Author Topic: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,34]  (Read 16810 times)

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Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #60 on: March 21, 2012, 03:03:50 PM »
Czarina, has "Friend" ever acted like this with anyone else? He'll soon find himself quite lonely if his reaction to people finding Significant Others is not "Congratulations" but "NOOOOO! You can't do that!"

Yes, he has tried to do this with two other couples.  It's definitely a pattern and some people (fewer than you would hope) are starting to see through it.

jedikaiti

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #61 on: March 21, 2012, 03:23:30 PM »
yuck! what a cretin!   Can I ask what your chaps says to him when he says those horrible things?  Does he ever actually give a reason for trying to split you up, or has your BF asked him why he keeps trying it?

That particular line was sent via email, so my BF did not have an immediate response and I'm not certain if he ever did respond to him.

The last time I talked to him about this, he was formulating a "final contact" email in his head.  I don't know that he will send it, but he is quickly coming to the conclusion that these are not things that friends say and do.

Pity that the friend is unlikely to learn from this (or any other friends he loses for similar actions) and will, instead, blame everyone else.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

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blarg314

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #62 on: March 21, 2012, 08:20:31 PM »
Czarina, has "Friend" ever acted like this with anyone else? He'll soon find himself quite lonely if his reaction to people finding Significant Others is not "Congratulations" but "NOOOOO! You can't do that!"

Yes, he has tried to do this with two other couples.  It's definitely a pattern and some people (fewer than you would hope) are starting to see through it.

Ah, I've met one or two people like that. Coupling up is evil - it puts the man under female control and he can no longer have fun (fun defined as things like spending weekends at strip bars, or out at clubs picking up women, or being able to say yes to random sex).  His life will be over, and it's friend's duty to save him from the evils of a relationship so he can revel in the joys of single life.

It reminds me of a series of really bad Molson commercials, where poor henpecked guys can to be forcibly rescued from things like dinner with the in-laws or furniture shopping to go to a dive bar and drink watery beer with their friends.

But yeah, he's going to find himself without very many friends after a while.

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #63 on: March 21, 2012, 09:01:19 PM »
Czarina, has "Friend" ever acted like this with anyone else? He'll soon find himself quite lonely if his reaction to people finding Significant Others is not "Congratulations" but "NOOOOO! You can't do that!"

Yes, he has tried to do this with two other couples.  It's definitely a pattern and some people (fewer than you would hope) are starting to see through it.

Ah, I've met one or two people like that. Coupling up is evil - it puts the man under female control and he can no longer have fun (fun defined as things like spending weekends at strip bars, or out at clubs picking up women, or being able to say yes to random sex).  His life will be over, and it's friend's duty to save him from the evils of a relationship so he can revel in the joys of single life.

It reminds me of a series of really bad Molson commercials, where poor henpecked guys can to be forcibly rescued from things like dinner with the in-laws or furniture shopping to go to a dive bar and drink watery beer with their friends.

But yeah, he's going to find himself without very many friends after a while.

Very early on (we'd been dating for less than two months), BF went to a bar with "friend," who proceeded to say " isn't it killing you to be surrounded by all these beautiful women and not be able to do anything?" BF's answer was something along the lines of "uh, no."

Allyson

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #64 on: March 22, 2012, 01:48:04 AM »
Ah, yes. The idea that no men want to be married or seriously dating--they must have been tricked into it by women. I've met people who subscribe to that theory, and all I can say is that if you hate the idea of being with only one person so much, then don't do it. But assuming that everyone else must feel the same way you do is just obnoxious.

This guy probably also figures all women everywhere just want to get married and are looking to 'trap' a man. Basically dating/life is a big contest between men and women--if the man wins, he gets casual sex. If the woman wins, she gets married. I don't understand how this view makes any sense, but enough people seem to feel this way!

I have no problem with the concept of non-monogamy and know plenty of couples in various kinds of open relationships. But sending that book would be like sending a very religious person a book on why atheism is the only way. It's just rude.

Isometric

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #65 on: March 22, 2012, 01:55:18 AM »
No advice, but that picture is so funny!

You guys look really sweet together! I hope you'll be very happy. I'm sorry your "friend" doesn't feel the same way.

Twik

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #66 on: March 23, 2012, 09:11:20 AM »
Going back to the OP, Mr. Antimonogamy actually cut ties with Czarina Burrito because she had started dating one of his friends. This is not polite behaviour, it's not even normal or balanced behaviour.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

Jones

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #67 on: March 23, 2012, 10:28:01 AM »
OT: Reading over this thread I am totally reminded of Barney Stinson from HIMYM.

/back on topic

You two look sweet together, best of luck; sounds like you have quite the winner!

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #68 on: March 23, 2012, 11:30:36 AM »
Going back to the OP, Mr. Antimonogamy actually cut ties with Czarina Burrito because she had started dating one of his friends. This is not polite behaviour, it's not even normal or balanced behaviour.

