She Had a Birthweek

[TurtleDove]

I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

[TurtleDove]

Is everyone else in "the group" single?  To me, it seems the snark comes from a place of jeolousy that Todd and Jenny are coupled and not due to any rudeness on either Todd or Jenny's part. 

[hobish]

I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

So it is not just me who is not seeing what the big problem is. Cool.

[Wonderflonium]

I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

You know, we used to never agree, and now we almost always do. 

I can understand people being jealous (I probably would be) and even a little annoyed but I don't get people being offended. I can see people making jokes (I probably would), but not being snarky. To me it just seems that Todd's still in that oh-my-goodness-we're-so-in-lurve-and-I-want-to-make-everything-special phase of the relationship. It happens to the best of us.

[gramma dishes]

The next birthday was mentioned in a conversation which did not include Todd or Jenny, so I brought up that it was my turn to plan for the birthday girl.  A friend rolled her eyes and said, "well you should start as soon as possible so that we know which week to block out.  Or are birthweeks only for those of us who have boyfriends?" 

Okay, this was a conversation among close friends!  I can so see myself saying something exactly like this (without the boyfriend part) as a private little joke acknowledging that I found the concept of 'birthday week' a little silly.  It would definitely not be intended as a slam on Jenny, but a recognition that Todd had gone inappropriately overboard.

[secretrebel]

Poor Jenny. She's dating a guy who prefers a big gesture to a cool fun time.

If Todd wanted to make a fus of Jenny on her birthday and treat her like a Princess, that's cool. but he shouldn't try to rope his friends into it. She's his HIS shiny new girlfriend but still YOUR good old friend. he should have stuck to the usual friend plan and then also taken Jenny out dancing or whatever to celebrate privately.

If the subject comes up again I'd say that "Todd got a bit too enthusiastic over Jenny's birthday but that's not Jenny's fault and she deserves better than to have her birthday turned into a negative thing." Then go back to planning the next chilled out friend party.

in 10 years time you'll meet up with those friends again and laugh about Todd and the birth week.

[NyaChan]

Is everyone else in "the group" single?  To me, it seems the snark comes from a place of jeolousy that Todd and Jenny are coupled and not due to any rudeness on either Todd or Jenny's part. 

At the time of the invite/birthday:

NyaChan:  had just stopped seeing someone
Friend who was asked to pay for cab:  was in ldr with overseas service member
Friend w. snarky comment:  single w. a potential romantic interest who is overseas as well
Friend who drove him to the store:  committed ldr with a grad student
Others were:  casually seeing someone, in relationship, and single w. no intention of changing her status (this is the one who said Todd was using us as props)

I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

You may very well be right.  There is a decent amount of unnecessary drama at this school.  Ex: student rudely and mistakenly informs professor that he is wrong because the book says xyz (prof wrote that book btw), by the end of the day the story has traveled through gchat to our whole level.  I think the stress, competition, and inability to escape the people around us makes us a bit crazed. 

I know I used the word offended with respect to my own feelings and other people, though I can't explain what was going through their minds, just what they told me.  For my part, I did feel bad about the singing comment at that time. On further reflection with a clear head, and having read the comments, I realize that he was just trying to compliment Jenny.  I still think that it was not a tactful thing to say though.   

Poor Jenny. She's dating a guy who prefers a big gesture to a cool fun time.

If Todd wanted to make a fus of Jenny on her birthday and treat her like a Princess, that's cool. but he shouldn't try to rope his friends into it. She's his HIS shiny new girlfriend but still YOUR good old friend. he should have stuck to the usual friend plan and then also taken Jenny out dancing or whatever to celebrate privately.

If the subject comes up again I'd say that "Todd got a bit too enthusiastic over Jenny's birthday but that's not Jenny's fault and she deserves better than to have her birthday turned into a negative thing." Then go back to planning the next chilled out friend party.

in 10 years time you'll meet up with those friends again and laugh about Todd and the birth week.

I really like this, thanks, I think it'll come in handy to have something in the back of my mind just in case.

