Hypothetical - When a SO forgets your birthday.

[missmolly]

Today I googled the phrase "forgot my birthday" and read all these posts and articles from people, (mostly women), who's SO had forgotten their birthday. They were quite fascinating, and sometimes a little sad to read.


This has never happened to me before, (weirdly I've never actually had a BF around my birthday time), but I was wondering, what is the correct way to act with an SO when they forget your birthday? Do you mention it? Suck it up?

[Amava]

I forget my *own* birthday if nobody reminds me of it! 

Now, if my birthday *did* matter to me, I think the correct way to go would be to bring it up and to suggest going to do something together for it, rather than steaming silently about it or letting the disappointment build.

But for me, whether someone thinks of my birthday is certainly not a hill to die on. My hill to die on is: absolutely no surprise parties. That is something I have told my SO from the very beginning. No. Surprise. Birthday. Parties. EVER. Not even a surprise outing with the two of us. If I have to go somewhere on any day, I need to mentally prepare myself for that.

[Winterlight]

It depends. How long have you been together? Is there a celebratory tradition? Does he forget yours but demand a big fuss at his? How does SO react when reminded- contrite or pouty?

[guihong]

My husband often gets the day wrong, but he's within a week  .  Like Amava, if no one reminds me, I'll forget it myself.

Like anything else, communicate!  There's no "correct", but if you want hypothetical him to remember, you have to ask for what you want.  I don't see the point in playing coy-tell "him" "My birthday is next week, what do you say we have dinner out at Chez Dining Pad?" 

[SiotehCat]

I don't think my DH could ever forget my birthday. Not with how often I remind him.

[jmarvellous]

I talk about my birthday a lot leading up to it, so yeah, it'd be hurtful if an SO forgot. I had a first date on my birthday once and that guy even gave me a gift -- a second-hand book (went dutch on lunch, though).

My most recent ex and I had the same birthday, and he hated celebrating his while I loved celebrating mine, so we compromised and just celebrated with each other rather than making a big deal of it; my mom visited on another day for a second small celebration that he mostly avoided (we celebrated 2 birthdays together).

With current BF, I made a big deal about his birthday, and if he didn't at least get me a gift or do something extra-nice I'd feel pretty slighted. And I'd mention it. Not in a fit-of-rage way, just "I'm really hurt" etc.

[amanda_tlg]

In 10 yrs, my DH has never once remembered my birthday. Or our anniversary. Or Mother's day. Or Valentine's Day. Or Christmas.

Yes, i am 100% seriously.

Holidays, birthdays, celebrations are just not a big deal to him. He had a pretty horrid childhood with a semi-neglactful mother, so these things were never really made a big deal of.

It was EXTREMELY hard on me at first. I grew up in a family that celebrates. Maybe nothing big and fancy, but bdays and anniversaries were always acknowledged with a special meal and special treatment for the honoree. I'm used to it now.

Usually about a week before my bday or our anniversary I will remind him and say "Hey, make sure you get Thursday off. I've already got a sitter for the kids adn I'd like to go to Fancy Fast Food place."

[hobish]

I forget my *own* birthday if nobody reminds me of it! 

Now, if my birthday *did* matter to me, I think the correct way to go would be to bring it up and to suggest going to do something together for it, rather than steaming silently about it or letting the disappointment build.

But for me, whether someone thinks of my birthday is certainly not a hill to die on. My hill to die on is: absolutely no surprise parties. That is something I have told my SO from the very beginning. No. Surprise. Birthday. Parties. EVER. Not even a surprise outing with the two of us. If I have to go somewhere on any day, I need to mentally prepare myself for that.

Hey, same here. Cool

Gish would never forget my birthday. Even if he did i remind him I ... um ... have to wait for him to get in the shower and then steal a peak at his driver's license to make sure i have the right date for his 

[Daffydilly]

I lucked out on the birthdays. Mine is on May 1st and his is on May 2nd. So we remind each other and then have a special outing for "our" birthdays. If we buy presents, he can't wait to give me mine. So I get my present within ten minutes of him walking in the door. And I'll hide his present in plain sight. He misses it every time until we exchange them.

If either of us forgot a birthday, it would be both of us forgetting at the same time. I don't see that happening.

[dirtyweasel]

My husband didn't forget my birthday, but he did forget Valentine's Day once and that really hurt me especially since I had reminded him for the week leading up to it.  I wasn't mad that he forgot either.  I was mad because he knew about it, but decided that it wasn't a big deal even though I had told him that it was important to me.  We had a long polite conversation about it (we were in counseling at the time and using fair argument techniques) in which we both hashed out how we felt and he promised to remember Valentine's Day from then on out.  It's been six years and he hasn't forgotten one Valentine's Day.   

[fountainof]

I'm the one in my marriage to forget.  DH pretty much always remembers.  We don't really celebrate most things though, I am not really a "gift" person.  Being married it is all a commual pot and I would rather just buy myself something than get a gift.  For Christmas we buy stuff we want and just tell people they were gifts because why wrap it and wait when you could use it now.  So pretty much everything we buy in Dec we declare as gifts.  We do buy DD things to open though, maybe when she is older we buy ourselves gifts too.

My parents didn't buy my sister and I birthday gifts when we were kids.  They threw a party and that was the gift.  As adults they have gifted us money on some key birthdays but not every year.

[MrsJWine]

I really suck at birthdays. It's like that part of my brain is dead. I don't know. If it's not in my calendar on my computer with a remind set to email me the day of, it doesn't exist (this is true of many important things, not just birthdays).

One year I forgot my husband's birthday. We had gone to bed but weren't asleep yet. At exactly midnight of the next morning, he put on his best quavering sad voice and said, "Happy birthday to me?" It was the perfect mix of hilarious and guilt-inducing. I felt terrible, but we still had a good laugh over it. I'm so glad he wasn't hurt too much.

But that's what got me to start put everything important as a reminder in my phone and later in my computer. Forgetting my own husband's birthday. That's a win if I ever saw one.

[purplemuse]

Hasn't happened to me yet, but I married a guy who likes to celebrate as much as I do, so we're usually talking about and planning things in advance.

If it did happen though, I think what I would want (and what I would do if I were the forgetful one) is a later birthday celebration with a "forgetfulness penalty" to be levied-- nothing major, just something a little extra to what we would usually do for a birthday; breakfast in bed or dinner at a nicer-than-usual restaurant or something.

[Outdoor Girl]

Not a birthday but Mother's Day.

My brother forgot to get something for his wife on Mother's Day.  She did get a couple of little made in school things from the kids.  She never said a word.

Approaching Father's Day, my brother started hinting at things that would make good Father's Day presents.  My SIL said she thought they weren't doing that this year.  My brother, confused, asked why she would think that.  SIL asked him what he got her for Mother's Day.  More confusion then change in face to a look of horror when the light bulb went off.  He never said another word about Father's Day gift ideas that year but he never forgot another Mother's Day, either.

It was a pretty PA way to handle it on my SIL's part but it did work.

[ixiva]

My fiance hasn't remembered my birthday by himself since we were 16, I think it's more down to the fact that birthday's are not really celebrated in his family, same goes for valentines day and most other holidays. He does make up for it at Xmas though so can't complain too much!