Author Topic: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?  (Read 5572 times)

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Sharnita

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #15 on: December 17, 2011, 07:32:00 AM »
I think you are being unreasonable.  You make it seem like you are OK with him deciding either way but it is actually a test.  You don't clearly communicate what you want.  It doesn't seem like you are open to a compromise - him spending some time with them and some with you.

Sharnita

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #16 on: December 17, 2011, 08:09:28 AM »
well, my mom is planning on making roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy tomorrow.  Has she or hasn't she bought the grocereis already?  Apparently the answer should be obvious.

JillyJ

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #17 on: December 17, 2011, 08:17:45 AM »
I think you are being unreasonable.  Sounds like the parents found out they were coming and then let their son know - I didn't get the impression they had known for months and then told him last minute.  He then told you (txting was probably his biggest fail here) that his parents made the plans and clearly indicated that he would like to participate.  You are, of course, entitled to your disappointment and your feelings.  But if I had plans with my SO and then found out that someone I never get to see was going to be in town and that I could see them and my SO considered that "cancelling for a better offer" I would be reconsidering my SO as my SO.  There are "better" offers and then there are "unexpected" offers and they are not the same.  Better is his buddies got football tix.  Unexpected is people he never gets to see suddenly coming to town.  Would you really rather he have dinner with you and then spend months wishing he had gotten the chance to see them?  Perhaps resenting you for not being gracious enough to say, "Oh my goodness, of course have dinner with them, we can reschedule." 

Edit: I need clarification - where did I get the impression that these people were from out of town or something.  Just reread your original post.  Are these people he can see any time or not?  That changes my perspective on it a bit. 
« Last Edit: December 17, 2011, 08:21:24 AM by JillyJ »

Amava

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #18 on: December 17, 2011, 08:18:24 AM »
I think you are being unreasonable.  You make it seem like you are OK with him deciding either way but it is actually a test.  You don't clearly communicate what you want.  It doesn't seem like you are open to a compromise - him spending some time with them and some with you.

I take offense at the fact that you think I was testing him.  I wasn't, nor was I being PA.  I was upset that something I had been looking forward to, that does not happen regularly was being cancelled.  I was more than open to a compromise but I don't see why I had to be the one to suggest it.  If he had said to me about spending some time with them and then coming to mine I would have been more than happy but he didn't say that and I don't believe that it was up to me to suggest it.  He was the one who was changing the plans so I feel like he should have been the one to suggest a compromise.

I am not someone who issues ultimatums or tests the person they're in a relationship with and I am offended that you think I am. I did not feel it necessary to tell him I had been shopping for food, he knew that because I had told him what I was planning on cooking

My impression here is that you are expecting a bit more common sense from him than he actually has, or than he actually was able to use at that very moment (sometimes when we feel frazzled, our common sense fails or freezes). Common sense to know that it was up to him to form a compromise, common sense to actually figure out a compromise, and common sense to know you probably had already bought groceries.

I'm not blaming you or saying that it is wrong to expect people to use a bit of common sense and consideration. I've been there often enough myself. It's frustrating when you feel you're the one who's required to do "all the thinking and considering". But in my experience, one only frustrates oneself /more/ by waiting until others get a clue.

So I'm going to partially agree with Sharnita. Communicate more clearly, be upfront. Don't shy back from telling him that, though it is his choice, you will not be pleased if he chooses x option, and your displeasure will be because of y and z reasons. Much better than steaming over it inwardly. Better for yourself and for him.

half_dollars

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #19 on: December 17, 2011, 09:02:15 AM »
But, if OP actually told SO that she's rather he keep his commitment to her, I can see SO telling his folds that OP won't let him cancel, thus putting OP in a negative light to her (maybe) future in-laws and to the family friends.  To me, the SO put OP in a no-win situation, and it my DH/SO/BF did the same to me, I'd also tell him the choice was his, because he should be the one to take responsibility for his decisions and suffer any consequences of those decisions.  It wouldn't be said in a PA manner, but it might make me rethink the relationship.  Regardless, someone is going to be disappointed-OP or SO's parents & friends.