[O'Dell]

Having 4 events for a bday strikes me as gimme-piggish. It seems that the "gift" in your group of friends was to treat the b-day person rather than a traditional present, but still a gift. Asking for that 4 nights in a row...greedy and rude. Sorta' like inviting someone to multiple bridal/baby showers for one recipient, but instead of expecting multiple blenders/strollers Todd expected multiple meals including drinks for Jenny. I almost posted this yesterday and then decided that I was assuming too much about Todd. Now with the additional info about the cab/car ride issue, I feel it was a pretty fair assumption.

I also get from the quote of Todd's message that he expected people to attend more than one event. Please RSVP to the event for more info and let me know through the wall which events you plan to attend. That's a bit too much time and effort and attention to ask of people.

Frankly, I would have laughed at the friend's crack about what week to block out although I agree that the last bit sounds like jealousy. But I'm not baffled that it would pop up a year after the fact. I can see something like this earning a person a reputation unless or until they proved that it wasn't a one time incident.

TurtleDove: Did Todd expect the guests to pick up Jenny's tab at each event?

[Surianne]

I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

You know, we used to never agree, and now we almost always do. 

I can understand people being jealous (I probably would be) and even a little annoyed but I don't get people being offended. I can see people making jokes (I probably would), but not being snarky. To me it just seems that Todd's still in that oh-my-goodness-we're-so-in-lurve-and-I-want-to-make-everything-special phase of the relationship. It happens to the best of us.

I'm with you guys on this one too.  Like ilrag on the first page, I'm not a fan of birthdays or the entitlement issue that sometimes comes with adult birthdays, but this doesn't even sound like a case of that -- Todd made it pretty clear that the events were all optional and he didn't expect people to attend all of them.  It sounded like a pick and choose your favourite sort of thing.  He went a little overboard, but I don't see the invitations as rude.

I also don't see the singing comment as rude -- I highly doubt he meant that the OP couldn't sing. 

The cab thing wasn't okay at all.  That's the only real rudeness I see on Todd's part in this story.

[pierrotlunaire0]

(1) Grad students -- pressure and stress, maybe a little oversensitive about things that would normally roll off your back (BTDT, by the way)
(2) Todd -- just so in love, by gosh by golly, and willing to make a festival of it.

Mix these 2 elements together, and it just doesn't work.  Now, if Todd had pitched it as a blow off steam party, and well, also it's Jenny's birthday, but mostly it's a blow off steam party, I would bet it would have gone over so much better.  But, oh well, that kind of stuff happens.

Now, for the upcoming party, if Jenny or Todd were to indicate in any way that people are reacting better for this one than for Jenny's, blame it on the stresses of grad school (which I am convinced is a large part of it).

[TurtleDove]

TurtleDove: Did Todd expect the guests to pick up Jenny's tab at each event?

I certainly did not get that impression.  Also, from the way I see it, Todd did not demand anyone pay for the cab either.  His comments, as conveyed by the OP, consistently come across to me as jokey/friendly and not at all gimme/demanding/SS.  And frankly, how much money would it even be if 5 people are sharing a cab in a college town to get to a bar - 50 cents per person to cover Jenny's share, if that?  Who cares either way! 

[NyaChan]

TurtleDove: Did Todd expect the guests to pick up Jenny's tab at each event?

I certainly did not get that impression.  Also, from the way I see it, Todd did not demand anyone pay for the cab either.  His comments, as conveyed by the OP, consistently come across to me as jokey/friendly and not at all gimme/demanding/SS.  And frankly, how much money would it even be if 5 people are sharing a cab in a college town to get to a bar - 50 cents per person to cover Jenny's share, if that?  Who cares either way! 

We aren't in a college town.  Our school is located in a city known for its party atmosphere and is a frequent location for tourists and movie shoots.  There are only one or two college bars near campus which are frequented by undergrads hoping not to get carded.  Our circle tends to go to more "grownup" lounges and bars which are further away from campus.  I don't know how much the fare is to the area they were headed, I've only ever taken a cab downtown on a huge holiday and I don't know if the fares were different on that night.  The ride is about 10 minutes by car from campus to bar if that helps any. The group would have split the cab 3 ways though, not 5. 

