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Friends behaving badly in public - etiquette

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kingsrings:
Okay, this concerns the etiquette of when your friends behave badly in public. This happened to me a few nights ago. A group of friends and I had made plans to go out to dinner for NY Eve's, and it was a large group, reserved table kind of deal. I invited another friend of mine who didn't know any of these other people as she didn't have any plans. Everything was going fine at the dinner when I happened to overhear a cell phone call she was making to her brother-inviting him to come join us! She hadn't mentioned this at all to any of us, and not only that, but our table was completely full and there was no way we could of added someone on. I feel that this was extremely rude and inconsiderate of her to do, especially considering that she didn't know any of my other friends at all. I ran interference on this and politely explained the situation to her. She got very angry at me, told me that I was being rude and insensitive, and got up and stormed out of the restaurant, right in front of everyone. I followed her and tried to talk to her, but she remained very angry and refused to talk anymore about it. This was so embarrassing!! My friends were totally shocked and confused about this and were wondering just what was wrong with this girl whom they had never met. They were very polite and understanding about it, though.

So, my question is, was I correct in running interference on this? Or should I of just let her invite her brother and let her take the fall for it when he arrived and there was no seating for him? I din't want to do this because we were expecting some late arrivals, and then they wouldn't have a place to sit if her brother joined us. I just felt responsible for it too because I had invited her and none of my other friends knew who she was. Plus, I always feel compelled to speak up when someone is doing something rude and inconsiderate to others. Also, should I of apologized to my friends for what she did? I felt kind of responsible, just because I was the one who invited her along, even though I didn't think she would pull that crap.

Gileswench:
Since there literally was no room at the inn, I think you needed to say something. After all, she was trying to invite guests of her own to someone else's party, which always requires at least asking those hosting before sending out the invite. It would have been far more rude to wait for her brother to appear and then tell him there was no way to accomodate him. He had no way of knowing (unless she told him) that nobody else knew he was being asked to come.

Knowing your way of posting here, I would assume that you told her no in the gentlest way you could get it across. Therefore I can only assume that her reaction was well out of line. She may have been feeling a little out of the loop being the only stranger in a group of close friends, but there are ways of dealing with that feeling that don't involve making phone calls at the table, inviting more people to an already full-up event, lecturing polite people on manners and then storming out.

If you wish to continue the friendship, call or email your friend in a day or two and try to find out what prompted this really quite vulgar behavior. OTOH, if you don't want to know her socially anymore, you won't get any arguments from me.

Lisbeth:
I think speaking up was the correct thing to do.

Your friend was invited to join you; thus it was not appropriate for her to invite others.  (Whether there was room for the others isn't really relevant, although if you were willing to include others, that would have been gracious of you, though not required.)

I assume that you didn't engage in shouting, name-calling, or scene-making yourself.  If you had, I think others with you would have had the right to intervene.

FoxPaws:
You were trying to prevent an awkward situation from occurring.

It is not OK to invite others to an event where you are a guest without clearing it with the host/coordinator for exactly the reason you were concerned about (not having enough places). Your friend was really nervy to do what she did, and I suspect the reason she flew off the handle was to cover her own embarrassment at being called on it.

The only case I can think of where an apology might be in order is if she had damaged something of the host's or directly insulted one of the other attendees. Otherwise, friend is an adult - completely responsible for her own behavior and the consequences resulting from it. You were trying to prevent her from looking like a boor, and she ended up making an even bigger fool of herself.

You handled everything just fine and I hope this didn't ruin your evening.

Hawkwatcher:
I think that it all depends on what you said to her.  If you told her "I am sorry but we are expecting other guests and I am afraid that there will be no room for your brother" I think that you are probably fine.  Indeed, notifying her that you would not have room for her brother is far more polite then letting him brave New Year's Eve traffic to attend a dinner and then find out that there was no room for him once he arrived. 

If you made any comments about how rude she was for inviting him or if you tried to lecture her on etiquette then she would probably have a legitimate complaint, which she should have expressed in a more mature manner.  In any case, she behaved badly by not asking you if it was okay to invite her brother and by storming out of the restaurant.

Although I think that it was perfectly acceptable to apologize once to your friends for having witnessed that scene, I do not think that you should feel too bad about this incident.  Your emotional "friend" is an adult and she is responsible for her own actions.  The only person you are responsible for controlling is yourself and your minor children (if you have any).  However, I would think twice about inviting this woman again.

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