Author Topic: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?  (Read 8108 times)

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WillyNilly

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #15 on: November 28, 2011, 03:34:53 PM »
The tattoo was clearly a bad example. Maybe this is a better one, is it really out of line for a wife to say "honey, I would really rather you didn't style your hair in a purple mohawk."


I guess its kind of a moot point but I really don't think a purple mohawk is line with simply cutting ones hair a bit shorter either.  A purple mohawk will affect more then just appearance (employment prospects, ability to get into formal establishments with strict dress codes, etc) and costs money to reverse* and is an extreme style (presumably your example is in reference to someone who does not start out with an extreme/outrageous style).

Your wife cutting her hair is comparable to - you cutting your hair (for a man with short hair already the comparable would be shaving one's head, for example, which like shorter hair on women, is currently a quite popular look for men).  Shorter hair on a woman is still widely social acceptable, still within general dress codes, and will grow back for free.

Its unfortunate you seem to feel so strongly negative towards your wife's current hair cut, but it will grow back in a few months.



*Yes eventually the shaved parts will grow in and the purple will grow out, but in order to look presentable say tomorrow or in a 1 week, etc it would cost money to re-dye the hair and come up with a style solution.

pierrotlunaire0

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #16 on: November 28, 2011, 03:40:34 PM »
To respond to the title of your thread: Yes, IF she truly didn't care.  She felt she was obligated to let you have your say, even as she mentally checked out while you were speaking.

But even though she ended up doing other than what you would have liked does not mean that she didn't care.  She may have (at the point she made the decision) decided that donating hair meant a lot to her, and since her hair would grow back, she may have figured that eventually you would be happy.

She may have made a very carefully reasoned decisions, balancing a lot of opinions, maybe giving a little extra weight to yours.  I don't think you can assume she snubbed your opinion.
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hobish

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #17 on: November 28, 2011, 04:08:10 PM »

I don’t think your wife was rude, but I definitely see where you are coming from. I get really irritated by that, especially if they don’t just ignore your opinion; but argue with it. Maybe it is irrational, but it does make me wonder why someone is even bothering to ask if they’re just going to ignore or argue. I’m sure I have even done it myself without really thinking about it; but it can still be annoying. If my husband came home with a purple mohawk I would probably laugh. Considering I used to have one and the fact at 34 he’d look a total boob with one … well, what’re ya gonna do? It is just hair after all.

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Bibliophile

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #18 on: November 28, 2011, 04:12:43 PM »
I think it's a bit rude to automatically assume that she didn't care about your opinion.  You're married, of course she cares.  It just sounds like she went into this not knowing about the full 10" thing so she wound up with a style a bit shorter than you would prefer.  But as it's hair & hair has a habit of growing out quite quickly, she may not have thought the few extra inches were that big a deal in light of the donation.

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Reason

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #19 on: November 28, 2011, 04:32:59 PM »
Please remember the third variable in this equation was that she agreed that she would not cut her hair any shorter than my stated preference. I take it that she agreed without knowing there was a length restriction on donating it (which I did not know was her plan) and modified her decision on the fly.

She certainly wasn't asking me for permission as we do not have that kind of relationship, nor do I want one. But in this case, she asked me for my specific preference and did something different.

Here is why I am/was upset by the episode, or rather how I perceive it. Obviously the dye is a hypothetical to explain my sentiment on the matter.

Wife: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Me: Hmm, do as you like.
Wife: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.
Me: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.
Wife: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know.
--- Comes back as a Brunette.

...

But as many posters have pointed out, that sequence of events is not rude. I still find it baffling however.


Zilla

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #20 on: November 28, 2011, 04:48:55 PM »
Actually I can see her there and asking to trim just 6 inches.  Stylist saying, "Well if you want to just cut 6, why not do 4 more inches and donate it to locks of love?"  And your wife thinking that was a most wonderful thing to do said sure.


So it isn't she was disregarding what you said, it seems like she thought she could do something meaningful and thought you would agree.


As clearly posted in your update, you didn't.  So I am sure she will know for next time what to do.

lady_disdain

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #21 on: November 28, 2011, 04:52:28 PM »
The thing, Reason, is that your opinion is not the only factor in her decision.

She might be weighing:
- My husband prefers blond
- Going blond is a harsher chemical process (in some cases this is true)
- Dark hair will add more contrast to my complexion
- Blondes have more fun
- Growing out dark hair will be easier with my base colour
- I might have to deal with "dumb blonde" comments or jokes

So there are 2 points for blondes, 4 for brunette. Wait a second - my husband's opinion is very important and should count double the points as the others. Humm, still 3 for/4 against. I think I should be a brunette.

In this scenario, she did consider your opinion - more than any other in fact. But, over all, it was still better for her to be a brunette at that point.

(please don't laugh - this is my decision making process, nerdy as it is)

LadyL

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #22 on: November 28, 2011, 04:53:20 PM »
Wife: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Me: Hmm, do as you like.
Wife: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.
Me: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.
Wife: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know.
--- Comes back as a Brunette.

But as many posters have pointed out, that sequence of events is not rude. I still find it baffling however.