(Disclaimer-my personal experiences with both my IL's and my parents could be coloring my thoughts more to the negative side of things.)

klm75

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #20 on: December 17, 2011, 09:29:47 AM »
But, if OP actually told SO that she's rather he keep his commitment to her, I can see SO telling his folds that OP won't let him cancel, thus putting OP in a negative light to her (maybe) future in-laws and to the family friends.  To me, the SO put OP in a no-win situation, and it my DH/SO/BF did the same to me, I'd also tell him the choice was his, because he should be the one to take responsibility for his decisions and suffer any consequences of those decisions.  It wouldn't be said in a PA manner, but it might make me rethink the relationship.  Regardless, someone is going to be disappointed-OP or SO's parents & friends.

(Disclaimer-my personal experiences with both my IL's and my parents could be coloring my thoughts more to the negative side of things.)

This has been my experience.  My DH was worth training out of the bad habits taught to him by his parents :)  I have to admit that I spent years waiting for everyone to grow up, thing was, DH had never been taught that he was equal as an adult, to his parents.  Everything came together for me when I was 30, pregnant with my second child, MIL once had been behaving badly and instead of apologizing, said "You just have to over look that, I have a hard time remembering that you guys are young adults".  I figured that if I was a 'young' adult at that time, I would never be an adult. 

The lesson that I learned the hard way?  Sometimes people need to be given the script, once they are able to see past their parents ideas of how things are then they will be able to act reasonably.

OP-  when I was in your situation I would have reacted exactly the same way you did.  Looking back, I wish I had been more proactive, it might have saved me a lot of wasted years.  Try saying to your BF, "why don't you spend the beginning of the evening with your friends, then come over for a late dinner and we will keep our plans for tomorrow."

I do think that casual plans can be changed for something more formal or business, I don't think this is the case.  In my family, friends coming over for dinner is fairly casual and relaxed.   If these were guests coming from out of town for a dinner party, then the parents should have told their children as soon as plans were made.

Ticia

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #21 on: December 17, 2011, 12:08:10 PM »
well, my mom is planning on making roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy tomorrow.  Has she or hasn't she bought the grocereis already?  Apparently the answer should be obvious.

Sharnita, this post is sarcastic and harsh. You can present your point of view without being mean about it. Please do so.
Utah

Sharnita

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #22 on: December 17, 2011, 12:15:44 PM »
well, my mom is planning on making roast beef with mashed potatoes and gravy tomorrow.  Has she or hasn't she bought the grocereis already?  Apparently the answer should be obvious.

Sharnita, this post is sarcastic and harsh. You can present your point of view without being mean about it. Please do so.

I'm sorry and I do apologize.  I sincerely don't understand OP's line of thinking that her SO would know when she would or would not have bought the ingrediants for her dinner just because he knew she was going to make dinner.  I just should have said so.

gramma dishes

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #23 on: December 17, 2011, 12:31:12 PM »
Am I the only one who thinks his parents were being rude here?  He told them he already had plans with the OP.  Why didn't they just say "Oh!  Well, of course OP is invited too!"?

If this situation is a 'one off' I think maybe you're making a little too much of it.  I don't get the impression that either he or his parents knew about this in advance.  There were several ways you could have compromised, but you seem to be very much stuck in an either/or mode.  Either he comes to my place and sticks precisely with our prior plans, or he "chooses" his parents and their friends.  I would have been willing to say "Can you spend some time with the friends at your parents' house and then come over and we'll have a later romantic dinner?"  I don't necessarily think that suggestion had to come from him, especially since he may not have thought you'd be willing to do that.

On the other hand, if this is a common and continuing pattern then maybe you two need to discuss it and how you as a couple want to handle such situations in the future.

Ceallach

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #24 on: December 17, 2011, 09:51:43 PM »
I take offense at the fact that you think I was testing him.  I wasn't, nor was I being PA.  I was upset that something I had been looking forward to, that does not happen regularly was being cancelled.  I was more than open to a compromise but I don't see why I had to be the one to suggest it.   If he had said to me about spending some time with them and then coming to mine I would have been more than happy but he didn't say that and I don't believe that it was up to me to suggest it.  He was the one who was changing the plans so I feel like he should have been the one to suggest a compromise.

