Author Topic: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?  (Read 7969 times)

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Ulla dances in a silly way

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #30 on: November 28, 2011, 05:26:43 PM »
My husband (then boyfriend) freaked out exactly once over my hair style. I told him I would never consider his opinion again if he tried to demand I keep any certain style. He didn't love my purple, asymmetrical phase, but he loved me enough to understand that my hair had very little to do with him and everything to do with me. I now let him know before I go make a huge change and I ask him what he thinks. I do consider what he says but, ultimately, my hair style is a part of how I choose to present myself whether he is there or not.

MrsJWine

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #31 on: November 28, 2011, 05:28:09 PM »
I somehow missed this:

My point there is that physical appearance is actually important in a marriage. People are of course free to be themselves, but if the wife changes her appearance to such a degree that the husband ceases to be attracted to her (not the case here) then it will certainly affect the stability of the marriage. In which case, ignoring the husband's input can be very damaging. The same applies vice versa as well.

I actually agree with this; it's why my husband's opinion carries so much weight with me.

But you led her to believe that this wasn't one of those things. If it were important to you, you should have told her, not attempted to appear easygoing about it. If I were your wife, and I got home to find you displeased over going against an opinion you hadn't really seemed to care about, I would be completely baffled.


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penelope2017

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #32 on: November 28, 2011, 05:31:37 PM »
I think the 10 inch requirement makes a difference here. Generally, I'd say what happened might be a bit annoying. But she didn't plan to disregard your wishes. She only added the four inches because she wanted to make sure the hair went to charity. I think that is a noble wish and really not about ignoring your opinion.

If she came home and said she changed her mind for the heck of it, I'd be a little more sympathetic to your side of things.

dawbs

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #33 on: November 28, 2011, 05:33:00 PM »
Please remember the third variable in this equation was that she agreed that she would not cut her hair any shorter than my stated preference. I take it that she agreed without knowing there was a length restriction on donating it (which I did not know was her plan) and modified her decision on the fly.

She certainly wasn't asking me for permission as we do not have that kind of relationship, nor do I want one. But in this case, she asked me for my specific preference and did something different.

Here is why I am/was upset by the episode, or rather how I perceive it. Obviously the dye is a hypothetical to explain my sentiment on the matter.

Wife: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Me: Hmm, do as you like.
Wife: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.
Me: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.
Wife: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know.
--- Comes back as a Brunette.

...

But as many posters have pointed out, that sequence of events is not rude. I still find it baffling however.

Actually, I think most posters don't even believe that's the sequence of events.  It may be a very small portion of it, but it's not really the full sequence.

I'd imagine this to be the real sequence:

Wife thinks about her hair for a while and debates dying it.  She's torn almost 50/50 between blonde and brunette.

Wife: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Husband : Hmm, do as you like.
Wife: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.
Husband: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.
Wife: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know.

Wife:   I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Wife's Best Friend:  Hmmm, I know that Blond looks OK on you, but you've never really done a rich auburn red, have you?
Wife:  Not really.  I know Husband likes me as a Blonde, but maybe he'd REALLY like red.  Hmmm.
Wife's Best Friend:  If you want a dramatic change, consider red.  But if you want tried-and-true, go for Blonde.  I guess it depends on why you're dying it.
 Wife  Thanks for suggesting that.

Wife:  I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blonde or Brunette.
Wife's mom:  Dye your hair?  I LOVE your hair as Brunette and I"ll be devastated beyond belief if you consider anything in the realm of blond.  I must have parented you so poorly for you to even CONSIDER Blonde hair!
Wife:  *run away*

Wife:  I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blonde or Brunette.
Wife's Not-BFF:  Definitely Brunette.  I know Husband likes Blonde but I just don't like how it washes you out
Wife:  Hmmm.  Husband likes Blonde...
Wife's Not-BFF:  Does he like Blonde hair in general or Blonde hair on you?  (Note, I do actually think this is a legitimate question.  I have an ex-BF who loves long hair.  Even if the woman looks like a deranged golden-retriever when wearing her hair long.  He likes the *idea* of long hair rather than how it looks on a particular woman.  He's probably still not conscious of the disconnect)
Wife:  Hmmm.  I'm not sure
Wife's Not-BFF:  Well, Blonde isn't bad on you, but Brunette is better for your coloring


Wife:  I want to dye my hair.  Given my coloring, what would you recommend?  Blonde, Brunette, red...
Stylist/hair expert:  While Blonde can work for you, given your coloring, a red-toned Brunette may accent your coloring and make you look more *insert positive trait here*; a blonde is likely to wash you out and emphasize your neck/nose/whatever.


