Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, New Update #107

[Fleur-de-Lis]

I completely agree. It's one thing to send it to maybe one friend and laugh about it, it's quite another to take the picture and send it to many people with the intent to mock and make fun of it.

That shows very poor boundaries and judgement.

I'm not really sure I see a difference here. 

[ilrag]

How attention grabbing are these rings? 

It doesn't really change the etiquette of the situation I'm just curious.

Are they plain bands, with writing on the inside?  Are they huge and bright colored and fit together like old school "best friends" necklaces?

Some times things are attention grabbing on purpose, and some times people go out of their way to find things to pick on.

[Teenyweeny]

There is a bit of a difference.


If I send a picture of my friend's hideous lamp to my sister, we're laughing at the lamp. My sister doesn't know any of my friends, she's just laughing at the ugly lamp.

If I invite a mutual friend to laugh at our friend's ugly lamp, I'm asking her to keep our mocking secret from our friend, and creating divisions in the group. Not cool.

[Surianne]

And to me, I could roll my eyes at certain things that couples do (like dress alike), but just because I don't prefer it in my own relationship doesn't make it ok for me to take pictures of the clothes and email them to other friends so that we can laugh at them together.

Just to clarify -- the rolling eyes part was in response to the accusations of jealousy.  I just wanted to make the point that not everyone who hates romantic gestures or PDA is automatically jealous. 

Couples *love* to jump to that defense, but sometimes people don't like that stuff because...they don't like it.  For me, it doesn't change when I'm in a relationship -- it's still not my thing.  I don't wear matching stuff, I don't let guys feed me fries, I don't kiss in public -- it's just not for me.  So her objection to the ring might be simply that it's cheesy and tacky and she's a little exhausted by Todd and Jenny's relationship (same couple from the birthday thread, I think).

So if the OP does decide to do something about this, I would leave accusations of jealousy out of it.  That will just make her angry and put her on the defensive (rightly so, imo). 

As for the rest -- I figured there wouldn't be much agreement with my post, so I'm happy to disagree on the privacy issue.  For me, personally, it isn't a big deal.  For others, it obviously is, and I don't think that feeling is wrong at all, it's just different from how I would react. 

[bah12]

I think where this "Friend" character mesed up was in showing the OP. And in pretending to be Todd & Jennys friend when she doesn't really like them.

Taking a quick pic of a ring left out in the open on a table and ending it to far away, non-mutual riends to make fun of these people I think was fine. I mean if it had been a picture of a lamp "hey look the people I'm cat sittin for have the leg lamp from A christmas Story!" would it be a violation? I don't think so; No different then a ring left on a table.

Why is it ok to make fun of people any time?  She's mocking them.  I'd be really hurt if I found out a friend had done that to me.  It wouldn't make it feel any better that I didn't know the people she was laughing with.

And the ring and lamp are very different, IMO.  Saying "look at this recognizable lamp from a movie most everyone is familiar with and anyone can get" is not anywhere close to the same as "look at this personalized ring, symbolizing this couple's  relationship.  Isn't it worthy of a good laugh?"

[lady_disdain]

If it was no great deal, why didn't she ask the owner if she might take a picture of the ring? Probably because she knew the owner wouldn't like it. So taking it behind his back is an abuse of trust.

Then, to use this photo to make fun and mock them publicly? That is a serious breach of friendship. I don't expect my friends to approve everything I do and every choice I make, but I do expect them to refrain from mocking it and making a huge, public thing of something that was between me and my SO (in this case, Jenny and Todd don't seem to be flaunting their special rings, since the OP had never seen them herself). And, based on the OP, she sent the photos and rude comments to a very wide number of people, so it wasn't a case of a quiet vent either.

I think friend crossed quite a number of lines and I would rethink my level of trust in her, if not the friendship entirely. I would certainly not give her access to my private spaces.

[bah12]

How attention grabbing are these rings? 

It doesn't really change the etiquette of the situation I'm just curious.

