Author Topic: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry  (Read 4724 times)

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SisJackson

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #15 on: December 09, 2011, 10:48:36 PM »
My point is, I don't think you have anything to lose by going on a date with a person who you don't feel any chemistry for. I believe that sometimes, chemistry can develop over time, rather than appearing instantly.

However, I would have insisted on paying for my meal, if I didn't want to see him again.

I agree with this completely.

I also think that it's fine to refuse a date with a man if you'd rather not go out with him, but once you've made plans and arrangements then it's very rude to decide you have something better to do instead (which is what the OP decided that sitting at home was) and cancel.

While I might not insist on paying my own way if I knew I wasn't interested by the end of the meal, I would at least make a sincere offer and not be offended if he were to take me up on it and go Dutch.

Raintree

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #16 on: December 10, 2011, 12:34:03 AM »
I know not everyone would agree it's the right thing to do, but I personally would have cancelled. If a guy doesn't spark my interest in writing then I have a hard time mustering up any enthusiasm to meet. Phones are a little different because people can get nervous on the phone, but in writing there's an opportunity to show your personality or your sense of humour or just that you have something interesting to say.  If I've met first and there's no "chemistry" then I'm not interested at all. I don't mean chemistry as in fireworks, as I know that takes time to build sometimes, but there has to be SOMETHING there to spark my interest in order for me to want to spend any time together to learn more.

I have also had those "darn, I accepted because I felt put on the spot, and I really, really don't want to go" moments and I've made my excuses and cancelled. Rude? Maybe, but when it comes to dating I also like to trust my gut and in the long run, it saves the guy from wasting his time on a person who isn't interested anyway.

Only thing is, in the OP's case I would have probably offered to pay my share even if he did grab the bill. If he refused to accept my share, then I figure that's his prerogative. I don't think paying for dinner entitles him to another date, or anything else.

hobish

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #17 on: December 10, 2011, 02:39:46 AM »
What made you think there wouldn't be any kind of connection?

He didn't make me laugh (in writing or on the phone) and that's VERY important to me.  But, like I said, the guys who've made me laugh have also broken my heart, so I was trying to broaden my horizons.  But, when it came down to it, I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to be a match.

Eh. You never know. I've gone on dates where i thought there would be chemistry and they went completely flat. I've gone on dates where we had a lot of fun and fun was the end result even if the chemistry was great. There's nothing rude in testing it out. That's what dating is for, no?

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diesel_darlin

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #18 on: December 10, 2011, 02:46:09 AM »
I dont know that I would have cancelled. I would have probably went just to see if maybe there was something about this guy that piqued my interests. I would have probably gone dutch, though.

I knew my hubby for quite a while before we got together. We were co-workers. We worked in different departments, so we really never had any opportunity to work together, or get to know each other. I heard he was interested in me, but I was dating someone else, and wasnt really interested in him. I wound up giving him a chance.

BUT... If youre more comfy with staying with your gut instincts, by all means do so. It could possibly prevent major heartaches in the long run. Best of luck!

Yvaine

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #19 on: December 10, 2011, 08:04:00 AM »
What made you think there wouldn't be any kind of connection?

He didn't make me laugh (in writing or on the phone) and that's VERY important to me.  But, like I said, the guys who've made me laugh have also broken my heart, so I was trying to broaden my horizons.  But, when it came down to it, I knew in my gut that it wasn't going to be a match.

Eh. You never know. I've gone on dates where i thought there would be chemistry and they went completely flat. I've gone on dates where we had a lot of fun and fun was the end result even if the chemistry was great. There's nothing rude in testing it out. That's what dating is for, no?

I agree. Some time ago I met a guy online and we clicked instantly. We had amazing e-chemistry! And then when we finally met, there was no physical chemistry on my end. I just wasn't attracted to him. To make it more awkward, he was still attracted to me.  :-\ He's a great guy and we ended up being friends, though.

My current BF, I've actually known for a long time, and the first time I met him, I just didn't see the appeal. I wasn't looking anyway at the time, but someone had told me she found him hot and I didn't get it. A few years later I ran into him at an event and suddenly he was hot! I still don't know what happened.  :D But it works.

You just never know with dating, and I don't see a problem with going just to be sure. I'd probably go dutch if we didn't click, but (a) it sounds like the OP's date pounced on the check so she couldn't even if she wanted to, and (b) he may be operating on the "the one who asks, pays" rule."

