Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, New Update #107

[NutMeg]

OP, I would want to know about the picture if I were your friend. Taking a picture of the inside of my house and sending it to other people without my knowledge is a violation. Maybe others wouldn't feel that way, but I do, and if your friend feels the same way she needs to know.

[Danismom]

I suggest leaving out all the information and history that you use in the example to lead up to this incident.  Simply come out and tell Jenny what friend said/did.  I wouldn't try to explain it or shape it in any way.  I would let it stand for itself.

[Moralia]

Wow. She told people that her friend was out of town and that there were unsecured valuables lying around. That is a huge breach of trust IMO.

[NyaChan]

Well we are all back at school, and I am going to be seeing Jenny alone for the first time tomorrow night & was planning on talking to her then.  However, there are some things that have happened since which are making me waffle a bit. 

1)  Jenny shared with me in confidence that a family member is suffering from a degenerative disease that is getting pretty bad - enough that she changed her summer work plans so that she could be near her while she might still recognize her. 

2)  Friend has been acting really strangely lately.  She apparently did better in school this past semester than she has in the past & won't stop hinting about it.  Friend has been essentially manipulating people into telling them their grades and then going behind their backs to share it with everyone else - she is really skilled at doing this, because I knew she had been sussing out people's grades and she still managed to get one out of me.  She had the nerve to say something uncharitable to me about my BFF at school's grades not being as good as usual (though really BFF has a rank & GPA even now that Friend cannot at this point match by the time she graduates even if she gets straight A's) and makes a point, even after BFF asked her to stop, of bringing up how well she did in the class that BFF was most upset about.     

3) She won't stop telling me negative things about Todd.  I had a conversation with her during which I exhausted myself trying to bean dip where I could and defending him and my BFF when avoiding the topic was impossible.
Ex:  she in Todd are in a class together.  She gchats me saying "so funny, Todd just volunteered an answer and got it WRONG!" or complaining that Todd likes to pretend he is all romantic but really he only cares about that stuff when it involves him.  In the latter example, Friend had passed Todd her phone to show him and Jenny the sweet text her psuedo-boyfriend had sent her, but apparently Todd - who has never met the guy!! - did not show the appropriate enthusiasm.  These are only 2 of the many many things she has tried to tell me about.

Right now I am so angry with her for continually putting me in this position & whatever parts of her that I liked before seem to be MIA or just not standing up to the negativity.  I've taken to just not responding at all if she brings someone else up & if I didn't sit next to her in one of my classes (have a seating chart so I can't move), I would seriously consider just avoiding her altogether even if it did cause drama.

Now here is why I am waffling - I don't want to stress Jenny out right after she has told me about her family member.  Also I am worried that since I am so angry at Friend right now, I might say too much.  I will readily admit that my tongue tends to runaway with me when I am angry. 

I am leaning towards doing my breathing exercises to calm down and then very calmly telling Jenny that I don't want to upset her during this difficult time, but I think she needs to know xyz so that she can be aware and protect herself. 

What do you guys think?  Is this a bad time to tell Jenny?

[gramma dishes]

Jenny is not the one with the degenerative disease.  I'm sure Jenny is concerned about her family member, but there is nothing she can do beyond what she's already done and continuing to do. 

I don't know Jenny.  But ...

If I were in Jenny's shoes, I'd want to know. 

Now.

[flowersintheattic]

Well we are all back at school, and I am going to be seeing Jenny alone for the first time tomorrow night & was planning on talking to her then.  However, there are some things that have happened since which are making me waffle a bit. 

1)  Jenny shared with me in confidence that a family member is suffering from a degenerative disease that is getting pretty bad - enough that she changed her summer work plans so that she could be near her while she might still recognize her. 

2)  Friend has been acting really strangely lately.  She apparently did better in school this past semester than she has in the past & won't stop hinting about it.  Friend has been essentially manipulating people into telling them their grades and then going behind their backs to share it with everyone else - she is really skilled at doing this, because I knew she had been sussing out people's grades and she still managed to get one out of me.  She had the nerve to say something uncharitable to me about my BFF at school's grades not being as good as usual (though really BFF has a rank & GPA even now that Friend cannot at this point match by the time she graduates even if she gets straight A's) and makes a point, even after BFF asked her to stop, of bringing up how well she did in the class that BFF was most upset about.     

3) She won't stop telling me negative things about Todd.  I had a conversation with her during which I exhausted myself trying to bean dip where I could and defending him and my BFF when avoiding the topic was impossible.
Ex:  she in Todd are in a class together.  She gchats me saying "so funny, Todd just volunteered an answer and got it WRONG!" or complaining that Todd likes to pretend he is all romantic but really he only cares about that stuff when it involves him.  In the latter example, Friend had passed Todd her phone to show him and Jenny the sweet text her psuedo-boyfriend had sent her, but apparently Todd - who has never met the guy!! - did not show the appropriate enthusiasm.  These are only 2 of the many many things she has tried to tell me about.

