Author Topic: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"  (Read 3235 times)

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Mikayla

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #15 on: December 07, 2011, 03:34:21 PM »
I vote you not touch this with a 10 foot pole, and that includes saying anything to LordL.  By the time your comment goes through him to his dad, and then dad spins it to mom, it will sound like what it is:  She wants better gifts from us!

This is a "my house, my rules" kind of thing.  Accept what they offer graciously and also accept their unwritten rules for holiday traditions, including gift giving and what constitutes family, if that's part of it.

Brentwood

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #16 on: December 07, 2011, 03:38:45 PM »

Worst case scenario I will treat it like a drama exercise and practice my best "I'm excited/this is wonderful!" face  :P. I want to be gracious but also would prefer to avoid as much awkwardness as possible.

It doesn't have to be an acting exercise, nor do you have to be faux "excited! wonderful!" in order to be gracious. There is no awkwardness if you don't behave awkwardly. Whatever gift you unwrap, just smile pleasantly and say, "Thank you. I appreciate your thinking of me!" That is being gracious.

I would not bring gifts from your family along to this celebration.

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #17 on: December 07, 2011, 03:48:30 PM »
I agree with the majority of the posters. Be courteous and gracious in your receipt of gifts from his family. Unless you want to actually say, "you give me such garbage I would rather get nothing at all than what you gave me."

Accept with grace, and then use, or quietly lose or repurpose as necessary. But save the dramatic performance. That, too, would be rude. 
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Chivewarrior

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #18 on: December 07, 2011, 03:52:50 PM »
I would look at this in line with some of the other posters were I not remembering some of LadyL's other posts about LordL's family making it clear they aren't interested in her. I think the suggestion of having LordL mention to them "oh, and LadyL likes thus-and-such" (probably a thus-and-such within the price range they've been getting her since that may be more of a money thing) when he gives them his list is a good one.

Brentwood

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #19 on: December 07, 2011, 03:56:38 PM »
I would look at this in line with some of the other posters were I not remembering some of LadyL's other posts about LordL's family making it clear they aren't interested in her. I think the suggestion of having LordL mention to them "oh, and LadyL likes thus-and-such" (probably a thus-and-such within the price range they've been getting her since that may be more of a money thing) when he gives them his list is a good one.

Regardless of what he tells his parents or suggests to his parents, the only behavior LadyL can control is her own. She said she wants to be gracious, and the way to do that is to pleasantly accept whatever gift she receives.

Fleur-de-Lis

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #20 on: December 07, 2011, 04:00:59 PM »
I would look at this in line with some of the other posters were I not remembering some of LadyL's other posts about LordL's family making it clear they aren't interested in her. I think the suggestion of having LordL mention to them "oh, and LadyL likes thus-and-such" (probably a thus-and-such within the price range they've been getting her since that may be more of a money thing) when he gives them his list is a good one.

Regardless of what he tells his parents or suggests to his parents, the only behavior LadyL can control is her own. She said she wants to be gracious, and the way to do that is to pleasantly accept whatever gift she receives.

And it is *not* gracious to hint - or have an SO make an unsolicited gift suggestion. If his family doesn't like her, hinting for a better gift, telling them to save their money, or playing drama queen with faux enthusiasm aren't going to change things.
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Brentwood

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #21 on: December 07, 2011, 04:02:56 PM »
I would look at this in line with some of the other posters were I not remembering some of LadyL's other posts about LordL's family making it clear they aren't interested in her. I think the suggestion of having LordL mention to them "oh, and LadyL likes thus-and-such" (probably a thus-and-such within the price range they've been getting her since that may be more of a money thing) when he gives them his list is a good one.

Regardless of what he tells his parents or suggests to his parents, the only behavior LadyL can control is her own. She said she wants to be gracious, and the way to do that is to pleasantly accept whatever gift she receives.

And it is *not* gracious to hint - or have an SO make an unsolicited gift suggestion. If his family doesn't like her, hinting for a better gift, telling them to save their money, or playing drama queen with faux enthusiasm aren't going to change things.

