Miss Manners and charitable contributions as gifts

[violinp]

I'm the odd one out on this topic as usual.  I love receiving charity donations as gifts.  Likely this is because I've never received one where I didn't support the charity, so they were always thoughtful presents (or my friends/family just got lucky!)

Oh, I love charitable donations as gifts too - I just think it's something that should be discussed beforehand so someone doesn't donate for another person to the National Heffalump and Woozle Fund when the person on whose behalf the money is donated would prefer the money go to the Lullaby League. In other words, it's not a "surprise!" gift.

[pierrotlunaire0]

I have donated through Heifer before, but it was always in my name, because it was a gift to me.  I also would not mind if someone made a donation in my name as their gift to me, but I do have a very secret underhanded motive: having bought a new house, I am determined to keep it clutter free and have been working all year at getting rid of more and more stuff.

[The Wild One, Forever]

My parents are well off and have everything they could possibly need or want.  However, they always love the gifts we give them and are genuinely appreciative.  One year, we made a generous donation, in their name, to a local organization which was doing a "Give A Christmas" campaign, in which they would help needy families in our area.  The parents thought it was great, and it went over very well with them.  However, in general, I do agree that charitable contributions as gifts is a "know your recipient" thing, but the same is true for any kind of gift.

[Isisnin]

Small gifts purchased from a charity or store that supports a charity are nice for the office.  I once worked in an office that was big on gift giving.  In my position, that meant gifts for the office staff (15+).

I found local charities that sold candy or cookies with a gift tag saying "a portion of..)  and bought those.  Seemed to be appreciated by everyone.

[Surianne]

I'm the odd one out on this topic as usual.  I love receiving charity donations as gifts.  Likely this is because I've never received one where I didn't support the charity, so they were always thoughtful presents (or my friends/family just got lucky!)

Oh, I love charitable donations as gifts too - I just think it's something that should be discussed beforehand so someone doesn't donate for another person to the National Heffalump and Woozle Fund when the person on whose behalf the money is donated would prefer the money go to the Lullaby League. In other words, it's not a "surprise!" gift.

I agree on that one.  I think the surprise gift can work if you know the person well enough to know which charities they support (I know the pet causes of most of my friends and family, and I know which member of my family hate charitable donations as gifts).  But if you're at all unsure, far better to discuss it ahead of time than to offend someone you were trying to give a gift to!

[IrishGenes]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

[KenveeB]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

I'd just buy something else that I thought they would like.  Gift suggestions are just that, not commands.  If they actually asked me why (which I think would be incredibly rude), then I'd just say "Oh, I thought you'd like this."

[Searcher]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

I think that "I'm sorry, but that won't be possible" should work as a response.  And the only gift I would give is a card-to her-wishing her a happy holiday.

[567Kate]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

I'd just buy something else that I thought they would like.  Gift suggestions are just that, not commands.  If they actually asked me why (which I think would be incredibly rude), then I'd just say "Oh, I thought you'd like this."

This is what I would do.

[Shea]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

This year, my grandmother asked for a donation to the Humane Society as her Christmas present. So we've done that, but also got her a few other small things so she'll have something to open on Christmas.

If, hypothetically, she'd have asked for a donation to an organization to which we are opposed, I suppose we'd have tried to think of something else. But it would have been awkward.

[SamiHami]

A gift for someone should be, well, for that person.  Giving a charitable donation so you can feel warm and fuzzy is not a gift for someone.  Giving a charitable donation because you know the cause is something that the person supports and would appreciate the gift is.  That's the distinction to me.  Like anything else, you should select a gift with the recipient in mind and find something they will appreciate.  A random charitable donation can be just as thoughtless a gift as an ugly sweater.

Sometimes I think that when people say it's the thought that counts, that means they actually have to think about giving an appropriate gift!  Missing the mark is one thing, but not even trying to something else entirely.

Precisely-very well said. Please don't give money to some organization that I may or may not support and then call it a gift to me. It's more honest to simply say that you aren't giving gifts this year because you are giving the money to charity instead.

[Ceallach]

I might have missed this in this thread or in another one, so forgive me if this is a duplicate question.

What do you do, though, when you ask a relative for gift suggestions, and she says to make a donation/contribution to the Turquoise Tortoise Society in her name and gives you no other ideas?  What does one do when they are fundamentally opposed to the organization the gift recipient specifically asks you to support in her name?  Should you explain why you aren't going to make a donation in her name (because while you don't have problems with turquoise tortoises in general, you don't approve of the society's methodology, or because they move too slow, or you really think they should be purple instead...)?  The same person would not make a donation to one of your favorite charities, because she finds their practices "wrong".

How do you say, "Nope, not gonna do that.  How about a subscription to the Jelly of the Month Club?"

I'd just buy something else that I thought they would like.  Gift suggestions are just that, not commands.  If they actually asked me why (which I think would be incredibly rude), then I'd just say "Oh, I thought you'd like this."

This, exactly.   Just because you ask them and they give you a suggestion in no way obligates you to follow that suggestion.