I am not someone who issues ultimatums or tests the person they're in a relationship with and I am offended that you think I am. I did not feel it necessary to tell him I had been shopping for food, he knew that because I had told him what I was planning on cooking

The being upset part is perfectly understandable.    But the bolded?  Well, somebody has to.  You were the one who wasn't happy with the situation and wanted to compromise, so you need to communicate that.  In an ideal world he would have realised how upset you were and found a solution/compromise, but we don't live in an ideal world.  People let us down.  People fail to pick up on the cues we give them or on how we're feeling.  People assume that we'll be ok with a change of plan when really we're not.   I learnt a long time ago that if I wanted to be happy I had to communicate my needs and take responsibility for my own happiness.   As wonderful as my DH is, he doesn't automatically know what I want or need at all times.  I can't change what he does - if he proposes a plan that I'm not happy with, I need to tell him.  I can't just wish that he hadn't suggested it or wish that he knew how I felt about it.  Remember that the only person whose actions you can change is your own.  That doesn't mean forcing yourself to be happy about something when you're not, but it does mean finding a way to improve the situation, whether by communicating your needs/concerns to your SO,  or by proposing an alternate plan,   or by ending/changing the relationship if it's part of a bigger problem which is unacceptable to you.   Sometimes that can suck, because it seems as if your SO should have known how important it was to you, right?   And it's completely ok to feel that way.  But you can't blame him for not understanding or proposing a better solution, because you didn't communicate with him effectively.  You weren't happy with the plans, so you needed to say so and suggest a solution.   You let him make the decision and now you're mad at him for not making the 'right' decision.   
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immadz

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #25 on: December 20, 2011, 12:43:36 AM »
IN this case, I think cancelling plans are actually rude. Due to the short notice given, I think the appropriate reason would be to say, " We have plans for dinner but I could swing by for dessert. I am really looking forward to meeting them." I also do think in this situation where it seems like a family gathering it would not be out of place to invite your son's SO as well. Would that have been an acceptable compromise for you?


kudeebee

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #26 on: December 20, 2011, 12:15:24 PM »
I think it is wrong of him to cancel his plans with you.  I assume he is an adult, but still lives at home for whatever reason. What type of living arrangement agreement does he have with his parents?  Is he bound by their rules and treated like he is still a child?  Do they expect him to be present at all family events, no matter what?

If he didn't live at home would his parents expect him to show up for this?  I think he should have honored his commitment to you and told his parents to pass along his regrets to the family friends. Why didn't his parents invite you over as well or why didn't he suggest it?  Are you seriously dating as in thinking about getting married or just dating for fun? 

I have to agree with some previous posters who wonder what will happen if or when you are married.  Will his family obligations come first?  Will he drop plans that you have to be at their beck and call, or to meet up with friends?

Be honest and tell him that you want to stick to your original plans.  Don't play "gotcha"--where he should know what you want and do it.  I do think it is very rude of his parents to encourage him to text you and guilt you into saying he should stay.  I also don't understand why he couldn't call you?  Is the only phone in the house in their bedroom?  He has a cell, right, so why couldn't he talk in another part of the house?  Does he talk that loudly that he would disturb them???  That seems like a fishy excuse there as to why he couldn't call and talk about it with you.  Easier to do when he texts, then when he has to actually talk with you.

katycoo

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #27 on: December 20, 2011, 10:38:08 PM »
I take offense at the fact that you think I was testing him.  I wasn't, nor was I being PA.  I was upset that something I had been looking forward to, that does not happen regularly was being cancelled.  I was more than open to a compromise but I don't see why I had to be the one to suggest it.   If he had said to me about spending some time with them and then coming to mine I would have been more than happy but he didn't say that and I don't believe that it was up to me to suggest it.  He was the one who was changing the plans so I feel like he should have been the one to suggest a compromise.

I am not someone who issues ultimatums or tests the person they're in a relationship with and I am offended that you think I am. I did not feel it necessary to tell him I had been shopping for food, he knew that because I had told him what I was planning on cooking

