Christmas brouhaha - help me keep my temper (a bit long)

[Iris]

[bg] DH and DD1 both have coeliac's disease. They have been diagnosed for a few years and most of our friends and family have been wonderful with helping them with the transition to the special diet, especially DD1 who was only young at the time of diagnosis. With one exception. My SIL who is normally lovely and really truly loves my daughter just does not make any accommodation. At all. As in has invited me and my daughters to afternoon tea and had nothing at ALL gluten free on the table. Then when DD1 eventually gets hungry she'll say "Oh, go look in the fruit bowl, there's probably something you can eat..."

This has been going on for a few years now. The last time they hosted christmas they asked us to contribute money towards the price of the day (rather than bringing a dish) but then DH and DD2 were left scrounging about to get what food they could. Things like the GF ham was put on a platter with the non-GF food on top of it, meaning it was contaminated. Instead of just buying the Kraft coleslaw dressing, which is GF, they bought the Praise coleslaw dressing, which is not, and then made a production about it when we had to ask them to leave some without dressing AFTER they made a production out of reading the label to check. I did TRY to discuss options with them before the day but was shrugged off with a "There'll be something. You can check when you get here"[/bg]

All in all, I have been a bit irritated by this for a long time and said nothing to keep the family peace. This christmas, however, we have been told "Oh yeah, we still want you to give us money towards the cost of the day. Oh, and if you want anything GF then you bring it." Wait. What? So I am paying $50 (the usual amount) AND bringing food for half my family? Because they can't change their SALAD DRESSING for one day?!

*Ahem* As you can see I am quite annoyed. It's one of those situations where one gets much more annoyed on someone else's behalf than one would on their own. DH, who is personally affected, is very relaxed about it and says not to worry, he and DD will find something to eat. But I don't want my DD to spend her christmas picking the scraps off the bone because all the good meat has been dumped on a platter with a cross contaminant that will make her sick. I DON'T think it's SS to ask for the meat to be on separate platters, but that "isn't the way they do things".

So, sorry for the long info here. I have been wracking my brains for a solution to this.

1. Could I just say "I'd rather not contribute $$. I'll bring a leg of lamb and a salad?" If I do this, there's a good chance they'll just say that that doesn't suit them - how would I deal with that?

2. My mother has suggested that I just ask if I could bring the dressings/sauces for everyone (as well the $$) so that they'll be happy and DD can eat. Could I then just deduct the cost of the dressings (likely to add up if there's a few) from the money I would normally give them?

3. Am I just a massive SS? I don't think it is SS to expect invited guests to be reasonably fed - I'm not asking for the whole menu to be changed, just a few precautions to be taken and perhaps the easily changed things changed.

TBH if it doesn't work out this year I really just don't want to go anymore. Is it wrong to potentially create family drama about this? Should I let them know I feel that way? Argh! This is WAY more stressful than the years that I host!!

[Kiara]

I wouldn't go.  I'd say something along the lines of "To make it easier for everyone, we'll be eating dinner at home.  We'll be happy to come over afterwards for drinks and conversation."  Only if you are happy, of course.  And I'm sure one of the other eHellions can wordsmith that better for you.

I'd do that for DD1.  Because if I was her...I'd be PO'd at my dad that I can't eat anything on *Christmas*, for crying out loud, and he's fine with it.  Picking at scraps?  No.  No no no.  My father was/is clueless about things, and he'd never let that happen.  SIL has demonstrated that she doesn't want to be accomodating at all, so I'd stop going to dinner and socialize another way.

[Animala]

Wowzers, well coming from the point of view of someone with colitis I take a bag of snacks and a container (not a dish so it can't get contaminated) or two of something I can eat.  Honestly I got over the hurt feelings thing many years ago. 

I would take things they can eat, just for them and I'd either offer a portion of the money or take dishes yourself.  If you get questioned I would simply say the current system isn't working.  I would also feed them a good snack before you get there so they aren't starving.  You are not a SS at all.  People should be adequately planned for at a dinner.  Your SIL is a poor hostess. 

If it continues to be an issue I would stop going altogether.   

[Fleur-de-Lis]

I would have declined to go a second time, after the first time there was nothing gluten free on the table.

Your SIL is setting your family up to be the "bad guy" in any "but the family is never together" - but she's the real bad guy, and I would stop accommodating her.

