Author Topic: How to tell him he insulted me...  (Read 4852 times)

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Mental Magpie

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How to tell him he insulted me...
« on: November 25, 2011, 10:43:45 PM »
First, I am not certain that I am not taking this too personally, but I really don't think I am.
Second, I wear these particular shoes, Dark Sister does, too, as does Dark Mother.  These shoes give a very distinct tan line.

I didn't know that the manufacturer's webpage had all sorts of pictures of people wearing said shoes and showing off their tan lines, but had just discovered this the other day with Dark Sister.  Dark Sister and I like to joke about our tan lines, especially because they make my initials  ;D  I was excited about finding the page mostly because I thought it was really cool, so I shared with Dark Boyfriend.

Dark Boyfriend looked at a few, shook his head, and said, "That's disgusting."  I was totally taken by surprise by that statement and replied, "Why?" 

His response was, "I think tan lines are gross and I don't like those shoes."

This is the first time I have ever heard him say a) he hates tan lines and b) he hates my shoes...the shoes I wear 300 days out of the year and the tan lines I joke about all of the time.

I was too taken aback to reply, but I am hurt by the insult.  How do I tell him how rude I thought it was, too, to tell me what I wear/have is disgusting rather than just saying he isn't a fan?

FWIW, I've known him for 12 years and we've been dating for over 2.
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Iris

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #1 on: November 25, 2011, 10:59:32 PM »
Whoa! I'm a bit taken aback and I don't even know the guy. Also tan lines are gross? Excuse me? It's skin changing colour. What could possibly be "gross" about that? Anyway, minirant over. I'm assuming that Dark Boyfriend is not normally a colossal donkey's behind and that this kind of thing is out of character.

Of course the issue isn't that he doesn't like your shoes, it's that he used the words "disgusting" and "gross" to describe something that you clearly consider part of your identity and have joked about with him, and naturally that feels like a personal attack. It probably isn't though. If this type of behaviour was typical I would be advising you to run for the hills, but since it isn't it's possible he was just having a really bad day and lashed out at something without even thinking and your feelings were collateral damage, so to speak.

Obviously that's not cool but I would wait until you feel calm to bring this up. I would then explain to him, calmly and rationally, how his word made you feel, that you don't like feeling like that, and that you *really* don't like that he was the one to make you feel like that. Try and be non-accusatory because he probably is just that clueless. Then see how he handles it and take it from there. If he's anything like my DH he's quite capable of saying "Not YOUR tan lines, of course I didn't mean YOUR tan lines. How could you think that? Your tan lines are cute!" and sincerely meaning it. ::)

If it happens again you could just say "You realise I do that?" at the time.
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Mental Magpie

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #2 on: November 25, 2011, 11:19:03 PM »
He's only ever done something like this one other time that I can remember in which he said, "Oh, so we're going trash today?" because he thought the characters in the show of the TV I was about to put on were all trash.  I promptly put the shirt down and grabbed another one.  He asked me why I wasn't going to wear it and I told him that he had just in effect told me I looked like trash.  He didn't see it that way at all.  When this recent one happened, I at first tried to think of it how maybe he saw it, like he did with the shirt.  This is totally different, though.  With the shirt, he was saying that the characters in the show were trash.  With those shoes and tan lines, he was saying he didn't like the shoes or the tan lines, both of which I have...and this is the first time in 2 years I've ever heard him mention it. 

So no, he doesn't act like this often.  I think the problem is that he doesn't stop to think about how what he's about to say is going to come across to other people.  However, I don't see the disconnect between the two like I did with the shirt.  The shirt said nothing about me more than I like the show; the shoes and tan lines say that what I have/wear makes me something he doesn't like.
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SiotehCat

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #3 on: November 25, 2011, 11:22:36 PM »
Maybe he has wanted to tell you how he feels about the shoes and tan lines before, but he never found the right time.

I don't think he can help how he feels about these things. Would you have just preferred he not tell you?