It's only baffling if you believe that your input is the deciding variable in the sequence. It's often not. Your opinion, more likely, is being weighted before entering into the equation - meaning if you threaten divorce over her going brunette/cutting her hair short then it will be heavily weighted against everything else and probably prevail. If your opinion is instead middle of the road (so neutral that you didn't care enough either way to give your opinion without prompting) it gets entered with a lesser weight and can easily be canceled out by another variable, i.e. hairdresser says brunette/short hair is very "in" this season. It's not that your opinion isn't considering, it's just not weighted above other variables.

I hope that makes sense. I tend to be an analytical thinker who struggles to understand nonsensical human behavior and that's how I would explain my reasoning if LordL and I had the type of conversation you described.

ETA: Lady Disdain spelled out the mechanics of the process quite nicely.

MrsJWine

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #23 on: November 28, 2011, 04:55:24 PM »
If I ask five different people for an opinion, and they each give a different answer, I'm going to go against at least four of them. It doesn't mean I didn't consider all opinions or that my asking was just a token gesture.

In her decision-making process, think of your opinion as one person's input and other factors (locks of love, stylist showing her a cut she thought looked really cute, etc) as four more people's input. Even if yours weighs more heavily than other factors do on their own, it doesn't mean she didn't consider it.


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SiotehCat

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #24 on: November 28, 2011, 05:06:18 PM »
I think this might be a relationship question more than an etiquette one.

I always consider my DH's opinion, when it comes to my appearance, more important then even my own. He has to look at me.

Shores

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #25 on: November 28, 2011, 05:13:16 PM »
It's only baffling if you believe that your input is the deciding variable in the sequence. It's often not.
ITA. She asked your opinion, she considered it and she decided on a different course of action. Not only is that not rude or even really an etiquette question, it's also not fair to even be complaining about it. Do you follow her opinion every single time you ask for her input? This whole rant is unreasonable, IMO. If it's so "baffling" that a grown woman might decide her own course instead of following your "advice", I'd suggest that you stick to your guns and not offer advice next time she asks for it.
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Bibliophile

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #26 on: November 28, 2011, 05:14:31 PM »
Please remember the third variable in this equation was that she agreed that she would not cut her hair any shorter than my stated preference. I take it that she agreed without knowing there was a length restriction on donating it (which I did not know was her plan) and modified her decision on the fly.

She certainly wasn't asking me for permission as we do not have that kind of relationship, nor do I want one. But in this case, she asked me for my specific preference and did something different.

I think that it's a little selfish to complain about her when she did the hair donation for charity.  She did a good thing.  You can do a good thing by supporting her decision.  It does not matter that you were not aware of this intention before she went.  She's a grown woman and it's fine if she made the decision in the spur of the moment - it wasn't done to irritate your or slight you, it was done for charity.

“Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.” ~ Groucho Marx

Yvaine

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #27 on: November 28, 2011, 05:18:21 PM »
I think this might be a relationship question more than an etiquette one.

I always consider my DH's opinion, when it comes to my appearance, more important then even my own. He has to look at me.

For me it depends, in a lot of ways. There are things I do with my appearance where I have a slight preference one way and BF has a preference the other, and I'll do the thing he likes because I see it as a small compromise that doesn't hurt anyone. Other things I'll put my foot down on or meet him halfway: hair color is a good example. He likes redheads, I am a strawberry blonde and actually love my hair color and don't want to change it permanently, so I told him I was keeping the blonde but that I'd do temporary red dye occasionally for fun. He was fine with that and, as it turns out, also likes the blonde. Other things, tough luck for him. I'm sure he would love it if I dressed tarty every day, but that wouldn't fly at work. There's a difference between functional secretary and naughty secretary.  >:D

gingerzing

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #28 on: November 28, 2011, 05:18:26 PM »
The only thing I can think of with the hair is that she asked you and then got to the hair dresser and found that for the charity she needed to cut off more. 
My hope is that you still like your wife and that you didn't say something like "Hmmm, not my favorite cut for you."  DH did this once when I had gotten a really horrible haircut and was already upset (he wasn't thinking properly and said it outloud...did apologize for making me cry again over that stupid cut). 
That said, DH use to freak out when I went to get my hair trimmed and pitched fit when I said I was getting an inch or so trimmed to get my split ends taken care of.  Then one day, I got three inches off (I had quite long hair then) and he never noticed.  After a week I said something about getting my hair trimmed an inch and he pitched a fit.  I then calmly told him that I had had 3 inches off earlier in the week and he never noticed.   Since then we have mellowed out about my hair (which has been past shoulder blades to just below chin length at various times)  He just asks that I don't get too crazy with my hair dye.  I have been known to occasional bright auburn and he prefers it to be a bit closer to natural shades LOL.

katycoo

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #29 on: November 28, 2011, 05:19:01 PM »
My point there is that physical appearance is actually important in a marriage. People are of course free to be themselves, but if the wife changes her appearance to such a degree that the husband ceases to be attracted to her (not the case here) then it will certainly affect the stability of the marriage. In which case, ignoring the husband's input can be very damaging. The same applies vice versa as well.

True - but if she has always had long hair, and you've always liked her long hair - you're depriving yourself of the opportunity to consider whether you also think she looks hawt with a different style.

Without knowing what the new style looks like, you have no idea if the current long hair is actually how you find her MOST attractive.