It's utterly Bizarro World behavior.  I think it's an understatement to say that he has issues with relationships.

jedikaiti

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #69 on: March 23, 2012, 11:32:56 AM »
Going back to the OP, Mr. Antimonogamy actually cut ties with Czarina Burrito because she had started dating one of his friends. This is not polite behaviour, it's not even normal or balanced behaviour.

It's utterly Bizarro World behavior.  I think it's an understatement to say that he has issues with relationships.

I suspect his issues have issues.
What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science!

"The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture

wheeitsme

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #70 on: March 23, 2012, 11:41:23 AM »
Going back to the OP, Mr. Antimonogamy actually cut ties with Czarina Burrito because she had started dating one of his friends. This is not polite behaviour, it's not even normal or balanced behaviour.

It's utterly Bizarro World behavior.  I think it's an understatement to say that he has issues with relationships.

I suspect his issues have issues.

...and those issues be from a lifetime subscription package.

Black Delphinium

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #71 on: March 23, 2012, 11:56:02 AM »
Going back to the OP, Mr. Antimonogamy actually cut ties with Czarina Burrito because she had started dating one of his friends. This is not polite behaviour, it's not even normal or balanced behaviour.

It's utterly Bizarro World behavior.  I think it's an understatement to say that he has issues with relationships.

I suspect his issues have issues.

...and those issues be from a lifetime subscription package.
Lol
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bah12

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #72 on: March 23, 2012, 06:21:06 PM »
I think I might be a little confused...and my answer is going to go a bit against the grain.

I'll start by saying that I think your picture is adorable!  I also don't think, in general, that there's anything wrong with keeping a new relationship under wraps.  Especially in the beginning when you're still exploring your feelings for each other.  When I first got together with my now DH, we didn't immediately tell our friends what was going on.  We didn't make a huge announcement, but we did eventually start being more open around our friends.  Holding hands and then admitting that we were together.  But, I don't think there's anything wrong with "announcing" the togetherness either.

But...

Unless I'm missing something, I can kind of see why the friend had a strong reaction to your particular situation and I hope I can explain it well.  When I first saw the picture, I thought you were announcing an engagement.  I had to go back and re-read the thread to find out that you were just dating.  And while there is nothing wrong with announcing an engagement, the quote itself does seem to kind of slam the ex-spouses.  Since the divorces are recent, if the friend is at all close to your ex, I can kind of see why he had a negative reaction to it.  Maybe it was like his initial reaction was that this new romance overlapped with the ex and/or you were rubbing it in the ex's face.

Now, all that being said, if that is what he was thinking, he could have explained it to you and you could have explained that he misunderstood.  Depending on the situation, this might be something that would set me aback, but I wouldn't end a 10 year friendship over it!

Cz. Burrito

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #73 on: March 23, 2012, 10:36:30 PM »
I think I might be a little confused...and my answer is going to go a bit against the grain.

I'll start by saying that I think your picture is adorable!  I also don't think, in general, that there's anything wrong with keeping a new relationship under wraps.  Especially in the beginning when you're still exploring your feelings for each other.  When I first got together with my now DH, we didn't immediately tell our friends what was going on.  We didn't make a huge announcement, but we did eventually start being more open around our friends.  Holding hands and then admitting that we were together.  But, I don't think there's anything wrong with "announcing" the togetherness either.

But...

Unless I'm missing something, I can kind of see why the friend had a strong reaction to your particular situation and I hope I can explain it well.  When I first saw the picture, I thought you were announcing an engagement.  I had to go back and re-read the thread to find out that you were just dating.  And while there is nothing wrong with announcing an engagement, the quote itself does seem to kind of slam the ex-spouses.  Since the divorces are recent, if the friend is at all close to your ex, I can kind of see why he had a negative reaction to it.  Maybe it was like his initial reaction was that this new romance overlapped with the ex and/or you were rubbing it in the ex's face.

Now, all that being said, if that is what he was thinking, he could have explained it to you and you could have explained that he misunderstood.  Depending on the situation, this might be something that would set me aback, but I wouldn't end a 10 year friendship over it!

I can definitely see what you're saying.  Former Friend actually only met my ex 3 times.  He liked him, but they didn't have a relationship independent of me.  Most of my friends would be slamming my ex far more than that photo does after how he behaved toward me (nobody else from this group who ever met my ex even liked him at all, though of course they never told me at the time; I think Former Friend sees a bit of himself in the brokenness of my ex and views my divorce as a rejection of my ex even though it was the other way around).

Twik

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Re: Rude to not immediately disclose new BF? [Updates 16,38]
« Reply #74 on: March 27, 2012, 12:12:06 AM »
bah12, I can't see any slam against previous spouses. And even if there had been, and the friend had been best buds with Czarina Burrito's ex, the most he should have done is shrugged and though, "You know, she's not as nice as I thought. Maybe I won't hang out with her much any more." This is far different that going into a snit, first about "you didn't let me know in the right way!" and then trying to interfere with their relationship.

To attempt to break them up is bizarre and indicates some sort of unhealthy thought processes.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."