CrayonOutlines

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #20 on: December 10, 2011, 10:16:08 AM »
So, it seems like the prevailing thought is to go just in case (which is what I did).  Here's a question about the rules for paying for myself (which I always offer to do, but guys generally don't take me up on it*) since some people seem to be upset with me that I went on the date and didn't pay:

A woman should pay for herself when she goes on a first date and...
(Check all that apply)
1. ...has a pretty good feeling that it won't be a match. It isn't a match and there won't be a second date.
2. ...has a pretty good feeling that it won't be a match. It may be a match and she's open to a second date.
3. ...has a pretty good feeling that it won't be a match. It's totally a match and there will definitely be a second date.
4. ...is neutral about whether it will be a match. It isn't a match and there won't be a second date.
5. ...is neutral about whether it will be a match. It may be a match and she's open to a second date.
6. ...is neutral about whether it will be a match. It's totally a match and there will definitely be a second date.
7. ...is pretty sure it will be a match. It isn't a match and there won't be a second date.
8. ...is pretty sure it will be a match. It may be a match and she's open to a second date.
9. ...is pretty sure it will be a match. It's totally a match and there will definitely be a second date.
10. ...I'm not sure why you're asking this because the woman should ALWAYS pay for herself on the first date.
11. ...I'm not sure why you're asking this because the woman should NEVER pay for herself on the first date.
12. ...it depends and I'll be super specific about explaining the variables that matter:




*I'm pretty sure I offered on this most recent date, too, but I can't remember for sure since it was pretty clear that he was offering to pay.


Yvaine

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #21 on: December 10, 2011, 10:25:44 AM »
*I'm pretty sure I offered on this most recent date, too, but I can't remember for sure since it was pretty clear that he was offering to pay.

And I think you're fine either way. He asked, so technically he should pay. And I don't think (a) that a woman owes a man anything in exchange for him paying for dinner other than a thank you, or (b) that you were under any obligation to decline based on your gut feeling. You could have been wrong and fallen hard for him! You just never know. (I might offer to go dutch myself, but I have an overactive sense of guilt. My dutch comment was not meant as a prescriptive, sorry!)

Two Ravens

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #22 on: December 10, 2011, 12:05:39 PM »
*I'm pretty sure I offered on this most recent date, too, but I can't remember for sure since it was pretty clear that he was offering to pay.

You said in your OP:
  (I didn't consider going and paying for myself because, well, if I was in charge of my dinner that night, I would have had it at home alone.)

My personal philosophy was that I always offered to spilt the check or leave the tip on the first date.  If he demurred, that was fine, but I always offered.

DuBois

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #23 on: December 10, 2011, 12:16:27 PM »
*I'm pretty sure I offered on this most recent date, too, but I can't remember for sure since it was pretty clear that he was offering to pay.

You said in your OP:
  (I didn't consider going and paying for myself because, well, if I was in charge of my dinner that night, I would have had it at home alone.)

My personal philosophy was that I always offered to spilt the check or leave the tip on the first date.  If he demurred, that was fine, but I always offered.

I totally disagree that Courtney needed to offer. He (or she) who offers, pays. Nothing rude about it at all. I agree that it might have been a bit rude to cancel (NOT rude if you were gettting hinky vibes, but as you weren't , I think you did the right thing)

CrayonOutlines

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #24 on: December 10, 2011, 11:18:34 PM »
*I'm pretty sure I offered on this most recent date, too, but I can't remember for sure since it was pretty clear that he was offering to pay.

You said in your OP:
  (I didn't consider going and paying for myself because, well, if I was in charge of my dinner that night, I would have had it at home alone.)

My personal philosophy was that I always offered to spilt the check or leave the tip on the first date.  If he demurred, that was fine, but I always offered.


Two Ravens, have I done something to offend you personally?  I get it -- you think I suck.  Are you my date from the other night or something?

Two Ravens

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #25 on: December 11, 2011, 10:14:49 AM »
Two Ravens, have I done something to offend you personally?  I get it -- you think I suck.  Are you my date from the other night or something?

Excuse me? All I did was point out a disconnected between what you said in the OP and what you said later. Then I gave you my personal opinion on paying and first dates, which you asked for in post 20. I have no idea why you think I am offended or whatever, but don't worry. I won't post in your threads anymore. Good luck with the dating.

Yvaine

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #26 on: December 11, 2011, 10:16:26 AM »
Two Ravens, have I done something to offend you personally?  I get it -- you think I suck.  Are you my date from the other night or something?

Excuse me? All I did was point out a disconnected between what you said in the OP and what you said later.

I think she didn't consider paying earlier in the day when she was thinking about canceling, but then offered later while on the actual date.

DuBois

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #27 on: December 11, 2011, 10:17:05 AM »
Two Ravens, have I done something to offend you personally?  I get it -- you think I suck.  Are you my date from the other night or something?

Excuse me? All I did was point out a disconnected between what you said in the OP and what you said later. Then I gave you my personal opinion on paying and first dates, which you asked for in post 20. I have no idea why you think I am offended or whatever, but don't worry. I won't post in your threads anymore. Good luck with the dating.

I, too, got a very judgemental vibe from your posts, so I don't at all blame Courtney for her reaction.

CrayonOutlines

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #28 on: December 11, 2011, 10:52:04 AM »
but don't worry. I won't post in your threads anymore.

Thanks, especially if you're just going to pick me apart for having private thoughts that differ from my actions.  Most adults I know (including me) demonstrate the ability to maintain appropriate outward behavior despite thoughts that may be uncharitable/irritated/tired/frustrated/confused/conflicted/unsure/other-less-than-happy-or-confident-adjectives.

diesel_darlin

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Re: Going on a date when you're pretty sure there won't be chemistry
« Reply #29 on: December 11, 2011, 11:21:04 AM »
Sooooo how did it go?