Very true.

Kaypeep

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #22 on: December 07, 2011, 04:09:06 PM »
POD to Cathy.

You say they are historically bad gift givers, except when getting off a gift list. So accept that they are not good gift givers, it's not a snub against you personally.  Stop comparing them to your family, they will never be your family or know you like they do. As long as they aren't giving you gifts with a malicious intent (I think of the post about the MIL who kept buying chocolate for the DIL who was allergic) then just chalk it up as an experience to just get through and move on.  Perhaps distract yourself by volunteering to be the photographer while others open their gifts, or make cocoa for everyone after you've opened your gift if sitting there is torture.

Hmmmmm

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #23 on: December 07, 2011, 04:53:35 PM »
Agreeing with the others.  I think you plan to open only the gift they give you at his home and the gifts LordL gives you if you don't exchange presents with each other at a different time.  When DH and I were dating/engaged his parents were very sweet.  But on Christmas morning at his home, I'd open a single lovely present (unfortunately, it was usually a perfume I didn't wear) from his parents while DH, his sister, and his brother opened 5 or 6 gifts each.  (DH and I would exchange gifts earlier in the morning before going to his parents and open any gifts from my family that had been sent.)

As far as your dislike of the gift they are giving you, there's really nothing you can do.  LordL can suggest some ideas to his parents, or as others suggested, have him modify his gift list to joint type gifts. 

LadyL

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #24 on: December 07, 2011, 05:13:49 PM »
To clarify I was going to bring presents with me to open in our hotel room, not at their house.

I like the idea of playing photographer to keep busy.

 

Chivewarrior

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #25 on: December 07, 2011, 05:19:55 PM »
I would look at this in line with some of the other posters were I not remembering some of LadyL's other posts about LordL's family making it clear they aren't interested in her. I think the suggestion of having LordL mention to them "oh, and LadyL likes thus-and-such" (probably a thus-and-such within the price range they've been getting her since that may be more of a money thing) when he gives them his list is a good one.

Regardless of what he tells his parents or suggests to his parents, the only behavior LadyL can control is her own. She said she wants to be gracious, and the way to do that is to pleasantly accept whatever gift she receives.

And it is *not* gracious to hint - or have an SO make an unsolicited gift suggestion. If his family doesn't like her, hinting for a better gift, telling them to save their money, or playing drama queen with faux enthusiasm aren't going to change things.
I would agree with you if the SO in question wasn't already giving them gift suggestions about what to get for himself-- it sounds like he hands them a list every year.

SamiHami

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #26 on: December 07, 2011, 10:29:41 PM »
My IL's had 3 boys, my DH being the oldest. They saw many, many girlfriends come and go through the years. They had a standard gift for the GFs-an umbrella and a pair of gloves. That is what I received for the 3 Christmases that we dated. Once we actually married, I was family and that all changed. I never thought it was odd to receive the token gift each year; I actually thought it was very practical and useful.

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kareng57

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #27 on: December 07, 2011, 10:33:03 PM »
My IL's had 3 boys, my DH being the oldest. They saw many, many girlfriends come and go through the years. They had a standard gift for the GFs-an umbrella and a pair of gloves. That is what I received for the 3 Christmases that we dated. Once we actually married, I was family and that all changed. I never thought it was odd to receive the token gift each year; I actually thought it was very practical and useful.


That sounds very sensible to me.  They're useful gifts, and even if they'd been given the year before they'd likely need to be replaced, anyway.

Isometric

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Re: Polite way to say "don't bother with the token gift?"
« Reply #28 on: December 07, 2011, 10:37:53 PM »
I vote for the "hints". Maybe LordL can mention how much you love X brand chocolates, or vanilla candles, etc.

I had to really readjust when I married DH, my family is big on birthdays and holidays and spends quite a lot (equal amounts) on me and hubs, whereas hub's family opts for one small present for me and one slighter larger present for DH. Not saying everyone should have a big Christmas (or small one for that matter) but it certainly takes some getting used to!