Author Topic: I can't keep up with her...  (Read 8302 times)

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gramma dishes

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2011, 04:20:41 PM »
It sounds like her amazing progress is just a teeny bit of a blow to your ego.  But your wife clearly doesn't see it that way at all.  She's not trying to outdo you.  She just wants to be with you.  That's about the nicest compliment a wife can bestow upon her husband.  Just think of all the couples you know who enjoy MOST the time they spend away from each other.  You're a lucky guy!

Nora

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2011, 05:00:39 PM »
Dude... she's your wife.

*snip incredibly judgemental text *

I can't believe you just berated a poster coming to this board for help with interpersonal relations. Reason is just like every other eheller  on here asking how to discuss things with their spouse. Your emphases where unhelpful and snarky.
Just because someone is offended that does not mean they are in the right.

Nurvingiel

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2011, 05:26:06 PM »
I didn't see the snark there, but it's worth pointing out that Reason has talked to his wife about their workout and it seems like they had a great discussion about it.

Reason, what if you guys did something together that you can do at your own pace? Like rock climbing at an indoor gym. One person belays while the other person climbs the wall.

Or you could still do your current regime, but you could dial down what you do a bit. Do 20 pushups instead of 30. Plank for 45 seconds instead of 1 minute. If your wife does 30 pushups and planks for 1 minute it's not a big deal and you'll still be working out together.

I think your wife could life more weight without bulking up. Yes, women can build huge muscles, but only if they want to. You not only have to lift a lot of weight but also follow a strict diet to build huge muscles. At a certain point, lifting more weight doesn't increase your muscle size unless you also do other stuff.

And if she does get muscles that she doesn't want by adding more weight, well, they will quickly disappear if she takes that weight away. Trust me, I know. The small muscles I built going to the gym are gone now, because I don't go anymore. It's worth a try to add some more weight, she won't make any permanent changes to her body by trying the bicep curl with 5 more pounds. (Besides, you typically lower reps when you add more weight at first so it really is an incremental change.)

By the way it sounds like you made a great workout regime. Your wife has improved her fitness and maintained interest which is very hard to do.

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Judah

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2011, 05:37:00 PM »
Dude... she's your wife.

*snip incredibly judgemental text *

I can't believe you just berated a poster coming to this board for help with interpersonal relations. Reason is just like every other eheller  on here asking how to discuss things with their spouse. Your emphases where unhelpful and snarky.

I see no snark and I think blueberry.muffin's response to the OP is quite valid considering his own words.

I think without the forum I would never really talk to her about my problem.
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Two Ravens

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2011, 05:46:57 PM »
Dude... she's your wife.

*snip incredibly judgemental text *

I can't believe you just berated a poster coming to this board for help with interpersonal relations. Reason is just like every other eheller  on here asking how to discuss things with their spouse. Your emphases where unhelpful and snarky.

I see no snark and I think blueberry.muffin's response to the OP is quite valid considering his own words.

I think without the forum I would never really talk to her about my problem.

I agree. Communication is key for any good relationship. If the OP and wife are having trouble talking to each other about minor things like haircuts and gym progress, perhaps counseling would help them develop better ways to talk to each other.

MariaE

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2011, 05:55:58 PM »
Agreed. Especially as giving relationship advice is really outside the scope of this forum. I could see the etiquette question in the haircut post - not so much in this one.

Dude... she's your wife.

*snip incredibly judgemental text *

I can't believe you just berated a poster coming to this board for help with interpersonal relations. Reason is just like every other eheller  on here asking how to discuss things with their spouse. Your emphases where unhelpful and snarky.

I see no snark and I think blueberry.muffin's response to the OP is quite valid considering his own words.

I think without the forum I would never really talk to her about my problem.

I agree. Communication is key for any good relationship. If the OP and wife are having trouble talking to each other about minor things like haircuts and gym progress, perhaps counseling would help them develop better ways to talk to each other.
 
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Amava

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2011, 06:14:33 PM »
I see no problem at all with anonymously asking for some strangers' input before approaching a topic with one's significant other (or in between tries).
I would have no problem with it at all if my husband did so, as long as he indeed kept it anonymous and respectful.
Sure, communication and openness are important in a marriage, but sometimes it can be so good and enlightening to hear the input of people who are not in the middle of the situation, who are not personally involved, who enter fresh into the issue and can look at it from a distance. You don't always need "counselling" or a therapist for every little thing! Sometimes, the wisdom of a few e-hellions is enough to make you (general you) see something you had been completely blindsiding yourself from. Or to make you see that something you have been stressing about and overthinking, is actually by far not as complicated as you had been working it up to be.

