Author Topic: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal  (Read 7417 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Raintree

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6035
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #30 on: December 06, 2011, 03:54:11 PM »
*Climbs up the hill and sets out two chairs and a bottle of wine*   Mind if I join you on your hill?  My husband does the same thing except throw in a "You USED to be able to take a joke".


Solidarity Sister

Can I come? I get "your personality has changed. It's like walking on eggshells around you" and yet when I think back, it's really not me who has changed; rather, it's someone growing increasingly comfortable with utter disrespect. I think we'd all have a lot more fun sitting on that hill together with a bottle of wine.

Auntie Mame

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1501
  • Live! Live! LIVE!
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #31 on: December 06, 2011, 04:50:52 PM »
Sounds like a very common form of gaslighting to me.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
Auntie needs fuel, black coffee and a side car.

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4780
    • This Is It
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #32 on: December 06, 2011, 05:12:17 PM »
If it's a recurring, ongoing problem that is causing serious issues in your marriage, then definitely seek counselling to deal with it.

But I do still stand by my original advice of also trying to look at the situation from his perspective and also look at your own behaviour for areas you could improve.   I've seen so many friends of mine ruin relationships because they hold their boyfriend/partner/spouse to high standards and want them to change, but without acknowledging that they need to change as well.  Nobody is perfect.  My DH is pretty close to perfect (particularly if you ask him!) but I know that his irritating traits are equal to my own irritating traits.  I expect him to work on his (and let him know when he's letting me down!) but I also work on mine and make sure he's aware of that.

I'm not suggesting OP's husband behaved at all appropriately - on the contrary, he was very rude and inconsiderate on this occasion.  But I find the whole "You were wrong, You need to change, You need to treat me better" approach is very counter-productive to a healthy relationship.  A better approach is "We have an issue, We need to find a way to communicate better, Will you work with me to help prevent us having these nasty disagreements in future?"
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


aiki

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1194
  • We can't all have Pippa's backside.
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #33 on: December 06, 2011, 05:39:26 PM »
I'm not suggesting OP's husband behaved at all appropriately - on the contrary, he was very rude and inconsiderate on this occasion.  But I find the whole "You were wrong, You need to change, You need to treat me better" approach is very counter-productive to a healthy relationship.  A better approach is "We have an issue, We need to find a way to communicate better, Will you work with me to help prevent us having these nasty disagreements in future?"

Yaknow, I tried that in the last relationship I was in, with a man who would sulk, give the silent treatment, make us both late to things (I firmly believe now that this was as a control play), flake out of arrangements we'd made out of spite, and generally make himself thoroughly unpleasant to be around if things weren't going his way. The only thing he could come up with when I asked him what he would be prepared to change to make it work was "You could be nicer."

Sometimes it is the other person.
"A true gentleman is one who is never unintentionally rude."  - Oscar Wilde

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4780
    • This Is It
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #34 on: December 06, 2011, 05:52:37 PM »
I'm not suggesting OP's husband behaved at all appropriately - on the contrary, he was very rude and inconsiderate on this occasion.  But I find the whole "You were wrong, You need to change, You need to treat me better" approach is very counter-productive to a healthy relationship.  A better approach is "We have an issue, We need to find a way to communicate better, Will you work with me to help prevent us having these nasty disagreements in future?"

Yaknow, I tried that in the last relationship I was in, with a man who would sulk, give the silent treatment, make us both late to things (I firmly believe now that this was as a control play), flake out of arrangements we'd made out of spite, and generally make himself thoroughly unpleasant to be around if things weren't going his way. The only thing he could come up with when I asked him what he would be prepared to change to make it work was "You could be nicer."

Sometimes it is the other person.

In that type of situation I wouldn't consider the relationship worth pursuing, to be honest. So "fixing" the other person wouldn't be an issue. He sounds like a real peach   ::) .   There is a point at which it isn't a relationship problem and is a PERSON problem - e.g. that person has issues big enough that they really shouldn't be in a relationship until they've dealt with them.  Likewise with abusive situations - there is no way to move forward IMHO, because it's a completely unhealthy situation all round.  So if the OPs situation is that severe (she is a loving wife who is being mistreated by a guy with issues) then much, much bigger problem and her spouse needs to go to counselling ASAP.  That wasn't the impression I got from her posts however.  It sounds more like  personality clashing and communication issues are occurring.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Wendy Moira Angela Pan

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1702
  • Formerly Ms. Wendy
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #35 on: December 06, 2011, 06:10:26 PM »
POF I am a bit confused. Are you angry with him for the specific language he used or are you angry with him for thinking that you're loud at all? Is there a way he could have put that without upsetting you? Is it acceptable to you for him to tell you a particular behavior annoys him (without making the ad hominem attacks that he made in this instance)?

