My sister has run into a strange situation with her in-laws and I can kind of see both points. I would love to see what you guys think.
BG: Sis's MIL has always had boundary issues with Sis and BIL. The word "enmeshed" is very apt. She was a single mom and her parents were very involved in her raising BIL. She really doesn't understand that Sis and BIL and their daughter, BabyDoll, are their own individual family unit. She doesn't understand that she doesn't get a vote in how their household runs, how BabyDoll is parented, or whether Sis and BIL have another child. (She objected and said it was on behalf of Babydoll, because Babydoll deserved all of Sis and BIL's attention. She also told Sis that mothers never love second children as much as they do the firstborn. As a second child, Sis found this pretty offensive.) She makes statements regarding how things should be and is shocked every time when Sis and BIL don't jump to do what she tells them.
BIL is usually very good about recognizing when MIL is over-stepping and making arrangements to keep her at a distance, but he has a hard time confronting her face-to-face. Two years ago, Sis and BIL had the opportunity to move closer to MIL and FIL, for a job (BIL's) that would have paid more. But they decided against it, because they decided they need the two hours of driving distance between MIL and them.
End BG
Sis, BIL and Babydoll will spend Christmas Eve with MIL and FIL, then drive to our family Christmas celebration the the next morning. So Babydoll will be opening her Santa presents there on Christmas morning. This is her third Christmas and she is just getting to the age where she understands Christmas and Santa and what's going on. Sis and MIL were discussing Christmas on the phone and the following conversation ensued.
Sis: We're going to try to get Babydoll to bed around 8:00 and then we'll set up her Santa presents after we're sure she's down for the night.
MIL: Oh, we'll set our Santa presents then, too.
Sis: What?
MIL: Well, we're going to buy Babydoll extra presents and they're going to be from Santa, too.
Sis: (knowing that MIL goes way overboard on presents) So, Babydoll is going to be receiving twice as many presents from you, this year?
MIL (giggling) No, silly, they're from SANTA.
Sis: We're really not comfortable with that, MIL. We'd prefer that you give Babydoll presents from you and that's it.
MIL: Oh, but we want to make it special!
Sis: We're not comfortable with it. Please just let us handle Santa presents.
MIL: Fine, we're just going to put out just a few extra, from us, and they'll be from Santa. No big deal. OK?
Sis: We're not comfortable with it. Please just let us handle Santa presents.
MIL: We'll just add a little something extra from Santa, so we can make it special. All right?
Sis: We're not comfortable with it. Please just let us handle Santa presents.
MIL: I hear you. We'll just throw in a couple of stocking stuffers and goodies from Santa. OK?
Sis: I'm not going to say it's OK. I've told you what we want. You're just restating what you want in different ways. It's clear you're not listening to me and you're going to do this whether I agree or not. I need to get off the phone now.
On one hand, I see Sis's point. MIL can't be trusted to just participate in something, she has to take it over. Sis just wants to provide Christmas for her daughter, not see it turned into the MIL Christmas Extravaganza. And Sis knows that extra presents will extend the festivities at MIL's that much longer, meaning they will be late arriving at the celebrations for our side of the family. She also resents MIL's implication that Sis and BIL aren't providing enough for Babydoll, which they do.
She's also very tired of MIL's "listening style" which consists of restating her own point over and over in different ways until the other party gives up out of frustration and gives her what she wants. She knows she was a bit rude on the phone, but she wanted MIL to know that she was wise to what MIL was doing. BIL thinks Sis is over-reacting and won't talk to his mom about it.
On the other hand, I see MIL's point... which I would never admit to Sis... because she would go all honey-badger on me. It's MIL's house and she wants to feel included in the fun kid aspects of Christmas, which she hasn't had since her kids grew up. Even our mom gives the kids one or two Santa presents in addition to what she gives them for Christmas. And since Sis generally agrees to what MIL wants in terms of holidays, I'm sure it was a bit of a shock when Sis objected.
I don't know what to tell Sis, other than to sympathize. Thoughts?