Author Topic: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, New Update #107  (Read 21664 times)

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Winterlight

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted
« Reply #90 on: January 26, 2012, 10:34:00 AM »
Definitely tell Jenny before she confides anything else to this false friend, or asks her to petsit again.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

Allyson

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted
« Reply #91 on: January 26, 2012, 11:27:43 AM »
I agree with the advice about Jenny. Also, I think you should tell Friend to stop talking to you about Todd/Jenny. It sounds like you aren't that interested in keeping up the friendship at this point anyway, so there isn't that much to lose. And it might not work, but it also might, if you just say something like "hey, can you cut out the negative talk about my friends, please?" "all this ripping on people is bringing me down, can we talk about something else?' Be very direct that you don't want to hear it. Bean-dip isn't working cause she sounds too caught up in her own 'humour' to care what the response is.

NyaChan

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Re: Wait...What???? Another UPDATE p 92
« Reply #92 on: January 26, 2012, 03:52:51 PM »
OP Again - I can't believe this is happening.  Jenny texted me today saying she was so glad I thought of getting together tonight because she really needs the distraction.  I responded, "Uh oh, bad day?"  and then she tells me that she has just found out that her father filed for divorce this morning.  Jenny is a couple years younger than me and is very very close to her parents.  She seemed completely blindsided.

I agree with PP's that her vulnerability puts her at greater risk of Friend taking in confidences and then spreading the word.  I initially thought, oh no oh no, no way can I tell her tonight after she has just found this out.  But then I realized that this is exactly the sort of situation that I have been worrying that Friend might exploit.  If she seems at all capable of handling it, I plan to tell her & warn her to be careful.  If anyone thinks that is a bad idea, please chime in!  I am not meeting her until late tonight so there is still time to change my mind.

I'll definitely post afterwards with an update - Thank you guys for 1)letting me know I wasn't overreacting & 2) reassuring me that telling her is the right thing to do

Mikayla

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted
« Reply #93 on: January 26, 2012, 04:01:47 PM »
Your update crossposted with this, but I'm glad you're sticking with your plan!  She needs to know this now, and you need to stop feeling like you're hiding something from a friend.  Who knows, maybe you can find some dark humor in it if that helps and she takes it the right way. 


magicdomino

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Re: Wait...What???? Another UPDATE p 92
« Reply #94 on: January 26, 2012, 04:06:04 PM »
  But then I realized that this is exactly the sort of situation that I have been worrying that Friend might exploit.

Just imagine what kind of malicious gossip Friend can create out of Jenny's parents' divorce, or the relative's illness.  At the very least, you need to warn Jenny of Friend's gossiping, even if you can't bring yourself to mention specifics.

Winterlight

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted
« Reply #95 on: January 26, 2012, 09:09:22 PM »
Definitely tell her tonight. It stinks, but she needs to know now more than ever IMO.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

NyaChan

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Re: Wait...What???? FINAL UPDATE
« Reply #96 on: January 27, 2012, 12:57:49 AM »
OP here - It is all done!

Jenny and I hung out tonight, had some wine, watched old movies, all that fun girly stuff.  When she first came in I pulled out the bottle of wine that I had promised her - at which point she let me know that she and Todd had been having disagreements & that I should not be shocked if she suddenly burst into tears.  Yeah, that was a little discouraging. 

Still, I girded my loins and went forth into the abyss.  I told her about the ring incident in particular.  A strange thing kind of happened when I said that I wanted to advise her not to use Friend for apartment sitting when she leaves town.  I told her how Friend had come over and brought up this ring, but when I started to describe it Jenny exclaimed "oh my gosh that explains so much, we haven't been able to find that ring since that break!"  I did quickly say that I had no idea about that & had no reason to think Friend would have taken it.  Really I don't think she is a thief & if she is, well I have no knowledge of it and I'm not comfortable commenting on something like that. 

Instead, I explained what Friend had told me about the ring & advised her about the dangers of confiding in Friend.  Jenny was very upset that such a thing had happened & told me that her expectation when Friend was watching her place was that she would come in, check her pet's food/water & then leave.  She shared that she had already been taken aback when she came home to find that Friend had brought an out of town visitor with her into her apartment on one of her visits, & had borrowed movies from Jenny & Todd's collection without asking. 

Jenny acknowledged that she and Todd could tell that Friend was not okay with them dating, but had no idea how bad it really was.  I tried not to go too far into specifics, but made sure to give some concrete examples so that she would understand the scope of the problem.  For example, Jenny said "well, if she says something again, please tell me"  I had to tell her that honestly there was no doubt about it happening again, as really it happens multiple times every day.  I also let her know that her friends were sticking up for them as best they could.  I did not want her to think that people were encouraging Friend in this at all or that people were discussing her behind her back in a negative way. 