Iris

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2011, 11:34:59 PM »
Maybe he has wanted to tell you how he feels about the shoes and tan lines before, but he never found the right time.

I don't think he can help how he feels about these things. Would you have just preferred he not tell you?

Speaking for myself, yes, I would prefer he not tell me than tell me rudely. Naturally partners are allowed to not like things their SOs wear/have but if he's been waiting 2 YEARS for the right time then he is the worst right time picker ever.

He could so easily have said "I'm not really a fan" rather than "That's disgusting." He is entitled to his opinion and entitled to express it. He's NOT entitled to make DM feel hurt.

My DH has a pair of shoes that I hate and he loves. When he ASKED me what I thought of them I said "Oh, well, they're not really my style" and changed the topic. Otherwise I really would never have told him. It's not up to me to dictate his fashion choices.
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Mental Magpie

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #5 on: November 25, 2011, 11:38:00 PM »
Maybe he has wanted to tell you how he feels about the shoes and tan lines before, but he never found the right time.

I don't think he can help how he feels about these things. Would you have just preferred he not tell you?

He has had no problem telling me he does not like sandals with long pants (which I wear) or other things I have worn (as in, "I don't think that looks good together" which I am absolutely fine with him telling me) so I do not think that's it.  Over 2 years of me wearing those shoes and talking about my tan lines doesn't really give credence to the argument that he never found the right time...I could see if I had just started to do it, but this is a long standing thing of mine so 2 years is a lot of time to find the right time.

I don't think he can help it either: we (general) like what we like and can't always help it.  I have no idea why my favorite color is green, but it is.  I would prefer he would have told me from the get go, or at least have told me without being insulting.  I think that's another reason I am hurt: I am just finding this out now after over 2 years of it, ya know?  It's like I've been going along thinking everything was hunky-dory and BOOM! apparently he's hated it all along...
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Twik

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #6 on: November 26, 2011, 01:12:31 AM »
First of all, shoes and tan lines?  ??? I'm not quite making the connection.

Second, and more to the point, did Dark Boyfriend actually make the connection between the shoes, the tanlines and you? Because I could imagine someone saying that without noticing that you wore those shoes, or had tan lines.
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shhh its me

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #7 on: November 26, 2011, 01:27:56 AM »
   Since he's is averaging saying one really stupid thing a year , I'd let it go or be gentel about " You hurt my feeling when you said......."  He really may be feeling "meh, I love her and feel completely neutral about her shoes and tan lines"  but feel " EWWW gross" about other peoples tan line and shoes. 

Amava

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #8 on: November 26, 2011, 01:35:44 AM »
the shoes and tan lines say that what I have/wear makes me something he doesn't like.
Well, no. It says that something you have/wear is a little detail he does not like. It does not say it makes *you* something he doesn't like. You are not a tanline, nor a shoe. What you wear on your feet or the fact that your feet have tanlines, doesn't define you as a person. It's just one little thing about you that he does not like.

It's probably not a big deal to him at all. He didn't see it worth mentioning before because it's just a little thing and it doesn't bother him much, he only said something about it because you directly brought his attention to it and sort of opened the door for his opinion by linking him to the website.

But I do agree he could be a little bit more tactful about it. And yes if such bluntness hurts your feelings you should say something to him about it.


hobish

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #9 on: November 26, 2011, 04:25:36 AM »
Maybe he has wanted to tell you how he feels about the shoes and tan lines before, but he never found the right time.

I don't think he can help how he feels about these things. Would you have just preferred he not tell you?

Right? Better he says it. And you can say, "They're my feet. I like these shoes," and go on liking them.


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Steve

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #10 on: November 26, 2011, 04:49:58 AM »
I am sure he has some attributes you do not like, but that do not affect your love for him.

And over time, I am sure it's just these attributes and things that become so familiar and loved.
He will come to associate those shoes and that particular tanline with you... and no matter how he dislikes it, it will eventually bring a smile to his face, because it reminds him of you.



