It's None of Your Business---Vent

[mbbored]

My boyfriend and I have been together over 4 years, starting back in college.  We've been through a lot, and we're preparing to face the future together.  I like where we're at now, and we're working towards marriage at our own pace.  We're taking it slowly because of the example of our parents (my mother was widowed early on, his parents went through an incredibly nasty divorce). 

2 of my coworkers are newly married, another 2 are engaged, and 3 are close to being engaged (all engagements taken place within a year of dating).  Today I was walking down the hall and overheard several people talking about how my BF clearly won't commit and I should have broken up with him a long time ago.  They described my behavior towards him as ridiculous and pathetic and that I need to make him propose soon.

I am so angry that I'm seeing red.  How dare they judge my relationship?  Not everybody gets engaged a few months after meeting their significant other.  When they've confided in me in the past, I've kept their personal info to myself.  I confide in who I thought were my friends, and they ridicule and gossip about me.

I had to leave the lab for an hour to go cry because I have been so incredibly hurt by their words, and now am working steadily and keeping to myself.  Thank goodness for iPods.

[snowball's chance]

 

Can I come slap them for you?  How do they no your BF hasn't proposed 100 Xs & YOU are holding off?

If it's any consolation, one could say they are jumping into something, and haven't known their fiances long enough, and will be divorced in a matter of months  . . . but that would be a rude assumption, wouldn't it?

[WasabiWithYou]

INFURIATING.  I’m so sorry you heard them talking about you.  It’s one thing to privately disapprove of a co-workers personal life (even though it’s STILL nobody’s business but yours), but they really crossed a line when they make it the subject of office gossip…

Unfortunately, you can’t “make” anyone understand your perspective, because people like this just refuse to understand (especially anyone who would vocalize their judgment of your situation… what nasty little $*@$s.  I’m sorry if you’re friendly with any of these people, which I imagine you are, but this kind of thing really ticks me off).  In the end, you’re absolutely right: it’s none of their d--- business what decisions you and your boyfriend make about YOUR individual lives, and your life together. 

And another thing -- how presumptuous of them to assume that it’s your boyfriend who “won’t commit.”  Yeah, because everyone knows, a woman’s goal is to get that ring as fast as possible!  Oh, brother.

Are you particularly close with any of the people you heard gossiping?  If so, maybe you could take him/her aside (OUTSIDE of work) and tell him/her that while you didn’t mean to eavesdrop, you accidentally overheard  their conversation and it really hurt your feelings to hear a friend say such things about you and your relationship (not to mention how very unprofessional their behavior was… might leave that point out). 

Then again, confronting them might only exacerbate the problem.  I suppose it will really depend on your relationship with these people, and how you think they might react. I would be mortified, embarrassed and emphatically apologetic… and I’d vow to keep my gossiping trap shut forevermore.

Above all, maintain your own professional behavior at all times.  This is a workplace, after all.

Again, I’m so sorry you had to deal with that.  Try not to let their insensitive gossip get to you.  What matters is that you and your boyfriend are making the right choices for yourselves, and not according to what anyone else thinks is right for you.

[pennylane]

I want to come and smack them, too!

I HATE this!!!!!!!!  Just because they got married within a year and did it their way, why do they assume that everyone else must too- or else something is wrong with them?  Grrrrrr.

1. It's none of their business how long you wait to get married.  Or if you never get married at all.

2. Holding off and waiting for when you're ready does not make someone 'ridiculous' or 'pathetic'.  They are ridiculous and pathetic, if you ask me.

3.  I just looooove how they assume that he's the one who can't commit, and that you "need" to "make him propose."  People said this to me all the time when I was the one who wanted to wait!

4.  There is no one "right" way of dating and getting married, though they seem to think they know how it should be for everyone.

Try to laugh at these jerks, with the satisfaction of knowing what is best for you, not having to care what others think.

[mbbored]

Thanks guys.

I was sent on an errand with one of the girls, who is the person I'm probably closest too.  I told her that I didn't appreciate people making judgments about my life, and that I felt completely disrespected by my coworkers now.  She apologized thoroughly and wants to be friends again.  I told her I didn't know, and cancelled the girls night we had planned with another friend for tomorrow.  I don't exactly feel like settling in with a bottle of wine and girl talk with somebody I can't trust.

Right now I'm disgusted by the immaturity of their behavior and am finishing up my work as soon as possible to get out of this place.

It's bad enough to have relatives and family friends speculate nonstop about my relationship, but to be surrounded by it at work is more than I can possibly take.

[goblue2539]

Do you not know about being friends because you're angry?  Or was it really not that strong of a friendship to begin with? 

I hate that they did this to you, and I'd love to just fly down (since I believe I fly to your area a few times a year anyway) and beat them all over the head with a clue-by-four for you.  That being said, I'd hate for the one person who apologized to have that thrown back at her because she apologized at the wrong time. 