As for payment at the events, on the day that I went, all the friends did try to buy her drinks - troublesome when you consider Jenny is one person and simply wouldn't have been able to drink enough for us to all have a turn.  Todd did not buy her drinks while I was there - you had to order at the bar, and he did not go up with her.  We asked the bartender to just put whatever she ordered on our tabs when we went up with her.  Since we normally just do the one night for birthdays, we usually pick up the tab for the birthday person.  I do not know what happened after I left obviously, though it is likely that Jenny was done drinking - does not usually have more than a couple drinks anyways which she had already consumed when I left the bar.

I was not at the dinner, but if I had attended, I would have expected and been happy to pay for a portion of Jenny's food/drink as a birthday treat.

[O'Dell]

TurtleDove: Did Todd expect the guests to pick up Jenny's tab at each event?

I certainly did not get that impression.  Also, from the way I see it, Todd did not demand anyone pay for the cab either.  His comments, as conveyed by the OP, consistently come across to me as jokey/friendly and not at all gimme/demanding/SS.  And frankly, how much money would it even be if 5 people are sharing a cab in a college town to get to a bar - 50 cents per person to cover Jenny's share, if that?  Who cares either way!

Oh oops...sorry about that TurtleDove. Somehow I got you confused with the OP. 

At any rate, I'm not comfortable with people pressing me about what I'll spend my money on...no matter how little it is and no matter how flush I am at the time. Todd's comment doesn't seem like a joke to me, and I'd refuse to pay more than my share for the cab.

[GLaDOS]

Just to clarify, the bitter comment, (granted I am assuming you are referring to "those of us who have boyfriends", if not never mind, sorry) was not something I said, it was a friend who was there when we spoke about an upcoming birthday.  I've briefly wondered since then if it was a "One of these things is not like the others.  One of these things must die alone," moment for her, but even so, I wish she hadn't said that as it seemed mean and was a very uncomfortable reminder of how awkward that week had been.  I am also on team "birthdays are fun times, but not the end all be all of existence"

The tension just kept compounding - example:  the night that I went, I offered to pick up one friend from campus on the way to the bar.  I pulled over and suddenly friend, Jenny, Todd, and Jenny's friend from out of town pile in my car.  Apparently when friend ran into them while waiting for me, Jenny made a joke that she hoped they were taking a cab because she didn't want to be a DD on her own birthday.  Todd responded "Of course you don't have to drive.  We'll get a cab, whatever you want.  but you are absolutely not going to pay for the cab, right guys?"  Cue awkward scrambling as my friend tried to explain that she already had ride (and didn't have cash or a budget to pay the cab anyways).  Friend makes it to the bar, but is already off kilter because Todd assumed she would help cover Jenny's cab. 

Disclaimer : I'm on team birthdays are not a big deal.

Honestly it sounds to me like Todd is still in the schmoopy relationship stage and wanted to do something nice for Jenny but didn't think it through. Both in terms of how not everyone wanted to devote their time and money to his awesome new girl and how his comments would make you feel.

Yeah, that does make sense.  It was the first birthday they'd had since they started dating.  Luckily, a friend (the one he refused to change the date of the dinner for) got over her irritation with him long enough to drive him to the store so he could buy red roses and chocolates.  (Put that in there to show my friends do have their good moments)

I know you were quoting your friend, but looking back I didn't phrase it well. Soz!
It sounds like Todd is smitten, and he doesn't realise everyone else isn't her new boyfriend.  He's acting like you're all as enthusiastic and eager to please her as he is, and well, it just isn't so. It might be a good idea to have someone close to him take him aside and tell him that it's great that they're dating and things seem to be going well, but he can't volunteer other people's pocketbooks to impress her because it's alienating them both.

[PoliteTeacher]

I say rude. Just because you don't have to attend an event doesn't make it any less rude to invite people to celebrate the same event multiple times.