### Author Topic: She Had a Birthweek  (Read 8424 times)

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#### strangetimes

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #45 on: December 07, 2011, 04:26:14 PM »
I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well?

Not entirely sure that the guest were out more money for this event. Its also unclear as to how much more each guest paid.

Well let's see, the line up was:

>> Wednesday: Birthday drinks
Thursday Night: See Band at Bar
Friday: TBA
Saturday: Karaoke, Drinks, and Dinner at Restaurant <<

Unless Todd was paying everyone's way, they were out the $$, weren't they? Not only for themselves but for the honoree. Or am I wrong, OP? Was Todd hosting all these events? If I attende Thursday night... cos I like band and bar. Then I am only out that money. I would pay for the honoree at one of the events I attended - not at all of them. If you had gone to band at bar you would have to cover your own tab regardless of whether you were there to celebrate a birthday or not. Except it sounds like the guests were expected to cover the birthday girl at each of the events and that they also felt pressured to attend more than one. That means laying out money for themselves and the birthday girl multiple times. Even if they decided to only go to one event, it's still going to go cost more than usual. The birthday girl's night is usually split by the whole group. With only 1/3 of the group attending, the cost will be much higher than usual. (it's not really my business how much of a difference it actually is, but the OP says that they're all struggling students, so a few dollars can be a big deal) I'm not sure that there's anything rude per se, in the multiple events, but it sounds like Todd might have been a little tone deaf here. If he wanted to do something special and different for Jenny's birthday, he might have been better off throwing a party himself or discussing it with the other friends, rather than assuming that everyone will go along with (and fund) his grand plans. #### TurtleDove • Super Hero! • Posts: 6284 ##### Re: She Had a Birthweek « Reply #46 on: December 07, 2011, 04:29:47 PM » I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well? I do not see where Todd demanded anyone foot the bill for anything, or got upset when people opted not to. From the OP it seems various people offered to pay for drinks for Jenny, but I do not see where Todd forced the issue anywhere. Maybe it's because I am old and well funded, as are most of my friends, but it just would never occur to me to get upset over a comment of "The birthday girl is not going to be DD tonight and she won't be paying for the cab!" I did not see where he insisted anyone else pay for Jenny's share of the cab or for any of her drinks. #### jedikaiti • Swiss Army Nerd • Hero Member • Posts: 2906 • A pie in the hand is worth two in the mail. ##### Re: She Had a Birthweek « Reply #47 on: December 07, 2011, 04:33:19 PM » I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well? Not entirely sure that the guest were out more money for this event. Its also unclear as to how much more each guest paid. Yeah...from the OP it sounds like even if the friends did pay for the dinner, that is standard practice for birthdays in the circle. So I don't think snarking on that as if it's something unique to Todd and Jenny is fair. If Todd was serious about the friends covering Jenny's cab, that's the part of the story I have a problem with, but that's the only mention of money I've noticed so far. (Always possible I missed something, of course.) It's not just that that they may or may not be called upon to spend more money, it's that they're being called upon to be out a LOT more time, over the course of a LOT more days. Sure, they can refuse to go, but essentially, he was making an entire week (well, a few days) of their (social) lives ALL.ABOUT.JENNY. It'd be one thing if it were something along the lines of "group P friends can (mostly) do Tuesday, group Q friends can (mostly) do Friday, and the family wants Wednesday" and maybe there's some overlap, but essentially you have celebrations with different groups each night, but this is more along the lines of "If you're agreeable, I'd like you devote an entire week outside of work/school/whatever to celebrating Jenny's birthday." That's the part that drives me nuts. It's not about the money, unless transportation costs to/from each event are a concern, or some other factor makes it far more expensive to spread the celebrations out over multiple days. If it's the same approximate amount, just split up, that's no big deal. The hogging of errand/housework/chill time for so many days would get under my skin. I can only think of 2 occasions that call for a week-long birthday celebration: 1) Royalty (who are likely to fall under the "group X on one day, group Y the next, etc" plan), and 2) 100 years (or other number that either most people are unlikely to reach, or the honoree specifically was not likely to reach). Just my 2.5 cents, inflation adjusted. Even if they decided to only go to one event, it's still going to go cost more than usual. The birthday girl's night is usually split by the whole group. With only 1/3 of the group attending, the cost will be much higher than usual. (it's not really my business how much of a difference it actually is, but the OP says that they're all struggling students, so a few dollars can be a big deal) I'm not sure that there's anything rude per se, in the multiple events, but it sounds like Todd might have been a little tone deaf here. If he wanted to do something special and different for Jenny's birthday, he might have been better off throwing a party himself or discussing it with the other friends, rather than assuming that everyone will go along with (and fund) his grand plans. Excellent points! What part of v_e = \sqrt{\frac{2GM}{r}} don't you understand? It's only rocket science! "The problem with re-examining your brilliant ideas is that more often than not, you discover they are the intellectual equivalent of saying, 'Hold my beer and watch this!'" - Cindy Couture #### DuBois • Hero Member • Posts: 1037 ##### Re: She Had a Birthweek « Reply #48 on: December 07, 2011, 04:34:37 PM » I'm in team 'I don't see the big deal'. I really think that this one falls under 'an invitation is not a summons'. #### immadz • Hero Member • Posts: 4783 ##### Re: She Had a Birthweek « Reply #49 on: December 07, 2011, 04:37:17 PM » I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well? Not entirely sure that the guest were out more money for this event. Its also unclear as to how much more each guest paid. Well let's see, the line up was: >> Wednesday: Birthday drinks Thursday Night: See Band at Bar Friday: TBA Saturday: Karaoke, Drinks, and Dinner at Restaurant << Unless Todd was paying everyone's way, they were out the$$, weren't they? Not only for themselves but for the honoree. Or am I wrong, OP? Was Todd hosting all these events?

