How do you politely deal with an ex-girlfriend who has cerebral palsy?

[snugglegirl05]

The guy I have been in a relationship since April of this year has an ex-girlfriend who has cerebral palsy. They dated years ago. Neither one of them live remotely near each other. When they broke up, the ex-girlfriend wanted to be friends. So my boyfirned gave his ex his phone number.

This is what has been happening since I started going over to his place in April...

My boyfriend would tell his ex-girlfriend that he was having company over on a Friday & a Saturday, hinting that he could not talk to her.

She would leave several messages on his answering machine such as.

• "Hi *ex-boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just want you to know that I love you."
  "Hi *ex-boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just want you to know that I love you and that you are a sweetheart."
  "Hi *ex-boyfriend* this is *ex-girlfriend*. I just want you to know that I love you. You are the best. You are awesome."

She has also called my boyfriend while I was at his place, knowing that he had company at that time. She would call Friday night as well as on Saturday.

The last time I was there, which was last Friday, she left a message on his answering machine. She also called him the following day, Saturday, & left another message like the ones above...this time using the word baby.

How do you politely deal with her while getting the message across that it is not appropriate to do this? He does not want to be rude or abrupt to her.

[ShadesOfGrey]

*She* is not the issue. *He* is.

His failure to make it clear to an ex, from several years ago no less, that her messages are inappropriate is a big, glaring red flag.  Not that he's a jerk, but that he's 1) a pushover, and that 2) she's fulfilling some need of his to be needed/wanted.  Also, has he not realized that those messages are only an encouragement to her? Or perhaps he has...and he likes her attention.

This is something I would put my foot down on, but realize that if it has gone on this long, you're going to be the "bad guy" and that it's going to take him a while to set a new precedent/train new behavior, so you'll have to sit down together and figure out exactly what is appropriate.  Good luck!

[Aeris]

I understand the desire to be gentle here, but he may need to be blunt. Not rude, or brusque, but he may need to be very very direct.

"{ExGF}, you cannot call me and leave voicemails telling me that you love me. It is not appropriate anymore, and it makes both me and my GF uncomfortable. If I tell you I have company a particularly weekend, please don't call me during that time unless there is an emergency. I care about you, and am your friend, but I need you to not do this anymore."

It may hurt her feelings, but that may be unavoidable. The key is that I do not believe it would hurt her feelings *unnecessarily*, which understandably, your BF wants to avoid.

[Mal]

I'm not sure how her medical condition plays into this. As far as I know, cerebral palsy doesn't affect ones ability to behave appropriately, or am I mistaken? (I'm really wondering; I don't know an awful lot about the condition but as far as I know it "only" affects movement..?)

If your mentioning her condition has to do with your boyfriend being hesitant to cut all ties with her because of it: I can't imagine she'd want him to be friends with her out of what is essentially pity...

In my opinion, if she still has feelings for him, they cannot be friends.

[Larrabee]

I'm struggling to see the relevance of the fact that she has cerebral palsy...

[still in va]

I'm struggling to see the relevance of the fact that she has cerebral palsy...

oh good, i'm glad i'm not the only one.

exGF is acting inappropriately because she doesn't want to let go.  she is not acting inappropriately because she has cerebral palsy.

[MommyPenguin]

I'm guessing that the boyfriend feels like other people will think worse of him if he is "mean" to a girl who has a serious medical condition.  "What, you broke up with your girlfriend?  And she's in a *wheelchair*"  Etc.  Some people sort of have an attitude that somebody who is disabled shouldn't have to go through the normal pains of life, like being broken up with, losing a job, etc. because they are already dealing with being disabled.  So the boyfriend may be trying to tread lightly in order to avoid looking like the bad guy, and that's why he hasn't been more abrupt about the phone calls and such?  This is making a *huge* assumption, but that's what I thought this thread would be about by the title.

[ilrag]

What is is current response?  Does he pick up?  Let it go to voice mail? Call back?

Also he shouldn't hint that he's busy and can't talk, he should state that fact clearly.

[violinp]

I'm guessing that the boyfriend feels like other people will think worse of him if he is "mean" to a girl who has a serious medical condition.  "What, you broke up with your girlfriend?  And she's in a *wheelchair*"  Etc.  Some people sort of have an attitude that somebody who is disabled shouldn't have to go through the normal pains of life, like being broken up with, losing a job, etc. because they are already dealing with being disabled.  So the boyfriend may be trying to tread lightly in order to avoid looking like the bad guy, and that's why he hasn't been more abrupt about the phone calls and such?  This is making a *huge* assumption, but that's what I thought this thread would be about by the title.

This is what I was thinking. However, the former boyfriend should treat his girlfriend the same way he would treat any other ex of his doing the same thing. It's inappropriate behavior, no matter what physical, etc. difficulties the person has.

[snugglegirl05]

What is is current response?  Does he pick up?  Let it go to voice mail? Call back?

Also he shouldn't hint that he's busy and can't talk, he should state that fact clearly.

Usually when his phone rings when I am there he lets it go to voice mail. I have asked him if he calls her back. He said he waits for her to call him.

There was one time when she called him when I was at his place, & he picked up the phone. He firmly told her over & over that he was busy, that he had company, & that he could not talk. He had to do that because she would not stop talking.

Yet she still leaves messages on his answering machine. I am wondering what it takes for her to literally stop calling & leaving inappropriate messages.

[ilrag]

What is takes is your boyfriend

1. Telling her once to stop calling him
2. Not ever picking up when she calls
3. Not ever returning his calls

If they've been broken up for years and she's still leaving messages like that it's because she's getting a response from him. It's way, way meaner for him to continue to remain in contact with her at this point. She's clearly taking it as encouragement.

[Irishkitty]

What is takes is your boyfriend

1. Telling her once to stop calling him
2. Not ever picking up when she calls
3. Not ever returning his calls

If they've been broken up for years and she's still leaving messages like that it's because she's getting a response from him. It's way, way meaner for him to continue to remain in contact with her at this point. She's clearly taking it as encouragement.

POD
This, the fact that she has CP is not relevant. If the condition does not effect her mental state then he needs to take her medical condition out of the equation. (I'm not familiar with CP but I don't believe it affects mental ability). If she didn't have CP he would simply view her as a stalker or a bad ex. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but really - they broke up years ago and she still calls to tell him she loves him? And she does this when she knows he has his new girlfriend over? He needs to stop encouraging her.

[Bibliophile]

I'm struggling to see the relevance of the fact that she has cerebral palsy...

oh good, i'm glad i'm not the only one.

exGF is acting inappropriately because she doesn't want to let go.  she is not acting inappropriately because she has cerebral palsy.

POD.  You deal with her like you would any other girlfriend.  He needs to tell her that he's in a relationship and he needs to stop "leading her on" if she thinks that the continued relationship means more to him than it actually does.  She deserves the truth.

[suzieQ]

POD to all the above posters. Your BF needs to tell her "my GIRLFRIEND is over right now and I can't talk to you." Not just that he has company and can't talk. He needs to make it very clear he is in a relationship.

If ex continues to call even if he never returns calls and starts to never pick up and speak to her, he needs to change his phone number.

[snugglegirl05]

My boyfriend called me a while ago to let me know that he called this ex-girlfriend & let her know that they cannot be friends for a while.