Honestly both of these disagreements sound very two sided to me. If I were your husband, I would find being banned from the tree especially infuriating. I don't see from these examples that your husband is bullying you.

I'm picking up a lot of dismissiveness from your posts. Is it possible that your husband thinks you're being just as stubborn as he is? I think both of you will have to yield a bit to resolve this. 

On review, Ceallach is wise; I agree with her.

POF

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2727
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #36 on: December 06, 2011, 09:25:51 PM »
Definitely not abusive and not bullying. Not sure why my posts are being percieved as dismissive ... but thats ok... perceptions are very individual.

he was banned from the tree for being passive aggressive. Said he would help, but then when asked to pick up a few items to complete got on a pitch that it was fine. ( it was seriously half decorated ). When  tried to reason with him - he would reiterate it was fine.

When I did get some more items - he was putting them on badly .. ON PURPOSE.. why do I make this intersting assumption ? Because he is very exacting with our own tree ... and what he was doing was silly.

Communication issue is the big thing. I have np problem with conflict .. if you do not like something I do ... tell me why, I'll analyze it.. I'll ask questions I will try to find out why we disagree.

He will just state his position over and over and over.

I was angry for being scolded in my own home for being perceived as too loud. He is loud on many occasions with his friends, the kids can be loud, the TV is loud. my house can be like a frat house :). There is a way to nicely point out that I am talking loud - but instead I was scolded like an errant child. When I pushed back he basically called me a loudmouth.  Whne I really protested ... he copped out by saying he was just joking.

it's a repetitive pattern..... and I get tired of it

I don't mind if he tells me something bothers him. 

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5471
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #37 on: December 06, 2011, 09:59:17 PM »
Definitely not abusive and not bullying. Not sure why my posts are being percieved as dismissive ... but thats ok... perceptions are very individual.

he was banned from the tree for being passive aggressive. Said he would help, but then when asked to pick up a few items to complete got on a pitch that it was fine. ( it was seriously half decorated ). When  tried to reason with him - he would reiterate it was fine.

When I did get some more items - he was putting them on badly .. ON PURPOSE.. why do I make this intersting assumption ? Because he is very exacting with our own tree ... and what he was doing was silly.

Communication issue is the big thing. I have np problem with conflict .. if you do not like something I do ... tell me why, I'll analyze it.. I'll ask questions I will try to find out why we disagree.

He will just state his position over and over and over.

I was angry for being scolded in my own home for being perceived as too loud. He is loud on many occasions with his friends, the kids can be loud, the TV is loud. my house can be like a frat house :). There is a way to nicely point out that I am talking loud - but instead I was scolded like an errant child. When I pushed back he basically called me a loudmouth.  Whne I really protested ... he copped out by saying he was just joking.

it's a repetitive pattern..... and I get tired of it

I don't mind if he tells me something bothers him.

It's not what he says, it's how he says it.  It's not that is this is a one off, it happens all of the time.  The only thing I see as dismissive is how he is treating your feelings. 

I think we can count on that you know him best and that he was indeed doing it on purpose; I don't think that's an interesting assumption.  However, I will say that perhaps your current irritation is slightly coloring his behavior in that you are already annoyed so are finding other small things as even more annoying when usually you can dismiss them.  Why do I think that?  I do it all of the time.  One thing is really irritating me so the small things that usually don't bother me are driving me up the wall.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4780
    • This Is It
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #38 on: December 06, 2011, 10:00:38 PM »
Hi POF, I actually just thought of another bit of advice that might help.

I think I'm a bit like you in one respect in that I am BIG on communication and have no problem with conflict, I'm happy to analyze a problem and I like to ask lots of questions to work out why we disagree and "solve" the problem.  It was an important lesson for me to realise that DH doesn't work that way.  My efforts to "fix" things can come across very aggressive to him, although I certainly don't intend them to be that way.  It took me awhile to learn that I needed to pick my moments for having such conversations.  I also needed to not be quite so "full on" in how I raised things and not talk about it at length - it often came across as dogpiling to him, even when I thought I was just clarifying my point.  (My family are big talkers and very over-analytical).

