Christmas brouhaha - help me keep my temper (a bit long)

[Twik]

Really, you do not have to be a doormat about this. She wants you to pay $50 for food your family cannot eat? Absolutely ridiculous, and to me, it would be worth a blowup over.

Since you feel that you cannot refuse to attend, I would (1) not pay for food my family cannot eat, and (2) bring a complete meal for MY family only. If she doesn't like it, tough cookies.

No truly friendly person would host the way she is. She's one of those people out to make a point that "food sensitivities are all in your head," and potentially dangerous to your DH and DD.

[buvezdevin]

I agree with pretty much all that has been said, just wanted to say that I lean towards the option of saying that your family will eat at home, '"to spare the SIL the difficulty of preparing foods which your DH and DD can eat" and arrange a time to visit with the family at SIL's before or after they have their meal.

The reasons that seems the better option (to me) are:
1.  If SIL has not been willing to accomodate some *very* simple requests to separately plate some food in prior years, odds are good she will not be "graciious" regarding your family bringing their own foods, and she seems completely unable to actually appreciate the reasons/need for GF foods/service.
2.  For those who won't understand the *need* for GF food, bringing your own may read as rejecting SIL's foods and traditions.  Which your DH and DD do reject, for medical reasons, not judgement.
3.  While SIL won't take the easy step of separating some food portions, she expects you to bring any needed items - which would be a greater effort.
4.  Coming to SIL's meal, paying any amount towards same, and bringing food for DH and DD is effectively agreeing to SIL's insistence on serving meals *her* way even though expecting your family to participate.  Telling SIL that you won't ask her to change her meal traditions and preferences but your family will separately have your own meal and visit family outside meal time makes clear that the dietary needs of your family are not negotiable, and if SIL objects you could then have a list of the minor accomodations you *require* before your family will join her for meals.

[Redsoil]

Iris - your SIL is being unreasonable.  I'm not a cook, but even I manage to accommodate someone who needs GF food.  If I can manage it, any idiot can!

To expect you to pay $50 and then not have food for two of your group is very rude, and quite money-grubbing.  Sounds like the easiest option may be to have lunch at home, then arrive later in the afternoon, perhaps bringing some light afternoon tea items suitable to everyone.  Just tell the family that this works best for you, and you'll enjoy catching up with them.  Present it as a done deal, in a reasonable tone "Oh, we've planned to have lunch at home and we'll wander over to catch up with you all around 3pm."  To anyone familiar with the situation, they can surely see why you would do this.  If not, enlighten them (nicely, but firmly).

Be strong!  You're sending a message to your daughter about how to stand up for herself and look after her health without being rude.  By not standing up to the family, you're sending quite another message to her - that her needs are not that important.  Think about it.

Good luck!

[Oxymoroness]

I wonder if there's a certain level of cluelessness in SIL going on here.

Some people just don't "get" serious conditions. Especially if they've been super healthy their entire lives. Before going for any nuclear option I'd sit down with SIL over coffee and do the following:

1. Bring up the core problem. DH And DD just can.not.eat gluten foods. Period.

2. Go into very graphic detail of exactly what happens when they do.

3. Explain to SIL that by not accommodating their dietary restrictions she is actively hurting 2 people she loves directly and 2 more people indirectly.

4. Explain that you have no wish for extra drama, and no desire to hurt anyone, especially MIL.

5. Present 3 options. Either SIL abides exactly to your directions regarding a portion of the dinner and OP sends the money as usual — OR — You bring food that DD And DH can eat and present SIL with a fraction of the usual cost — OR — you eat at home and show up for after-dinner festivities. Let SIL pick.

6. Explain the consequences of deviation from whichever option. If there's nothing for DH and DD to eat, you're leaving. If SIL demands the full cost, too bad. (Option 3 is the safest).

7. Thank her for listening.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

Iris - your SIL is being unreasonable.   
(snip)

Be strong!  You're sending a message to your daughter about how to stand up for herself and look after her health without being rude.  By not standing up to the family, you're sending quite another message to her - that her needs are not that important.  Think about it.

Good luck!

I completely agree.

[Winterlight]

I'm with the "dine at home and meet up later" crew. Your SIL's attitude is neither reasonable nor kind.

[O'Dell]

I'm with the "dine at home and meet up later" crew. Your SIL's attitude is neither reasonable nor kind.

Ditto. I'm a vegetarian by choice and this is what I'd do. It's absolutely the way to go when it's a medical condition and not a choice. Why keep risking your husband's and daughter's health? Or making them feel like second class citizens? It's one thing for your husband to shrug it off. He's an adult. Your daughter is a minor still? It's shameful of your sister to treat a kid that way.

[Iris]

More slight clarifications

*There is no way that she doesn't know coeliacs is a real and serious condition. She's a nurse, and DD had her biopsy procedure at the hospital she works at. So she really really knows that it is not made up.

*All communications will be filtered via my brother. She never deals with our side of the family directly when it comes to organising things. Which is fair enough, frankly. I expect DH to organise things with his side of the family. However it leads to problems sometimes.

*She is a control freak when it comes to christmas lunch. She caters for her whole family and about 6 from our side so I don't have a problem with that as such, it just makes it difficult to suggest alterations to the plan/menu.

I was saying to DH last night that the more I type this out, the more I can't believe I've put up with so much rubbish surrounding the GF issue for so long. Things like when they invite us to lunch for one of neice's birthdays they don't bother about checking if there are any GF options or not. The attitude being "Well, the birthday girl gets to pick the restaurant". Fair enough, but it sends a message that the birthday girl having exactly what they want is more important to them than the presence of my husband or child.

