Friends behaving badly in public - etiquette

[kingsrings]

Okay, this concerns the etiquette of when your friends behave badly in public. This happened to me a few nights ago. A group of friends and I had made plans to go out to dinner for NY Eve's, and it was a large group, reserved table kind of deal. I invited another friend of mine who didn't know any of these other people as she didn't have any plans. Everything was going fine at the dinner when I happened to overhear a cell phone call she was making to her brother-inviting him to come join us! She hadn't mentioned this at all to any of us, and not only that, but our table was completely full and there was no way we could of added someone on. I feel that this was extremely rude and inconsiderate of her to do, especially considering that she didn't know any of my other friends at all. I ran interference on this and politely explained the situation to her. She got very angry at me, told me that I was being rude and insensitive, and got up and stormed out of the restaurant, right in front of everyone. I followed her and tried to talk to her, but she remained very angry and refused to talk anymore about it. This was so embarrassing!! My friends were totally shocked and confused about this and were wondering just what was wrong with this girl whom they had never met. They were very polite and understanding about it, though.

So, my question is, was I correct in running interference on this? Or should I of just let her invite her brother and let her take the fall for it when he arrived and there was no seating for him? I din't want to do this because we were expecting some late arrivals, and then they wouldn't have a place to sit if her brother joined us. I just felt responsible for it too because I had invited her and none of my other friends knew who she was. Plus, I always feel compelled to speak up when someone is doing something rude and inconsiderate to others. Also, should I of apologized to my friends for what she did? I felt kind of responsible, just because I was the one who invited her along, even though I didn't think she would pull that crap.

[Gileswench]

Since there literally was no room at the inn, I think you needed to say something. After all, she was trying to invite guests of her own to someone else's party, which always requires at least asking those hosting before sending out the invite. It would have been far more rude to wait for her brother to appear and then tell him there was no way to accomodate him. He had no way of knowing (unless she told him) that nobody else knew he was being asked to come.

Knowing your way of posting here, I would assume that you told her no in the gentlest way you could get it across. Therefore I can only assume that her reaction was well out of line. She may have been feeling a little out of the loop being the only stranger in a group of close friends, but there are ways of dealing with that feeling that don't involve making phone calls at the table, inviting more people to an already full-up event, lecturing polite people on manners and then storming out.

If you wish to continue the friendship, call or email your friend in a day or two and try to find out what prompted this really quite vulgar behavior. OTOH, if you don't want to know her socially anymore, you won't get any arguments from me.

[Lisbeth]

I think speaking up was the correct thing to do.

Your friend was invited to join you; thus it was not appropriate for her to invite others.  (Whether there was room for the others isn't really relevant, although if you were willing to include others, that would have been gracious of you, though not required.)

I assume that you didn't engage in shouting, name-calling, or scene-making yourself.  If you had, I think others with you would have had the right to intervene.

[FoxPaws]

You were trying to prevent an awkward situation from occurring.

It is not OK to invite others to an event where you are a guest without clearing it with the host/coordinator for exactly the reason you were concerned about (not having enough places). Your friend was really nervy to do what she did, and I suspect the reason she flew off the handle was to cover her own embarrassment at being called on it.

The only case I can think of where an apology might be in order is if she had damaged something of the host's or directly insulted one of the other attendees. Otherwise, friend is an adult - completely responsible for her own behavior and the consequences resulting from it. You were trying to prevent her from looking like a boor, and she ended up making an even bigger fool of herself.

You handled everything just fine and I hope this didn't ruin your evening.

[Hawkwatcher]

I think that it all depends on what you said to her.  If you told her "I am sorry but we are expecting other guests and I am afraid that there will be no room for your brother" I think that you are probably fine.  Indeed, notifying her that you would not have room for her brother is far more polite then letting him brave New Year's Eve traffic to attend a dinner and then find out that there was no room for him once he arrived. 

