Please remember the third variable in this equation was that she agreed that she would not cut her hair any shorter than my stated preference. I take it that she agreed without knowing there was a length restriction on donating it (which I did not know was her plan) and modified her decision on the fly.
She certainly wasn't asking me for permission as we do not have that kind of relationship, nor do I want one. But in this case, she asked me for my specific preference and did something different.
Here is why I am/was upset by the episode, or rather how I perceive it. Obviously the dye is a hypothetical to explain my sentiment on the matter.
Wife: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.
Me: Hmm, do as you like.
Wife: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.
Me: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.
Wife: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know.
--- Comes back as a Brunette.
But as many posters have pointed out, that sequence of events is not rude. I still find it baffling however.
Actually, I think most posters don't even believe that's the sequence of events. It may be a very small portion of it, but it's not really the full sequence.
I'd imagine this to be the real sequence:
Wife thinks about her hair for a while and debates dying it. She's torn almost 50/50 between blonde and brunette.Wife
: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.Husband
: Hmm, do as you like.Wife
: I really want to know, because I value your opinion and want you to think I look spectacular.Husband
: Well, ok. I prefer Blond hair. You look beautiful with Blond hair.Wife
: ok, great. Thanks for letting me know. Wife
: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blond or Brunette.Wife's Best Friend
: Hmmm, I know that Blond looks OK on you, but you've never really done a rich auburn red, have you?Wife
: Not really. I know Husband likes me as a Blonde, but maybe he'd REALLY like red. Hmmm.Wife's Best Friend
: If you want a dramatic change, consider red. But if you want tried-and-true, go for Blonde. I guess it depends on why you're dying it. Wife
Thanks for suggesting that.Wife
: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blonde or Brunette.Wife's mom
: Dye your hair? I LOVE your hair as Brunette and I"ll be devastated beyond belief if you consider anything in the realm of blond. I must have parented you so poorly for you to even CONSIDER Blonde hair!Wife
: *run away*Wife
: I am going to dye my hair. Do you prefer Blonde or Brunette.Wife's Not-BFF
: Definitely Brunette. I know Husband likes Blonde but I just don't like how it washes you outWife
: Hmmm. Husband likes Blonde...Wife's Not-BFF
: Does he like Blonde hair in general or Blonde hair on you? (Note, I do actually think this is a legitimate question. I have an ex-BF who loves long hair. Even if the woman looks like a deranged golden-retriever when wearing her hair long. He likes the *idea* of long hair rather than how it looks on a particular woman. He's probably still not conscious of the disconnect)Wife
: Hmmm. I'm not sureWife's Not-BFF
: Well, Blonde isn't bad on you, but Brunette is better for your coloring
Wife: I want to dye my hair. Given my coloring, what would you recommend? Blonde, Brunette, red...
Stylist/hair expert: While Blonde can work for you, given your coloring, a red-toned Brunette may accent your coloring and make you look more *insert positive trait here*; a blonde is likely to wash you out and emphasize your neck/nose/whatever.
Wife weighs what she wants out of it (before she wanted to dye her hair, the decision, though, isn't that simple. One color upsets someone. One is a change but not dramatic enough. One is dramatic--possibly to dramatic. And she has an expert opinion to weigh as well--and a good stylist is an opinion worth having and taking into consideration.
Her Husband's opinion is one of those things she's weighing but he made it clear that it was her choice and *not* a big deal, so she doesn't' realize that he's going to hold it against her that she is making the 'wrong' choice)
Wife comes home as a Brunette.