Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, New Update #107

[cheyne]

Taking a picture of someones cat and passing it on to friends is not mocking.  Taking a picture of a "sweetheart" ring and passing it on to friends with disparaging comments is mocking.

I would be livid and issue the cut direct to a "frenemy" who did this to me.  If one of my friends knew about it and didn't tell me, they would be swiftly relegated to acquaintance status. 

There are some things you just don't do in a friendship.  Mocking someone so publicly with evidence you wouldn't have if not for the trust of the person you are mocking is completely beyond the pale.

[SuperMartianRobotGirl]

I would be upset if anyone who was feeding my cat while I was on vacation took and sent out a photo of anything in my home, except the cat with a "this is the cat I'm feeding" message. Taking photos of anything else is overstepping boundaries.

[Amava]

I would definitely want to know if a so-called "friend" was making fun of me behind my back. Pictures or no pictures, talking or emailing, I don't care. For me, friendship requires respect. And if people don't respect me, I tend to lose respect for them, too.

[NutMeg]

Maybe I'm paranoid, but in the internet age I do not like the idea of pictures of my belongings getting out of my control. I am pretty careful about the pictures I put on the internet, and I really don't like the idea of someone potentially bypassing that consideration. It might be a completely innocent picture, but I still want to know about it and decide if I want it to be out of my control. If it is taken of me in public, fine. If it is taken in my house without my knowledge, not cool.

[immadz]

You know I wouldn't have been too bothered if cat-sitter had taken a picture and sent it along to her best friend with a " This is so cute, I want one too." It would have sort of been a violation of privacy but to me the intent makes all the difference.

[gramma dishes]

You know I wouldn't have been too bothered if cat-sitter had taken a picture and sent it along to her best friend with a " This is so cute, I want one too." It would have sort of been a violation of privacy but to me the intent makes all the difference.

I hadn't thought about it in that way, but you're right.  Yes, it still would have been an invasion of privacy, but the attitude would be of a 'little bit of envy and wistfulness' variety rather than the "isn't this ridiculous and stupid and infantile?" variety. Therefore complimentary rather than mocking.  I agree -- it would make a huge difference!

I would probably take the pic for the purpose of sending it to the human, probably with a cutesy message from the cat along the lines of "I miss you, but JK is being an acceptable servant in your absence. Have fun!"

This is a very cute idea.  I love it. 

I think we all agree that taking a picture of the cat would have been fine (as long as she wasn't saying "Look how ugly this stupid cat is.  I can't believe I agree to babysit for it.  Isn't it creepy and mangy?").  At least she was supposed to be looking at the cat.

[NyaChan]

Non-Update Update:  I decided that I need to at least tell Jenny that Friend is not supportive of her relationship and warn her about sharing information with Friend.  I don't think that I will include specific examples, such as the ring story when talking to her about this.  I was waffling on that because on one hand I want Jenny to take the warning seriously, but on the other (and yes, I know this is kind of selfish), if Jenny reacts badly or if Todd reacts badly then it is going to cause serious trouble in our social group/study group. 

That Friend is not supportive wouldn't be so surprising, likely just a confirmation of what Todd already thinks or for Jenny, the a realization that Friend's attitude towards Todd extends to her as well.  Jenny might react by being just polite but not friendly, but I know Todd would just cut her off and he won't do it quietly.  In this gossipy atmosphere, it is almost certain that people will know that I'm the one who told them. 

I had planned to tell Jenny after Todd left for winter break as I figured it was really more about her than him, but it turns out that I mixed up their flight times so she was gone and only Todd was left.  I drove him to the airport and almost said something (sigh, finals has left my brain completely ravaged), but luckily I bit my tongue.  I will probably go for coffee or a drink with Jenny when I get back in town and talk to her about it.  Thanks for all your advice and input!!  I will let you know how it goes in January...

[gramma dishes]

Good, but you need to plan carefully exactly what you're going to say because if I were Jenny and you just said something to the effect of you didn't think Other Friend was supportive of my and Todd's relationship, I'd want to know why you said that.  I'm pretty sure I'd ask for examples of Other Friend's behavior that made you think that.

[Danismom]

Actually if she took a picture of Todd's ring, I think you should talk to him.  He's as wronged if not more so than his girlfriend.

[PaddedPaws]

Hope your talk with Jenny goes well. Keep us updated.

[Twik]

Taking a quick pic of a ring left out in the open on a table and ending it to far away, non-mutual riends to make fun of these people I think was fine. I mean if it had been a picture of a lamp "hey look the people I'm cat sittin for have the leg lamp from A christmas Story!" would it be a violation? I don't think so; No different then a ring left on a table.

Sorry, no, not fine. Talking behind other people's back, and taking photos in their home when they are not there, is not "fine".

[Last_Dance]

Friend sounds like a busybody. I definitely wouldn't trust her in my house.

Friend apparently doesn't respect people around her - or that little thing called "sentimental value."
It might have been just a tacky ring to her, but it meant something to Jenny and Todd and Friend went out of her way to make fun of it.
This girl hasn't got a tactful bone in her body.

