Christmas brouhaha - help me keep my temper (a bit long)

[Roe]

I'm pretty upset on your DD's and Dh's behalf.  I think both you and your SIL are being very unfair to both of them. 

[Kiara]

I'm with Roe.  Bringing dressing won't matter.  I'd bet money the salads will be dressed already when you get there.  I'd wager a little less money that the chicken get contaminated somehow too.  So DD and DH get chicken for Christmas and scavenge for the rest under the best case.  If I was your DD, I'd be wondering why on earth we're going, and I'd be very hurt.

I don't see why you have to go for dinner.  You're cooking most of your dinner at this point, so there's not much more work to stay home.  Go afterwards, and that way they get to see you.   (And takes away the "But we won't get to see you!" card.)

[anonymousmac]

Update: I contacted DB last night and asked for clarification on the issue. The reply that I got said "Oh no! We only meant if they want anything special they should bring it. We've got plenty of gf food for them to have for a normal meal - ham and chicken and salads". Which is what they always have, with the non gf dressing and the non gf chicken 

In case it's cluelessness, at least on your brother's side, I think it might be worth explicitly saying to him: "The chicken and ham and salads always end up not being gluten-free, because of the stuffing and the salad dressing.  Last year DH had to try to pick meat off the bone in the kitchen because no one would listen when we tried to keep the platter from being contaminated, and he and DD got almost nothing to eat.  This keeps happening, and I'd rather not keep going through that every year."

If SIL and your brother can keep claiming to believe that they're serving gluten-free food, then they can act as if they don't know what your problem is.  I would try making it really explicit:  the food is not gluten-free, and DH and DD will have nothing to eat.  Ask them explicitly:  is there something that is going to be different about this year, to reassure you it won't keep happening, or should you just eat at home and join them later?

[Petticoats]

Update: I contacted DB last night and asked for clarification on the issue. The reply that I got said "Oh no! We only meant if they want anything special they should bring it. We've got plenty of gf food for them to have for a normal meal - ham and chicken and salads". Which is what they always have, with the non gf dressing and the non gf chicken 

In case it's cluelessness, at least on your brother's side, I think it might be worth explicitly saying to him: "The chicken and ham and salads always end up not being gluten-free, because of the stuffing and the salad dressing.  Last year DH had to try to pick meat off the bone in the kitchen because no one would listen when we tried to keep the platter from being contaminated, and he and DD got almost nothing to eat.  This keeps happening, and I'd rather not keep going through that every year."

If SIL and your brother can keep claiming to believe that they're serving gluten-free food, then they can act as if they don't know what your problem is.  I would try making it really explicit:  the food is not gluten-free, and DH and DD will have nothing to eat.  Ask them explicitly:  is there something that is going to be different about this year, to reassure you it won't keep happening, or should you just eat at home and join them later?

This. I think you need to challenge that blithe, vague reassurance of your brother's with concrete details, questions, and facts. Maybe it's cluelessness on his side but willful disregard on his wife's.

[Xallanthia]

I'd make a list of what was not GF about the previous meal, and how easy it is to alter it to be accomodating.

I wouldn't expect GF rolls or stuffing, but I would expect stuffing cooked separate from the bird and perhaps minor modifications to other dishes (like, plan ahead so your gravy can cook down to the right consistency without adding flour to thicken it).

My husband has been eating a gluten-low diet to help handle his stomach problems so I'm quite familiar with what needs to be changed/accomodated.  I've been sitting here thinking about it, and I realized that I could make a My Family holiday dinner GF (except for rolls and stuffing), with only one special ingredient--one of our casseroles would require a few Tbsp of some kind of GF flour.  A Hubby's Family holiday dinner would be harder--they have more traditional Southern casseroles, with crackers and the like--but it could be done, at least for a few dishes.  Not making accomodations like "buy X brand dressing instead of Y brand" is absolutely ridiculous, especially when X and Y brands are similarly priced.

[DavidH]

I think the first thing is to talk directly with SIL and explain just what you said here about how challenging her choices are and how easily some of the things could be made gluten free.  If you are in a giving mood, offer to buy her an extra serving platter so that the ham can be plated separately. 

