Friends behaving badly in public - etiquette

[kingsrings]

Also, should I of apologized to my friends for what she did? I felt kind of responsible, just because I was the one who invited her along, even though I didn't think she would pull that crap.

It couldn't hurt.  They didn't know her at all, you were the one responsible for inviting her and putting the "turd in the punchbowl", so to speak.

There is just something about some people- I've known people like this too, who seem fine one on one, then you get them in a group setting and everything just falls apart.  I don't know if it's some weird social anxiety, or total lack of social skills, or what.  This was one thing when I was 10 but now as an adult, I expect other adults to know themselves.  If they act like total idiots in group situations, it's really on them to know they can't handle this and avoid the situation. 

Playing "what's wrong with Michelle" gets really really old, especially when "Michelle" is sort of thrown at you to handle, like she was to your grownup friends.

My friend is a really outgoing, friendly person who thinks nothing of being in a group of people she doesn't know, so that can't be the case. Plus my other friends are really nice, welcoming people, and I told her that. I don't think she was freaked out at being the only unknown there, unless she got suddenly that way and invited her brother along as moral support. But like you said, that is not a good excuse.
Needless to say, she will never be invited to any more activities with that group of friends.

[DollyPond]

There is just something about some people- I've known people like this too, who seem fine one on one, then you get them in a group setting and everything just falls apart.  I don't know if it's some weird social anxiety, or total lack of social skills, or what.

Last night I attended a rather "ritzy" dinner as the representative of an organization to which I belong.  I could have invited Friend to attend as well but did not because I can never predict her behavior.  She has a bad habit of blurting out inappropriate, sexually oriented comments at the most embarrasing times.  Her husband does the same thing and I really believe that she thinks it's the "cool" thing to do (i.e. she's so sexually sophisticated!!??).  In any case, sooner or later she'll find out that I did not ask her to come along and will be miffed mainly because there was free food to be had (This is the person who I introduced on the old boards as a major food moocher - usually off of senior citizens).  Hopefully, it will start to sink in that if you can't behave, no one wants to invite you along.

Dolly

[kingsrings]

You have every right not to invite her along, being that this is related to an organization that you belong to in which you are a representative. That has to do with a lot more than just socially embarrassing (as in my case), so I don't blame you a bit for refusing to invite her along. People like our two friends would probably call us stuck-up, elitist, or snobby for saying this, but behaving appropriately for the environment and having good manners have nothing to with being snobby. And now I have that Hank Williams song, "I've Got Friends in Low Places" (or whatever the title is) going through my head. Heh.

[minnaloushe]

A group of friends and I had made plans to go out to dinner for NY Eve's, and it was a large group, reserved table kind of deal. I invited another friend of mine who didn't know any of these other people as she didn't have any plans.

You know what they say, No good deed goes unpunished.

Recently an old friend turned 40 (we'll call her "the mom").  Her DD called up a mutual friend and told friend that she wanted to throw a party for her mom and wanted us there but would call back later with the details. So we waited and waited and nothing ever came of it. 

Later I decided since nothing was happening, and it was Thanksgiving, I'd invite the mom and DD, along with the other friend over for dinner, and give the mom a little gift at that time.  Invitations we're issued and then the day before Thanksgiving the mom calls up and asks, since it was her Birthday, if she could invite her DD's friend along.  I hadn't said anything about her birthday yet, and was quite surprised at the audacity, but put on my best E-hellion voice and told her that "just wouldn't be possible." She whined and wheedled but I stuck to my guns (it really wouldn't be possible - my apartment is tiny, and she knows it).

They came and didn't bring the extra guest but behaved terribly all night.  The following week the mom called our mutual friend to complain about my not allowing her DD's friend to join us. Friend expalined that DD had actually invited US, but never followed through, and that if DD wanted to invite people to a party she should have thrown it herself.  We would have been more than happy to help, and as it was, I went out of my way to provide a vegan thanksgiving dinner for them. The mom said she'd talk to her DD, but I haven't heard a peep out of either of them since that night (and that's October for all you non-Canadians). I've learned my lesson!

