Author Topic: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer  (Read 3727 times)

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POF

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Background:

DH works retail - must be at work 10:00 pm on Thanksgiving Night and will work 12 hours usually.  We need to be home by 5:00 so he can take a nap, eat and getready for the onslaught.

His sister ( Lakehouse Sally ) typically invites us.  She usually serves dinner about 2 hours after the stated time. This can mean that we have to run out without dessert ( OK with us - she pitches a fit ) or he gets home to late to get in any kind of a nap.

Sally knows the situation - but doesn't really care and/or is incapable of managing the meal times.

We opted out for a few years - it was just easier.

This year - a lot of family are in visiting. She called to invite us and said ... will it work with you to eat at 3:00. DH said ..... I have to be home by 5:00 ( we live an hour away ) but we can come by and visit early ( have a glass of wine and some appies ) - but we will leave before dinner. PLEASE do not change your plans for us.  ( We know that we will be lucky to sit down by 5:00 and then it will be impossible to extricate ourselves. )


Nope - Sally would not take no for an answer ... she kept pushing him for a start time. He reiterated that we have to be on the road at 4:15 - and that we did not want to mess up her plans. She insisted on changing the time to 1:30. OK - we said .... thanks ( this is afte several calls )

She has been calling to coordinate a few things and keeps complaining about the time and that the turkey wonlt be ready and can't we come at 3:00 and eat at 4:00.  DH has said again .... look ... eat when you want .... we just won;t be able to stay at that time.

She called again tonight to complain.

I am making DH handle this since it is his sister and my response would be to decline the dramafest invitation although.

WHat should / could DH have done differently - he really wants to see his family on T - Day. She he have just refused without a reason why ? That is hard to do with family.

I offered to host .... but Sally insisted that it was her holiday. Thanks for the input

camlan

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2011, 09:49:40 PM »
In similar situations with siblings, I have forced them to make a choice. "Sis, there are three choices here. I can come early and see all the relations and have a drink and leave before you eat. Or I can come for dinner at 1:30,  but I have to leave at 4:15 pm. Really. 4:15 pm. Or I can not come at all. It is your choice. Pick one. But once you pick, that's it. No changing. No whining. No complaints. It's completely in your hands now. Let me know by Wednesday what you've decided. But remember, once you make your choice, I'm simply not going to listen to any complaints."

My family knows me well enough to know that I will follow through and walk away/hang up the phone if they start to complain about the decision that they have made. That's key. They make the choice; they have to live with it without complaining.
Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, “I’m possible!” –Audrey Hepburn

POF

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2011, 09:51:35 PM »
In similar situations with siblings, I have forced them to make a choice. "Sis, there are three choices here. I can come early and see all the relations and have a drink and leave before you eat. Or I can come for dinner at 1:30,  but I have to leave at 4:15 pm. Really. 4:15 pm. Or I can not come at all. It is your choice. Pick one. But once you pick, that's it. No changing. No whining. No complaints. It's completely in your hands now. Let me know by Wednesday what you've decided. But remember, once you make your choice, I'm simply not going to listen to any complaints."

My family knows me well enough to know that I will follow through and walk away/hang up the phone if they start to complain about the decision that they have made. That's key. They make the choice; they have to live with it without complaining.

Perfect plan .... DH won't hang up .. but I'll just hand over the phone when the nonsense starts.

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2011, 10:00:44 AM »
I don't really see how he could have done anything different. I can empathize with you as this is classic CF SIL behavior  -- my own CF SIL. When she wants to visit our home, the drama ensues. DH will say, you are welcome to come but we have to be at such and such place by x time. Well, then fine, she says, we just won't come at all. I can tell we are not welcome at your home, which is not what was said. (They are welcome at our home within healthy respectful boundaries. Which is a foreign concept to her.) Then a yr passes, some family event occurs, they come and she takes over my kitchen, & assumes  we are back on track. Next event: DH lays down parameters, you are welcome to come but we have to leave for ___ event by x time. Fine, then we won't come, we are not welcome in your home, sniff, sniff. (...and on and on and on.)

WillyNilly

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2011, 10:51:13 AM »
I think its at a point where perhaps you need to just ignore SIL and calmly happily let everyone else know your plans.  So ok you've told SIL you need to leave at 4:15, and well she's reacted.  Fine.

But now have a chat with your parents-IL "It will be good see everyone Thursday!  Yeah we'll be getting there early and leaving by 4:15 so we probably will miss dinner, but at least we get the good stuff - the appetizers!"  Chat with aunts and uncles "so what time are you getting there on Thursday?  2:00?  Oh well I hope we have enough time to catch up - we're actually not staying for dinner as we have to leave by 4:15..."  Chat with cousins and other siblings "so are you taking the late shift with sis?  Hahaha, yeah we're taking early shift so we can leave by 4:15 - you have fun with those dishes!"

This way when she pitches a fit everyone will know "umm.... they were pretty clear about when they needed to leave, what is she so surprised about?"

Cosmasia

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2011, 11:05:14 AM »
I can empathize with you as this is classic CF SIL behavior

I hope I'm reading this wrongly, but it sounds like you're saying that the behaviour OP describes is, in your view, how childfree sister-in-laws behave...  ??? or does CF stand for something else in your post?
Da hun kom tilbage, havde hun hundrede ting at fortælle.

NotTheNarcissist

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2011, 11:31:17 AM »
My apologies! CF also means Control Freak.

bopper

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2011, 01:08:23 PM »
See here for more ideas on Thanksgiving:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/thanksgiving

Cosmasia

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #8 on: November 24, 2011, 01:09:44 AM »
My apologies! CF also means Control Freak.

Thanks for explaining  :D
Da hun kom tilbage, havde hun hundrede ting at fortælle.

Grape

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #9 on: November 24, 2011, 12:32:25 PM »
OT - bopper, you have just introduced me to a website which will now consume the rest of my day.

/OT

diesel_darlin

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #10 on: November 24, 2011, 07:51:55 PM »
OP I hope your Thanksgiving Day went off without a hitch! ;)

 I will be facing a similar problem on Saturday, as my DH also works retail. Our family celebrates Thanksgiving on the Saturday after. DH has to work Friday night, third shift, which means he will not get off until 7 am Saturday. He was blessed to be able to have Saturday night and Sunday night off, so we will be travelling 2 hours to my Grandmas house. I am picking DH up from work, so hopefully he will sleep on the ride up. Hopefully 2 hours is enough sleep for him to carry through dinner. ;D


OT-bopper, Im with Grape. Thank you for introducing me to yet another site that will amuse me into wasting spending a whole day.  :P

The Wild One, Forever

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #11 on: November 24, 2011, 08:49:16 PM »
Oh man were those comics funny.  I want more of Aunt Milga! 

Soft silly music is meaningful, magical

diesel_darlin

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #12 on: November 24, 2011, 09:01:33 PM »
I must agree! I liked Aunt Milga! 8)

bopper

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Re: Turkey Drama - some suggestions / when they do not take no for an answer
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2011, 01:08:58 PM »
OT - bopper, you have just introduced me to a website which will now consume the rest of my day.

/OT

You are all very welcome!  ;D