The free address-label freak-out

[JeanFromBNA]

So, is it incorrect etiquette-wise to use those labels if they are not completely correct?  This wasn't a wedding invitation, it was a greeting card.  I looked over my stash of labels, and they almost ALL say "Ms.".  I always paid all the bills and did all the charitable donations (something my in-laws don't really do), so all the labels have my name on them - not DH's.  At least they got my very long and frequently misspelled last name right.

The only thing not completely correct about the labels is that they are labels; the return address should be handwritten on personal correspondence.  But neither are the cards.  So what?

Now she can write the checks for his bills and put her own return address labels on them, which is what I suspect is the heart of the problem.

[hollasa]

CindyLouWho, would your MIL still have freaked out if the address labels had said Mrs. Cindy Lastname?

I'm not sure if she's freaking out over the Ms (which is perfectly correct), or over the label being just from you, rather than from the kids or from you and husband.

(but definitely don't worry about it).

[TootsNYC]

The only thing not completely correct about the labels is that they are labels; the return address should be handwritten on personal correspondence.  But neither are the cards.  So what?

This is actually not true, if you follow Miss Manners religiously. You should have engraved personal stationery, which has the return address *engraved* on the envelope, not written by hand.

I'm the one-woman "anti-label squad," and I have no problem w/ stickers for return addresses. On anything, even thank-you notes and shower invitations (though it's not the right aesthetic for formal invites).

And I think you're totally fine w/ "Ms. Cindy"; it would have been worse to be "Mrs. Cindy," but even that doesn't anymore mean that the woman is divorced, the way it used to.

[Elfmama]

Boy, your MIL would really freak out at some of my freebie address labels (and so would mine, come to think of it!)  They are:

Mr. Hisfirstname Ourlastname
Mr. MYfirstname Ourlastname
Our Address

She'd be absolutely certain that 'that woman' was getting a sex-change operation!

[strangetimes]

I agree with PPs that this is just your MIL looking for something to pick on. It's quite possible that if this hadn't been a problem, something else would have.

[Firecat]

http://www.emilypost.com/forms-of-address/titles/96-guide-to-addressing-correspondence

Thanks guys, "Ms." is clearly acceptable!  I've always called myself Mrs., so I didn't know.

One of DH and my issues is that he never backs me up on this stuff.  I'm still trying to figure out if he did on this issue.  I suspect not - or he wouldn't have told me about it.  My entire marriage has been a long series of perceived slights and tiptoeing around my MIL and SIL, and he NEVER has my back on this stuff.  SIL has not spoken to me in over a year because DH didn't finesse telling her that I couldn't attend her grad school graduation.  We couldn't afford two plane tickets and couldn't bring our very small children to what was an entire weekend of late-evening adult events.  He forgot to tell her I wasn't coming until a week before, so I had to break it to her when she called to tell me the weekend itinerary.  She was insulted (she has no kids, doesn't understand that you can't just tuck them somewhere) and that was it.  There's more to it than that, but I think I might have posted about it before.  He STILL hasn't backed me up on that, even though we have a rule that bad news to his family has to come from him. 

Clearly, a "come to Jesus" meeting on this subject is in order.   

Forgive me if I'm prying, but are you and your DH seeing a counselor? Because if you are, it seems to me that it's more than time to address (so to speak   ) this issue. And if you're not, it might be time to start - a good counselor can help you and your DH figure out and set appropriate boundaries with his family.

[TootsNYC]

You might tell her that you thought these were the best bet, because if you had put "Mrs. Cindy Lastname," it would have meant you were divorced. You can find documentation for that.

And that since you ARE separated, you thought it was disrespectful to your husband to put "Mrs. John Lastname," since he wasn't involved in anything inside the envelope. And that you really do want to be respectful to him.

And I agree, this is a great issue to take to your counselor to talk through this level of interference, and how to handle it, and how to not pay attention to it if you can't cut it off.

[Auntie Mame]

I am going to spend much of the weekend playing nice with MIL, but it is going to be a challenge (to say the least).  And SIL got a card with the same address label on it, so I'm sure they've compared notes (while stirring their cauldron together).

Wait, did I just say that???

Now, now that's not fair.  All the witches I know are way nicer than those two! 

[Firecat]

I am going to spend much of the weekend playing nice with MIL, but it is going to be a challenge (to say the least).  And SIL got a card with the same address label on it, so I'm sure they've compared notes (while stirring their cauldron together).

Wait, did I just say that???

Now, now that's not unfair.  All the witches I know are way nicer than those two! 

This is true - the witches I know are mostly very cool people  .

[Firecat]

No offense to witches....I know quite a few myself, and they are all awesome.

We aren't seeing a counselor....mainly because it's out of our budget right now.  We're hoping to get in and see someone after the first of the year. 

Step 1 will be dealing with his family....and the endless parade of "perceived slights" I have dealt with over the past eight years.  One of the reasons I started reading this forum was to try and get advice on dealing with them.  It's been helpful, but the biggest lesson I learned from EHell was that if DH doesn't back me up and defend me to them we're going nowhere fast.

Some counselors will work on a sliding scale or for a lower cost; it might be worth checking on resources in your area if you haven't.

[Nuala]

I wish you a patient and joyful Christmas, and I hope everything works out well for you and the little whos.

[still in va]

Thanks.  MIL pretty much ruined my day, but that probably fodder for an entirely new thread.

and did your DH sit back and let her do so?

i'm sorry, Cindy.  i wish you a better Christmas night, than Christmas Day.

[Danika]

FWIW, I sent out our holiday cards this year and used the same free sticky labels from charities. Our family consists of me with  my maiden name, and our kids and DH who all have DH's last name. But the sticky labels showed Danika Maidenname only. They were free. It was easy. The only times I actually wrote out Danika Maidenname & Hisfirst Hislast on an envelope instead of using a label was to new friends who don't know us super well and didn't know my DH's lastname. If anyone else was confused, oh well. It wasn't meant to be a slight to my DH, but a help to our budget.

[TootsNYC]

well, the "saving money" is a bit of a red herring. You can always write the return address on the envelope for free as well.

But I'm totally on your side in terms of whether you were rude or not (you weren't, and she's hysterical, and looking for any opportunity to slam you).

[Cami]

This is so not about address labels. I can only say that I hope your dh's refusal to make you his priority is a major component of your marital counseling.