At least in your case you only ended up with one embarrassed person, rather than the two you would have had if her brother had shown up.

[goblue2539]

Perhaps we can just 'take a break' from each other once in a while when the going gets tough.

Believe it or not, this is possible.  I have one friend that I love dearly, but I've done this twice now (within a 5 year period).  Both times it was to make clear that our lives do NOT revolve around each other, and that I'm her friend because I choose to be, not because I have to be.  If that seems like something that will work for you, I wish you luck.  Staying strong was sometimes the hardest part, because a little bit of me just wanted to make it all better.  Realize that in a situation like that, there is no making it better. 

Oh, and "Friends In Low Places" is Garth Brooks.  Was that the song, or was it "All my Rowdy Friends (Are Comin Over Tonight)"?

[kingsrings]

At least in your case you only ended up with one embarrassed person, rather than the two you would have had if her brother had shown up.

Exactly. I was trying to prevent her brother from being embarrassed, and most importantly, trying to prevent my late-arriving friends from not having a seat at the table because her uninvited brother had shown up. My friends would of been put in a very uncomfortable position. My rude friend kept telling me that I shouldn't of worried about it, that it was 'all on her', but no, I invited her along, so it was partly on me as well. And I wasn't about to see my beloved friends be put in such a position.

In the cases of my friends and yours, I just can't understand why some people can get so bent out of shape because they can't tack on their own invitites to the invites that they receive. The nerve of them! My friend seemed to think it was okay because said person was her brother, and took it as a personal insult against her brother when she was refused.

[kingsrings]

Perhaps we can just 'take a break' from each other once in a while when the going gets tough.

Believe it or not, this is possible.  I have one friend that I love dearly, but I've done this twice now (within a 5 year period).  Both times it was to make clear that our lives do NOT revolve around each other, and that I'm her friend because I choose to be, not because I have to be.  If that seems like something that will work for you, I wish you luck.  Staying strong was sometimes the hardest part, because a little bit of me just wanted to make it all better.  Realize that in a situation like that, there is no making it better. 

Oh, and "Friends In Low Places" is Garth Brooks.  Was that the song, or was it "All my Rowdy Friends (Are Comin Over Tonight)"?

My mother suggested that to me as well. She had a dear, life-long friendship like that (until the friend's death) with someone. One would do something to irk the other, and they would just take a break from each other, sometimes a few weeks, months, or a year or so. All in all though, they were very close and dear friends and it seemed to work out for them. I am just fine with having that kind of friendship with this girl. We can't discuss this out I feel because we have too many differences on what is acceptable or not. We would just end up arguing pointlessly over that. A break would be the best solution when these situations arise, as they have now and in the past. I don't know if taking a break every time is the answer for her, but I have no control over that. If not, then sadly, the friendship will be over. I sure hope not and I will grieve terribly if so, but it is what it is. I am not going to apologize needlessly just to save face.

[goblue2539]

Anytime you have to take a break from someone there's going to be the fear that it's a permanent break.  The only thing you can really do is let her know that you care for her and want to be her friend.  And then you don't have time for a while.  As you said about your mom and her friend, it might only be a week.  Or it could be as long as a year.  Go about your life and she'll find her place in it. 

[minnaloushe]

Oh, and "Friends In Low Places" is Garth Brooks.  Was that the song, or was it "All my Rowdy Friends (Are Comin Over Tonight)"?

I've got friends in low places:
Words and Music by Dewayne Blackwell and Earl Bud Lee

[minnaloushe]

My friend seemed to think it was okay because said person was her brother, and took it as a personal insult against her brother when she was refused.

And in my case it was her "almost daughter". Doesn't make it any easier for you though, does it!

[kingsrings]

Yeah, I guess everyone gets some kind of justification, don't they?? "But it's my father/mother/sister/brother/almost-(insert)family member/accountant/cat!!!"

[minnaloushe]

Yeah, I guess everyone gets some kind of justification, don't they?? "But it's my father/mother/sister/brother/almost-(insert)family member/accountant/cat!!!"

Hey, leave my cat out of this! She's purrfectly polite and wouldn't tolerate that kind of behaviour!