Author Topic: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?  (Read 7553 times)

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Reason

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Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« on: November 28, 2011, 01:16:17 PM »
My wife decided to cut her hair. She normally wears it very long, slightly past the small of her back.

She came to me and asked me how much she should take off. I told her that it's her head and she is free to do with it as she pleases. She insisted on a number that would not upset me, 6", 10" etc? I thought that was very considerate of her, so I said that I prefer long hair as she well knows, and if she is asking for my input I would rather she just trim it rather than drastically altering her appearance.

She agreed and took off, but when she came back from the hairdresser she wound up cutting her hair quite a bit shorter.

So, my question is, why would you even ask a person for their input if you are planning on completely ignoring it while insisting that said input is of paramount importance to you?

Judah

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #1 on: November 28, 2011, 01:24:11 PM »
I have asked my husband the same question and then did what I wanted.  It's not that I don't care about his opinion, and I do  take it into account, but when it comes right down to it, I'm going to do what I want with my hair.  But I do take his opinion into consideration, even when I don't do what he prefers.  His opinion is a factor in my final decision, but my opinion means more because it's my hair.

So, my answer would be, "no", it's not rude to ask someone's opinion even when it seems that I disregarded it.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #2 on: November 28, 2011, 02:10:17 PM »
Well I think a big issue here is "long" and "short" and "quite a bit" are very vague, subjective answers.  She asked you for a number.  You did not give a number.  In the world of hair dressing anything longer then shoulder length (even if shorter then say the collar bone or arm pit) is still considered "long" hair.  So so could go from small of back to arm pit length and still have what 99% of people would call "long" hair despite cutting off over 12 inches.

I think if you have a specific length you prefer you need to be specific.  If you simply said "long" and "don't alter your appearance too much" I think cutting several inches but keeping the same general style of hair cut means she absolutely listened to you.

Yvaine

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2011, 02:19:24 PM »
We can also factor in possible misunderstanding by the hairdresser. I have occasionally gone to the salon and had more taken off than I actually asked for.

SiotehCat

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #4 on: November 28, 2011, 02:19:53 PM »
Have you talked to her about it? Did she want to cut it shorter or was it the stylists idea?

I have hair past my waist. Every time that I go in for a trim or cut or anything, it always seems like the stylist wants to cut much shorter then what I ask for. The last girl that I went to took off a foot when I had asked for 4-6 inches.

One stylist in particular(my sisters sylist) really tries to pressure me into getting a short cut. She tells me how amazing its going to look, all the cute things that I can do with it, yadda yadda yadda. Then she asks me why I want to leave it so long. I tell her that my DH likes my hair long. That just opens her up to tell me how women have to do what makes them happy, etc... I nod my head and smile. Just a trim, please.

Kitty Hawk

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #5 on: November 28, 2011, 02:28:22 PM »
The way I see it, she was asking for your opinion, not your permission. Your opinion was long hair, evidently hers was short hair.  And you did say it was up to her to decide what to do.

Reason

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #6 on: November 28, 2011, 02:34:20 PM »
I actually did give a number, which was no more than 6 inches. She got it cut shorter than that because, apparently, the minimum number to donate hair for cancer patients et al, is 10 inches.

Now, I realize it may make me look like a gigantic jerk to refuse 10 inches of hair to someone with much bigger problems, but that is not my issue. I honestly don't really think it's any of my business how my wife cuts her hair or what she does with it, and I think hers is a most noble and worthy cause to support. What I don't understand is why ask me about what I would like, if it's just going to be ignored. Especially since I initially refused to answer as it was none of my business.

That being said, in a partnership as close as a marriage, one does expect some input. For example if I suddenly got a facial tattoo of kermit the frog I would reasonably expect my wife to be at the very least surprised if not outright angry. That is, she in particular wouldn't be angry because I suspect she's part saint, but most wives I think would be.

O'Dell

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #7 on: November 28, 2011, 02:35:40 PM »
The way I see it, she was asking for your opinion, not your permission. Your opinion was long hair, evidently hers was short hair.  And you did say it was up to her to decide what to do.

Exactly this. This is what I've done when contemplating a change in hairstyle. My husband has asked for my input when he's thinking about a change in looks too. You listen to the opinion and sometimes you go with it and other times you tweak it or override it.
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dawbs

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #8 on: November 28, 2011, 02:42:39 PM »
*snip*

So, my question is, why would you even ask a person for their input if you are planning on completely ignoring it while insisting that said input is of paramount importance to you?

Imput can be important, listened to, considered and someone can still decide on something different.

I mean, I asked my BFF about her Labor and Delivery plans/thoughts/ideas.  I had options to make the same choices she did.  I chose to do almost everything COMPLETELY at the polar-opposite differently.  I didn't 'ignore' her opinions.  I was glad to have had them.  I just chose differently.

I've asked my husband his opinion on my hair.  I do find his input important--I take it firmly in consideration when making choices.  I care.  But that doesn't mean I make the choice he recommends.

choosing not to take advice, even asked for advice, isn't rude, IMO.  If it were, no one would ask for advice--I mean, imagine if I *HAD* to choose what the waiter recommended because I asked?  Or *had* to go to my friend's bank because she loves it?