[Winterlight]

OP, with the additional information in post #46, it's pretty obvious that Friend has absolutely no sense of boundaries. 

if i had this information, i'd be moving Friend to acquaintance status pretty quickly, and never tell her anything that i didn't want 50 of her dearest friends to know about. it's that principle that if she's talking about a mutual friend to me behind their back, she's probably talking about me to someone else behind mine.

i'd also never ask her to care for my home while i was out of town, or give her an "emergency" key. you already know of two instances, from her own mouth, where she has massively overstepped.

oh yes, and tell Jenny about what happened.

This. I would want to know, in Jenny's shoes, that I have trusted the wrong person.

I rent a basement apartment which my landlady can access. I know she goes through the hall to do laundry, but I feel perfectly secure that she's not snapping pictures of random objects  in my home. She is trustworthy, Friend is not.

[camlan]

Non-Update Update:  I decided that I need to at least tell Jenny that Friend is not supportive of her relationship and warn her about sharing information with Friend.  I don't think that I will include specific examples, such as the ring story when talking to her about this.  I was waffling on that because on one hand I want Jenny to take the warning seriously, but on the other (and yes, I know this is kind of selfish), if Jenny reacts badly or if Todd reacts badly then it is going to cause serious trouble in our social group/study group. 

That Friend is not supportive wouldn't be so surprising, likely just a confirmation of what Todd already thinks or for Jenny, the a realization that Friend's attitude towards Todd extends to her as well.  Jenny might react by being just polite but not friendly, but I know Todd would just cut her off and he won't do it quietly.  In this gossipy atmosphere, it is almost certain that people will know that I'm the one who told them. 

I had planned to tell Jenny after Todd left for winter break as I figured it was really more about her than him, but it turns out that I mixed up their flight times so she was gone and only Todd was left.  I drove him to the airport and almost said something (sigh, finals has left my brain completely ravaged), but luckily I bit my tongue.  I will probably go for coffee or a drink with Jenny when I get back in town and talk to her about it.  Thanks for all your advice and input!!  I will let you know how it goes in January...

To be blunt, I think the serious trouble in your social group is going to happen at some point. With a "friend" like this, I'm anticipating that she'll do something, at some point in time, to someone and then all heck will break loose.

OP, you know your friends better than I do. But I would be seriously upset with a friend who knew about the violation of my personal space and didn't tell me.

I know you are trying to to the right thing, and I know it isn't going to be easy to have any kind of conversation about this "friend." But I think it is hard to provide evidence for something as vague as "she doesn't support your relationship," and a lot easier to prove that Jenny shouldn't let this "friend" into her home again.

Truthfully, I wouldn't care if someone didn't support my relationship with my guy. That's their business.  As long as I am happy in my relationship, I don't really care what someone else thinks. I would, however, really want to know that someone I thought I could trust was taking pictures of my home while I wasn't there and sending them out with snarky comments. And if I found out months later that other people knew about that violation of trust and didn't tell me, I'd feel I couldn't trust those people at all, either.

[NyaChan]

To be blunt, I think the serious trouble in your social group is going to happen at some point. With a "friend" like this, I'm anticipating that she'll do something, at some point in time, to someone and then all heck will break loose.

OP, you know your friends better than I do. But I would be seriously upset with a friend who knew about the violation of my personal space and didn't tell me.

I know you are trying to to the right thing, and I know it isn't going to be easy to have any kind of conversation about this "friend." But I think it is hard to provide evidence for something as vague as "she doesn't support your relationship," and a lot easier to prove that Jenny shouldn't let this "friend" into her home again.

I have been thinking more about what I'd specifically say.  Honestly I don't think I would actually say "she doesn't support your relationship" because I don't think I could pull it off and Jenny would likely burst out laughing.  I'd probably just bring it up along the lines of:

"Hey I want to talk to you about something.  I consider both you and Todd my friends, and I think that you should know about this, I don't want you to get blindsided and I just want to drop you a warning.  You know how Friend gets really negative/obsessed about certain things, like her and "The Troll?" (Jenny will know what that means)  I know gossip isn't exactly unusual around here, but over last semester, I was noticing things that she was saying about you and Todd that I know I would want someone to tell me.  It's gotten to the point that pretty much any time she notices anything that you guys do as a couple, whether it's just doing something sweet for each other or sharing dessert, etc., it gets retold with x10 snarkiness.  But it isn't limited to her saying it here, she has been doing it with her friends from XUniversity, like how she got with the "Practically Perfect" thing (and wow I just realized how many of these "things" Friend has...).  It may not be a big deal to you, but I wanted to tell you so that at least you are forewarned that what you say to her, doesn't stay with her."

Ok that was a general idea of what I was thinking.  Though now that I think about the situations that I was alluding to, I'm wondering if the picture issue would even make things worse or if it is just more of the same thing.  Alright, I have a feeling that when it comes down to it, I'm going to tell her about it.  I hate hiding things, especially something like this.  So maybe I'd follow up with a "There's once incident in particular that I need to tell you about..."

ETA:  I am realizing that most of my discomfort with this situation stems from the fact that I don't feel comfortable presenting myself as Jenny's friend while keeping something that is hurtful to her to myself - that's not being a real friend.  I'm going to have to share that part.  If other people get upset, well, at least I know I'll have a less murky conscience.