Learning to set rules Update #17

[kckgirl]

DH is ready to kick Eric out over all of it


Danismom, I think that you should let him do this.  Guys have a different way of viewing things sometimes.  If DH is that fed up perhaps you should just let him deal with it.  It will be much less stress and work for you in the long term.

If things get even worse after you let Eric stay your husband may blame you for his continued presence.  If DH will actually get rid of him now - count your blessings.

I agree with the others. If Eric and Tammy are both working, and paying nothing for Tammy and Dane to stay with Grandma, they should have plenty of money to find their own place, even if Tammy and Dane stay with Grandma and move at the end of the school year. They'll also have a place to stay when Tammy and Dane visit Eric during school vacations.

Let DH push him out of the nest to fly on his own. You need to do it before he and Tammy up their expenses to meet their current income without paying for housing. If they get too comfortable with a two-income-no-expenses lifestyle, they'll keep imposing and expect a free ride. After all, isn't that easier for them?

[still in va]

DH is ready to kick Eric out over all of it


Danismom, I think that you should let him do this.  Guys have a different way of viewing things sometimes.  If DH is that fed up perhaps you should just let him deal with it.  It will be much less stress and work for you in the long term.

If things get even worse after you let Eric stay your husband may blame you for his continued presence.  If DH will actually get rid of him now - count your blessings.

I agree with the others. If Eric and Tammy are both working, and paying nothing for Tammy and Dane to stay with Grandma, they should have plenty of money to find their own place, even if Tammy and Dane stay with Grandma and move at the end of the school year. They'll also have a place to stay when Tammy and Dane visit Eric during school vacations.

Let DH push him out of the nest to fly on his own. You need to do it before he and Tammy up their expenses to meet their current income without paying for housing. If they get too comfortable with a two-income-no-expenses lifestyle, they'll keep imposing and expect a free ride. After all, isn't that easier for them?

i think that since Eric is Danisdad's friend, and Danisdad has already said that he wants Eric out, Danismom should support him in that decision.  i'll bet $5 that after Danisdad's mom graciously rearranged things and invited Eric's family for Thanksgiving dinner, that Eric and Tammy sat on their butts at mom's house.  they never offered to help, they never paid attention to their kid, and they really enjoyed their free meal.  so in essence, in one week-end, Danisdad watched his wife AND his mother being treated as the paid help.  he's done.  good for him.

i know PPs said that Danisdad should sit Eric down and explain how things need to be.  i don't see a point to that.  Eric is used to being taken care of completely from living with his MIL.  he never has to lift a finger, nor does Tammy.  MIL cooks, cleans, and raises Dane.  Eric and Tammy are used to having someone else attend to all of their needs.  that's not going to change, until the change is forced. 

the Danis are not taking Eric and Tammy to raise.  Eric needs to be informed that it is time for him to find his own place.  he's used to living with his MIL for free; there is no reason to expect that with the nominal amount of rent he is giving the Danis that he'll suddenly grow up and be responsible.  heck, for all we know, in his mind (and Tammy's) that nominal amount of rent basically entitles him to full catering and maid service as one would find in a hotel. 

this isn't going to get better.  in fact, it has the potential to get a lot worse.  can't wait until Christmas at the Danis if Eric, Tammy, and Dane are in residence.  after all, they "can't afford to give Dane a good Christmas."  wouldn't surprise me in the least if, in addition to expecting the Danis to cook for Dane, babysit Dane, and cater to their every whim, they aren't expected to buy Dane gifts to compensate for the fact that Eric and Tammy can't afford said good Christmas. 

Danismom, listen to your husband.  support him in his decision to ask Eric to leave.  you did the best you could.  you tried.  you unfortunately took a gimmepig into your home, not an adult.  cut him loose.  now.

cut it off now.  Danisdad needs to let Eric know that he needs to be out in the next 6 weeks.  and that Tammy and Dane will NOT be coming to their house for Dane's Christmas break. 

[Danismom]

I appreciate everyone's encouragement to get Eric out.  Honestly, I've been poo-pooing DH's desire to get him out because while the money he gives us is less than half of what an apartment costs in our area, it does help us make ends meet.  DH says the money isn't worth the stress, and I know he's right.  The problem is that I'm the one that also stress out over our finances.  I like that the last month or two I haven't had to worry or touch savings.  Its been nice!  We've cut back in a lot of ways and now I don't know where else we could cut to find the money that Eric contributes. 