What is effective is if I find a time when we're together and have few distractions, and raise my concern in a loving way, explain why it bothers me, and ask if he can please think about it.  I'll normally also ask if he has any feedback for me on anything (he always says no).  Then I promptly drop the matter entirely. Completely - no sulking, no ignoring, just my lovely self. And I soon realise that he has taken on board what I've said and has made changes, and it's awesome.   Not saying this approach will necessarily work with your DH, but if what you've been doing isn't working then trying a different tack could be worth a shot.  For me it was the realisation that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change the way he felt about a heated debate - but what I could do was change the way *I* approached him so that he didn't leap onto the defensive.  It made a huge difference to our relationship.  There was nothing wrong with what I was doing - but it came across to him in a way I didn't intend, so I changed it.
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5471
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #39 on: December 06, 2011, 10:32:45 PM »
Hi POF, I actually just thought of another bit of advice that might help.

I think I'm a bit like you in one respect in that I am BIG on communication and have no problem with conflict, I'm happy to analyze a problem and I like to ask lots of questions to work out why we disagree and "solve" the problem.  It was an important lesson for me to realise that DH doesn't work that way.  My efforts to "fix" things can come across very aggressive to him, although I certainly don't intend them to be that way.  It took me awhile to learn that I needed to pick my moments for having such conversations.  I also needed to not be quite so "full on" in how I raised things and not talk about it at length - it often came across as dogpiling to him, even when I thought I was just clarifying my point.  (My family are big talkers and very over-analytical).

What is effective is if I find a time when we're together and have few distractions, and raise my concern in a loving way, explain why it bothers me, and ask if he can please think about it.  I'll normally also ask if he has any feedback for me on anything (he always says no).  Then I promptly drop the matter entirely. Completely - no sulking, no ignoring, just my lovely self. And I soon realise that he has taken on board what I've said and has made changes, and it's awesome.   Not saying this approach will necessarily work with your DH, but if what you've been doing isn't working then trying a different tack could be worth a shot.  For me it was the realisation that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change the way he felt about a heated debate - but what I could do was change the way *I* approached him so that he didn't leap onto the defensive.  It made a huge difference to our relationship.  There was nothing wrong with what I was doing - but it came across to him in a way I didn't intend, so I changed it.

Are you me?

I'm still working on the how I approach it bit, but I feel like I'm you at the beginning of your process.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Ceallach

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4780
    • This Is It
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #40 on: December 06, 2011, 11:15:29 PM »
Hi POF, I actually just thought of another bit of advice that might help.

I think I'm a bit like you in one respect in that I am BIG on communication and have no problem with conflict, I'm happy to analyze a problem and I like to ask lots of questions to work out why we disagree and "solve" the problem.  It was an important lesson for me to realise that DH doesn't work that way.  My efforts to "fix" things can come across very aggressive to him, although I certainly don't intend them to be that way.  It took me awhile to learn that I needed to pick my moments for having such conversations.  I also needed to not be quite so "full on" in how I raised things and not talk about it at length - it often came across as dogpiling to him, even when I thought I was just clarifying my point.  (My family are big talkers and very over-analytical).

What is effective is if I find a time when we're together and have few distractions, and raise my concern in a loving way, explain why it bothers me, and ask if he can please think about it.  I'll normally also ask if he has any feedback for me on anything (he always says no).  Then I promptly drop the matter entirely. Completely - no sulking, no ignoring, just my lovely self. And I soon realise that he has taken on board what I've said and has made changes, and it's awesome.   Not saying this approach will necessarily work with your DH, but if what you've been doing isn't working then trying a different tack could be worth a shot.  For me it was the realisation that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't change the way he felt about a heated debate - but what I could do was change the way *I* approached him so that he didn't leap onto the defensive.  It made a huge difference to our relationship.  There was nothing wrong with what I was doing - but it came across to him in a way I didn't intend, so I changed it.

Are you me?

I'm still working on the how I approach it bit, but I feel like I'm you at the beginning of your process.

Lol!   On the whole I have a particularly awesome, well-rounded marriage (if I do say so myself!) but we seem to hit these communication speedbumps periodically.... I sometimes beat my head against a brick wall for awhile before I find a change of direction which is effective.  It happens far less often than it used to.  It's why I don't understand the whole "thrill of the early relationship" or "7 year itch" thing at all - in my experience relationships get better and better every single year!  We adapt to better understand each other, know what the other person wants better, become more well-rounded individuals etc.  Having said that, we've only been together 7.75 years, so maybe the itch will hit me at 8 years.  :P
"Nobody can do everything, but everybody can do something"


Sneezy

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 704
Re: When your feelings are hurt and he thinks its no big deal
« Reply #41 on: December 07, 2011, 10:57:22 PM »
*Climbs up the hill and sets out two chairs and a bottle of wine*   Mind if I join you on your hill?  My husband does the same thing except throw in a "You USED to be able to take a joke".


Solidarity Sister

Climbs up hill with a few extra blankets, some pillows and a plate of buckeye cookies.   I'll happily keep everyone company on this here hill.