Author Topic: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry  (Read 4956 times)

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CrayonOutlines

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Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« on: December 09, 2011, 02:41:27 PM »
A guy contacted me on a dating site and we emailed a few times and chatted on the phone once.  On Tuesday, he invited me out for  dinner on Friday and I accepted.  I didn't feel a real connection in those conversations, but the guys I do feel connections with end up being no bueno (not good), so I thought I'd challenge myself.  In the interval between the invitation and the date, my gut reaction became clearer that I didn't want to go (and I've learned to always trust my gut in the dating arena -- even when I've ignored it, it usually turns out to be right).  I wanted to cancel because (1) I didn't think it was nice of me to let this guy pay for my dinner when I was pretty sure it wouldn't go anywhere and (2) I just didn't want to go -- I would have rathered sit at home with my dog and watch TV.  But I didn't because I didn't want to hurt his feelings (rejecting him before even meeting him seemed harsh).  So I went and we managed a decent conversation; he's a nice guy, just not the nice guy for me.  He paid, there was an awkward hug at the end, and I haven't heard from him since.

What say you?  Should I have canceled?  Gone ahead with it like I did?  (I didn't consider going and paying for myself because, well, if I was in charge of my dinner that night, I would have had it at home alone.)

Bethczar

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2011, 02:46:40 PM »
Unless your gut was telling you he was a serial killer, rather than just a "no chemestry" date, you had nothing to lose by going out with him. That's what first dates are for. You never know who you might have chemestry with, and if he was willing to pay for the dinner, it's not rude.

« Last Edit: December 09, 2011, 02:48:15 PM by Bethczar »

Ruelz

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #2 on: December 09, 2011, 02:57:18 PM »
I agree...nothing ventured, nothing gained...

That's a risk you take while dating...it's expected.
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Two Ravens

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #3 on: December 09, 2011, 03:00:40 PM »
I would have cancelled or insisted on paying for my own meal. I think its a bit strange to make him pay for your meal since you didn't want to be there, yet you agreed to go.

Cosmasia

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #4 on: December 09, 2011, 04:21:31 PM »
I would have cancelled or insisted on paying for my own meal. I think its a bit strange to make him pay for your meal since you didn't want to be there, yet you agreed to go.

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TurtleDove

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #5 on: December 09, 2011, 04:26:04 PM »
(I didn't consider going and paying for myself because, well, if I was in charge of my dinner that night, I would have had it at home alone.)

You were in charge of your dinner that night!  I don't think you did anything wrong really, but I would have offered to pay for my meal. 

Silversurfer

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #6 on: December 09, 2011, 04:45:16 PM »
The thing about dates is that you never know if you will find chemistry or if you will find a friend.
Maybe you found a friend!
And really dont worry about him paying for dinner - it maybe a 'thing' that he has, that if he invites someone out for dinner, that he pays for them.
(its just good hosting really!)
Better luck next time.

Kaypeep

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #7 on: December 09, 2011, 04:53:57 PM »
I'd go.  It's good practice, and you never know what could come of it.  A good friend.  He might have a friend.  Just make the connection.  If you feel bad about him paying for dinner, offer to pay your share and preemptively eat moderately priced food, no dessert and no alcohol.  He will be grateful you didn't take advantage of him.  Consider it good practice for HIM, like you're doing a good thing for the next girl if he is better versed at dating and conversation.  :)

CrayonOutlines

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #8 on: December 09, 2011, 08:18:40 PM »
Yeah, I picked a moderate meal and drank Diet Coke.  He ordered dessert (that we shared) and coffee.  And he immediately grabbed the bill when it came. 

I dunno.  I try to put myself in other people's shoes and it would hurt my feelings if someone canceled on me without giving me a chance, but then it would also irritate me if I knew that someone went out with me knowing they probably wouldn't click with me.  The operative words would be if I KNEW it because, if I didn't, then it wouldn't bother me, and if my date KNEW in advance that there wasn't likely a chance.

I told my friends at work that I was thinking about canceling and they said I should go.   They acted like it would be silly not to go.

ilrag

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #9 on: December 09, 2011, 08:39:42 PM »
What made you think there wouldn't be any kind of connection?

CrayonOutlines

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #10 on: December 09, 2011, 08:56:06 PM »
What made you think there wouldn't be any kind of connection?

He didn't make me laugh (in writing or on the phone) and that's VERY important to me.  But, like I said, the guys who've made me laugh have also broken my heart, so I was trying to broaden my horizons.  But, when it came down to it, I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to be a match.

Two Ravens

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #11 on: December 09, 2011, 09:21:21 PM »
It's one thing to go on a date and not be sure about the guy. It's another to go, and know that you're not going to offer to pay since you'd rather be elsewhere.

You said you had no intention of offering to pay. That's what sounds off about the whole thing to me.
« Last Edit: December 09, 2011, 09:23:31 PM by Two Ravens »

VorFemme

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #12 on: December 09, 2011, 10:05:56 PM »
I went on two dates with a guy who was a friend's brother.  No chemistry with the friend...........but I gave the guy two chances.  He did make me laugh..........but I can laugh with friends & relatives.  He seemed to want chemistry - which wasn't happening.  (This was almost forty years ago - so the "rules" were in flux between what they had been even ten years earlier and what they are now.)  I found someone else with chemistry..............later found out that he reacted chemically with a LOT of young women my age & that relationship ended.

About the time I was getting over the breakup, I went on three or four dates with another guy - some chemistry - but I started dating VorGuy about two weeks later.........and there was chemistry, oh, boy, was there chemistry!  Thirty-six years and two kids later - I don't look back at the other guys and wonder what might have been.  Because "no chemistry" isn't something that you look back on.......and "ran around on me while I was his GF" isn't something I feel nostalgic for either............
Let sleeping dragons be.......morning breath......need I say more?

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #13 on: December 09, 2011, 10:34:58 PM »
I have a friend who refuses to go on first dates with men, unless they're a guy who she can "totally see herself marrying".

Her logic is completely back-to front, and she has never had a proper boyfriend (at the age of 30). 

My point is, I don't think you have anything to lose by going on a date with a person who you don't feel any chemistry for. I believe that sometimes, chemistry can develop over time, rather than appearing instantly.

However, I would have insisted on paying for my meal, if I didn't want to see him again.

Sophia

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #14 on: December 09, 2011, 10:39:28 PM »
When I was young and broke I went out with a guy I actively disliked.  He asked me out.  He said he had actively disliked me too, but that I was doing something really cute and he asked me out before he stopped to think.  I knew him from work and knew he wasn't dangerous.  I thought he was asking me out to lunch right then and I said yes because I was hungry and totally broke.  When he said, he meant Friday, I almost said, "But I'll have my paycheck by then!"  We went out and we really hit it off.  In fact, our second date (or date#1 partB was dinner).  We dated for a little over 5 years and before DH he was my longest relationship.  In fact, that reminds me, I wasn't sure if DH and I had chemistry until our first kiss.  I really liked him, but then we kissed and then I knew we had chemistry.