RandomAngel

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #11 on: November 26, 2011, 08:28:34 AM »
   Since he's is averaging saying one really stupid thing a year , I'd let it go or be gentel about " You hurt my feeling when you said......."  He really may be feeling "meh, I love her and feel completely neutral about her shoes and tan lines"  but feel " EWWW gross" about other peoples tan line and shoes.


I agree with this--especially the last part. Honestly, I don't have any particular problem with tan lines, specific shoes, or feet in general, but if confronted with a bunch of photos of strangers' distinctively-tanned feet I'd recoil. Seeing an individual remove their shoes to reveal the same tan lines in person, however, wouldn't even make it onto my radar.

I'd take the fact that he's never said anything about your shoes or tan-lines at face value, honestly. A lot of people have things that bug them in the abstract, or when major attention is called to them, that don't ruffle them in day-to-day life.

Sharnita

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #12 on: November 26, 2011, 08:31:26 AM »
   Since he's is averaging saying one really stupid thing a year , I'd let it go or be gentel about " You hurt my feeling when you said......."  He really may be feeling "meh, I love her and feel completely neutral about her shoes and tan lines"  but feel " EWWW gross" about other peoples tan line and shoes.


I agree with this--especially the last part. Honestly, I don't have any particular problem with tan lines, specific shoes, or feet in general, but if confronted with a bunch of photos of strangers' distinctively-tanned feet I'd recoil. Seeing an individual remove their shoes to reveal the same tan lines in person, however, wouldn't even make it onto my radar.

I'd take the fact that he's never said anything about your shoes or tan-lines at face value, honestly. A lot of people have things that bug them in the abstract, or when major attention is called to them, that don't ruffle them in day-to-day life.

I agree

sparksals

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #13 on: November 26, 2011, 01:26:11 PM »
I don't think this is an etiquette issue, but one of relationships.   Sure, there is a polite way to tell your SO he hurt your feelings, but if your feelings are hurt, you have an obligation to communicate that to him.  If you feel you can't, then it is a signal either the relationship is not working out or communication needs to be improved.  It's not a great idea to get off into a newer relationship being afraid to express feeling insulted by something he says or does, hence the relationship aspect of the situation. 

Mental Magpie

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #14 on: November 26, 2011, 07:53:10 PM »
Twik: http://www.chacos.com/US/en/Chacosphere-Photos  That is the exact link I showed him.  I guess I should call them sandals, not shoes, but they way I wear them (as in to hike and even in the winter) they seem to be more shoes to me.  I've also been wearing these shoes for over 2 years and I prefaced showing him the webpage about my and my sister's tan lines; I don't know how he could miss that I wear them.  However, I can see him not making the connection between my shoes and tan lines being disgusting versus others' being disgusting. 

Amava:  I tried thinking of it that way, but I still can't see it.  For example, he may think orange shirts are hideous (he doesn't) and make everyone look bad thus if I wear orange shirts all of the time, I look bad.  If he had simply said, "I just don't like the way they look" I wouldn't be posting here.  He said they were disgusting which is a much heavier word than not liking something; I think that's why I am seeing it my way.  In any case, you're right, he could have said it in a much more tactful way.

hobish:  Absolutely.  He doesn't like sandals with long jeans...but I still wear them.  He told me that tactfully and without using harsh words. 

RandomAngel:  I prefaced what I was about to shoe him; he could have easily said, "No, I'd rather not."  I didn't blindside him with it.  I've also talked about my tan lines (and laughed about them), so they were more than once brought to attention where he could have said he didn't like them.

sparksals:  I wouldn't say 2 years is a newer relationship.  I also never said I feel I can't express it to him, I'm asking how to best word it because I'm not sure the best way to approach it.  The relationship is working just fine and our communication is usually good, too.  Like someone else said, he averages about 1 stupid thing a year and this is his quota for this year.  Because I am so taken aback by it because a) I'm not used to it and b) because I was insulted by it, I need help figuring out how to word it.
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