If you made any comments about how rude she was for inviting him or if you tried to lecture her on etiquette then she would probably have a legitimate complaint, which she should have expressed in a more mature manner.  In any case, she behaved badly by not asking you if it was okay to invite her brother and by storming out of the restaurant.

Although I think that it was perfectly acceptable to apologize once to your friends for having witnessed that scene, I do not think that you should feel too bad about this incident.  Your emotional "friend" is an adult and she is responsible for her own actions.  The only person you are responsible for controlling is yourself and your minor children (if you have any).  However, I would think twice about inviting this woman again.

[kingsrings]

making phone calls at the table, inviting more people to an already full-up event, lecturing polite people on manners and then storming out.

If you wish to continue the friendship, call or email your friend in a day or two and try to find out what prompted this really quite vulgar behavior. OTOH, if you don't want to know her socially anymore, you won't get any arguments from me.

I don't think that would do any good. For some reason, she saw what I did as a direct insult towards her brother, and she got angry over someone disrespecting her beloved brother. Hello?? My friend is just kind of weird. One minute she's a nice and wonderful friend, the next minute she is doing something totally rude and inconsiderate. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde. I've made up my mind that I'm speaking up when she does something wrong, and now I guess she doesn't like that. I would be very sorry to see this friendship
end because she is one of the few people I do things with regularly, but one the other hand, I'm not going to let someone treat me like that.

[kingsrings]

You handled everything just fine and I hope this didn't ruin your evening.

It was very disheartening because this was an event that I had been looking forward to for a while, and I was really happy that my friend was joining us. I wasn't expecting anything but a really good time had by all, so it was definintely a big shock when she flipped out like that. Life sure does get unpredictable sometimes, doesn't it? But no, I didn't let it completely put a damper on my evening. My other friends were really good at consoling me and letting me know that it wasn't my fault at all, and I enjoyed the other activites we did later.

[Chocolate Cake]

One minute she's a nice and wonderful friend, the next minute she is doing something totally rude and inconsiderate. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.

With a friend like this......(you know the old saying)

If there is one thing I can't abide it's people with a mercurial personality.  Not knowing who "I'm gonna get" each time would drive me nuts and I truly couldn't be around someone like that.

Perhaps it's time you decide to be more discriminatory about who you allow in your life?

[kingsrings]

One minute she's a nice and wonderful friend, the next minute she is doing something totally rude and inconsiderate. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.

With a friend like this......(you know the old saying)

If there is one thing I can't abide it's people with a mercurial personality.  Not knowing who "I'm gonna get" each time would drive me nuts and I truly couldn't be around someone like that.

Perhaps it's time you decide to be more discriminatory about who you allow in your life?

Yeah, they're called "frenemies", heh. Got that saying from 'Sex and the City'. The older I get, the less and less tolerance I have for such a personality. But then we have really great times together too, and I've been a big help to her in handling problems in her life, so I don't know if I want to just end the friendship. Perhaps we can just 'take a break' from each other once in a while when the going gets tough.

[Bijou]

Okay, this concerns the etiquette of when your friends behave badly in public. This happened to me a few nights ago. A group of friends and I had made plans to go out to dinner for NY Eve's, and it was a large group, reserved table kind of deal. I invited another friend of mine who didn't know any of these other people as she didn't have any plans. Everything was going fine at the dinner when I happened to overhear a cell phone call she was making to her brother-inviting him to come join us! She hadn't mentioned this at all to any of us, and not only that, but our table was completely full and there was no way we could of added someone on. I feel that this was extremely rude and inconsiderate of her to do, especially considering that she didn't know any of my other friends at all. I ran interference on this and politely explained the situation to her. She got very angry at me, told me that I was being rude and insensitive, and got up and stormed out of the restaurant, right in front of everyone. I followed her and tried to talk to her, but she remained very angry and refused to talk anymore about it. This was so embarrassing!! My friends were totally shocked and confused about this and were wondering just what was wrong with this girl whom they had never met. They were very polite and understanding about it, though.