Involving your brother in the discussion is just adding another layer and making it more complex.  If she agrees after you talk to her, take her at her word, go and see what happens.  If not, then say that you won't be coming or any of the options suggested for bringing your own food. 

[Iris]

Update: I contacted DB last night and asked for clarification on the issue. The reply that I got said "Oh no! We only meant if they want anything special they should bring it. We've got plenty of gf food for them to have for a normal meal - ham and chicken and salads". Which is what they always have, with the non gf dressing and the non gf chicken 

In case it's cluelessness, at least on your brother's side, I think it might be worth explicitly saying to him: "The chicken and ham and salads always end up not being gluten-free, because of the stuffing and the salad dressing.  Last year DH had to try to pick meat off the bone in the kitchen because no one would listen when we tried to keep the platter from being contaminated, and he and DD got almost nothing to eat.  This keeps happening, and I'd rather not keep going through that every year."

That was pretty much what I was going to say, but without the second sentence (nothing wrong with it, just not my style). I will follow it up with concrete measures that will make me feel happy and less anxious that anything can go wrong. Honestly, I would rather bring a chicken and salad dressing - salad dressing is easier because there is one mainstream brand that is always GF so instead of having to say "Read the label" I can just say "Buy Kraft".

As for them putting different salad dressing on before we get there - that wouldn't happen. SIL is not evil just (I think) self centred (?) on this particular issue - as I said, she loves DD but I just don't think she'll go to any extra 'effort' for her. Yet she'll sit and chat to her for hours and is one of DD's favourite people. I don't understand what seems a double standard to me, and it frustrates me and makes me angry at times, but no matter how many times people say "Well clearly she doesn't REALLY love your DD" all I can do is reiterate that yes, she does, and has proven it many times. She just has very very weird ideas about what constitutes adequate hosting - she'll put in a lot of effort, but it has to all be done in an exact certain way and if you want to change it from that exact certain way then it's TOO HARD. It's almost like a form of anxiety.

Anyway, I'm not going to speculate on motives, I'm going to focus on finding a way to make the meal right for DD and DH. I might get to catch up with her on Saturday I hope, so I'll let you know how it goes.

[rigs32]

If I were you, I would have replied to your brother as follows:

Bro, you and SIL said the same thing last year, but then non-GF dressings were used and the GF food was plated with the non-GF food meaning that DH and DD couldn't eat anything.  This has happened at many family events now and it breaks my heart everything my daughter can't eat anything at our family meals on holidays.  We need to work this out so that everyone can eat.

[doodlemor]

Iris, I think that I already posted several times before this, but your thread keeps drawing me back.

I just finished reading the Wikipedia entry on coeliac disease.  This is not just some little quirk in people's heads.  This is a real condition, which thankfully can be well controlled by diet. 

Didn't you say that your SIL is a nurse?  She should understand this.  I think that your brother is rather clueless, that he looks to her to deal with family and probably friendships, too.

You mentioned other reasons why you don't often socialize with these people.  I am very sorry to say this, Iris, but I think that SIL doesn't really want your family at these dinners.  I really think that SIL wants to do the holiday with her family only. 

You are the one obviously in the right here, and trying to maintain family harmony.  Most people married to your brother would be delighted to have you for a SIL/great friend.  You are an exceptionally good person, worthy of better treatment than you and your family have received from SIL.

I believe you when you say that she has a great friendship with DD.  I have known people, though, who go out of their way to charm others when it is to their own benefit.  I can see SIL wanting DD to love her dear aunt, to enhance her importance in the family.

A holiday meal is really a big deal to many people, a wonderful feast of things that we don't eat day to day, and luscious desserts.  Your SIL's behavior is unconscionable.  I can't imagine watching everyone else eat a holiday dinner, and basically being able to gnaw on the bones only.  [Okay, I'm exaggerating here.]  I feel so sorry for DH and DD having to watch others eat delicious stuff, and going hungry.

