Author Topic: How to tell him he insulted me...  (Read 5329 times)

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SamiHami

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #15 on: November 26, 2011, 08:35:43 PM »
I don't really have any advice to give you, but I love those sandals! I've never heard of them before. I bookmarked their website for future reference. (Can't justify new sandals for awhile as I have a lot of money tied up in my Dansko collection-including several pairs of sandals. DH would have a heart attack if I told him I was interested in another expensive shoe brand... :P)

What have you got? Is it food? Is it for me? I want it whatever it is!

penelope2017

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #16 on: November 26, 2011, 08:39:42 PM »
I generally find that page of photos somewhat gross. If I was in a relationship with someone I might find their own tan lines and their choice of sandals mildly interesting/amusing, but a bunch of strangers? Nope. And it sort of puts someone on the spot when you say, let's look at a bunch of people's feet and sandals because I find it interesting/fun/amusing. How did you expect him to say no?

This is not insulting to you. It's that he isn't into these sandals or the respective tan lines of everyone who wears them as much as you and your family seem to be.

weeblewobble

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #17 on: November 26, 2011, 09:36:34 PM »
I think your boyfriend tends to use vehemence and definitive language to express himself and needs to learn to temper his opinions.

Also, I really like the blog.  What a cool way to brand your shoes, encouraging your customers to demonstrate the active lifestyle they enjoy while wearing them!

sparksals

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #18 on: November 26, 2011, 09:55:31 PM »
Twik: http://www.chacos.com/US/en/Chacosphere-Photos  That is the exact link I showed him.  I guess I should call them sandals, not shoes, but they way I wear them (as in to hike and even in the winter) they seem to be more shoes to me.  I've also been wearing these shoes for over 2 years and I prefaced showing him the webpage about my and my sister's tan lines; I don't know how he could miss that I wear them.  However, I can see him not making the connection between my shoes and tan lines being disgusting versus others' being disgusting. 

Amava:  I tried thinking of it that way, but I still can't see it.  For example, he may think orange shirts are hideous (he doesn't) and make everyone look bad thus if I wear orange shirts all of the time, I look bad.  If he had simply said, "I just don't like the way they look" I wouldn't be posting here.  He said they were disgusting which is a much heavier word than not liking something; I think that's why I am seeing it my way.  In any case, you're right, he could have said it in a much more tactful way.

hobish:  Absolutely.  He doesn't like sandals with long jeans...but I still wear them.  He told me that tactfully and without using harsh words. 

RandomAngel:  I prefaced what I was about to shoe him; he could have easily said, "No, I'd rather not."  I didn't blindside him with it.  I've also talked about my tan lines (and laughed about them), so they were more than once brought to attention where he could have said he didn't like them.

sparksals:  I wouldn't say 2 years is a newer relationship.  I also never said I feel I can't express it to him, I'm asking how to best word it because I'm not sure the best way to approach it.  The relationship is working just fine and our communication is usually good, too.  Like someone else said, he averages about 1 stupid thing a year and this is his quota for this year.  Because I am so taken aback by it because a) I'm not used to it and b) because I was insulted by it, I need help figuring out how to word it.

Well then, I have to think if you have been together that long, wording something like he hurt your feelings shouldn't be an issue.  JHMO.   You simply say, "My feelings were hurt when you said tan lines were gross". 

padua

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #19 on: November 26, 2011, 09:59:37 PM »
I generally find that page of photos somewhat gross. If I was in a relationship with someone I might find their own tan lines and their choice of sandals mildly interesting/amusing, but a bunch of strangers? Nope. And it sort of puts someone on the spot when you say, let's look at a bunch of people's feet and sandals because I find it interesting/fun/amusing. How did you expect him to say no?

This is not insulting to you. It's that he isn't into these sandals or the respective tan lines of everyone who wears them as much as you and your family seem to be.

i agree. that was my reaction when i saw the page. he said 'that's disgusting,' not you're disgusting- i'm not a fan of feet, and i'm not a fan of shoes that show off feet. i agree the wording wasn't the best, but i might have a similar reaction if someone showed me such a page. i would be more discreet about it, however.

Mental Magpie

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #20 on: November 26, 2011, 10:52:46 PM »
I generally find that page of photos somewhat gross. If I was in a relationship with someone I might find their own tan lines and their choice of sandals mildly interesting/amusing, but a bunch of strangers? Nope. And it sort of puts someone on the spot when you say, let's look at a bunch of people's feet and sandals because I find it interesting/fun/amusing. How did you expect him to say no?

This is not insulting to you. It's that he isn't into these sandals or the respective tan lines of everyone who wears them as much as you and your family seem to be.

