Reducing Christmas Present Spend to match? Results #29

[rm247]

b/g I only got back into contact with my Dad when i was 14 and thus he did not bring me up, and similarly we only started exchanging presents around that time.


I love Christmas and everything around it, i tend to go overboard with Christmas Present shopping, even when i was in university i spent a small fortune on Christmas, the rest of my family are the same. I give huge gift bags full of presents (big stuff, little presents, stocking stuffers, etc) and the rest of my family gives around the same level (obviously depending on what they can afford)

My Dad's family however doesn't. When we exchange gift a few days before Christmas (presents aren't opened till Xmas day) It takes me 2 or 3 trips to carry everything to the car for their presents but when i return their presents to me (from dad, stepmum & half-brother) all fit in a small carrier bag. This has been going on for over a decade and it's getting depressing/awkward

They have stated previously, quite happily,  that they don't really care about Christmas shopping and that my Dad goes out one afternoon and does all his Christmas shopping together in a couple of shops, usually buying myself and half-briother the same items. They are certainly not poor, have far more disposable income than me and could afford the presents if they decided to buy them.

I am not money grabbing, it's not the expense or even the amount of gifts, it's mainly the lack of thought/care i get back from them.

This year i am seriously considering reducing the number of presents/the amount i spend on them to be more in line with what i receive. Would this be considered Rude?

[Phoebe]

Not at all.  I'd actually do it because of the time saved in all that extra shopping and wrapping.

[JaneJensen]

Everyone feels differently about Christmas. You should understand their lack of thought/volume/quality/money spent on gifts likely has no reflection on you, but instead is a direct reflection on how they feel about the holiday itself.

I think your idea is fine.. and you could even go them one further and suggest no gifts be exchanged at all and see if they'd rather get together for a meal or other activity.

[Surianne]

Everyone feels differently about Christmas. You should understand their lack of thought/volume/quality/money spent on gifts likely has no reflection on you, but instead is a direct reflection on how they feel about the holiday itself.

I agree. 

Also, reducing your buying might even be a relief for them.  It makes me pretty uncomfortable when someone clearly gives me way more than I give them, but I'm also not willing to increase my own purchasing to match theirs (I really don't enjoy shopping for gifts -- I only do it because it's expected of me and it makes people happy). 

[Shoo]

When people over-gift me or my child, it makes me very uncomfortable.  At my daughter's 6th birthday party, one little girl brought a huge gift bag full of presents, seriously, like 5 different things!  It was very awkward, as everyone else just brought one present.

Perhaps your dad's family would be more comfortable if you gave them gifts more in line with what they are used to, which is to say, one gift each, because that's what it sounds like they are doing for you.

[ixiva]

I don't think it would be rude to reduce your Christmas shopping for them.

The differences between my family and my fiances family when it comes to gift giving are quite similar to the differences between yours and your dads family. My family like to give multiple gifts to each person of varying size/value and that's what we have always done, however my fiances family only give one gift to each person they are buying for. I think it really is based on the importance of the holiday in my situation, in fact my future inlaws don't even put up a tree or really do anything special for Christmas. I have just left his family guide me on gifting for them, and so each year I just get one present for each member of his family and everyone is happy. So i think you are perfectly fine following your dad's example and reducing your gift giving.   

[apple]

In our families (both DH's and mine), Christmas gifts are modest.

This isn't because we don't love Christmas! We just don't emphasize gifts. There are a lot of other aspects to the holiday that we enjoy.

I think it's fine to reduce the number and expense of the gifts you buy; your Dad and his family will probably be more comfortable if you do.

[JoyinVirginia]

Not rude at all, they are probably wondering why you still bring so much

[kudeebee]

This would not be rude at all.  In fact, I am surprised you have been doing this for over a decade and just now deciding to cut back.  After the second year of disparity, most people would get the hint and cut back.  Both family sides do not have to be treated the same.  Pick one gift for them and be done.

[blarg314]

I think it would actually be very polite to scale back your giving to more closely match their style. It can be really uncomfortable to be on the receiving end of material generosity that you can't or don't want to reciprocate - you either feel bad because your gift is much cheaper than what you gave, or you feel forced to spend more money than you want or can afford to to match it.

[Luci45]

I think I remember hearing a story about Lady Diana's first Christmas exchange with the Royal Family. She bought them real gifts whereas their custom was to exchange silly/gag gifts. She was embarrassed and then scaled it down from then on. (I always wondered why Prince Charles hadn't clued her in, but that's another issue.)

[Lynda_34]

My children have been involved with their father's family to different degrees.
My daughter very much, my son not so much.

Tara loves to but and there is an "even" gift exchange between her and her cousins, aunt and uncle.
Stefan, not so much, his cousins are very conservative and he is not.

Several years ago, he picked gifts, wrapped them and sent them with his sister to that family.
They sent him nothing.  He was relieved, said that's it, I don't need to reciprocate any more.  He hasn't and they don't acknowledge him.  Tara on the other had is still involved.

No resentment, just the way situations change over time.
 

[MassachusettsMomx4]

I was like you are twenty years ago.  I tended to like to buy a lot of things for people because I enjoyed the whole shopping aspect.  Over time, I realized that giving too much is too much.  Just because I found shopping stimulating doesn't mean anyone else does. 

If thise inequity in gift giving bothers you, then I would certainly scale it back.  You might also just consider a family gift of some kind to make it easier. 

[Deetee]

I agree with everyone else that you should scale it down already.

It is not nice to be on the recieving end of so much generosity.

[something.new.every.day]

When my family switched to drawing names for our gift exchange, it was great for me (less money to spend) but also difficult as I do love being generous. I solved it by sticking to the one gift, but channeling my generosity into making big platters of cookies and candies or buying a couple special bottles of wine to share.  Maybe that would work for you.