Are they plain bands, with writing on the inside?  Are they huge and bright colored and fit together like old school "best friends" necklaces?

Some times things are attention grabbing on purpose, and some times people go out of their way to find things to pick on.

The OP said they were discreet to the point that she hasn't even noticed them.

[WillyNilly]

I think where this "Friend" character mesed up was in showing the OP. And in pretending to be Todd & Jennys friend when she doesn't really like them.

Taking a quick pic of a ring left out in the open on a table and ending it to far away, non-mutual riends to make fun of these people I think was fine. I mean if it had been a picture of a lamp "hey look the people I'm cat sittin for have the leg lamp from A christmas Story!" would it be a violation? I don't think so; No different then a ring left on a table.

Why is it ok to make fun of people any time?  She's mocking them.  I'd be really hurt if I found out a friend had done that to me.  It wouldn't make it feel any better that I didn't know the people she was laughing with.

And the ring and lamp are very different, IMO.  Saying "look at this recognizable lamp from a movie most everyone is familiar with and anyone can get" is not anywhere close to the same as "look at this personalized ring, symbolizing this couple's  relationship.  Isn't it worthy of a good laugh?"

Well I think it is ok to make fun of people privately to one's friends so long as it never ever gets back to the people. That's why I opened with, my main issues - that the "friend" didn't do it privately. Had she just sent the pic to out of state folks, a totally non-mutual circle, that'd be fine IMO. Her rudeness was involving OP, who is friends with Todd & Jenny. Now its not private, but public. Also I think its rather low of this person to be putting on a front that she is friends CRIVINS! Todd & Jenny, since she clearly doesn't think much of them.





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[jimithing]

There is a bit of a difference.


If I send a picture of my friend's hideous lamp to my sister, we're laughing at the lamp. My sister doesn't know any of my friends, she's just laughing at the ugly lamp.

If I invite a mutual friend to laugh at our friend's ugly lamp, I'm asking her to keep our mocking secret from our friend, and creating divisions in the group. Not cool.

Exactly. There are tons of things I share with my husband, and only him, that we think are funny, in private.

[ettiquit]

Everyone talks about their friends and family, and not always in a nice way.  I love my BFF to pieces, but she can do things that drive me batty or are just plain silly.  I'll vent to my DH or mother about these things (or laugh about them).  It doesn't mean I love her any less of course.  We're human.  We gossip.

So it's not so much that this friend made fun of the ring with her far away friends.  It was taking a picture and sending it to them.  The internet is forever, so it's pretty dumb to do something like that without recognizing the risk of it coming back to haunt her. 

Involving the OP is a whole other issue.  I despise it when someone tells me something "bad" they've done to a mutual friend, and then expecting me to carry the burden of that secret. 

[bah12]

I think where this "Friend" character mesed up was in showing the OP. And in pretending to be Todd & Jennys friend when she doesn't really like them.

Taking a quick pic of a ring left out in the open on a table and ending it to far away, non-mutual riends to make fun of these people I think was fine. I mean if it had been a picture of a lamp "hey look the people I'm cat sittin for have the leg lamp from A christmas Story!" would it be a violation? I don't think so; No different then a ring left on a table.

Why is it ok to make fun of people any time?  She's mocking them.  I'd be really hurt if I found out a friend had done that to me.  It wouldn't make it feel any better that I didn't know the people she was laughing with.

And the ring and lamp are very different, IMO.  Saying "look at this recognizable lamp from a movie most everyone is familiar with and anyone can get" is not anywhere close to the same as "look at this personalized ring, symbolizing this couple's  relationship.  Isn't it worthy of a good laugh?"

Well I think it is ok to make fun of people privately to one's friends so long as it never ever gets back to the people. That's why I opened with, my main issues - that the "friend" didn't do it privately. Had she just sent the pic to out of state folks, a totally non-mutual circle, that'd be fine IMO. Her rudeness was involving OP, who is friends with Todd & Jenny. Now its not private, but public. Also I think its rather low of this person to be putting on a front that she is friends CRIVINS! Todd & Jenny, since she clearly doesn't think much of them.

