Bringing Up the Future and Values

[pennylane]

I just got off the phone with my friend from the OP.  She and her BF went on a mini vacation together and just got back yesterday.  She said that they finally sat down and she asked him where he saw things going and he basically said that he wants to take things slow but that he doesn't want to lose her.  She said that after having that conversation they actually had the conversation about children and found out that they're on the same page and are moving in the right direction together.  She feels really good about things, so I guess for this particular couple, the timing was right for them. 

Glad to hear this!

[Sophia]

That's really interesting.  I would never marry someone who hadn't told me verbally that he loves me.  Actions are important, but the words are too.  To me, the "I Love You" is a monumental moment that takes the relationship into a more solid direction.

Amazing how people are so different, eh?

I agree.  To me, it means alot when someone verbalizes it.  I wanna hear it, and be with a man who isn't afraid to say it.

I mean, sure- it's definitely better for someone to never say it, but show it every day in their actions, as opposed to someone who says it all the time, but doesn't show it in the way they act, so you're wondering if it's b/s....

But I'd rather have both-- say it to me, as well as show it.  Just gotta have it all.  :-)

Anyone else read the book "5 love langauges"?  Really good book.  It says people express and recognize love expressions through:  words of love, acts of love, gifts, touch, and sex.  That people are more likely to recognize love expressed the way they do.  So, I hopefully neither Brad Pitt nor Whats-her-face use words of love. 

[WasabiWithYou]

I agree with those on this board who have said that most things will come out in due course -- whether or not you want children/how many, parenting styles, spending habits/approaches to personal finance, lifestyle attributes, etc.  There's really no need to sit your prospective honey down interview-style and say things like, "I would like 2.5 children.  Would you also like to have 2.5 children?"

However, while I am of the camp that "the talk" is mostly unnecessary, there is one thing I believe is important to establish pretty up front: whether or not the two of you are on the same page as far as level of commitment desired. Is this dating for fun, or dating with the intent of finding a life-partner?  If you're the type that sees dating as a means to an eventual end (i.e.: marriage), then there's no point "wasting your time" with someone who either a) isn't open to marrying anyone, ever, or b) is not at a point in his/her life where s/he wants to commit to a long-term relationship just yet.  Don't get me wrong, I do not judge those who enjoy "dating for fun;" it just doesn't suit some people (myself included). Personally, I wouldn't consider dating anyone who doesn't see dating the way I do: as a way to figure out what you want in a life-partner, and as a means to eventually FINDING that person who you want to spend your life with. 

[magdalena]

This is a really interesting topic.

DH and I dated for ages - we'd been together for 8 and engaged for 5 years when we gor married last year - and knew all of these things about each other early on. After all, we'd been friends for 3 years before we became romantically involved.

I'm one more of those people who think that most of the important topics do (and should) come up during other conversations and in various situations and should be discussed when they do emerge. Having "a talk" at an early point would have scared both me and my bf at the time. We did have serious discussions about what we wanted from the relationship very early on (although we were just starting Uni at the time), as we were facing a long-distance relationship and both had no interest pining away and wasting time if we were not even on the same page.

However, we have both changed a great deal in our time together. Take children: when we first met and became friends DH told me he didn't ever want to have kids (ok, he was 17) and I was convinced I wanted a minimum of 4... we've both moved and are down to 2 (DH) or 3 (me). Our career plans have changed and evolved, our goals have shifted and have become common goals, it takes a lot of talking and shared time to figure out where we're headed but I think we're on the right path.

Oh, the saying "I love you"... we went from the phase of just saying "I'm crazy about you" and similar to saying "I love you" in English (our first common language) and finally to saying it in our mother tongues. And we both say it quite a bit. It means a lot to us.

[HushHush]

Yes, the Five Love Languages is a great book!  I borrowed it from my sister and loaned it to a friend who was having serious marital problems (she saw me reading it and asked to borrow it.  I didn't give it to her.  That would have been presumptous) and she was blown away at how accurate it was.

I recommend that book to everyone.  So good.