I can see where you'd find someone you know's being mildly amusing and not a bunch of strangers, but I expect him to say no by saying no.  I told him what I was about to show him BEFORE I handed him my laptop.  All he had to say was, "I'd rather not, it doesn't interest me like it does you."  I didn't accost him with the images nor tried to show someone that doesn't know me well and feels awkward saying no to me.

I don't really have any advice to give you, but I love those sandals! I've never heard of them before. I bookmarked their website for future reference. (Can't justify new sandals for awhile as I have a lot of money tied up in my Dansko collection-including several pairs of sandals. DH would have a heart attack if I told him I was interested in another expensive shoe brand... :P)
My advice is to find out what size fits you and to buy them on e-bay or Amazon; you will find them for much cheaper.  They're also very durable; I've had this same pair for over 2 years and they're not even close to being worn. 

<snip>

sparksals:  I wouldn't say 2 years is a newer relationship.  I also never said I feel I can't express it to him, I'm asking how to best word it because I'm not sure the best way to approach it.  The relationship is working just fine and our communication is usually good, too.  Like someone else said, he averages about 1 stupid thing a year and this is his quota for this year.  Because I am so taken aback by it because a) I'm not used to it and b) because I was insulted by it, I need help figuring out how to word it.

Well then, I have to think if you have been together that long, wording something like he hurt your feelings shouldn't be an issue.  JHMO.   You simply say, "My feelings were hurt when you said tan lines were gross". 

I have trouble expressing things when they hurt my feelings.  If something annoys me, no big deal, I can easily ask him to stop doing it.  When my feelings are hurt, I have a tendency to use sarcasm and ineffective means to say as much.  It IS an issue because he doesn't often do it so I don't have practice.  I came to get advice to say something politely rather than to say it how I usually would, which ultimately is ineffective.  It may be just your opinion, but I find it condescending whether that was the intention or not. 

I generally find that page of photos somewhat gross. If I was in a relationship with someone I might find their own tan lines and their choice of sandals mildly interesting/amusing, but a bunch of strangers? Nope. And it sort of puts someone on the spot when you say, let's look at a bunch of people's feet and sandals because I find it interesting/fun/amusing. How did you expect him to say no?

This is not insulting to you. It's that he isn't into these sandals or the respective tan lines of everyone who wears them as much as you and your family seem to be.

i agree. that was my reaction when i saw the page. he said 'that's disgusting,' not you're disgusting- i'm not a fan of feet, and i'm not a fan of shoes that show off feet. i agree the wording wasn't the best, but i might have a similar reaction if someone showed me such a page. i would be more discreet about it, however.

It's insulting to me, I feel, because what I do/have to him is disgusting.  I don't see how that's not insulting (the way he said it, not that he thinks it).  I really am not being snarky in asking this, but please explain to me better how there is a disconnect between the two?  If I was on that page and he didn't know me, it would be disgusting to him.  I don't get it.  He doesn't have to be interested in them like we are, but after having those things for 2 years and he suddenly tells me they're disgusting is at the very least disconcerting.  All he had to say is, "I'm not interested" or "I don't find it as amusing as you do."  Instead, he used a blanket statement that included me.
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wheeitsme

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #21 on: November 26, 2011, 11:04:34 PM »
I wore sandels all summer that gave me a distinct tan line.  I looked at my feet and thought "that's kind of cool".  I looked at your link that had a page o'feet and didn't like them that much.  Some of the pictures I even thought were gross. 

I think that there is very often a disconnect between what we see about ourselves and our loved ones and what we see about strangers.  I don't know why there is, I've just noticed that generally, there is. 

penelope2017

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #22 on: November 26, 2011, 11:09:09 PM »
Aren't there things you have much more of a tolerance of with your SO than the general public?

I think that's why they are your SO's. If I say "generally" I find creamed herring gross, which I do, I'm not insulting my husband, who loves it. If I say I find car racing boring generally, that doesn't mean I don't know who won the last several years' Nascar championships.

He didn't see he finds your tan lines gross. He said it in reaction to see a bunch of strangers' feet tan lines. A lot of people are generally grossed out by feet in general. I personally find that photo page weird and gross. If it was my husband, I wouldn't say it/ think it (probably). Maybe he didn't say no to seeing it because he didn't realize that would be his reaction. I understand your feelings are hurt, but this isn't an intrinsic part of your personal philosophy, faith, religion etc.

I don't know, I'd just let it go. It's tan lines. It's footwear. There's a difference between this being a casual part of you, his SO, than making him look at a whole bunch of photos focusing on stranger's feet tan lines. Is this really that important?

