Author Topic: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal  (Read 7269 times)

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POF

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #15 on: December 05, 2011, 08:36:26 AM »
Basically, he needs to decide whether he wants to be right, or if he wants a wife who is assured that he values her feelings.  In a healthy relationship, both parties apologize.  Frequently.

and I do .... if I am snappy or mean or do something .... I'll apologize. I've taught my kids to do that .... his upbringing was you defend / deflect ... but never admit you are wrong. 

bopper

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #16 on: December 05, 2011, 02:04:02 PM »
This article might give you some ideas:

Ouch? No, no, let me explain.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8507_fft.html

RuthieCohen

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #17 on: December 05, 2011, 02:26:39 PM »
Any suggestions .... Thanks

Counseling.

If he has NEVER taken responsibility and apologized to you and take your feelings lightly AND you're upset about it, I'd say counseling is needed.

And I speak from experience.
« Last Edit: December 05, 2011, 02:28:22 PM by RuthieCohen »

WillyNilly

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #18 on: December 05, 2011, 02:28:41 PM »
And you've nailed why I am 35 and not married.  I have broken up with many an otherwise good guy for the failure to ever take personal responsibility.  My last ex actually went so far as to agree when i did/said (I forget the exact thing we were discussing) I was wrong and it was hurtful and I needed to change my behavior but when he did/said the very same thing it was ok, because, well he didn't have a reason beyond "it just is".  Even though he conceded it was the very same behavior.

I am now engaged and one of the biggest, most important things I love about my DF is that he apologizes and takes responsibility.  He's not perfect, and that's ok, because he recognizes it and takes ownership of his slip ups.

I do think Ceallach makes some very good points though.  As adults we do need to talk through issues, calmly and rationally.  And we all need to take some ownership, as almost no situation is totally one sided (for example, I would probably loose patience pretty darn quickly with someone kvetching about work during Sunday breakfast - too early and on a day off - not an ok time).

If however you have looked at your contributions to the whole exchange, and if you have tried discussing the issue with your DH, dig your heels into that hilltop because its a worthwhile cause.

DavidH

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #19 on: December 05, 2011, 02:48:27 PM »
The principle is great, but the example does not, to me, seem the hill to die on.  Sunday morning, grumping about work, mimicking someone annoying, is the quality of the apology for this really than important? Why not talk it through, see if he will improve, and then if there is no improvement with a more meaningful example, make that the hill. 

LeveeWoman

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #20 on: December 05, 2011, 03:00:03 PM »
The principle is great, but the example does not, to me, seem the hill to die on.  Sunday morning, grumping about work, mimicking someone annoying, is the quality of the apology for this really than important? Why not talk it through, see if he will improve, and then if there is no improvement with a more meaningful example, make that the hill.

Sometimes the last straw on the camel's back is very small but, the back is broken nonetheless.

POF

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #21 on: December 05, 2011, 03:03:36 PM »
The principle is great, but the example does not, to me, seem the hill to die on.  Sunday morning, grumping about work, mimicking someone annoying, is the quality of the apology for this really than important? Why not talk it through, see if he will improve, and then if there is no improvement with a more meaningful example, make that the hill.

We've talked this through a LOT and there are more meaningful examples... this might seem minor ... but it is the straw that broke the camels back. And he apologizes for NADA ... or if he does it is ... oooh h sorry you were upset .. with a meaning that I am somehow at fault for beng upset.


We were actually both grumping about work .... we work opposite shifts and Sunday AM is our talk about the week time - he likes to hear the drama of my group, I enjoy the crazed retail stories. We had both been cutting up about work and some and I was mimicing someone and all of sudden there is this harsh criticism that I am too loud and I might wake the kids. ( who are 12 and 14 )

So the issue wasn't the topic ... but rather that he felt I was too loud and boisterous. When I told him his scathing comments hurts my feelings ... his reponse was .. I was only joking ....
Thats the issue .... instead of saying .... yeah that was mean ... sorry .... he defended hs right to say it to me by saying something mean.