I need to sit down and really look at our budget again to find a way to make this work.  After all, even if Eric stays through the spring we need to be ready for him to leave in May.  Truthfully, I've been looking for a new job and DH is very supportive.  I was just kind of coasting with Eric until the new job comes through and we move for it or until Spring, whichever comes first.  Eric stresses me a little but its tolerable most of the time.  When Tammy and Dane come to visit, well, you guys have already heard that horror story.

By the way, little update:
Tammy and Dane left today to make the long drive home.  DH, kids, and I were in the playroom.  Dane came in at Tammy's prompting and said goodbye to everyone.  He gave everyone a hug.  Then Tammy, Dane, and Eric left.  I think they went to brunch since it was around 10:30a.m.  There wasn't even a "thank you for letting us stay".  Oh, and Eric commented when he got home that they stopped at Walmart before Tammy left.  Tammy is notoriously bad at directions and gets lost in a heartbeat.  So... They picked up a GPS for her in addition to the 42" TV they bought on Black Friday.  Yes, I think they can afford more now.  Tammy did hint around a lot before they left about not being able to afford it when they move until she finds a job.  Dane told DD that "Don't worry.  I'm going to stay here while we find a new house when we move.  I promise."  Tammy only got onto him for making promises.  I didn't want to get into it with a child over the subject as he's only going either on his own flawed logic or what he's been told. 

For however long Eric stays here, you can bet the answer will be "I'm afraid that's not possible" if Eric asks for Tammy or Tammy and Dane to visit again.

[buvezdevin]

Okay, with the additional information, I can understand wanting to find a way to make it work for all - but I would still suggest having a discussion with Eric soon to proactively clarify that having his family visit or stay agin is not possible.  You were caught off guard with a pretty much last minute request for this visit, do *everyone* a favor by preventing last minute requests/drama/inconvenience in future, and particularly with Christmas approaching.  And, probably best to have that talk with Eric in conjunction with discussing the minimal expectations for his household chores, all after making sure you and your DH are on the same page regarding Eric, finances, and family harmony.

[still in va]

Okay, with the additional information, I can understand wanting to find a way to make it work for all - but I would still suggest having a discussion with Eric soon to proactively clarify that having his family visit or stay agin is not possible.  You were caught off guard with a pretty much last minute request for this visit, do *everyone* a favor by preventing last minute requests/drama/inconvenience in future, and particularly with Christmas approaching.  And, probably best to have that talk with Eric in conjunction with discussing the minimal expectations for his household chores, all after making sure you and your DH are on the same page regarding Eric, finances, and family harmony.

agree with all of this.  i didn't realize that the nominal rent that Eric was paying was needed for the family budget.  i would be interested to know if the increase in all utilities, plus extra food for Tammy and Dane for the week, is worth the aggrevation, or would even be covered by Eric's rent payments. 

i agree that Eric needs to be told, as soon as possible, that Tammy and Dane will no longer be staying for holidays and school breaks.  it sounds like, from the update, that Tammy is already expecting that she will be moving in when she moves to the new town.  she needs to know, NOW, that won't be possible.  if it means she needs to return the large TV she bought on the way home, so be it.

[Lindee]

I agree you need to talk to Eric as I fear that now the precedent has been set you'll be lucky if he asks that they can stay for the next holidays and will just assume that it is happening and you'll hear about it only as they are on their way.  They are clearly planning on staying with you while they find a new place next year and who knows how long that will take, especially with a full maid and babysitting service being provided.

[oz diva]

When you do kick him out, I'd advise changing the locks.

[bopper]

the problem, I think, is that Eric is not really a guest and not really a lodger.  He is getting the best of both worlds.
He is not paying his way completely, but isn't trying to move out or help out.  Also I think he has got the mindset of "Cool! I have money to spend since I am not spending on rent" rather than "Must save Must save".

Perhaps your DH could say "When I heard you bought a new 42" TV, that made me wonder if you staying with us was to save up money for your own place. Seems like you are happy with 1/2 price rent for you and the rest of your family staying with your ILs and are no longer saving. We wanted to help you while you were transitioning but this can't be a permanent solution. I think best if you start looking for a place so you can be out by January."

[lkdrymom]

Are you sure this guy is saving his money. My friend and her DH lived with his parents for the first 2.5  years of their marriage because they got themselves in deep in credit card debt. If they lived there rent free they could pay off their debt....never happened. Dinners out, nice vacations added up.

[Bijou]

But if he is only paying nominal rent, how could he be helping you out?  You have to have more expenses in food and utilities since he is there and you are providing for his needs.  I don't understand how his being there can be a financial help and not a hindrance.