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #9 on: November 28, 2011, 02:46:02 PM »
When I decide to make a change, I will ask several people close to me, including my husband, their opinions about the change. It does not mean I will take their suggestion, just that I care enough to see what they think. The last time I cut my hair, I went from shoulder blade long to an Audrey Hepburn pixie. Everyone I spoke to shied away from the drastic change, I considered what they said and did it anyways. It does not mean that I did not want thier opinions, just that I did not agree.

She may have also been seeing how much of a reaction she could expect from you. You said yourself that you prefer long hair and seem disappointed in your post that she cut it off. You say that it is her head and she can do what she likes, but she may have been gauging your actual opinion verses her desire for shorter hair.

WillyNilly

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #10 on: November 28, 2011, 02:56:56 PM »
That being said, in a partnership as close as a marriage, one does expect some input. For example if I suddenly got a facial tattoo of kermit the frog I would reasonably expect my wife to be at the very least surprised if not outright angry. That is, she in particular wouldn't be angry because I suspect she's part saint, but most wives I think would be.

Considering hair grows out (at an average rate of half an inch a month) and tattoos at best only fade a bit and that takes years, I really don't think these are even in the realm of comparable scenarios.

I actually did give a number, which was no more than 6 inches. She got it cut shorter than that because, apparently, the minimum number to donate hair for cancer patients et al, is 10 inches.

Did you know she was donating her hair?  Did she know the minimum length requirement when she asked you your preference?  I mean if she went in with the intention of donating her hair, then she really had to commit to 10 inches, regardless of your opinion or just not donated at all.  And she may have weighed your opinion in determining whether to donate the minimum versus a longer length (sure they won't take shorter then 10 inches, but they are more then happy to get donations of significantly longer hair).

Reason

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2011, 03:05:54 PM »

choosing not to take advice, even asked for advice, isn't rude, IMO.  If it were, no one would ask for advice--I mean, imagine if I *HAD* to choose what the waiter recommended because I asked?  Or *had* to go to my friend's bank because she loves it?

Good point... I am wrong. Thanks for the input. No one is obligated to take advice, solicited or otherwise.

The tattoo was clearly a bad example. Maybe this is a better one, is it really out of line for a wife to say "honey, I would really rather you didn't style your hair in a purple mohawk."

My point there is that physical appearance is actually important in a marriage. People are of course free to be themselves, but if the wife changes her appearance to such a degree that the husband ceases to be attracted to her (not the case here) then it will certainly affect the stability of the marriage. In which case, ignoring the husband's input can be very damaging. The same applies vice versa as well.

Xallanthia

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2011, 03:06:47 PM »
When I decide to make a change, I will ask several people close to me, including my husband, their opinions about the change. It does not mean I will take their suggestion, just that I care enough to see what they think. The last time I cut my hair, I went from shoulder blade long to an Audrey Hepburn pixie. Everyone I spoke to shied away from the drastic change, I considered what they said and did it anyways. It does not mean that I did not want thier opinions, just that I did not agree.

Agreed.  The first time I cut my hair short (mid-back to chin length) I mentioned that I was considering it to a large, mixed group of friends.  All the men but one were against it.  All the women were for it.  I asked because I was quite nervous; I was 19 and had had long hair (no shorter than 3" past my shoulders, frequently mid-back) since I was 7.

After I did it, all the men but one complimented me on my hair.  The one dissenter said I still looked pretty and it was a good short cut for me but he just loooooooooooooves long hair generally.

If I were married to any of those men but the dissenter, I would've still cut my hair.  Married to the dissenter, I *might* still have done it, but probably not, because he had such strong feelings on the issue.  The dissenter is now married and his wife's hair was past her waist last time I saw them.

My actual husband has known me with both long and short hair, as my general pattern is to let it grow for 2-3 years, get annoyed with the long hair, and cut it off at chin length.  He generally doesn't care that I do what I want but has requested that I try to grow it as long as possible this time (last cut was ~6 months ago).

Especially because the OP's wife wanted to donate (10" minimum), I don't think it was at all rude or inconsiderate for her to decide against the OP's request.  Asking just means that you're taking the person's opinion into consideration, not that you're absolutely going to abide by the decision.

Shopaholic

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #13 on: November 28, 2011, 03:21:43 PM »
I have this argument constantly with the men in my life:
Just because I ask for your advice/opinion, doesn't mean I have to take it.

It sounds like your wife listened to your opinion, but decided to cut a bit more for a good cause.

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #14 on: November 28, 2011, 03:26:18 PM »
Several times, I have been in the process of growing my hair, and gone in for a trim, fulling intending to keep it growing out. Or gone in not knowing what I wanted but assuming I'd be keeping it more or less the same. I might ask my husband the same thing before going in for one of those appointments. It is actually really important to me that he likes my hair, too; he has to look at it more than I do.

And then my hair stylist says, "Ooooh, I just learned this new thing. What do you think? Does that look fun?" And I say yes, and I walk out of there with completely different hair than I'd planned. I still wouldn't do any haircut that I think he'd hate, but that doesn't sound like that's what happened here.


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