Ginya

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #23 on: November 26, 2011, 11:15:00 PM »
snip...
It's insulting to me, I feel, because what I do/have to him is disgusting.  I don't see how that's not insulting (the way he said it, not that he thinks it).  I really am not being snarky in asking this, but please explain to me better how there is a disconnect between the two?  If I was on that page and he didn't know me, it would be disgusting to him.  I don't get it.  He doesn't have to be interested in them like we are, but after having those things for 2 years and he suddenly tells me they're disgusting is at the very least disconcerting.  All he had to say is, "I'm not interested" or "I don't find it as amusing as you do."  Instead, he used a blanket statement that included me.

Here's a good example, my sister and my mum both love these ankle boots that are loose around the leg. I think they are frumpy looking and I generally have a distaste for them. That being said I don't think of my mother or sister as being frumpy at all, sometimes I even like the outfits they wear, boots included. It is simply something they wear, and because I do love them both, my opinion of the boots are neutralized when they wear them. If my sister showed me a site with nothing but people wearing them and close ups I'd probably say something along the same lines as your bf, hopefully with more tact.

Like Wheeitsme said, there is a disconnect when someone we love wears something and when strangers wear the exact same thing.

shhh its me

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #24 on: November 26, 2011, 11:21:25 PM »
Quote
It's insulting to me, I feel, because what I do/have to him is disgusting.  I don't see how that's not insulting (the way he said it, not that he thinks it).  I really am not being snarky in asking this, but please explain to me better how there is a disconnect between the two?  If I was on that page and he didn't know me, it would be disgusting to him.  I don't get it.  He doesn't have to be interested in them like we are, but after having those things for 2 years and he suddenly tells me they're disgusting is at the very least disconcerting.  All he had to say is, "I'm not interested" or "I don't find it as amusing as you do."  Instead, he used a blanket statement that included me. 


OK this is gross but it's sort of like baby poop , poop is gross but we get over it and change our children's diapers.

My husband's nose was badly broken many years ago. I don't care I love him and think he's very handsome but if you showed me pictures of only noses I would never have picked his nose and an attractive nose.  Your feet are a small detail of the total person he cares for, photos of random people' feet are objects he has no attachment to. Yes it's likely if he did;t know you and saw only your feet he might say "eww", without you your feet are not a person and unless he has a foot fetish feet/shoes are probally pretty low on his list of priorities , you could probably have a corn/wart wonky toe and he wouldn't care.  I also believe it's likely if you dissected him there would be some feature on it's own that you would not select but it's really is a case of the whole is greater then the total of the parts.

That doesn't mean I don't understand why your hurt/insulted  say it exactly like you did here " My feelings are hurt . I have tan lines and wear those shoes , when you said tan lines are disgusting I am hearing you think my feet are disgusting"

Mental Magpie

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Re: How to tell him he insulted me...
« Reply #25 on: November 27, 2011, 12:00:35 AM »
Quote
It's insulting to me, I feel, because what I do/have to him is disgusting.  I don't see how that's not insulting (the way he said it, not that he thinks it).  I really am not being snarky in asking this, but please explain to me better how there is a disconnect between the two?  If I was on that page and he didn't know me, it would be disgusting to him.  I don't get it.  He doesn't have to be interested in them like we are, but after having those things for 2 years and he suddenly tells me they're disgusting is at the very least disconcerting.  All he had to say is, "I'm not interested" or "I don't find it as amusing as you do."  Instead, he used a blanket statement that included me. 


OK this is gross but it's sort of like baby poop , poop is gross but we get over it and change our children's diapers.

My husband's nose was badly broken many years ago. I don't care I love him and think he's very handsome but if you showed me pictures of only noses I would never have picked his nose and an attractive nose.  Your feet are a small detail of the total person he cares for, photos of random people' feet are objects he has no attachment to. Yes it's likely if he did;t know you and saw only your feet he might say "eww", without you your feet are not a person and unless he has a foot fetish feet/shoes are probally pretty low on his list of priorities , you could probably have a corn/wart wonky toe and he wouldn't care.  I also believe it's likely if you dissected him there would be some feature on it's own that you would not select but it's really is a case of the whole is greater then the total of the parts.

That doesn't mean I don't understand why your hurt/insulted  say it exactly like you did here " My feelings are hurt . I have tan lines and wear those shoes , when you said tan lines are disgusting I am hearing you think my feet are disgusting"

This is exactly what I needed: both the explanation and how to say it.  Thank you.  The way you're telling me to say it gets across that he just needs to word things better, which is what I really think is the crux of it.  I really don't care that he doesn't like them, it's just how he said it.  He doesn't like sandals with long pants, and I wear mine all of the time anyway :D

I didn't see it that way, and now that I look back, people were saying exactly what you were.  For whatever the reason, your explanation got it across to me.  (Honestly, I think it was the poo that helped me to understand, but they may be because poo makes me giggle).

Thanks, everyone, for trying to get it across to me.  I know it took me a bit, but I just didn't get it.  (Sometimes I think I'm like Bones: I see something as straightforwardly rational). 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.