If I attende Thursday night... cos I like band and bar. Then I am only out that money. I would pay for the honoree at one of the events I attended - not at all of them. If you had gone to band at bar you would have to cover your own tab regardless of whether you were there to celebrate a birthday or not.

Except it sounds like the guests were expected to cover the birthday girl at each of the events and that they also felt pressured to attend more than one. That means laying out money for themselves and the birthday girl multiple times.

Even if they decided to only go to one event, it's still going to go cost more than usual. The birthday girl's night is usually split by the whole group. With only 1/3 of the group attending, the cost will be much higher than usual. (it's not really my business how much of a difference it actually is, but the OP says that they're all struggling students, so a few dollars can be a big deal)

I'm not sure that there's anything rude per se, in the multiple events, but it sounds like Todd might have been a little tone deaf here. If he wanted to do something special and different for Jenny's birthday, he might have been better off throwing a party himself or discussing it with the other friends, rather than assuming that everyone will go along with (and fund) his grand plans.

I would assume that if some of Todd's friends had come as expected they would have paid about the same or perhaps a lot less. As it is they paid about as much as if two friends had other engagements.

#### NyaChan

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #50 on: December 07, 2011, 04:38:09 PM »
I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well?

Not entirely sure that the guest were out more money for this event. Its also unclear as to how much more each guest paid.

Well let's see, the line up was:

>> Wednesday: Birthday drinks
Thursday Night: See Band at Bar
Friday: TBA
Saturday: Karaoke, Drinks, and Dinner at Restaurant <<

Unless Todd was paying everyone's way, they were out the , weren't they? Not only for themselves but for the honoree. Or am I wrong, OP? Was Todd hosting all these events?

Todd was not paying for everyone so, no, he was not hosting in the traditional sense.  We were all meant to pay our own way.

I actually forgot to add in that there was actually an additional event that Todd was hoping to organize but then dropped (hence the empty date in the middle).

This is his initial, email out to our close group before the event was created on FB:
"Hey, Jenny's birthday is coming up so I'm planning it all out.  We're going to Bar Wednesday. Thursday to Bar and to see Band.  Friday or Saturday we can go for Karaoke and dinner at Restaurant. She also mentioned she wanted to go skating so we can go here: IceSkatingRink.  Let me know if y'all have any more ideas, I'm inviting other people but I just wanted to make sure you were all on board before I make the FB event so let me know as soon as you can.

-skating rink is at least 30 minute drive, more w. traffic
-Todd doesn't have a car
-he dropped the event when he realized he would have to commit to a certain number of people and not many people could give a firm answer
-the people who responded to the email (by reply all so I saw them) were letting him know they were going out of town, others only responded to say they were unsure of their plans

As for finances - Jenny is from a wealthy background, the rest of us have family support (fixed allowance) or live off of student loans.  So, \$15 won't break the bank, but we can't spend indiscriminately.

#### strangetimes

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #51 on: December 07, 2011, 04:39:56 PM »
I wonder what he'll plan if they marry? A wedding year? Will the guests foot that bill as well?

I do not see where Todd demanded anyone foot the bill for anything, or got upset when people opted not to.  From the OP it seems various people offered to pay for drinks for Jenny, but I do not see where Todd forced the issue anywhere.

Maybe it's because I am old and well funded, as are most of my friends, but it just would never occur to me to get upset over a comment of "The birthday girl is not going to be DD tonight and she won't be paying for the cab!"  I did not see where he insisted anyone else pay for Jenny's share of the cab or for any of her drinks.

Except that's not exactly what Todd said. According to the OP, he said that she won't be paying for the cab and added on, "right guys?" at the end of the sentence. I understand that to mean that he intends for the "guys" to be making that right.