I see nothing wrong with what the OP posted. Except, maybe, that it wasn't really an etiquette issue and would have been better placed in the coffeebreak folder.

« Last Edit: December 10, 2011, 06:16:20 PM by Amava »

gramma dishes

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2011, 06:24:44 PM »
I see no problem at all with anonymously asking for some strangers' input before approaching a topic with one's significant other (or in between tries).
I would have no problem with it at all if my husband did so, as long as he indeed kept it anonymous and respectful.
Sure, communication and openness are important in a marriage, but sometimes it can be so good and enlightening to hear the input of people who are not in the middle of the situation, who are not personally involved, who enter fresh into the issue and can look at it from a distance. You don't always need "counselling" or a therapist for every little thing! Sometimes, the wisdom of a few e-hellions is enough to make you (general you) see something you had been completely blindsiding yourself from. Or to make you see that something you have been stressing about and overthinking, is actually by far not as complicated as you had been working it up to be.

I see nothing wrong with what the OP posted.    ...

Ditto!  Beautifully said!

War_Doc

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #23 on: December 11, 2011, 01:57:33 AM »
blueberry.muffin, your comment was totally inappropriate and uncalled for.  I suggest you re-read the rules of this forum to learn proper etiquette when posting.
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EduardosGirl

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #24 on: December 11, 2011, 06:41:21 AM »
Agreed. Especially as giving relationship advice is really outside the scope of this forum. I could see the etiquette question in the haircut post - not so much in this one.

Dude... she's your wife.

*snip incredibly judgemental text *

I can't believe you just berated a poster coming to this board for help with interpersonal relations. Reason is just like every other eheller  on here asking how to discuss things with their spouse. Your emphases where unhelpful and snarky.

I see no snark and I think blueberry.muffin's response to the OP is quite valid considering his own words.

I think without the forum I would never really talk to her about my problem.

I agree. Communication is key for any good relationship. If the OP and wife are having trouble talking to each other about minor things like haircuts and gym progress, perhaps counseling would help them develop better ways to talk to each other.

I agree with the above posters. I didn't see snark or inappropriate comments and I also didn't really see the etiquette question.

Reason

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #25 on: December 12, 2011, 09:49:49 AM »
Dude... she's your wife.

With this post and the last few threads you've started, you seem to be coming to the forum for advice on how to approach your wife with various questions, concerns, problems... in short, how to talk to her.

But she's your wife.

No one should know you better than her. I can't even wrap my mind around the idea that you'd rather speak with a bunch of strangers than your wife over not just one, but several issues that concern no one other than you and your wife.

Quite frankly, I'd be horrified if I discovered my husband didn't know how to approach me over multiple topics that troubled him. Out of anyone else in the world he knows me best; he loves me best. There would be serious issues with our marriage if he felt he couldn't talk to me about problems that are as benign as yours.

I'm not going to comment on anything beyond this; I recognize it's a harsh post, and likely an unwelcome opinion. But I do think it's something that needed to be said.

Perhaps it's just me, but I don't find that speaking directly to my wife on every possible issue has worked for me to achieve the desired effect 100% of the time. For example if I think a particular set of jeans make my wife look fat, or that she cooked a horrendous meal I would be very much an idiot to go ahead and directly tell her that without properly formulating my concern within rules of etiquette.

Now I could waltz up to my wife and tell her that she is embarrassing me by surpassing my abilities, but as I am not sure how she will take it I prefer to get input on my approach from various sources. One of which is this forum.

I can understand that you'd be horrified if your husband censored himself before communicating with you and it is quite possible, that your husband is gifted with a greater sense of empathy than I am and does not need to do so. If that works for you, great. I am happy that you are able to have such a flawless relationship. It does not however work for me.

I have made my wife cry on multiple occasions with a comment that I may have considered innocuous. My motivation here, is not to upset her. I find this forum to be a great place to ask how to say something politely if I am not sure if it would be polite to say it all (which is most certainly an etiquette issue, especially in the dating and relationship board). Now, if this upsets certain people, I am sorry. But also these people are under no obligation to contribute to my question.

Petticoats

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #26 on: December 12, 2011, 11:43:18 AM »
Reason, it's great that you talked to your wife about this. I think all of the posters in this thread would agree that that was the best plan for you to pursue, and I'm glad it had such a positive outcome.

I can't presume to speak for others, but my take on blueberry muffin's post was that it was responding to the fact that your original post did not ask, "How should I talk to my wife about this?" or even "Should I talk to my wife about this?" It asked what you should do, out of a few options--none of which was talking to your wife.

I think (again, this is my interpretation) that B. muffin's post was an attempt to point out that this very important step was not something you seemed to be considering.