So, my question is, was I correct in running interference on this? Or should I of just let her invite her brother and let her take the fall for it when he arrived and there was no seating for him? I din't want to do this because we were expecting some late arrivals, and then they wouldn't have a place to sit if her brother joined us. I just felt responsible for it too because I had invited her and none of my other friends knew who she was. Plus, I always feel compelled to speak up when someone is doing something rude and inconsiderate to others. Also, should I of apologized to my friends for what she did? I felt kind of responsible, just because I was the one who invited her along, even though I didn't think she would pull that crap.

Maybe she thought that once she was invited she was a part of the core group and could invite someone if she wanted to do so (as you had invited her).  She was wrong, of course, and shouldn't have invited anyone without checking with you, first. 

[MsEva]

One minute she's a nice and wonderful friend, the next minute she is doing something totally rude and inconsiderate. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.

With a friend like this......(you know the old saying)

...um, you get two friends for the price of one?? <ducks and runs>

[kingsrings]

One minute she's a nice and wonderful friend, the next minute she is doing something totally rude and inconsiderate. Kind of like Jekyll and Hyde.

With a friend like this......(you know the old saying)

...um, you get two friends for the price of one?? <ducks and runs>

  Perhaps if we ever speak again and she invites me somewhere, I can ask which of her personalities will be joining us before I accept or decline.

[sammycat]

Is this friend apt to being a drama queen?  She behaved badly, both in inviting another person to join your party without clearing it with anyone first, and by storming out as she did.

About a year ago I had to cut a friend out of my life.  She was someone I could have fun with, as you have said you do with this friend, but on the other hand I also wasn't sure which side of her I was going to meet that day either.  There's a lot more to it than that, but my point is, the toxic side of her really began to outweigh the fun times we had together.  My life has been so much less stressful since cutting her out.

Has your friend contacted you yet?  PLEASE don't fall into a trap of apologising to her; she is the one who owes you an apology.

[EvilAlice]

Also, should I of apologized to my friends for what she did? I felt kind of responsible, just because I was the one who invited her along, even though I didn't think she would pull that crap.

It couldn't hurt.  They didn't know her at all, you were the one responsible for inviting her and putting the "turd in the punchbowl", so to speak.

There is just something about some people- I've known people like this too, who seem fine one on one, then you get them in a group setting and everything just falls apart.  I don't know if it's some weird social anxiety, or total lack of social skills, or what.  This was one thing when I was 10 but now as an adult, I expect other adults to know themselves.  If they act like total idiots in group situations, it's really on them to know they can't handle this and avoid the situation. 

Playing "what's wrong with Michelle" gets really really old, especially when "Michelle" is sort of thrown at you to handle, like she was to your grownup friends.

[kingsrings]

I really don't know what to do at this point. She can be a really great person and a great friend to have. I have also been there for her in some really rough times and given her some good advice that has helped her. Then all of a sudden sometimes she will just totally switch to Dr. Jekyll and do something totally rude and inconsiderate, such as in this case. And she doesn't seem to realize that it is rude and inconsiderate. She's doing whatever she wants, and to heck with everything else, at least that is what I feel she thinks. I don't want her out of my life because I have really enjoyed and cherished the good times we have had together. She lives in my apt. complex, and we have a lot of fun together doing stuff on a whim because we live in the same place. I don't have a lot of friends like that, so I'd be lonely. But yet I don't like being treated like she does sometimes. It also makes it rough because we are in the same social circle, so we will have to see each other again at those functions. I guess we could just quietly ignore each other without it affecting anyone, because I don't want to draw them into this mess, although I'm tempted to vent to them so they know what she is really like. The only solution I've done is to speak out and let her know that she's wrong when she does crap like this. But again, what she did is her reaction.

Don't worry, I am absolutely NOT apologizing to her for this. I will not stoop that low and do that when I did nothing wrong.