Author Topic: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal  (Read 7580 times)

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POF

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When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« on: December 04, 2011, 06:47:18 PM »
So - I am under lots of stress at work and my volunteer org is under going some drama as well.

this AM - DH and i are making breakfast and I am goofing off - mimicing one of the drama llamas in the group.  He turns to me and says in a nasty voice ... you are being really loud ... you are I to wake the kids ... they will think we are fighting....

Hmmm... OK 1) I wasn't that loud ..... and given that our house richotes with DH yelling during ball games and kids and their friends I was like Waaahhh

2) The kids are teens...  I could detonate a rocket

3) I am not allowed to be boisterous in my own house. ...

I told him how I felt and he said I was basically a loud mouth. ( not very nice at all )

I walked away and went to the gym.  I told him later that my feelings were hurt and he should apologize ... he used his standard response... oh I was just joking.  I tols him that he uses that cop out ALL the time and that it wasn't a joke and it was mean. He said .... it wasn't a big deal ... I said it was to me... I put up with a lot of things that I could start criticizing about you and I let it go ... I was just goofing .... but when I called you on it ... you defended your position and were nasty to me.

So - I went about my day and ignored him. he asked me tonight why I was quiet ... I told him that I was angry / hurt and he never apologized. He said that he did not think it was a big deal, but was sorry if I was upset.

I told him that was not an apology ... an apology is about the action you did and not about the other persons response. He then said I was being a jerk.

This has become my hill. He NEVER apologizes, NEVER.  He's never wrong and his actions are never inappropriate. Never.

So here we are .... he just wants it to go away, I want an apology ... he is not willing to give it. ....

Any suggestions .... Thanks

NestHolder

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2011, 07:03:58 PM »
For what it's worth, I think you're right.  It sounds as though he needs to learn to be more considerate of your feelings.  You were honest with him about what he did and what you needed from him, and he *still* didn't get it.  But I have no suggestions...

EmmaJ.

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2011, 09:10:44 PM »
I hate hate hate that response.  I get it all the time at work - "come on, we're laughing with you!".

Really?  I'm near tears and we're all laughing together?  Bah. 

I don't have an answer for you, just lots and lots of sympathy.

Sophia

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2011, 09:41:59 PM »
It is a good hill to stand on.

trailgrrl

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2011, 10:33:27 PM »
*Climbs up the hill and sets out two chairs and a bottle of wine*   Mind if I join you on your hill?  My husband does the same thing except throw in a "You USED to be able to take a joke".


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alkira6

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #5 on: December 04, 2011, 10:39:49 PM »
Jeeze, when did you get to be so serious?

grabs a glass and kicks back at the top of the hill.

'tis a nice view from this hill, methinks.

POF

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2011, 10:56:24 PM »
Thanks friends ... I feel so much better.

I told him that if he wanted to be a jerk, then he should man up and admit it and not hide behind its a joke.

I'm good on my hill.  I am basically ignoring him. he's a bit thick with interpersonal realtionships ... I might need a blanket.

I am done with it..... though.... I've warned him before that one day there will be the one thing that is going to damage our relationship beyond repair and it iwill probably be a little thing.

He can be a great guy, but his mother raised for of the most selfish people to ever walk the earth. They are truly unbelievable ( :Lakehouse Sally is his sister ).

No one in that family ever ever ever admits they are wrong or apologizes. my family has quick tempers and we can fly right off the handle... but if we are wrong ... we admit it and if we do wrong we admit it and try to learn from it.

I am not even upset or sad ... I just feel this quiet resolution.  I've tried to get him to go to counseling ... but he won't. I am thinking I will go for me after XMAS.
I feel like if he loved me, if i was important to him, then my feelings would be important to.... and they are not .... I've seen it over and over ....

Ok ..... I guess I get it now. ( remember this is one of many many many times that this sort of thing has happened. )


Thanks for listening.


Mental Magpie

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #7 on: December 05, 2011, 02:01:38 AM »
I'll bring back-up wine for the rest of the posters about to join the hill with us.

"I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings..."
"Well, do you tell someone you're sorry if you hurt their toe when you step on it?"
"I don't get it."
"It doesn't matter if you didn't mean to hurt me, you still did.  You'd apologize to someone for stepping on their foot but you won't apologize for putting me in tears.  I now know where we stand."