Ultimately Jenny has said that she has no problem if Friend stops talking to her & Todd altogether after we graduate, but that for the 2 years we have left, Friend'll just have to deal with the fact that they are dating & be civil or just stay away from them.  I think Jenny might have a talk with Friend, but she assured me that she would not tell bring me into it at all - apparently Friend shows enough disdain that Todd has stopped being quiet about the snipes she takes at him so it won't exactly come as a shock that they are upset with her.  I guess the surprise portion here for Jenny was 1) the ring & 2) that Friend was including Jenny & the relationship so freely in her jibes. 

Jenny did thank me for telling her & said that she was glad she knew what was going on.  I feel really relieved to have spoken to her about this.  I will admit I was especially relieved that she didn't break down - I was worried for a bit because her eyes were turning red & watering but she held it together when I told her to please don't let it upset her too much, because it was unfortunate that such a thing was happening at all, but that now that she knew, she could watch out for herself.  I really was worried about piling on to her bad day, but I think it will help her to know when she is so vulnerable that Friend is not someone to trust with deeper feelings.  Whew!

violinp

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #97 on: January 27, 2012, 02:09:03 AM »
Oh, poor Jenny. I'm glad she has a friend like you, though. I'm glad it went over as well as could be expected.
"It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends" - Harry Potter


travestine

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #98 on: January 27, 2012, 02:37:47 AM »
Wow - you've really been through it!  But you've proved yourself to be a good friend to Jenny & Todd and that's what's important.

As an aside - if Todd's ring really is missing, Friend could be in a bit of trouble.  It would seem that a lot of people have photographic evidence that she was the last person to be seen with it. 
"A "no" uttered from the deepest conviction is better than a "yes" merely uttered to please, or worse, to avoid trouble."
 — Mahatma Ghandi


AustenFan

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #99 on: January 27, 2012, 03:39:19 AM »
Wow...my heart sank a little when you said the ring is missing. I'm glad the stress of wondering how to deal with the situation is off your shoulders.

girlysprite

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #100 on: January 27, 2012, 05:56:46 AM »
Well, as for the missing ring, it could very well be the cat. I know that when I leave small items lying around for even a day, my cats play with it until they have knocked it under the couch (where they can't reach it). I've lost a lot of batteries and screws in that way. So let's not be too quick to condemn 'friend' for that.

Other than that - well done!

Winterlight

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #101 on: January 27, 2012, 09:35:34 AM »
Well played! Poor Jenny's having a week of it, but it's better to know your frenemies.
If wisdom’s ways you wisely seek,
Five things observe with care,
To whom you speak,
Of whom you speak,
And how, and when, and where.
Caroline Lake Ingalls

gramma dishes

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #102 on: January 27, 2012, 11:01:37 AM »
Job well done gently and with empathy.

I feel bad for Jenny, but at least Jenny has one great thing going for her.  She knows she's got a real friend in you.

ettiquit

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted, FINAL UPDATE p96
« Reply #103 on: January 27, 2012, 12:30:23 PM »
You're a good friend, and I'm glad it worked out well.  I hope things improve for Jenny soon.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: Wait...What???? I'm Absolutely Flabbergasted
« Reply #104 on: January 27, 2012, 01:00:50 PM »

Couples *love* to jump to that defense, but sometimes people don't like that stuff because...they don't like it.  For me, it doesn't change when I'm in a relationship -- it's still not my thing.  I don't wear matching stuff, I don't let guys feed me fries, I don't kiss in public -- it's just not for me. 

That's me! SO is very touchy-feely, so he was pretty surprised to learn that I am, but only in private. If we are in the presence of another person, I do not want to kiss beyond a quick peck to say hello/goodbye, have a long lingering hug, etc. I am ok with hand holding or arm in arm if we are walking somewhere, and that's about it! I'm fine if other people do those things (to a certain extent), but it is not for me.

Funny, I think there is a theme here... :P

I'm quite an affectionate person with DH in private but in public and around friends I tend to keep it to hugs, quick kisses on the cheek/mouth, and holding hands.   A lot of that is because of a time before we were married that we were doing the LDR thing due to him being in the Marines and I used to hang out with mutual friends of ours who were a couple.  The girl was more private but the guy was a LOT more affectionate, to the point that it was uncomfortable to be around them at times.  If I said anything about it, the guy would say "Why can't you be happy for us?"  ::)

It's not that I wasn't happy for them, just that I really missed DH terribly and seeing him all over her didn't help.  There were times I'd just decline to hang out with them if I wasn't feeling like dealing with that.  Was I jealous? Yeah, that they had each other and I only got to see my man maybe once-twice a year (we were on opposite coasts)
Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars.  You have a right to be here. Be cheerful, strive to be happy. -Desiderata