Why are you choosing to attend only to be unable to enjoy a significant part of the planned activity?

Yes, it's rude to create drama - and your SIL is being rude. You have a health issue for which genuine accommodation needs to be made. 

[camlan]

What Kiara said. Which is better than my idea, which was to offer to pay for yourself (1/3 of the $50) and just go ahead and bring food that DH and DD can eat. Kiara is more polite and less in-your-face than I am.

It's a holiday dinner. Everyone should have enough to eat. Everyone should get to eat holiday food--not scraps. And no one should have to risk getting sick.

[BellyBionic]

I, also, wouldn't go.  Your SIL has made it abundantly clear that not only is not willing to make any accommodations, she's actively sabotaging your attempts to make sure there is something your husband and daughter can eat in her home.  Regardless of her non-food -related behavior, I would read this as a giant neon sign over her head that says "I don't want you here".  Her demands for money in addition to you having to bring a separate meal for half your family is beyond unwelcoming.  So, take the hint.  Celebrate at home or with other friends or family who actually care if your husband and child are going hungry.

[lowspark]

I, too, agree with Kiara. My son is a vegetarian, and if we were invited to a relative's house (for crying out loud!) who refused to serve anything he could eat, you can bet that we would not return. It can't be that hard to have just a few key items that are gluten free. As a frequent hostess, I'd be horrified to have someone come to my house to eat and then discover that there was nothing appropriate. I'd make sure to have something that they could eat as long as I was forewarned.

Bottom line: don't go. It's just not worth it.

[lilfox]

I agree with Kiara - if it's at all feasible, skip the dinner part and spend family time with them before or afterwards.  I would also turn down more casual food-related invitations from your SIL as well, as she's clearly not willing to accommodate a GF diet.

If the Christmas dinner is something you (+ family) feel you have to attend, then Option 1 is your best bet.  I don't think you should pay money that doesn't even go towards food your family can't eat, and history would suggest taking your chances on there being anything GF is a bad bet.  If they say it doesn't suit them... well, that's a pretty rude response to your generous offer to contribute to the potluck dinner (which is what it is, whether you give cash or food, so SIL should not get to dictate all of the terms of that contribution).  Keep reminding yourself that it's a potluck and this is your contribution on behalf of your family.

SIL:  blah blah plans for the Christmas dinner?
Iris:  Yes, due to DH and DD1's diet restrictions, I thought I'd supply a leg of lamb and a GF salad.
SIL:  Okay, but we also expect $$ from you to cover the food we're providing.
Iris:  Actually, I'm using that $$ to cover the costs of the food I'm supplying.
SIL:  What? No, that doesn't suit us at all.
Iris:  Which part?

And then let your SIL try to argue why your providing both food AND money is necessary.  Your food feeds DH and DD (and others, most likely), so your normal contribution is spent on that...  It's kind of a tidy little circular argument by itself, each piece justifies the other.  Stick with that and she shouldn't be able to get at you.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

   If SIL was truly hosting then I think you could tell her " I need to bring x , y and z. for daughter and husband" (You couldn't do this normally but for family Christmas dinner , I think it's OK) but your SIL isn;t hosting she is cooking and providing the venue, once you ask people for a monetary contribution you change the etiquette.  You can be a lot more firm , you bought a portins of the ham she contaminated last year etc. .

   If it's a matter of bring 2 bottles of dressing then I would just bring the dressing and still contribute, the dressing did seem like a mistake not intentional.  It depends on the menu (how many dressings you'll need ,what % of the menu your family wont be able to eat etc. )  BTW what did she put on top of the ham? The likelyhood of it being a honest mistake vs obviously commentated makes a difference. Also I am not clear did she  leave some coleslaw undressed last year after she was asked and/or did she refuse to not contaminate a portion of the ham  (does that make sense?) She doesn't have to put all the ham on a separate platter but 2-4 portions need to set aside for your daughter and husband.

 IF SIL told me " no I will not set aside a potion of ham or leave the toppings off" I might not go and if I did I would go with option one.

" I will bring ............"

"I want you to pay $50 and bring nothing"

"that doesn't work for us, you are not willing to provide DD and DH with a meal "

** note I would only take this route if ham was the only meat and/or the only meat dish the could be GF* , if SIL is serving 1-3 GF meat dishes in addition to contaminated ham then I say go with your mothers suggestion. Same thing with the salad if there are 3-5 GF vegtable options.