I couldn't contact them yesterday evening as they are out all evening that day, so I have decided that I will text my brother tonight (we often communicate by text). That way I will know that he can run things by his wife before he replies and also I will be able to keep my temper - or at least appear to  I've decided to phrase it just as asking for confirmation/clarification and if it comes out that I have to bring a whole meal for DH and DD I'll just say "Oh, that sounds like it would be awkward. We'll just eat at home and catch up with you after lunch" How does that sound?

[buvezdevin]

If you don't want a repeat of the prior thoughtlessness and lack of concern or consideration, I would just tell your brother that to avoid the issues presented by no GF food options, your family will be eating at home, and ask what time would he and SIL suggest is good for your family to come visit before or after their meal.

If he or SIL object, then you can discuss what options would be *mutually* agreeable food wise for shared meals.  They will not change their established behavior unless there is a consequence they wish to avoid, so leave it to them to offer some consideration which has been sadly long lacking before you share a meal with them again.  And, if they don't offer to make accommodation, *you* are not making waves, you are just avoiding the issues they refuse to mitigate.

[wheeitsme]

My brother has an undiagnosed gut problem (many doctors have tried, all have failed but they almost all agree whatever he has is bad).  I always check before he visits to make sure that I have food he likes and food he can eat.  I think that is an important part of being a good host and a good sister. 

Do what is right for your DH and DD and let your DD see who comes first in your eyes.   

[doodlemor]

If you don't want a repeat of the prior thoughtlessness and lack of concern or consideration, I would just tell your brother that to avoid the issues presented by no GF food options, your family will be eating at home, and ask what time would he and SIL suggest is good for your family to come visit before or after their meal.

If he or SIL object, then you can discuss what options would be *mutually* agreeable food wise for shared meals.  They will not change their established behavior unless there is a consequence they wish to avoid, so leave it to them to offer some consideration which has been sadly long lacking before you share a meal with them again.  And, if they don't offer to make accommodation, *you* are not making waves, you are just avoiding the issues they refuse to mitigate.

Strongly POD.

SIL's behavior unfortunately seems very hostile.  Don't play her games any more.  She may claim to your brother that there will be many food options, and then when you get there it will be the same old thing.  Don't play any more of her games.  Her heart is more than two sizes too small.

[SamiHami]

"Sure, SIL. I'm happy to kick in $50 for Christmas dinner! Since we are co-hosting, let's review the menu. Remember, we must make sure that there are plenty of GF options for DH and DD."

If she refuses then I would ask her why you would be expected to pay $50 for a meal your family cannot partake in.

And if she does agree, yet still serves only foods containing gluten, I would gather up the family---right there from the dinner table--and say, "SIL, you and I discussed having gluten free options in detail. This is a medical requirement for DH and DD1. I don't understand your refusal to make such a simple accommodation for your own family members. We will be leaving now. Enjoy your meal."

[thunderroad]

I believe you have every right to require that your SIL either prepare, or allow you to bring, sufficient GF food so that your husband and daughter not only have enough to eat safely, but feel as if they too are welcome members of the family whose well-being, comfort, and happiness are important.  And considering the lack of knowledge and consideration she has displayed about this in the past, I think you are much safer bringing the food yourself, or skipping dinner.

I simply cannot accept any excuses from a close relative who refuses to take simple steps to safeguard the health of a family member in these circumstances.  And yes, I do know what is involved -- our family does it all the time.  We have one with celiac, vegetarians, diabetics, people who are lactose intolerant, and one with a raging shrimp allergy who will eat the shrimp anyway if we put it on the holiday table.  We have kids who like plain food, adults who are dying for the somewhat fancy foods we only make at the holidays, and men who just want meat.  And everyone has a favorite dessert.

We manage to keep those with health issues safe (the vegetarians have been meatless for so long that they would get really ill if we snuck meat in any of the meatless dishes), and to make everyone happy without going crazy.  Yes, I know the preferences aren't as important as the health issues, but it all works out. 

A holiday meal is special because it is a time to express our love and caring for each other.  Somehow saying that "she can find something to eat, I suppose", or whatever the SIL's version is, just doesn't cut it. 

Go ahead and make a fuss. 

[Danismom]

I suggest that you discuss this with BOTH bro and SIL.  While SIL insists that bro be the primary contact for all things related to his family, the message being sent is that her family is the priority while yours is simply tolerated (not even accommodated!).  With SIL present, spell out the specific accommodations that DD and DH need: Ham needs to be plated separately from gluten items (or at least enough for the two affected), coleslaw either needs to be GF or enough for the two needs to be set aside before adding dressing.  Same kinds of things for the entire meal.  Write down the needs and spell them out very clearly.  Then also make it clear that SIL can either make the easy accommodations and you will be glad to contribute or you can eat at home or bring all the GF items you will be needing to her party.

It sounds like DH's entire family has been b-listed by SIL in the way she functions and communicates.

[JenJay]

Your SIL is being absolutely ridiculous. Why can't she allow your DH to serve himself and your DD first before she dumps dressing and gravy and stuffing and whatever on all the food? If you want to go to the dinner tell her you can either hand over $50 with the understanding that she will accommodate the GF diets to a reasonable extent OR you can put the $50 toward providing your own food, but not both. If you don't mind eating at home and joining them later for dessert, do that!