic: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)  (Read 5343 times)

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magician5

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #15 on: November 11, 2011, 07:53:27 AM »
The kid may be in crisis, but it's HER crisis. The person who needs to handle it is her mother. Anyone else should quit the amateur "trying to help" and shut down opportunities for Lolita and Jim to be at the same event. I wouldn't even consider inviting either again until this improves. You have described a minor child in such a degree of crisis that she might as well be waving a red flag to signal "somebody notice and take action please!" Express your serious concern to her mother.

Jim ... don't hand me "unwittingly". If an adult can't control his clearly encouraging behavior, over such a period of time, he's enjoying it to one degree or another. And if he can't control himself, the best place he can be is ... GONE. For his own safety, for the girl's health, and for harmony in your group of friends.

I don't care if you promised and pinky-swore, do not host the child overnight again. And speaking for myself, if it were my choice, I wouldn't host Jim again. That's unfortunate for Jim, but he's certainly not acting to protect himself.
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shhh its me

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #16 on: November 11, 2011, 08:30:08 AM »
   Knowing even normal teenaged girls Lolita has probably already told someone Jim is her boyfriend and likely that he is an adult.  At somepoint someone is going to believe her or a parent is going to overhear and call the police, tell Jim this.  I think Jim can speak to a counselor about how to disengage safely from her.  She is either using suicide as manipulation or she is serious and in grave danger. Either way catering to her isn't helping. 

I think you can still invite her AS LONG AS JIM IS NOT THERE but you don't have to. "We'll do this again sometime" is not an invitation, it's a pre-invitation.

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #17 on: November 11, 2011, 09:27:01 AM »
I'd be inclined to drop the hammer on Jim and make it very clear just how not-okay this is. Ditto Susan. If neither of them listen, I'd start withdrawing- I would not want be in the line of fire when this goes into meltdown and that sounds pretty likely.

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WillyNilly

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #18 on: November 11, 2011, 09:58:35 AM »
I think both Jim and Lolita need professional help ASAP - we're talking they needed help a year ago, not next week.  And if I were you I would tell Jim and Susan this in no uncertain terms.   Not a "you should" or "you might want to consider" but a "you absolutely must, right now, here I'll sit and wait and drink a cup of coffee while you use your cellphone and get help right now" thing.

For Lolita it should be easy - she's a minor and has expressed suicidal thoughts to her mother and on paper which she handed to a trusted adult.  Please sit back and think about that for a moment and point that out to both Susan and Jim.  I mean what else could she do?  Hire a skywriter?  She flat out wrote it, in her handwriting, in black and white and handed it to a trusted adult and everyone ignores it and thinks shes just some oversexed teen?  That was the most blatant, direct, clear, in your face cry for help a person could issue.  There was nothing coy, or passive, or hinting it was absolutely crystal clear in its message.  I hurt for this child who maturely, directly and specifically asked for help and has been routinely ignored.

For Jim, help might be harder to find, but I would suggest he start with a suicide help line or a social worker.  Maybe even a cop.  I mean Lolita is Susan's charge and Susan is failing to properly supervise her and Jim [should feel] threatened.  He might do well to speak with a counselor on his own as well to work through why this attention is so hard for him to part with and why he is so weakened around this child and to get some coping methods and appropriate dialog scripts.

And under no circumstances should you allow Jim and Lolita in your home (or car, etc) together at anytime, lest you become an accessory to the crime which is seemingly brewing.

Venus193

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #19 on: November 11, 2011, 10:08:16 AM »
Susan needs a major reality check.  Perhaps a social worker is in order here.

Under no circumstances should Lolita and Jim (Humbert) be under the same roof for even an hour.

Twik

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #20 on: November 11, 2011, 10:32:43 AM »
These poor, deluded people are not your responsibility.

I would tell Lolita that, sorry, the invitation ONLY covers her and her mom coming, and Jim will NOT be there while she is. That will probably put her off wanting to come quite effectively.

I'd tell Jim that I'll miss him while he's in jail, and let him reflect on that. I would not give any opportunity for them to be together in your house, or while Lolita is under your custody. If something does happen, the mother will not be saying "Oh, Raintree was right, I should have listened to her!" She'll be blaming you for being Jim's p*mp. That's the way denialists think.
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wheeitsme

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #21 on: November 11, 2011, 11:06:09 AM »
My etiquette question (finally!).  Since that weekend Lolita has been texting me asking when she can come and stay in that room. Then she adds that "Jim had better be there!" because "it's boring without him" (yeah I know, rude, makes me want to withdraw my offer) and she hopes it's without her mom there. (I would definitely have her mom there).  I know that she is now texting Jim a ton and that he is acting like some kind of best buddy to her.

How do I politely resolve this dilemma, ie not let down a girl in crisis, while still setting limits on this whole creepy thing she has going with Jim? Can I withdraw my offer and just stay out of it altogether? I want to help, but I don't want to enable.


"Jim's not staying for a while.  But the offer still stands for you and your mom to come stay in your old rooms!"

atirial

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #22 on: November 11, 2011, 11:22:48 AM »
Susan needs a major reality check.  Perhaps a social worker is in order here.

Under no circumstances should Lolita and Jim (Humbert) be under the same roof for even an hour.
POD. Are there any school counsellors who could get involved? If she's fifteen and writing notes that she's suicidal to adults outside the family she needs help.

Jimk needs a wake-up call. He is putting himself in a position to be accused of doing something even if he didn't, and if he upsets the girl she could just as easily make something up. He's not helping her - from the sound of it it's more like he's enabling her.

Is there any chance she is acting up and exaggerating the problems to get closer to Jim? I knew someone who would have a crisis in his life everytime the girl he was after walked away. When she cut him dead, the crises dried up.
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WhiteTigerCub

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Re: The etiquette of dealing with Lolita (epic length)
« Reply #23 on: November 11, 2011, 11:40:52 AM »

"Jim's not staying for a while.  But the offer still stands for you and your mom to come stay in your old rooms!"
[/quote]

This sounds like a perfect way to address the visit at your house.

Jim needs to be told. "It is not in your best interest to continue to enable her poor behavior." *repeat*

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