[Elisabunny]

At what point does it become appropriate to go for the jugular?  As in:

OP: No, I'm not going to give you $XX, instead we're going to do y.
SIL: That won't work because blah blah blah.
OP: SIL, why do hate DH and DD?
SIL: what I love them!
OP: Every time you host some event involving food, you don't have anything they can eat.  I don't call that love.
SIL: *sputter sputter*

[LeveeWoman]

I'm with the others who've advised you to stay home.

[Iris]

Smallish update and some clarifications:

Merry Miss Martin - The ham is the only meat dish that can be GF. In Australia, I should point out, Gluten Free-ness has become so common that typically a GF ham will have "GLUTEN FREE" in large letters across the front of it and cost the same as any other ham (in fact, I think you'd have to look pretty hard to find one that ISN'T GF). The roast chicken of course could be GF, but then she's have to make special stuffing/do without stuffing and I don't expect that when it's two people out of a large crowd. So putting the ham on one platter and the chicken on the other would work well, rather than two mixed platters. However she didn't want to do that and also wouldn't put out a separate plate of just ham. What happened in practice was that poor DH had to make himself very pushy and basically interfere in the kitchen and grab portions for he and DD while they were carving/serving which was very unpleasant for all concerned.

Elisabunny - I will never be able to go for the jugular. It would upset my mother, an innocent party, too much.

Fleur-de-lis - Why am I choosing to attend. Really for the same reason as I can't go for the jugular. My mother (who was very poor) worked really, really hard to make christmas lovely for us as children. I would never upset her about Christmas and causing an argument would.

Small update: I discussed this with DH and, to my surprise, he agreed that it was a bit much to expect. The current plan is to call later today or this week and try to clarify what "Bring anything GF" means. If it means that I will end up bringing a meal for DH and DD we're going to go with Kiara's suggestion of "To make it easier for everyone, we'll be eating at home" and then meet up afterwards for presents/socialising. It will cause some waves but hopefully a) it won't happen and b) it won't upset my mum too much.

I don't know, I just feel as though SIL thinks that it is SS to expect someone to accomodate your eating needs. Fair enough, but we're not expecting her to change her whole menu. It really, really isn't that hard. I also know this from the other side because FIL (other side of the family) was diagnosed looooong before DH and DD and so I was in her position for a long time. It really isn't that hard.

Honestly, she really does love her neice. I genuinely think that she thinks she is hostessing adequately and we are the SSs for wanting any more accomodation. I do like her as a general rule but I learnt long ago that she has very different ideas about etiquette/child rearing etc than me. Usually I can work around them but at Christmas I just don't want to have to.

[Daffydilly]

I'd make a superb meal at home for 50 dollars and then go to the family gettogether. If SIL complains, ask her if she'd like to have a holiday meal with a small salad and piece of fruit. Nothing else provided. That is what your family is basically given and that's not fair.

It's a holiday and I'd make the best memories I could for my family. Plus, think of all the yummy leftovers your family could enjoy in the days after.

[doodlemor]

Iris, you are a saint to *like* this SIL.  IMHO she is either woefully ignorant, or incredibly  inconsiderate. 

It is understandable that you don't want to upset your mother.  You do need to be proactive here, though, for the sake of DH and DD.

Is there any reason why you can't host Christmas sometime, and show SIL how a gracious hostess behaves?  I think that it would be a great idea to serve an entire gluten free meal - that's what SIL should be doing!  Unless the number of family members coming is huge, don't let anyone else bring any food.  IMHO [again], there is no reason why people can't go gluten free for one meal. 

In the event that hosting would not work for you I think you should take the advice of the PP's who say that you should eat before you go, and not pay her a bit.  I think that her requesting of such a large sum, and then not serving things that everyone can eat is just outrageous.  She is not "hosting" when the "guests" have to pay.

If she causes any drama over your decision just stay sweet and reasonable, and she will look like the jerk.

[Merry Mrs Martin]

  I'm still stumbling over " I can't possible put 4 slices of ham on a separate plate" that's not an accommodation that is a micro favor. Maybe she doesn't get it (that things on the same plate are no longer GF)and actually tired last year and is frustrated now?  Sorry , I'm just having trouble processing how a normal person could refuse, this level of accommodation.