[/quote]

If I have to be completely honest, I can't say that I have never made fun of a friend privately...whether it be with my DH or a non-mutual friend.  But to me, there's something so wrong about this scenario.

Jenny obviously trusts this friend or else she wouldn't have granted her access to her home while she's out of town and this friend is not just laughing about a ring she doesn't like with another good friend or an SO. She's taking pictures of it and broadcasting it out to a lot of people...that's really not all that private to me....even if these people don't know them personally. 

I don't know.  I have a bachelor friend who is redecorating his house.  I don't like how he's doing it.  I think everything clashes.  I have commented on his decor to my DH and have mocked it...I think the things I said were hurtful and wrong.  Even though I trust my DH not to ever tell this guy what I said, if he were to find out, he'd be hurt, I'm sure.  I think that was mean of me and I feel bad about it.  It might be forgivable here on ehell (or may be not), but it was still mean.
I think it would have been over the top out of line if I had taken a picture of it and emailed it to a bunch of friends so they could also laugh at it.  I have a harder time letting that go...even if it does make me a hypocrite.

[Mikayla]

I'm really puzzled that anyone would say this is ok.  Todd and Jenny trusted her with their house key and pet care, and she repays this trust by taking photos of a ring solely to mock it and pass the photos on?   Also, some people might have missed the comment in the OP that she was sending the photos to faraway friends so they could see what she'd been "talking about all this time". 

I see a world of difference between private jokes shared between someone and their DH vs a malicious act like this.  Why?  Because once you send a photo, you lose control of where it goes.  It could easily land back on Jenny's phone.  If I jokingly comment about something to my DH or sibling...it stays there.  I wouldn't make the comment otherwise.

To me, this lands in my cut direct folder.  I can't even picture any of my close friends doing something so moronic, and I'd not hesitate to tell Jenny, either.   

[Magnet]

I would never allow this "Friend" in my apartment unsupervised.  Yes, its a trust issue, and yes, its an invasion of privacy issue, and yes, its an etiquette issue, and sadly, yes, I have criticised my nearest and dearest to DH.  These are my friends/family; they are who I see and interact with on a daily basis.  They are relevant to me.

But these are comments.  They "stop" in a sense after my remark; however, cutting it may have been, and however much I regret it later. 

The picture taking?  The emailing?  It makes things....more permanent, more mean, more creepy, more unforgettable, in my opinion.  Maybe its a generational thing?  I am finding that more and more people have no problem posting their lives on the web, and thinking this is the norm.   

[Seraphia]

Another point that would bother me. Assuming this ring is made of a precious metal, what Jenny has essentially done is: go into empty house, take pictures of something valuable, let a whole bunch of people know that there are valuable things in an empty house by texting that picture to a list of contacts who may or may not have equally questionable ethics.

Friendship issues aside, that's still not cool. I don't know most of the people in your phonebook, don't send them photos of my TV/laptop/jewelry, with the caption, "Look what I found while I was feeding my neighbor's cat while she's on vacation this week!" I don't want to be mocked or robbed, thank you.

[Slartibartfast]

Another point that would bother me. Assuming this ring is made of a precious metal, what Jenny has essentially done is: go into empty house, take pictures of something valuable, let a whole bunch of people know that there are valuable things in an empty house by texting that picture to a list of contacts who may or may not have equally questionable ethics.

Friendship issues aside, that's still not cool. I don't know most of the people in your phonebook, don't send them photos of my TV/laptop/jewelry, with the caption, "Look what I found while I was feeding my neighbor's cat while she's on vacation this week!" I don't want to be mocked or robbed, thank you.

Unless these rings had five-carat diamonds on them, the ring is very likely worth less than the TV, computer, stereo, etc. already in the house.  Resale on sentimental jewelry like this is horrible, anyway.  So while I get your point, I don't think worrying about friends (who live far away) coming to rob the place, or passing on the info to someone who would, is really realistic.