Wife weighs what she wants out of it (before she wanted to dye her hair, the decision, though, isn't that simple.  One color upsets someone.  One is a change but not dramatic enough.  One is dramatic--possibly to dramatic.  And she has an expert opinion to weigh as well--and a good stylist is an opinion worth having and taking into consideration. 

Her Husband's opinion is one of those things she's weighing but he made it clear that it was her choice and *not* a big deal, so she doesn't' realize that he's going to hold it against her that she is making the 'wrong' choice) 

Wife comes home as a Brunette.

Sharnita

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #34 on: November 28, 2011, 07:41:40 PM »
OP, I sympathize with your frustration.  You tried to avoid giving a specific number - she's the one who insisted on knowing it.  It would feel kinda like a setup to me, I think. If somebody made that big a point of getting that information form a spouse it would lead the spouse to believe that having that very specific information was very important.

artk2002

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #35 on: November 28, 2011, 09:00:15 PM »
The problem I have with your post, Reason, is that you are equating not doing what you wanted with not caring about your opinion.  Someone can care about your opinion, but still do their own thing.  We aren't obligated to bend to the opinions of others, even if we ask for those opinions.

Edit: Also, from your OP, it didn't sound as if you had that strong an opinion in the first place.  "I told her that it's her head and she is free to do with it as she pleases."  That makes any opinion you give later have that much less weight.
« Last Edit: November 28, 2011, 09:01:55 PM by artk2002 »
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Sharnita

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #36 on: November 28, 2011, 09:07:05 PM »
I think he is equating forcing a very specific opinion out of him and then not doing it as not caring about his opinion.  It sounds like he felt like she was making him jump through hoops for no particular reason.

Mental Magpie

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #37 on: November 28, 2011, 11:50:03 PM »
I think he is equating forcing a very specific opinion out of him and then not doing it as not caring about his opinion.  It sounds like he felt like she was making him jump through hoops for no particular reason.

I don't think she did for no reason, even if that's how he feels.  She did wants specifics so that she could consider specifics.  Just because she didn't choose his option doesn't mean she didn't consider his opinion, it just means she went with a different one.  Making an informed decision is the best decision to make.  His exact opinion helped her make a better informed one.
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Nora

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #38 on: November 29, 2011, 10:13:16 AM »

Snippetysnip:

Her Husband's opinion is one of those things she's weighing but he made it clear that it was her choice and *not* a big deal, so she doesn't' realize that he's going to hold it against her that she is making the 'wrong' choice) 

Wife comes home as a Brunette.


*applause*

That was very very well written out!
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Editeer

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #39 on: November 29, 2011, 02:50:19 PM »
Actually I can see her there and asking to trim just 6 inches.  Stylist saying, "Well if you want to just cut 6, why not do 4 more inches and donate it to locks of love?"  And your wife thinking that was a most wonderful thing to do said sure.


So it isn't she was disregarding what you said, it seems like she thought she could do something meaningful and thought you would agree.

This is how I imagine it went. She  asked your opinion and agreed to do it a certain way. But when she got to the hairdresser, she discovered that she could do a nice deed if she cut it shorter, and she decided to do that, probably thinking you'd be pleased.

I don't think she was ignoring your opinion. I can see how it feels that way, though.

Bethalize

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #40 on: November 29, 2011, 02:57:47 PM »
Her Husband's opinion is one of those things she's weighing but he made it clear that it was her choice and *not* a big deal, so she doesn't' realize that he's going to hold it against her that she is making the 'wrong' choice) 

Good post. Giving your opinion doesn't oblige anyone to follow it, even if they begged to hear it.

fountainof

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #41 on: November 29, 2011, 03:45:23 PM »
I think people get too attached to a style/length/colour and don't accept that they would look better/younger, etc. with a different style/colour (it happens to me too just look at The Donald).  I cannot see how just having length is attrative or just being blond is attractive it has to work on you too.