This is especially egregious when one considers how easy it is to cook without gluten.  It would be so simple for SIL to accommodate your husband and daughter.  She just doesn't want to make the effort.  Anyone with a gram of decency could cook an entire GF holiday dinner, and it would be so delicious that no one would even notice the difference.

I'm in agreement with the PP who say that you should have your own dinner at home, and then go to SIL's.  You could take a GF dessert if you want, but it would be nice if your family had dessert at home, too, so that you are not dependent on SIL for anything.  Right now she is basically pulling your strings, as held by your brother. 

Don't play her games anymore, don't give her any power over you.  Disengage quietly so as not to cause any family drama.  If she tries at  some point to make it all up it will be a pleasant surprise.

[Danismom]

I think SIL may care for DD but has decided that preparing and plating her food in a certain way is more important than DD's and DH's ability to consumer the food.  That is not a loving gesture.  I think it is time you spelled things out for her in clear and certain terms. 
"SIL, I know you and DD are close and that you love her.  We'd like to be able to attend holiday meals and other events that you host.  The problem that we are having is that the food as it has been served is not GF and DD and DH cannot eat it.  We understand that you may not be willing to accommodate their needs for Christmas.  They need xyz (meat plated separately from stuffing, Kraft salad dressings used, etc).  Is that something you can accommodate this year or do we need to eat at home before coming to visit later in the day?"

It may seem like a threat but really, you are giving her clear options and alternatives.  It comes down to her choice.  She can prepare everything the way her family likes it or she can have you guys present.  Act like you don't care which option she chooses because you are good either way.  Then let her decide what is more important to her -- DH and DD's presence or the way she puts out the meal.

[Fleur-de-Lis]

I completely agree with Doodlemor.

[Dragons 8 Cactus]

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))) Iris.

I do believe she does very much Love your DD

Please let us know how the 'chat' goes.

[Roe]

I'm going to assume that she does love your DD very much.  After all, you know her...we don't.  However, from your description, it really doesn't sound like it.

If she really does love your daughter and again, let's say she does, then she can be one of those persons when on a one-to-one basis, is great.  But you add others in the mix (her family) and you pretty much become second fiddle.  In other words, her family's well-being and happiness come first.  And your daughter's issues second. 

I can't imagine she would react the same if her parents had the same disease.  Of course, I don't know her so she might but then I'd blame the parents for putting up with it. 

That's where I'm at with this situation.  You've been shown, over and over again...for years on end, that your DD and Dh's issues aren't her priority and yet you continue to attend.  There's not much I can do with that as I can't even begin to wrap my brain about someone purposely hurting my child while I continue to let it happen.  Maybe that's unfair but from your description, that's pretty much what it seems like to me.

[Twik]

I think it's clear that SIL and DB have an agenda. I don't know for sure what it is, but it's present. You cannot trust them to provide gluten-free food, because doing so is against that agenda.

I would bring a salad as well as the dressing, and the chicken. Then, I would NOT allow ham or anything else to be "added to the platter". That is the excuse they will use to add gluten-contaminated material to the food.

You cannot deal with this by thinking of them as people who just don't understand, and would comply if they did. They are actively going to try to sabotage you, and you need to take steps to prevent that. If they get offended, so what? In your shoes, I would be LIVIDLY offended already.

[NyaChan]

Hi Iris

I was reading through the thread, and one thought really struck me so I thought I'd share -

I know in family situations it can be really uncomfortable to rock the boat or risk hurting the feelings of someone you care about and who cares for you in return.  But when I was a kid on the receiving end of the repetitive thoughtlessness or even meanness of a relative, my parents in what I believe was an effort to be polite or not make a fuss made little effort to stand up for me/rectify the situation.  All I could think was "How can my own parents watch this happen year after year and not step up to make sure I'm treated properly by others or failing that, take care of it themselves?  I didn't see much information about how your DD feels about the situation, and maybe it isn't even an issue for her.  However, it might be useful to try to think of it in terms of how she might feel when she arrives at dinner, finds herself unable to eat much on multiple occasions, and then sees no one make an effective change on her behalf.

Again, may not be an issue for her at all (I might be oversensitive after my experiences). I hope it all works out for you and your family!