Friend not acting like much of a friend lately...

[Sorceress]

I have a good friend who lives in a different state than I do so our primary method of contact is instant messaging or email.  We've hung out together on occasion over the last few years.  Now I've known friend to be a bit controlling and intolerant.  If she wants to do something, she expects her friends to want to do it too even if it's not something they're interested in.  If they want to do something she's not interested in, she won't do it.

She's also intolerant of opinions differing from her own.  We both are into a certain fandom and while she's an artist, I write fiction.  Problem is my interpretation of the fandom and some characters differs vastly from hers; and she's let me know it on several occasions and in a way that makes me feel judged and "wrong" for the way I write.  I've had very good reviews and feedback from others about my writing.  She even once said that my writing would be perfect if only I didn't write about the fandom we're involved in.  I just let it go and continued to write what made me happy.

Well, her birthday is coming up and I ordered her gift on December 1 and had it sent to her.  I then emailed letting her know to expect a package and to please let me know when it arrived so I know it got there safely.

After a few days I didn't hear back from her so I thought maybe she went somewhere for the weekend and she'd get back to me on Monday.  Nothing, so I thought maybe she didn't get the email for whatever reason and sent another.  Nothing.  Finally, she posts to her LiveJournal and basically rants about how she's not talking to anyone in the fandom anymore because she's disgusted by most of the fanfiction out there; mine were implied in her rant as well.

I respect her need to take a break and distance herself from the fandom.  I've had to do that a few times as well, but apparently I'm not worth the two minutes it takes to respond to an email and let me know that she knows to expect a package and to tell me she won't be around for a while.  All I wanted was to know that she got my email.

I feel bad about this a little, but I regret having sent her gift now.  She obviously doesn't appreciate it; and not only that, she publicly and passive aggressively dissed my writing. 

I just don't get it.  I'm okay with her not liking my writing.  I'm not okay with her refusing to answer an email that has nothing to do with what she's pissed about simply because she feels like having a hissy fit about writing she hates.

Anyway, that will be the last gift she ever gets from me.  Hope she enjoys it.

[Chocolate Cake]

I don't blame you.   It doesn't sound like much of a friend anyway considering her lack of tolerance and disinterest in being supportive of you.

[outcastspice]

well that's terrible! has the gift already gone out? perhaps you can cancel it.

[Sorceress]

Unfortunately, it's probably been shipped.  It was a Japanese import game that I won off ebay that she really wanted.  The seller hasn't made any efforts to communicate with me since I won the auction.  Some sellers email you to let you know when they'll be shipping the item.  This one hasn't.  I guess it's just my week for communication snafus.

[goblue2539]

I was going to ask too if there was a way to stop shipment of the gift.  Could you contact the seller to find out if it's gone out yet?  He or she might be willing to change the shipping address to you if it hasn't.  I'm sorry you have to deal with someone like that.  Try to take the positive feedback, and let her negativity go.  

[Sorceress]

I could try to have the address changed.  Maybe if I'm lucky the seller wasn't paying attention and sent it to me anyway.  Though I won this thing on the 1st.  I'm sure it's been shipped somewhere.

[Clara Bow]

I hate to tell you this peaches, but she is not your friend. While there is no reason why she can't move back from the fandom, flaming you and then ignoring you when you've gone out of your way to send her a gift is both rude and inexcusable. I'm sorry that happened to you.

[FolkRockFan]

I wouldn't bother with this person anymore. I'm a writer too. Not all of the people who read my writing have much good to say about it. Some of them actually loathe what I've put on paper. Others like my work. They all have one thing in common, though: they offer constructive feedback. When I take their collective advice and think about what they've said, I can usually make my writing better.

When I find a person who just wants to make hateful or nasty comments? I don't bother with him or her. It's a waste of my time and his/hers.

[Tabris]

Agh, stressful. Fandom friendships either work like a charm or else they don't.

This person sounds like she has a mecha-sized chip on her shoulder. With any luck, maybe she'll return the gift to you in a fit of pique and you can resell it on ebay. 

[Sorceress]

Thanks, everyone.  I don't plan on talking to her anymore.  I figured she was just overly opinionated, but this is the first time she's ignored my emails and gotten snippy in her online journal.  Maybe it's just a phase, but I don't feel like putting up with it.