Reason

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #22 on: December 05, 2011, 04:56:28 PM »
First I should say he's totally in the wrong and needs to apologize for insulting you. That is not acceptable in any relationship.

Second, how long after work was it? If his work is stressful, have you considered giving him an hour or so to decompress and revert to his apparently normal, sweet, polite nature before engaging in fooling around/making noise etc? I know he should have better impulse control in general and should have never called you names or anything of the sort, but as I assume you love him perhaps it is not too much of a stretch to accommodate this negative in his character, providing the positives make up for it. That is if and only if the positives make up for it.

Also, as an aside saying that his mother raised him wrong is not particularly helpful. He's an adult and his mother has nothing to do with how he chooses to behave in the present.

Mental Magpie

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #23 on: December 05, 2011, 06:40:18 PM »
First I should say he's totally in the wrong and needs to apologize for insulting you. That is not acceptable in any relationship.

Second, how long after work was it? If his work is stressful, have you considered giving him an hour or so to decompress and revert to his apparently normal, sweet, polite nature before engaging in fooling around/making noise etc? I know he should have better impulse control in general and should have never called you names or anything of the sort, but as I assume you love him perhaps it is not too much of a stretch to accommodate this negative in his character, providing the positives make up for it. That is if and only if the positives make up for it.

Also, as an aside saying that his mother raised him wrong is not particularly helpful. He's an adult and his mother has nothing to do with how he chooses to behave in the present.
While I mostly agree with that statement, how we are raised does reflect our in our personalities, too.  He can only choose how to behave presently if he recognizes that what he is doing now (because of the way he was raised) is not the way to go.  For example, I was raised in a very tight knit family and thus I know how long my parents dated before they got married, how the met, where they met, et cetera.  Dark Boyfriend was raised in a loose knit family: he only found out that his dad had been married once before because he heard it in passing (it was not a secret, it just wasn't something that ever came up).  Hence, I talk to my mom and my sister quite a bit; he rarely talks to his family.  That doesn't mean he love them any less, but he sees nothing wrong with talking to them only once a month because that is how he was raised.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

POF

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #24 on: December 05, 2011, 07:34:12 PM »
First I should say he's totally in the wrong and needs to apologize for insulting you. That is not acceptable in any relationship.

Second, how long after work was it? If his work is stressful, have you considered giving him an hour or so to decompress and revert to his apparently normal, sweet, polite nature before engaging in fooling around/making noise etc? I know he should have better impulse control in general and should have never called you names or anything of the sort, but as I assume you love him perhaps it is not too much of a stretch to accommodate this negative in his character, providing the positives make up for it. That is if and only if the positives make up for it.

Also, as an aside saying that his mother raised him wrong is not particularly helpful. He's an adult and his mother has nothing to do with how he chooses to behave in the present.
While I mostly agree with that statement, how we are raised does reflect our in our personalities, too.  He can only choose how to behave presently if he recognizes that what he is doing now (because of the way he was raised) is not the way to go.  For example, I was raised in a very tight knit family and thus I know how long my parents dated before they got married, how the met, where they met, et cetera.  Dark Boyfriend was raised in a loose knit family: he only found out that his dad had been married once before because he heard it in passing (it was not a secret, it just wasn't something that ever came up).  Hence, I talk to my mom and my sister quite a bit; he rarely talks to his family.  That doesn't mean he love them any less, but he sees nothing wrong with talking to them only once a month because that is how he was raised.

I say this because I have seen his mother frequently make rude comments about other family members ... i.e. telling me I am too fat, criticizing my neices parenting etc. and never ever ever admit that a) none of her business b) wrong and unkind to say these things c) apologize.  She will in fact defend her right to say things that she believes are true.

His siblings will insist on things ... but not consider how other people are impacted ... especially family members. That is learned behavior.

My father modeled some very obnoxious behavior and I try to be self aware so that I do not repeat that pattern.

