Author Topic: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,34]  (Read 16526 times)

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Cz. Burrito

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Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,34]
« on: November 15, 2011, 08:06:26 PM »
I'm still finding what transpired with a friend of mine to be utterly bizarre...

At the beginning of September, I went to a convention with some friends in Atlanta.  We've all been a part of the same social group for close to a decade and are all over the country.  It was great to meet up with them.  One friend in particular and I noted a bit of a spark, which we decided to pursue.  He lives 1,000 miles away from me, and came to visit a couple of weeks later.  A couple of weeks after that, we went to Chicago together.  At this point, we determine that this thing, whatever it is, is very real and we consider ourselves to be in a relationship.  A little bit after that, we reveal the relationship to the social group.  All told, about 6 weeks have passed since this whole thing started.

One friend of ours was absolutely incensed that we were concealing what was going on between us and cut ties with me over the reveal, which he referred to as "damage control."  (Not clear what the damage is here, but...okay.)  A decade-long friendship...ended over this...  ???

I'm 100% certain that my now-former friend way over-reacted, but at what point is it normal to disclose a new relationship?
« Last Edit: April 15, 2012, 10:59:21 PM by CzarinaBurrito »

Yvaine

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2011, 08:10:02 PM »
Your time frame sounds perfectly reasonable.

Which one was your friend unrequitedly interested in, yourself or your new partner?  >:D

jmarvellous

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2011, 08:10:30 PM »
With friends you'd speak to regularly, I'd say 2-3 months is normal.

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #3 on: November 15, 2011, 08:11:46 PM »
What happened is pretty much what I would consider 'normal'.

Other friend is off his rocker.  Any chance that he had designs on you (or him, for that matter) and now feels like he missed his chance?  He may feel like that if he knew from the get go, he could have made his move and now it's too late.
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lady_disdain

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #4 on: November 15, 2011, 08:13:15 PM »
Talk about an over reaction!

I think you were perfectly fine. First of all, there wasn't a relationship to disclose earlier! You went on a couple of dates, tested the water and decided to take the plunge. From your timeline, that was when you told people. What did friend want- to know all the dates you go on?

Second, I think it is always wise to be a little careful with relationships within a group of friends, as it can generate some conflict, a little tension and a lot of gossip. Even if you held off telling for longer, I wouldn't think anything of it.

Ending a 10 year friendship over this? That is way over the top. The only explanation I can see is that friend had a crush on yu himself and is upset that your new guy acted while he dithered.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #5 on: November 15, 2011, 08:14:10 PM »
Your time frame sounds perfectly reasonable.

Which one was your friend unrequitedly interested in, yourself or your new partner?  >:D

We think he's interested in my new partner.  It's become a running joke.  If my partner posts something on his blog/facebook/etc and former-friend responds first, I'll get an email that says "Looks like FF likes me more than you!"   :)

But seriously, it does seem like FF expected my new partner to be his bachelor bar-going buddy and wingman, which is unreasonable even without me being in the picture (partner has kids and travels a lot for work).

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #6 on: November 15, 2011, 08:18:19 PM »
Talk about an over reaction!

I think you were perfectly fine. First of all, there wasn't a relationship to disclose earlier! You went on a couple of dates, tested the water and decided to take the plunge. From your timeline, that was when you told people. What did friend want- to know all the dates you go on?

Second, I think it is always wise to be a little careful with relationships within a group of friends, as it can generate some conflict, a little tension and a lot of gossip. Even if you held off telling for longer, I wouldn't think anything of it.

Ending a 10 year friendship over this? That is way over the top. The only explanation I can see is that friend had a crush on yu himself and is upset that your new guy acted while he dithered.

The bolded is what my partner kept saying.  He can't believe that there was an expectation that he post "So, there's this person who I might be into and she might be into me and we're not really sure what this is and we're going to see each other in a couple of weeks, so I'd just thought I'd let you know that nothing is happening."

We were also definitely cognizant of potential fallout within the group.  We wanted to make sure that we had a solid idea of where we stood with each other first, and, honestly, we would have held out longer except that people had started guessing.

And former-friend never even said a single word to me after we disclosed our relationship.  This is a person I've invited into my home on numerous occasions, and he just cut me out without a word.  He's still cozying up to my partner, though.   :-\
« Last Edit: November 15, 2011, 08:19:58 PM by CzarinaBurrito »

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #7 on: November 15, 2011, 09:04:39 PM »
I think in general, it depends on the type of friendship you have. If you have a very close friend who you chat with at least once a day, it would seem weird to suddenly say "Oh, by the way! I've been dating a guy for the last six weeks!" I can see how that might be hurtful to your best friend, if you'd said absolutely nothing about it previously.

But in your situation, I don't think you were rude at all. Your former friend is overreacting.

Sterling

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #8 on: November 15, 2011, 09:47:38 PM »
Yeah you did nothing wrong.  Once a person is past the teen years I think it pays to wait.  At 31 I would have to have been on at least 4-5 dates before I called it a relationship anyway.
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blarg314

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #9 on: November 15, 2011, 09:59:30 PM »
I would say that a good point is no later than when you want to start socializing as a couple, or the point when people are going to notice anyways.

So if it's normal in your group to invite steady SO's along with you, then telling people about a new SO adds them to the list.  Or if you tend to arrive and leave events together with a mutual set of friends it's probably better to tell people outright, because they will be guessing anyways.

I think it's perfectly fine to keep a new relationship quiet for a while, particularly while you're figuring out if it is a relationship or not, and how it's going.   However, it's generally not very practical to have some people know, but expect it to still be secret from other people - once it's out, it's out.


aiki

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #10 on: November 15, 2011, 10:40:09 PM »
Looks like you've spoiled a fine bromance.  >:D

Seriously, I think it's very considerate of Former Friend  to put himself in timeout if he can't handle the fact that two adults of his acquaintance have started a relationship without his intimate involvement.
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JoyinVirginia

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #11 on: November 15, 2011, 11:15:13 PM »
Your actions were very reasonable. Friends do not have veto power over relationships of their friends. This reaction is quite strange.

Winterlight

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #12 on: November 16, 2011, 09:19:12 AM »
I'm 100% certain that my now-former friend way over-reacted, but at what point is it normal to disclose a new relationship?

Before the wedding.

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Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #13 on: November 16, 2011, 09:20:35 AM »
Looks like you've spoiled a fine bromance.  >:D

Seriously, I think it's very considerate of Former Friend  to put himself in timeout if he can't handle the fact that two adults of his acquaintance have started a relationship without his intimate involvement.

That's a very good way of looking at it.

(Of course, it would be even nicer if he would stop courting my boyfriend.  :P)

MrTango

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new rel[color=black]ationship[/color]?
« Reply #14 on: November 16, 2011, 09:25:30 AM »
POD to the previous posters who said you were fine.

I have no doubt that your former friend had a crush on you and got jealous that you had the audacity to go out with someone else.   ::)