Fake Christmas (Really, really long!)

[O'Dell]

It bothers me greatly, it makes me feel like it's all my fault (which it basically is) and that everyone was perfectly happy before I came along and changed everything.

Stop that. There is no reason to consider yourself guilty or at fault. Circumstances change. Yours have. You've dealt with it just as many people including generations past have by doing what is right by your own family (husband and kid). Period.

I agree with PPs about talking to her about the name. Good luck!

[baglady]

FYI, I just had "real" Christmas. On the 17th. Seriously, I am neither geographically nor emotionally close to any of my relatives by blood or marriage. My friends are my family, and I celebrate with them on the third Saturday in December. That is my Christmas. What happens on the 25th is an afterthought.

"Fake Christmas? What's fake about it, MIL? Are the presents fake? Is the love fake? Is your joy at seeing your grandchild fake? Really, it hurts my feelings when you call it fake Christmas, because it still feels like Christmas to me. I think Christmas is too special to be confined to a single day ... That's why our ancestors celebrated 12 days of Christmas ... maybe we could call our celebration Christmas Continued, or Christmas 2.0, or Mo' Christmas, what do you think?"

[JeanFromBNA]

I would start pwning that phrase.  "Fake Christmas!  Time for the traditional laying of the guilt wreaths."  Wear a Grinch shirt and hat.  Strap reindeer ears on the dog.  Send virtual presents.  http://www.virtualgifts4u.com/mainlobby.htm.  Somebody would like to get NSYNC for the holidays.   Bring an inflatable tree with you.  http://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-Inflatable-Christmas-Tree/dp/B005KF99SY  Buy the worst fruitcake you can find.

Seriously, your reasons for staying home are every bit as valid as theirs. 

You could also start referring to their REAL Christmas which is apparently, sans you.

[immadz]

I am a little confused. Which one is being refered to as fake christmas? The Christmas you spend with them, the Christmas they spend without you or the Christmas you spend without them.

[lemons]

I am a little confused. Which one is being refered to as fake christmas? The Christmas you spend with them, the Christmas they spend without you or the Christmas you spend without them.

The Christmas we spend with them is the fake Christmas.

[immadz]

I am a little confused. Which one is being refered to as fake christmas? The Christmas you spend with them, the Christmas they spend without you or the Christmas you spend without them.

The Christmas we spend with them is the fake Christmas.

This could really back fire on them you know. Why would they want to tell a 5 year old that a celebration with them is not really a good enough celebration. " MIL, we really want DS to think that the Christmas he has with you is just as important as the Christmas he spends with family, friends and Santa back home. We prefer that you call it "Christmas with Gramma and Grampa Smith"

[LEMon]

Ohh, like the use the kid idea.  "Your use of 'fake' is starting to bother lemonJr.  Too many negative connections to the word.  What else could we call 'the special time we get to celebrate with you'?"

Or
"I would love to come up with a fun, encouraging name to call the special time we use to celebrate with you.  What could we call it?"

[Bijou]

Re-spin it.  Rename it this year.  Maybe something like Family Christmas or something positive and embracing.

[Coruscation]

I hate Passive Aggressiveness so I'd embrace it. Yeah, we're having chicken for Fake Christmas with you then for Real Christmas, we're having turkey. I'm so looking forward to Real Christmas, it's the best. Dd loves Real Christmas, it's her favourite part of the holiday season. Use the phrse Real Christmas in response every single time she uses Fake Christmas. Always make Real Christmas sound more fun.

[Just Lori]

I agree with the PPs that "Fake Christmas" can be a hurtful term.  But, I'd also encourage a conversation with MIL about how the Christmas traditions are evolving.

I would also encourage you to look at it from MIL's point of view.  While you're celebrating Christmas at home with your parents and family, she is having an abbreviated Christmas day celebration, because her family celebration has been pushed back a few days.  Sure, it's just a day, but if she's always had the big family celebration on Dec. 25, it's difficult to let that go.  I would definitely encourage her to do the big family celebration on Christmas day with those who are in town to celebrate it, and have the abbreviated celebration when you arrive.  Sure, it's a bit awkward to be the only family opening a pile of gifts, but you get through it.  FWIW, we live that scenario each year, because my family is out-of-town and we, too, have opted not to leave our hometown on Christmas day.

