Author Topic: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.  (Read 4861 times)

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kherbert05

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #15 on: November 25, 2011, 09:17:35 PM »
Your DH should tell his brother Sorry Fer and I have previous plans. No more no less no arguing or justifying.
Don't Teach Them For Your Past. Teach Them For Their Future

Shoo

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #16 on: November 25, 2011, 09:20:54 PM »
I agree with all the others.  Keep your plans with your family.  They are long-standing, and meaningful to you.

And if your BIL gets upset?  Then he gets upset.

I absolutely would not ask my family to change their plans.

Danismom

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #17 on: November 25, 2011, 10:55:09 PM »
Yup!  You already have plans. 

Deetee

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #18 on: November 25, 2011, 11:02:43 PM »
What a rare show of complete agreement on ehell. I think that means the OP should ditch the lunch and spend it with her family.

Fer

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #19 on: November 26, 2011, 02:07:06 AM »
LOL - I must admit I'm also quite amazed that everyone is of the same opinion!

I should have mentioned in my OP that not visiting is not an option, because DH wants to see his family for the holidays too.  And despite the holiday hiccups in the past, I do genuinely like BiL and his GF.  (They're not married, but they've been together longer than DH and I, so treated as one would a married couple).

I suspect that part of his controlling "must be done my way" behaviour is due to his upbringing: he was the Golden Child (firstborn AND first son), their sister is Baby of the Family and Only Girl, while my DH is the Poor Unloved Middle Child.  Stereotypes? Yes. True?  Also yes.  DH and BiL have had their difficulties in the past (and I'm often a sounding board for DH to vent about him!), but these days they spend a lot of time together in community and sporting groups they both enjoy.

I spoke to my mum about it this morning, and her advice was to just spend the day with BiL and DH's family - my family will get together either on Christmas Eve (my preference) or Boxing Day.  We'll see my grandmothers on Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, so it'll all work out.  It may be a little spineless taking the path of least resistance, but for long-term family harmony it's for the best (because it won't just be BiL who'll moan if we don't turn up!)   This isn't my hill to die on.. yet.

Family politics are horrible, especially when you get along with them all!

rigs32

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #20 on: November 26, 2011, 12:05:21 PM »
I don't think anyone was telling you not to go, but to go on a timetable that best served both families. To an outsider, your compromise seems like you get the very short end of the stick and you're setting yourselves up for similar expectations going forward.

gramma dishes

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2011, 12:44:40 PM »
I think this may well be one of those "we teach people how to treat us" situations.  Twice already he has demonstrated a complete lack of concern for you and your husband.  My prediction would be that that's not going to change. 

I'd continue the long standing tradition with your family you've always had rather than chase around an ever changing scenario over which you have zero control, not even an opportunity for input.  Just keep in mind that if the proverbial DOES hit the oscillating device, it will occur at his house and he'll be the one who has to clean it up.   :P


Danismom

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #22 on: November 26, 2011, 07:35:36 PM »
I think this may well be one of those "we teach people how to treat us" situations.  Twice already he has demonstrated a complete lack of concern for you and your husband.  My prediction would be that that's not going to change. 

I wondered this as well. BIL and GF have learned that they can dictate whatever they want and the rest of the family will fall in line rather than deal with the hissy fits that might come from standing up.  If you ever want them to respect any other commitments you have, then you and your DH have to decide what your hill to die on will be.  Your family's traditions are just as important as DH's family.  It is completely inappropriate for your DH to basically say that your family's traditions can be ignored in favor of his brother's whims.

Roe

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #23 on: November 27, 2011, 11:29:51 AM »
I don't think anyone was telling you not to go, but to go on a timetable that best served both families. To an outsider, your compromise seems like you get the very short end of the stick and you're setting yourselves up for similar expectations going forward.

The bolded would be my concern.  I'm all for compromise but like a PP mentioned, you've already shown BIL and GF that they can treat you badly and get away with it.  Honestly, I think you are setting yourself up for worse treatment in the future.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #24 on: November 27, 2011, 06:14:58 PM »
I don't think anyone was telling you not to go, but to go on a timetable that best served both families. To an outsider, your compromise seems like you get the very short end of the stick and you're setting yourselves up for similar expectations going forward.
Yes. You and your DH need to develop your own traditions, esp with family dynamic you describe. You see his family all the time, why can't your family take precedence on this holiday?
If you are happy with the plans, then enjoy yourself!

lady_disdain

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Re: Christmas Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma - UPDATE P 19.
« Reply #25 on: November 27, 2011, 09:49:22 PM »
I completely understand that your husband wants to go to his family celebration. Yet you also want to go to yours. So, the two of you, have a stalemate, since neither of you trumps the other.