[Sorceress]

I wouldn't bother with this person anymore. I'm a writer too. Not all of the people who read my writing have much good to say about it. Some of them actually loathe what I've put on paper. Others like my work. They all have one thing in common, though: they offer constructive feedback. When I take their collective advice and think about what they've said, I can usually make my writing better.

When I find a person who just wants to make hateful or nasty comments? I don't bother with him or her. It's a waste of my time and his/hers.

*nods*  I agree.  Unfortunately, I thought she was better than this.  What aggravates me isn't that she dislikes my writing; it's that she posted to her LJ explaining why she wasn't talking to people in order to avoid answering me directly.  And what I wanted to know had nothing to do with writing at all.  I just write what she doesn't like so in her mind that was a good enough reason to ignore any email from me.  Some friend.

[Lisbeth]

This person sounds like she isn't a good friend if she's so intolerant of your tastes in writing that she can't be bothered to acknowledge the gift.

[sammycat]

Now I've known friend to be a bit controlling and intolerant.  If she wants to do something, she expects her friends to want to do it too even if it's not something they're interested in.  If they want to do something she's not interested in, she won't do it.

She's also intolerant of opinions differing from her own.  ...in a way that makes me feel judged and "wrong" for the way I write. 

I recently ended a friendship with a woman that acted like this. I was just the latest in a long line of people that had crossed her off their list as she had to always be in control and it was basically her way of the highway.  The fact that your "friend" chose to slam you in her internet diary rather than talk to you directly indicates that she is really a coward, much the same as my ex friend was.

I will not allow myself to ever be in a relationship again with someone who tries to make me feel bad about myself.  A friend is someone who supports you, whether they agree with your choices or not, not someone who tries to pull you down because they have issues.

I hope you are able to get the present back or redirected to your house.

[fklwmn]

The fact that your "friend" chose to slam you in her internet diary rather than talk to you directly indicates that she is really a coward, much the same as my ex friend was.

I'm not sure that I agree with this statement. In fact, I don't agree with it at all. I'm sure in some cases it could be true, but I think it's assumptive.

I have actually been on the other side of this kind of situation where I wrote about a friend in my blog, rather than talking to her. It wasn't a PA way to get a message to her (she had long since stopped checking my blogs), it was a way for me to work through my own troubles and feelings regarding our failing relationship.

I think best when I write, and I communicate much more clearly then as well. In fact, I often write about my problems and things I am experiencing before I will talk to friends about any of it, because it takes my writing about it for me to get a clear understanding of why I am feeling the way that I am. So often, I will write a blog and my friends will read it and then call me to talk more about what I have written, knowing it's hard for me to put things into words verbally (which is ironic given how much I talk!).

I don't really write with an audience in mind though if I know that I have written something that will upset someone who reads my blogs I will set that entry to private. But writing my blogs is, to me, the BEST way for me to communicate emotional things to my friends. They are mostly emotional things I am dealing with, independent of any of my friends, but not always.

In any case, I wrote about the friend I wrote about for 2 reasons. The first being, it was what I needed to do to sort through my emotions. The second reason was that due to her actions in the preceeding months, I did not feel like I could talk to her about any of it, and I needed to get it off of my chest.

I'm sure, when she eventually found out I had posted what I was feeling in my blog she was hurt, but it was her actions that caused me to feel like I could not take this to her directly. I am not saying this was true in your case, but I'm sure my ex friend wouldn't think it is true in her case either.

 

[Alida]

I wish I could understand why fandom friendships can be so volatile.  Most of us are adults, but for some reason, it seems like when people get behind their computers, people who HAVE children end up ACTING like children.

She's also intolerant of opinions differing from her own.  ...in a way that makes me feel judged and "wrong" for the way I write.

That's not a friend - a friend should never make you feel like you are being judged. 

I feel bad about this a little, but I regret having sent her gift now.  She obviously doesn't appreciate it; and not only that, she publicly and passive aggressively dissed my writing.

Don't feel bad about regretting that!  You spent time and money to find something just for her and she doesn't have the good manners to at least acknowledge that generous and caring gesture.  Instead, she aims a barb at you.