FTR, this was with ex-bf.  Dark Boyfriend (current bf) didn't take that much talking to.  He genuinely cares about me, he's just really daft sometimes.  He has the mindset of, "If I'm not wrong, I'm not going to apologize."  I had to tell him that apologizing doesn't make you wrong, it makes you caring.  He got it pretty quickly.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Iris

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #8 on: December 05, 2011, 02:54:22 AM »
I think this is a good hill to make your stand on. I've brought my esky with a variety of beverages  :)

DH took a long time to get this through his head and he still slips up sometimes. I wish I had some practical advice for you but it just took persistence, LOTS of persistence. He got into a crazy spiral where he could SEE that he was damaging our relationship with stupid, petty, have-to-be-right-edness but bizarrely his fear of damaging the relationship further just put him on edge and hence more likely to be a big feminine hygiene product.  ::)

"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Ceallach

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #9 on: December 05, 2011, 03:19:23 AM »
I would try to look at it from his perspective.  Is there a chance you were being a little too loud or annoying?  Is he under any particular stress at the moment that could have made him particularly irritable?  It doesn't make his behaviour ok, but it make help you to understand a little better.    Honestly, I find the "hill to die on" approach very ineffective. Usually there is some middle ground that can be found.  Also, if you had to choose would you rather  A) that he apologizes,  or B) that he changes his future behaviour and doesn't lash out so much next time?  Of course ideally you'd like both - but if I had to pick, I'd rather move forward than hold onto an unpleasant incident.  So instead of focusing on your need for an apology, would you consider focusing on explaining how he could have better communicated his feelings?  "I understand that you were annoyed with me this morning, but I did find it hurtful when you said I'm a loudmouth. I hope that's not really your opinion of me?"  which will hopefully lead to a productive dialogue. (If his answer is "Yes, you're a horrible loudmouth" then you've got a much bigger problem!)

I am a loud, talkative person myself so I do sympathize. I used to mimic a particular couple of colleagues that annoyed me, and DH and I had a similar exchange - it turns out he finds the "voice" I use particularly annoying, like fingers on a chalk board.  Now when I vent about those work stories I don't use that silly voice.  Of course, we only know this because although initially upset I calmed myself down enough to discuss it rationally, and although irritated he didn't lash out so far as to cause WWIII. But when people live under the same roof there will be clashes over things like this so finding a way to improve how you deal with it will be useful.  Just my 10c worth.   :)
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Nora

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #10 on: December 05, 2011, 04:42:40 AM »
It is a good hill to stand on.

Agreed. I'll bring a picknick basket.

*mumblemublecan'tevenapologizelikeanormalpersonmublemuble*
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Redsoil

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #11 on: December 05, 2011, 04:51:05 AM »
All I can say is if it's your "hill" then no-one has the right to take that away from you. 

You know how you feel, you know what you've dealt with, you know what the likely outcomes may be.  Have at it!  Sometimes it takes a rocket to mend a relationship - too often, one partner is comfortable with the status quo while the other suffers in silence.  Mutual respect is a big deal.  Being man enough to admit he hurt your feelings and to apologise for doing so?  That would go a long way towards mending the hurt.
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weeblewobble

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #12 on: December 05, 2011, 06:48:37 AM »
Basically, he needs to decide whether he wants to be right, or if he wants a wife who is assured that he values her feelings.  In a healthy relationship, both parties apologize.  Frequently. 

RandomAngel

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2011, 07:42:59 AM »
Funny, I just happened to read this Dear Abby this morning (it's the last letter): http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/?uc_full_date=20110405

Show it to him and explain that, if he honestly doesn't think your feelings were hurt, then he shouldn't apologize. If, on the other hand, he can see how his "joke" hurt you, then his apology can't include "but" or any synonym thereof, because that makes it meaningless.

Sometimes we give sincere-sounding apologies for things we don't think we actually did wrong in order to preserve the harmony of the relationship. But there's no middle ground in which "I'm going to say the words even though you have no right to them" is an acceptable thing to say out loud.

Nora

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #14 on: December 05, 2011, 08:18:04 AM »
Basically, he needs to decide whether he wants to be right, or if he wants a wife who is assured that he values her feelings.  In a healthy relationship, both parties apologize.  Frequently.

POD. Does he want to enjoy mutual respect, or does he just want to be a bully whenever he feels like it, without ever getting called on it? Can't have both!
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.