If you were just angry at the time she said it, offer to reschedule that girl's night.  If you really don't trust her enough to talk to her anymore, leave it alone.  If it's a trust issue, you'll never fully believe her apology anyway.   

*hugs* if they help. 

[twinkletoes]

I think GoBlue is right - and besides, you don't want to give them something more to gossip about.  I've BTDT with people like this - I had a coworker who would take any comment from me and mock it.  I learned the hard way to keep my private life, well, private while at work.  It sucks, but I can't do it any other way.

[pennylane]

I can understand how the OP feels, though. 

Maybe she just needs some time to cool off.  I wouldn't want to hang out with them right away after hearing something like that either.

[wellisawstar]

That was really rude of them. I'm sorry you had to hear that.

I'm in a relationship of a similar length with a boyfriend who isn't interested in marriage since his parents had an awful breakup. Frankly, I think I'm too young now, but I don't know if I care whether or not I ever get married as long as I have a healthy, steady relationship.

There are some people who are so "married" to the idea that everyone gets married that they are lost and confused when they see another couple who isn't getting married after being together for years. Be that as it may, that doesn't give them the right to gossip about you.

[cicero]

you are right to be upset - this is why i hate gossip.

however, I do want to bring something up: if these people are your friends, were they possibly voicing a legitimate concern? obviously, they don't know the 'whole story' otherwise they wouldn't have said what they did. but could there be something in your BF's attitudes that has them worried for your sake?

sorry if I am saying something that is wrong. But I find that sometimes we get angry because... well, sometimes our friends or acquaintances may voice something that has been a little doubt in our own minds. if you are truly ok with this relationship, and if you and your bf can truly trust one another, then that's wonderful. I don't thin that people should rush into marriage either. (I've done that myself and it's not a good idea). Before I married my first husband, one of my friends said something to me about his behavior, and the truth was that she was right but I couldn't/wouldn't listen to her, i was angry at her for saying it. I realize now that I was more angry at myself for not seeing things that were there...

[JocelynCS]

I can understand how the OP feels, though. 

Maybe she just needs some time to cool off.  I wouldn't want to hang out with them right away after hearing something like that either.

I agree.  The OP is definitely entitled (their comments made ME see red!  ) to a cooling off period to consider that "friendship", and to make THEM consider it.  There's no reason why she should have to "make nice" within days of those extremely hurtful and crass remarks.

If the friendship is worth keeping, those girls will be able to sit down with the OP and make well-deserved apologies, and the friendship will come through.  It can and does happen.  However, if they're too busy sneering over their narrow ideas of how she and her BF should run their lives, she's better off without them.

[whereamac]

I totally agree with pennylane.  This has nothing to do with them.  Hopefully you can take solace in the thought that you (and your SO) don't need to snipe about other people's relationships to validate your own.  Plus, I'm sure that one day these people will engage in this kind of behaviour over something that is totally inappropriate and end up in serious trouble at work, home, or somewhere else.

Chin up!

[Raintree]

Completely none of their business all right.

I've also learned the hard way not to blab to anyone who will listen about my relationships, and just to keep things a little more private. Talk too much with work friends or casual acquaintances and eventually it all gets thrown back into your face.

[Teapot]

Well I don't know what they would have made of me and my now DH then! We were together fourteen years before we tied the knot. And it was certainly nothing to do with lack of commitment; it was just never the right time. We went through good times and bad times, we started a business together, nursed his mother when she became housebound, laughed and cried and came through it all still happy and caring for each other, (not that I am saying that we wouldn't have done that if we had been married just that you don't need to be married to stick together and support each other.)

Anyway, after fourteen years the time was right and we got married. We were lucky enough to be able to do it exactly as we wanted; we took a dozen of the people we cared most about away with us and we all stayed in a country house hotel for the weekend (we were fortunate enough to be able to pay for everyone), the actual ceremony was in a castle, and with us all being together the celebration lasted the entire weekend. It was just as special as if we had had a whirlwind romance and married in three months. (Even my romantically challenged DH keeps referring to it magical.)

Some people seem unable to realise that their way of doing things is not the only way. I think you did the right thing challenging your colleague about speculating about your private life and I think a little coolness is well in order.

The main thing is don't let them make you doubt yourself or your boyfriend. I know how it can get under your skin when people criticise you, even when you know that they are wrong. The only important people in this are you and your boyfriend and if you are both happy then everything is just fine. I suggest you call him up, arrange a date doing something you really enjoy and I bet you anything you'll suddenly find that you don't care what they think at all.

[straightnochaser]

Sadly, some females wear marriage/engagement like some sort of award.  It symbolizes to them (and they hope to others) that they've "won" and can now be counted among the worthy.  Ridiculous isn't it? 

Honey, don't let them worry you.  You and your boyfriend will do what is best for yourselves in your own time.

As for the other females in your office that think their stuff is air-tight?  Check with them in a couple years.