The being upset part is perfectly understandable.    But the bolded?  Well, somebody has to.  You were the one who wasn't happy with the situation and wanted to compromise, so you need to communicate that.  In an ideal world he would have realised how upset you were and found a solution/compromise, but we don't live in an ideal world.  People let us down.  People fail to pick up on the cues we give them or on how we're feeling.  People assume that we'll be ok with a change of plan when really we're not.   I learnt a long time ago that if I wanted to be happy I had to communicate my needs and take responsibility for my own happiness.   As wonderful as my DH is, he doesn't automatically know what I want or need at all times.  I can't change what he does - if he proposes a plan that I'm not happy with, I need to tell him.  I can't just wish that he hadn't suggested it or wish that he knew how I felt about it.  Remember that the only person whose actions you can change is your own.  That doesn't mean forcing yourself to be happy about something when you're not, but it does mean finding a way to improve the situation, whether by communicating your needs/concerns to your SO,  or by proposing an alternate plan,   or by ending/changing the relationship if it's part of a bigger problem which is unacceptable to you.   Sometimes that can suck, because it seems as if your SO should have known how important it was to you, right?   And it's completely ok to feel that way.  But you can't blame him for not understanding or proposing a better solution, because you didn't communicate with him effectively.  You weren't happy with the plans, so you needed to say so and suggest a solution.   You let him make the decision and now you're mad at him for not making the 'right' decision.

This.
By taking this stance of "its not my job" you've failed to mitigate your upset.
You've compunded your hurt because he hasn't done things you didn't tell him.

He's not a mind-reader.  Your attitude comes across as quite petty and immature.  By raising these issues and sharing your feelings he's more likely to learn for next time this type of issue comes up.

EnoughAlready22

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #28 on: December 21, 2011, 03:49:06 PM »
Am I the only one who thinks his parents were being rude here?  He told them he already had plans with the OP.  Why didn't they just say "Oh!  Well, of course OP is invited too!"?

If this situation is a 'one off' I think maybe you're making a little too much of it.  I don't get the impression that either he or his parents knew about this in advance.  There were several ways you could have compromised, but you seem to be very much stuck in an either/or mode.  Either he comes to my place and sticks precisely with our prior plans, or he "chooses" his parents and their friends.  I would have been willing to say "Can you spend some time with the friends at your parents' house and then come over and we'll have a later romantic dinner?"  I don't necessarily think that suggestion had to come from him, especially since he may not have thought you'd be willing to do that.

On the other hand, if this is a common and continuing pattern then maybe you two need to discuss it and how you as a couple want to handle such situations in the future.

No, I agree that the parents were rude in this one.  They are the ones putting him in the position of essentually having to choose.

Ceallach

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Re: Cancelling plans within a rel[color=black]ationship[/color] - rude?
« Reply #29 on: December 21, 2011, 05:11:00 PM »
Am I the only one who thinks his parents were being rude here?  He told them he already had plans with the OP.  Why didn't they just say "Oh!  Well, of course OP is invited too!"?

If this situation is a 'one off' I think maybe you're making a little too much of it.  I don't get the impression that either he or his parents knew about this in advance.  There were several ways you could have compromised, but you seem to be very much stuck in an either/or mode.  Either he comes to my place and sticks precisely with our prior plans, or he "chooses" his parents and their friends.  I would have been willing to say "Can you spend some time with the friends at your parents' house and then come over and we'll have a later romantic dinner?"  I don't necessarily think that suggestion had to come from him, especially since he may not have thought you'd be willing to do that.

On the other hand, if this is a common and continuing pattern then maybe you two need to discuss it and how you as a couple want to handle such situations in the future.

No, I agree that the parents were rude in this one.  They are the ones putting him in the position of essentually having to choose.

That is true, except they may have been unaware of the extent of the plans.  Many couples have dinner together most nights, so if somebody says they're having dinner with their S/O it doesn't necessarily constitute a "prior engagement" whereby accepting an alternate invitation is rude.  It's up to the person receiving the invitation to decline the invitation if they are committed elsewhere.  (If the guy said "No I really can't because I promised OP I'd have dinner with her" and they pressured him and put on a huge guilt-trip, that would be a different story).

In this instance, the guy also misjudged the importance of his prior plans, and because OP told him that he could make the decision e.g. she was fine either way, he went with the option of spending time with his parents which he gets to do less frequently.  He was probably thinking "Wow, I'm glad I have such an understanding girlfriend who is willing to change our plans so I can see my family!"  And then afterwards the hammer came down because as we know OP was not in fact ok with it, and expected him to know that without being told.  I kind of feel sorry for the guy, because this is exactly the kind of behaviour men complain about and stereotype women for doing, and is the fodder of sitcom jokes.  (Man takes woman's comment at face value, doesn't realise what she actually secretly expects him to do, woman gets mad at man for not reading her mind).  Don't get me wrong, I used to do that a little bit too in my early relationship so I definitely understand where OP is coming from. But I soon learnt that it was *me* who wasn't communicating effectively.
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