[lemons]

I agree with the PPs that "Fake Christmas" can be a hurtful term.  But, I'd also encourage a conversation with MIL about how the Christmas traditions are evolving.

I would also encourage you to look at it from MIL's point of view.  While you're celebrating Christmas at home with your parents and family, she is having an abbreviated Christmas day celebration, because her family celebration has been pushed back a few days.  Sure, it's just a day, but if she's always had the big family celebration on Dec. 25, it's difficult to let that go.  I would definitely encourage her to do the big family celebration on Christmas day with those who are in town to celebrate it, and have the abbreviated celebration when you arrive.  Sure, it's a bit awkward to be the only family opening a pile of gifts, but you get through it.  FWIW, we live that scenario each year, because my family is out-of-town and we, too, have opted not to leave our hometown on Christmas day.

I understand what you're saying and I do agree that it's a big change for my MIL.  However, she's the one that has decided how / when her side of the family celebrates.  We would be fine with all the people in Major City doing their own thing on the 24th and then a smaller celebration when we go there - ie. just something with MIL and FIL.  MIL is the one that decided that it needed to be moved around to match when we are there, but then they don't always follow through, like last year when everyone gathered while we were there (before Christmas) and then decided when it came time to open gifts to save them all for the 24th. 

She still has a celebration on the 24th, with the people that live in Major City. There are 3 people out of 16 missing (assuming Alvin and his wife are there, otherwise 5 are missing), I don't know that I would really call that abbreviated.  Not trying to be snarky, just trying to point out that the vast majority of people are still gathering at the in-law's house at the traditional date and time.

[Bijou]

She still has a celebration on the 24th, with the people that live in Major City. There are 3 people out of 16 missing (assuming Alvin and his wife are there, otherwise 5 are missing), I don't know that I would really call that abbreviated.  Not trying to be snarky, just trying to point out that the vast majority of people are still gathering at the in-law's house at the traditional date and time.

"You know, MIL, I feel bad when you refer to the time we spend together at Christmas as fake.  I know that you don't mean it to be hurtful, but it is, and starts off the time together on a negative note.  What can we do to change that?"
Or
"Please don't refer to the time we spend together at Christmas as 'Fake'.  It puts a negative spin and a damper on what should be a wonderful family time. 

Edited to take out the sassy suggestions and be constructive. 

[Venus193]

Your MIL needs to grow up.

I agree with addressing the P/A stuff.  There is little I find more insulting.

[cheyne]

However, she's the one that has decided how / when her side of the family celebrates.  We would be fine with all the people in Major City doing their own thing on the 24th and then a smaller celebration when we go there - ie. just something with MIL and FIL.  MIL is the one that decided that it needed to be moved around to match when we are there, but then they don't always follow through, like last year when everyone gathered while we were there (before Christmas) and then decided when it came time to open gifts to save them all for the 24th. 

So MIL is PA and a bit of a Martyr.  She doesn't sound like a lovely person at all.

My question to you is why you would take a weeks vacation to spend with her.  You've stated the BILs/SILS that live in the town don't make an effort to spend time with you for the week you're there.   I understand that 5 hours seems like a long drive, but I would only spend 2-3 days at most.  (And to show my perspective, I have to drive 2 hours [140 miles] to the closest mall to buy shoes or clothing-so it really isn't that far for a visit IMO.) 

Lemons, you seem to be such a nice person, not trying to hurt anyone's feelings and feeling guilty about looking to your (and your DH and child's) needs.  But there are times when you just stand up and confront the PA head-on.  If your MIL's feelings are hurt-well she's a big girl and can deal with it.  It hasn't bothered her to hurt your feelings for over 10 years.  Tell her that calling your time together Fake Christmas is hurtful to you and that Lemonsjr is old enough to notice and comment on it.  That may pull her up short.

[helixa]

I'm also wondering why it has to be the OP that deals with this, shouldn't her DH be the one to take his Mother aside and let her know how the comment is affecting him, the OP and her grandchild.