I still don't think Todd was necessarily rude, but he was quite presumptuous. There's a group thing that they've been doing for a while and he took upon himself to change it without consulting anyone else.

#### Bijou

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #52 on: December 07, 2011, 05:01:43 PM »
It sounds like Todd is just head over heels with Jenny, beyond containment.  If I were worried about his excessive attention setting precedent for other people's future birthday celebrations, I would go only to the traditional dinner/drinks and let the rest slide.   And if I were planning for anyone else, I would stick with the tradition.
The singing thing would miff me, too.  What a clod!
I've never knitted anything I could recognize when it was finished.  Actually, I've never finished anything, much to my family's relief.

#### jimithing

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #53 on: December 07, 2011, 05:12:27 PM »

I still don't think Todd was necessarily rude, but he was quite presumptuous. There's a group thing that they've been doing for a while and he took upon himself to change it without consulting anyone else.

This is exactly the word I was looking for. Presumptuous. I don't think he was rude to issue all the invitations, but I do think it's a bit presumptuous to think that everyone else wants to celebrate your girlfriend's birthday all week long. If I received this invitation, I would probably just roll my eyes.

I think it gets into rude territory if there is an *expectation* that everyone will come to everything, and then get upset when people don't want to.

#### LadyL

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #54 on: December 07, 2011, 05:56:35 PM »
I don't think Todd was rude to schedule so many birthday events. Nor was anyone rude to decline attending any or all of them.

I do think he was presumptuous, overzealous, and inconsiderate. Since events in the OP's circle are "pay your own way+chip in for the bday girl" he was essentially asking everyone to do that multiple times.

If he was truly hosting as in paying for all the events I would say more power to him, if he has the stamina to party four nights in a row in grad school. As a grad student myself I know that one weeknight and one weekend evening is pretty much my limit but I'm not as young as I used to be.

#### immadz

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #55 on: December 07, 2011, 06:38:26 PM »
I don't think he assumed that Jenny's friends would come for each one but imagined a bunch of his friends would come. Depending on how well Jenny knows his friends, it may or may not have been presumptuous. I think what happened was he added 20 of his friends + 6 of Jenny's friends and said 6 people per event and divided. Instead of having one large gathering. Over zealous but not necessarily inconsiderate. Epic fail either because he had flaky friends or his friends didn't really know Jenny.

#### strangetimes

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #56 on: December 07, 2011, 06:50:52 PM »
I don't think he assumed that Jenny's friends would come for each one but imagined a bunch of his friends would come. Depending on how well Jenny knows his friends, it may or may not have been presumptuous. I think what happened was he added 20 of his friends + 6 of Jenny's friends and said 6 people per event and divided. Instead of having one large gathering. Over zealous but not necessarily inconsiderate. Epic fail either because he had flaky friends or his friends didn't really know Jenny.

That may be part of it- that he assumed his friends would add to the mix. Still, he commandeered the usual friend celebration and turned it into something else.

#### JenJay

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #57 on: December 07, 2011, 08:20:42 PM »
I am baffled as to why anyone would be offended or waste any time or emotion on this at all.  Todd invited people out for something fun.  You can either attend or not, and it didn't seem to me he was rude or SS or demanding in any way, even when people were snarky in their comments and declinations.  The rude ones, from my perspective, are the friends who became snarky rather than simply taking the invitation at face value and attending what they felt like attending.

So it is not just me who is not seeing what the big problem is. Cool.

Yup.

If he'd demanded everyone go to everything and/or chastised those who didn't *then* I could see giving him a bad time. Some people like to go all-out and Todd sounds like one of them. He thought maybe some of their mutual friends would like to go, too, so he invited them in a pretty open-ended "come if you can" way. I'd rsvp yes to what I wanted to go, no to what I didn't, and not give it another thought. I don't understand why anyone was upset about it?

#### Raintree

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #58 on: December 07, 2011, 09:37:24 PM »
I think it sounds like it all got blown out of proportion. Todd just wanted to go out several nights in a row and kind of went about it in a misguided way.

Maybe a good response from someone might have been a lighthearted, "Whoa, dude!! We can't afford to go out every night. Tell us which night is the birthday night you want everyone there for, so we can all be together instead of spreading it out over different nights, and we'll be there!"

#### strangetimes

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##### Re: She Had a Birthweek
« Reply #59 on: December 07, 2011, 10:49:54 PM »
I think it sounds like it all got blown out of proportion. Todd just wanted to go out several nights in a row and kind of went about it in a misguided way.

Maybe a good response from someone might have been a lighthearted, "Whoa, dude!! We can't afford to go out every night. Tell us which night is the birthday night you want everyone there for, so we can all be together instead of spreading it out over different nights, and we'll be there!"

And that would have been the perfect response!