We did come to terms with the situation, we do not want to be fighting over XMAS. However - I am thinking of counseling for me ( he won't go ).  Thanks everyone.


Gyburc

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #25 on: December 06, 2011, 06:34:00 AM »
I know you didn't ask, but (((hugs))) POF. I hope the counselling goes well!

G

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Petticoats

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #26 on: December 06, 2011, 09:04:48 AM »
(((POF))) That sounds really rough, especially since you also have to put up with his family being as insensitive.

I wish I could make him attend counseling. It sounds like such a deep, ingrained pattern of thought will really need a lot of work to shake loose.

How long have the two of you been together?

POF

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #27 on: December 06, 2011, 09:16:08 AM »
(((POF))) That sounds really rough, especially since you also have to put up with his family being as insensitive.

I wish I could make him attend counseling. It sounds like such a deep, ingrained pattern of thought will really need a lot of work to shake loose.

How long have the two of you been together?

We've been married 20 years and over all ... its been a good marriage. I basically use E-Hell approved ways to deal with his family... beandip, intersting assumption etc.  They think I am scary - because I will politely call them on nonsense.  I also stay out of the drama.

They are at a distance however, DH is close.... and he can be a great guy .... but this thing drives me nuts. The NEVER BEING WRONG .... and its always on little stupid things where it makes no sense for him to take a stand.

We sighned up to do a themed XMAS tree for church. These are a big fundraiser, I had a budget of about 100 to do u pthis tree. He wanted to help... great. 

Well I got about 1/2 of what I needed... but needed to add some more things ( no big deal .. I was still on my budget ). He kept insisting it was fine ( it wasn't ) , i bought garland and he put it on in a weird way ... starting about 1/3 down.  I asked why he did that ... he argued and argued and argued that it was the best way . I finally got tired of it and told him to not touch it anymore.

I came home from work and he had finished te tree - including the weird garland ... very nicely.

I've told him that he is damaging the relationship... becuase at some point ... I will just stop caring... but he doesn't compute.

Counseling I think will be a good step, we are entering those years where the kids are more independent and the realtionship will be more about us.

Thanks again.


Reason

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #28 on: December 06, 2011, 10:08:09 AM »
Still, had my mother temporarily lost her mind and decided to make disparaging comments about my wife I would immediately make it very clear to her that she must apologize at once and that repeating such conduct will not be tolerated in my presence or even outside of my presence.

So, in the end, the fault lies not with the mother, but with the husband who lacks the backbone to remind her that his family unit is not a target for insults. Regardless of how he was raised, at some point in a person's life, he had to make a choice about what kind of person he was going to be.

It's easier, I think, to say he is a great guy and very sweet and loving and if it wasn't for his mother he'd be the ideal that men everywhere aspire to. But is he really that sweet and loving to allow his mother to insult his wife in front of him?

Iris

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Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #29 on: December 06, 2011, 03:39:43 PM »
Still, had my mother temporarily lost her mind and decided to make disparaging comments about my wife I would immediately make it very clear to her that she must apologize at once and that repeating such conduct will not be tolerated in my presence or even outside of my presence.

So, in the end, the fault lies not with the mother, but with the husband who lacks the backbone to remind her that his family unit is not a target for insults. Regardless of how he was raised, at some point in a person's life, he had to make a choice about what kind of person he was going to be.

It's easier, I think, to say he is a great guy and very sweet and loving and if it wasn't for his mother he'd be the ideal that men everywhere aspire to. But is he really that sweet and loving to allow his mother to insult his wife in front of him?

POD (except change wife to husband in the first paragraph  :) )

{{{{POF}}}} I hope counselling turns out to be the first step in making things better. I know DH had (has) these tendencies and as I said it took a lot of time and effort for me to get through to him and then for him to start to change behaviour patterns. However, my FIL has the same tendencies and has never changed. I have seen him be really rude to my MIL because he just had to be right. Sadly, it was me who stood up to him and told him that that wasn't a very respectful way to talk to his wife.
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