Right now I am so angry with her for continually putting me in this position & whatever parts of her that I liked before seem to be MIA or just not standing up to the negativity.  I've taken to just not responding at all if she brings someone else up & if I didn't sit next to her in one of my classes (have a seating chart so I can't move), I would seriously consider just avoiding her altogether even if it did cause drama.

Now here is why I am waffling - I don't want to stress Jenny out right after she has told me about her family member.  Also I am worried that since I am so angry at Friend right now, I might say too much.  I will readily admit that my tongue tends to runaway with me when I am angry. 

I am leaning towards doing my breathing exercises to calm down and then very calmly telling Jenny that I don't want to upset her during this difficult time, but I think she needs to know xyz so that she can be aware and protect herself. 

What do you guys think?  Is this a bad time to tell Jenny?

I think you should still tell Jenny. Especially now, so she doesn't confide more in Friend.

In law school I had a "friend" like Friend here. She took great delight in making fun of people behind their backs, telling everyone their secrets, gloating when she did something better than someone else, and always getting information out of people. No boundaries and no respect for privacy. Once we figured out she was like that, we stopped telling her things that we didn't want getting out, but kept up the friendship until graduation because it was easier than anything else. That may be what you're looking at in this situation.

[Bijou]

Well we are all back at school, and I am going to be seeing Jenny alone for the first time tomorrow night & was planning on talking to her then.  However, there are some things that have happened since which are making me waffle a bit. 

What do you guys think?  Is this a bad time to tell Jenny?

You know Jenny better than anyone here.  I think you need to use your own judgement, based on your knowing her so well.
Me, I would drop a friend who causes problems at every turn.  They just are not worth it.
I'm wondering what kind of drama she could cause that you would be forced to participate in.  It seems to me that she can make all the bitter tea she wants, but you don't have to drink it.

[LEMon]

Actually I kind of see the stress Jenny is feeling as a better reason to tell her.  She has something that is on her mind (the ill relative); the last thing she needs is someone who is pretending to be her friend but is really using her.  Plus she doesn't need all the drama that will come.  Seems 'friend' could hurt Jenny more now than normally.

[AustenFan]

I think part of the problem is that worrying about everyone and possible fallout is clouding your judgement.

If Friend wasn't a mutual friend and was a professional pet sitter or cleaning lady and you found out she had photographed and distributed a picture of something in their home would you tell Jenny? I suspect you wouldn't hesitate to, regardless of what else Jenny has going on, because you want her to be aware of what is going on in her life and home.

On the personal level, Friend sounds like she spends quite a bit of time thinking & talking about Todd under the guise of complaining. I suspect if she honestly didn't like him as much as she claims she would simply ignore him.

I vote you should tell Jenny about the picture issue immediately, and take your cue from Jenny for the rest of the conversation.

[Steve]

You need to tell her. If the situation with her relative gets so bad she may need someone to pet-sit for her again.

[wyliefool]

You need to tell her. If the situation with her relative gets so bad she may need someone to pet-sit for her again.

For real.

Also, this:

On the personal level, Friend sounds like she spends quite a bit of time thinking & talking about Todd under the guise of complaining.

'Methinks she doth protest too much.'

At the very least, you need to make sure that Jenny doesn't confide in Notreallyafriend about anything.

Also, even if you do sit next to this girl, I don't know why you bother speaking to her still. It's soooo not worth it. Take it from someone (presumably) older who's had to learn the hard way. She can't make drama for you if you quit being friends w/ her. Maybe the rest of your circle will see how relaxed and un-stressed you are and follow suit. 

[CharlieBraun]

Yuck on so many levels.

1.  My advice is to tell Jenny.  She's vulnerable right now because of the other circumstance, and Notreallyafriend is just the kind of vulture who will prey on that.

2.  Go to your professor and ask for a change in your seating.  You are paying darned good money for an education and you deserve to be able to concentrate in class.  I know you probably don't want the drama of Notreallyafriend's questions on the seat change, so discuss that with the professor with regard to sightlines or other needs. 

[HenrysMom]

NyaChan, just tell Jenny what happened when this "friend" cat sat for her NOW.  She deserves to know that "friend" is snooping and sending pictures of what is in her house.  How would you feel if Jenny asks "friend" to cat sit again and "friend" does something even worse?  The longer you put it off, the more questions Jenny will ask about why you didn't tell her sooner?

[Winterlight]

Definitely tell Jenny before she confides anything else to this false friend, or asks her to petsit again.

[Allyson]

I agree with the advice about Jenny. Also, I think you should tell Friend to stop talking to you about Todd/Jenny. It sounds like you aren't that interested in keeping up the friendship at this point anyway, so there isn't that much to lose. And it might not work, but it also might, if you just say something like "hey, can you cut out the negative talk about my friends, please?" "all this ripping on people is bringing me down, can we talk about something else?' Be very direct that you don't want to hear it. Bean-dip isn't working cause she sounds too caught up in her own 'humour' to care what the response is.