As for the OP I would expect the opinion was taken into consideration but it doesn't mean it is a requirement.  My husband is blind, I don't have these issues, he just asks me "does it look great?" and I answer yes and he says "good".

I actually don't like super short or super long hair on myself but other people look great in these styles they just aren't the best for my round shaped face.

Onyx_TKD

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #42 on: November 29, 2011, 03:59:20 PM »
I think he is equating forcing a very specific opinion out of him and then not doing it as not caring about his opinion.  It sounds like he felt like she was making him jump through hoops for no particular reason.

This is the way I see it. Since Reason's initial response was that it was her hair and anything she liked was fine, I assume he was prepared to accept whatever hairstyle she came home with, even if it wasn't his preference. But, she wanted a more specific opinion (reasonable enough). I could see this going a couple of different ways:

Scenario 1:
Husband: "It's your hair. Get whatever style makes you happy." (Neutral, not expressing an opinion)
Wife: "Well, I was thinking of [getting it cut to shoulder length/donating the hair to charity/getting a pixie cut/etc.], but I know you like long hair. Do you think that would be too short?"
Husband: "Well, I like it long, but it's up to you" (expressing a preference, but still encouraging her to choose whatever she wants) OR "I'd prefer if it stayed at least shoulder length" (a stronger preference), etc.

In this scenario, I would take it that the wife already has some ideas in mind and is just collecting further input to help her choose between them. I wouldn't be surprised if the end result did not match the husband's suggestions.

Scenario 2:
Husband: "It's your hair. Get whatever style makes you happy."
Wife: "How much should I get cut off? I know you like it long; how short would be too short?"
Husband: "I like it long, but it's your hair. How much do you want to cut it?"
Wife: "Come on, give me a number! Would 2" be too much? 4"? 6"?"
Husband: "Well, I'd rather you didn't cut off more than 6"."

In this scenario, since the wife asks for a specific number on how much she should cut off and pushes her husband to name a number when he doesn't volunteer one, I would assume that she either doesn't have a strong opinion about her new haircut or she considers her husband's preference important enough to let that be a very major factor in the decision. I this situation, I would be surprised if the new hairstyle was considerably shorter than what the husband suggested, unless she specifically mentioned a reason (e.g. "When I was at the salon, I saw a picture of this cut and fell in love with it!").

I don't think doing something other than the suggestion is rude in either case, but if the conversation had been like the second scenario, I would probably wouldn't bother to come up with a specific number if she asked again in the future. ETA: I mean, in the future, I'd probably just keep repeating "It's your decision; whatever length you want" instead of putting much thought into what specific length I thought would look best.
« Last Edit: November 29, 2011, 04:02:37 PM by Onyx_TKD »

Sharnita

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #43 on: November 29, 2011, 07:01:46 PM »
I think people get too attached to a style/length/colour and don't accept that they would look better/younger, etc. with a different style/colour (it happens to me too just look at The Donald).  I cannot see how just having length is attrative or just being blond is attractive it has to work on you too.

As for the OP I would expect the opinion was taken into consideration but it doesn't mean it is a requirement.  My husband is blind, I don't have these issues, he just asks me "does it look great?" and I answer yes and he says "good".

I actually don't like super short or super long hair on myself but other people look great in these styles they just aren't the best for my round shaped face.

But she required that he give a specific opinion which I think is the problem. 

Mental Magpie

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Re: Is it rude to ask for an opinion if you don't really care?
« Reply #44 on: November 29, 2011, 09:19:19 PM »
I think people get too attached to a style/length/colour and don't accept that they would look better/younger, etc. with a different style/colour (it happens to me too just look at The Donald).  I cannot see how just having length is attrative or just being blond is attractive it has to work on you too.

As for the OP I would expect the opinion was taken into consideration but it doesn't mean it is a requirement.  My husband is blind, I don't have these issues, he just asks me "does it look great?" and I answer yes and he says "good".

I actually don't like super short or super long hair on myself but other people look great in these styles they just aren't the best for my round shaped face.

But she required that he give a specific opinion which I think is the problem.

Where one person may think 4 inches off is too short, someone else may draw the line at 6.  I don't think asking for a specific number is a problem; it let's her make a more informed decision.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.