Could you visit your family during the morning and lunch and go to DH's for dessert and afternoon visiting?

bopper

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #26 on: November 28, 2011, 12:47:46 PM »


I spoke to my mum about it this morning, and her advice was to just spend the day with BiL and DH's family - my family will get together either on Christmas Eve (my preference) or Boxing Day.  We'll see my grandmothers on Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, so it'll all work out.  It may be a little spineless taking the path of least resistance, but for long-term family harmony it's for the best (because it won't just be BiL who'll moan if we don't turn up!)  This isn't my hill to die on.. yet.

On the other hand, there is something to be said for "Start as you mean to go on."  So if you suddenly disagree, they will wonder why when it has been okay so far.  The other thing you don't know is if other Inlaws would rather it be done the same way...if enough of you say "We will be sticking to the usual schedule as we have arranged it to be done that way with my family and have left the evening open for DH's family as we have done every year.  We will be stopping by at about 5:00pm...perhaps we could have dessert later?"

Nuala

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #27 on: November 28, 2011, 01:28:07 PM »
I spoke to my mum about it this morning, and her advice was to just spend the day with BiL and DH's family - my family will get together either on Christmas Eve (my preference) or Boxing Day.  We'll see my grandmothers on Christmas Eve at my aunt's house, so it'll all work out.  It may be a little spineless taking the path of least resistance, but for long-term family harmony it's for the best (because it won't just be BiL who'll moan if we don't turn up!)  This isn't my hill to die on.. yet.

On the other hand, there is something to be said for "Start as you mean to go on."  So if you suddenly disagree, they will wonder why when it has been okay so far.  The other thing you don't know is if other Inlaws would rather it be done the same way...if enough of you say "We will be sticking to the usual schedule as we have arranged it to be done that way with my family and have left the evening open for DH's family as we have done every year.  We will be stopping by at about 5:00pm...perhaps we could have dessert later?"

When DH and I were first together, my mother was also very reasonable and encouraged me to go with DH (then BF) to see his family for Christmas.  It set a terrible precedent, as DH and his family expected that we would visit them for every holiday and every vacation. 

On our son's first Thanksgiving, SIL pitched a fit because we would be spending Christmas with my family for a change. 

"SIL, we're here now, and we spent last Christmas with you." 
"But you didn't have the baby then!  We want to have Christmas with him!"
"Um, don't you think my family wants to see him, too?"

It took several more years before I could convince DH that we all deserved Christmas at home.  His family was always invited but never came.  My parents made the pilgrimage every year.

Honestly, I wish my mother hadn't been so nice and that I had been a little more "selfish" earlier on. 


gramma dishes

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #28 on: November 28, 2011, 01:59:51 PM »


Honestly, I wish my mother hadn't been so nice and that I had been a little more "selfish" earlier on.

Hmmmm .... that's certainly interesting food for thought. 

I've always told all my kids (all married) that they could feel absolutely free to spend holidays wherever they wished.  We'd be happy to have them, but our feelings certainly wouldn't be hurt if they wanted/needed to go to their "other" parents house for Thanksgiving or Christmas.   We'd be happy to see them whenever it was convenient for them, even if it was nowhere near any major holiday.

I'm wondering now if that was the right attitude?

Nuala

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Re: Christmas - the Lunchtime Visiting Dilemma (long and possibly confusing)
« Reply #29 on: November 28, 2011, 05:48:08 PM »


Honestly, I wish my mother hadn't been so nice and that I had been a little more "selfish" earlier on.

Hmmmm .... that's certainly interesting food for thought. 

I've always told all my kids (all married) that they could feel absolutely free to spend holidays wherever they wished.  We'd be happy to have them, but our feelings certainly wouldn't be hurt if they wanted/needed to go to their "other" parents house for Thanksgiving or Christmas.   We'd be happy to see them whenever it was convenient for them, even if it was nowhere near any major holiday.

I'm wondering now if that was the right attitude?

It seems to work when all parties are like-minded, rather than in competition.

DD and her SO make sure that they get time with each of their families, and we parents work hard not to count the minutes the kids spend with the other families. 

I think it's also important to keep the lines of communication open, so that if things started to get out of whack, we'd feel free (and safe) to discuss it.

Of course, this is easy for me to say now, as the kids don't have to travel far to see us.  We'll see what happens if anybody moves away or if grandchildren enter the equation!