I can't comment on your other threads, as B. muffin did, but I wanted to mention that I can see why posters would be concerned that communication didn't seem to be on your list of possibilities. I'm very glad that in fact this was on the table and that it was the action that you took.

My feeling is that coming to a forum like ours for suggestions on how best to discuss an issue is a perfectly fine thing to do, even a smart thing. If talking to the forum had been instead a substitute for talking to the person involved, that would seem to be a less constructive action. Fortunately, in your case, it wasn't an either-or situation. :)

Yvaine

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #27 on: December 12, 2011, 12:06:39 PM »
Perhaps it's just me, but I don't find that speaking directly to my wife on every possible issue has worked for me to achieve the desired effect 100% of the time. For example if I think a particular set of jeans make my wife look fat, or that she cooked a horrendous meal I would be very much an idiot to go ahead and directly tell her that without properly formulating my concern within rules of etiquette.

Now I could waltz up to my wife and tell her that she is embarrassing me by surpassing my abilities, but as I am not sure how she will take it I prefer to get input on my approach from various sources. One of which is this forum.

I can understand that you'd be horrified if your husband censored himself before communicating with you and it is quite possible, that your husband is gifted with a greater sense of empathy than I am and does not need to do so. If that works for you, great. I am happy that you are able to have such a flawless relationship. It does not however work for me.

I have made my wife cry on multiple occasions with a comment that I may have considered innocuous. My motivation here, is not to upset her. I find this forum to be a great place to ask how to say something politely if I am not sure if it would be polite to say it all (which is most certainly an etiquette issue, especially in the dating and relationship board). Now, if this upsets certain people, I am sorry. But also these people are under no obligation to contribute to my question.

I think there is a difference between "talking directly to your wife" as in talking to her rather than to others about her, and "talking directly to your wife" as in talking really bluntly and without tact. I think the two different meanings of "direct" are getting in the way here. I don't think anyone is recommending that you should express yourself rudely to her, and you are right that brainstorming a tactful way to express things is a major benefit of a forum like this.  :)

Teenyweeny

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #28 on: December 12, 2011, 12:25:02 PM »
Blueberry muffin was perhaps a little direct, but honestly, I have been thinking the same thing. And I think it about every poster who comes here with an issue that could be dealt with by talking to the person (or people) involved.

Now, some posters will ask, "how should I tell X person how I feel about Y issue?", and that is a valid question.

If a poster asks, "how should I deal with Y issue?", and doesn't even consider that they should talk to X, then that is usually indicative of a communication problem.

Speaking directly to the person involved, if that's a relationship you want to nurture, will always get the best results. Of course, you might have to look inside yourself, and figure out why something is bothering you first. Then express your concerns with honesty and tact.

Wife looks bad in her jeans.

Ask yourself: why  does this bother me? Is it more important to me that she wears what I think looks good, or that she feels good about what she wears? etc,etc. You'll probably come to the conclusion that it's best to say nothing, unless your opinion has been directly asked for.

Wife cooks a bad meal
Ask yourself: why does this bother me? Is it something she will cook again? I don't want to eat a bad dinner. Best to say that I wasn't a fan of specific elements of the dish (rather than her cooking in general), and if she makes it again, could she change those things?

Wife can do more challenging workout
Ask yourself: why does this bother me? Do I worry that she's bored with the workout? Then I'll ask her.

Do I feel like I'm not the physically stronger one, and that bothers me because I like to feel like the 'man', and now I have a wife who is demonstrably fitter than me? Especially since I have recent health diagnoses that make me feel weaker than I used to be? Again, I should talk to my wife, since she's supposed to be my support in life. I should let her reassure me and bolster my confidence, because that's what spouses do for each other.

Honesty with yourself  and your partner about your concerns and the motivations behind them is key. Seeing your partner as a code to be cracked generally leads to bigger issues down the line.



Reason

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Re: I can't keep up with her...
« Reply #29 on: December 12, 2011, 02:11:04 PM »
As far as open communication goes, it's important, but only within reason and hardly in all cases.

Here are some hypotheticals where it is almost certainly better not to say anything:
Does my wife really need to know I can't stand her mother because she's loud arrogant and pushy in her opinions?
Does my wife really need to know that I am attracted to her sister?
Does my wife really need to know that I think her education leaves a lot to be desired?

Because of the inaccuracy of reading I will point out twice that these are hypotheticals and are not the case here. But I am sure my point is pretty clear.

The problem is it's not always obvious to me when I should and should not say something. "Just ask your wife" is too simplistic and does not work when your upbringing and culture are very different. Just asking can in fact be quite offensive.

For example:
"Why did you gain 80 lbs in the last month?"
"Is your mother a member of the KKK?"
etc..