Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[snowflake]

I keep having these conversations with my neighbor that make my brain hurt.

My husband and I foster (no we aren't angels, so no need to comment on that.)  We have a 1 year old.  He was previously in a foster situation for a year.  (His mother has some problems and asked for help when he was young.)

Neighbor's gems:

Her: Well you don't have to worry about him waking up at night at that age.
Me: He sleeps through the night half the time and I'm glad that he does.
Her: But at that age all you have to do is tell him you are there and he'll be comforted.
Me: We'll just have to wait on that.
Her: Children just calm down when they know their parents are near.
Me: He thinks I'm some random stranger who he has to live with.
Her: Well just tell him you're his parents!

and

Her: He must be a happy baby now that he's in a safe home.  (She doesn't know what the last home was like or whether it was safe or not.)
Me: He's adjusting.  He misses his last family.
Her: Oh no, babies automatically know when they're in a better home.
Me: Babies normally prefer their parents no matter what.
Her: Just tell him that you are the parents now!

and

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.
Me: He's nervous.  We're hoping he eventually is comfortable enough to let us know his needs.
Her: Tell him he has no reason to be nervous!

It's hit the point where I see her and my brain starts to hurt on instinct. 

[LB]

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

 

Is she saying she should have tried putting her kids in foster care so that foster parents would make them obedient?

[Midnight Kitty]

Her: Well just tell him you're his parents!

Huh? At 1 year old?  I don't think his brain can process that input yet.

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

Should have tried what?  Farm them out as foster children so they will appreciate her more?  That makes no sense, but that is what it sounds like to me.

[gramma dishes]

I keep having these conversations with my neighbor that make my brain hurt.

My husband and I foster (no we aren't angels, so no need to comment on that.)  We have a 1 year old.  He was previously in a foster situation for a year.  (His mother has some problems and asked for help when he was young.)

Neighbor's gems:

Her: Well you don't have to worry about him waking up at night at that age.
Me: He sleeps through the night half the time and I'm glad that he does.
Her: But at that age all you have to do is tell him you are there and he'll be comforted.
Me: We'll just have to wait on that.
Her: Children just calm down when they know their parents are near.
Me: He thinks I'm some random stranger who he has to live with.
Her: Well just tell him you're his parents!

and

Her: He must be a happy baby now that he's in a safe home.  (She doesn't know what the last home was like or whether it was safe or not.)
Me: He's adjusting.  He misses his last family.
Her: Oh no, babies automatically know when they're in a better home.
Me: Babies normally prefer their parents no matter what.
Her: Just tell him that you are the parents now!

and

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.
Me: He's nervous.  We're hoping he eventually is comfortable enough to let us know his needs.
Her: Tell him he has no reason to be nervous!

It's hit the point where I see her and my brain starts to hurt on instinct.

If this is an inappropriate question, please let me know and I will delete this post entirely.  But if the child is one and he's already been in foster care for a year, that means probably from pretty early infancy.  We know babies bond at an early age.  May I ask why they would move a toddler that has already bonded with another family?  Is the purpose to keep the child from attaching too much to any one couple so that they can someday be reunited with their birth parent?  I've never understood this.  I'd like to know the reasoning.  But as I said, this question may be inappropriate and I do understand that you may not want to or be able to answer.

[ladyknight1]

I keep having these conversations with my neighbor that make my brain hurt.

My husband and I foster (no we aren't angels, so no need to comment on that.)  We have a 1 year old.  He was previously in a foster situation for a year.  (His mother has some problems and asked for help when he was young.)

Snip

My biological family fostered children for many years. I salute you, it is a very tough thing to do.

[amylouky]

If this is an inappropriate question, please let me know and I will delete this post entirely.  But if the child is one and he's already been in foster care for a year, that means probably from pretty early infancy.  We know babies bond at an early age.  May I ask why they would move a toddler that has already bonded with another family?  Is the purpose to keep the child from attaching too much to any one couple so that they can someday be reunited with their birth parent?  I've never understood this.  I'd like to know the reasoning.  But as I said, this question may be inappropriate and I do understand that you may not want to or be able to answer.

I don't know the specific reason why snowflake's little one was moved, but I have seen this happen. Generally it is not to keep the child from attaching too much. That may have been the reason in years past but nowadays (Thank God!) the system seems to be a little smarter about infant/child attachment. When we were fostering (closed since adopting a year ago, may reopen soon!), we were what is known as a "concurrent" home. Meaning, we would get placed with children on the basis that if reunification wasn't successful, we were already approved and willing to adopt if necessary. At least in my state, most really little ones are placed in concurrent homes unless it's strongly suspected they'll be going back to their birth families.

I know of a family who had a sibling group for about a year, then the mother was diagnosed with a usually fatal form of cancer. They did move the sibling group (after a transition period).. heartbreaking.

Another family that I know had a newborn for four months. The grandmother then got permanent custody of her, and she was with gma for three months, when gma decided that it was too much. In that time, the original family had taken placement of a group of three older children that had varying issues.. developmental delays and emotional issues. It wasn't a safe situation for the now-7 month old to return to, so they placed her in another foster home.

There are a lot of things that can happen to cause a child to be moved, even the little ones.

[PeterM]

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

 

Is she saying she should have tried putting her kids in foster care so that foster parents would make them obedient?

I'm wondering that, too. I can't help but feel it would've backfired on her if she'd tried it, and I can just imagine the conversation she'd be having with Snowflake now.

"I put my kids into foster care so they'd come back more obedient, but one of the foster parents told them 'We're your parents now' so now that I have them back they keep acting up and demanding to go back to their 'real parents!' Can you believe it?"

[Elfmama]

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

 

Is she saying she should have tried putting her kids in foster care so that foster parents would make them obedient?

I'm wondering that, too. I can't help but feel it would've backfired on her if she'd tried it, and I can just imagine the conversation she'd be having with Snowflake now.

"I put my kids into foster care so they'd come back more obedient, but one of the foster parents told them 'We're your parents now' so now that I have them back they keep acting up and demanding to go back to their 'real parents!' Can you believe it?"

I rather suspect that it's the other way around. "You should be thankful you have good parents, Rotten Kid.  Maybe I should farm you out to foster care and you can learn what bad parents are like.  THEN you'd mind me, I bet!"

[violinp]

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

 

Is she saying she should have tried putting her kids in foster care so that foster parents would make them obedient?

I'm wondering that, too. I can't help but feel it would've backfired on her if she'd tried it, and I can just imagine the conversation she'd be having with Snowflake now.

"I put my kids into foster care so they'd come back more obedient, but one of the foster parents told them 'We're your parents now' so now that I have them back they keep acting up and demanding to go back to their 'real parents!' Can you believe it?"

I rather suspect that it's the other way around. "You should be thankful you have good parents, Rotten Kid.  Maybe I should farm you out to foster care and you can learn what bad parents are like.  THEN you'd mind me, I bet!"

Unfortunately, I can imagine some parents threatening to do that to their children. 

[greencat]

Her: He's so obedient.  He must be very thankful for you.  I should have tried this because my kids are not obedient at all.

 

Is she saying she should have tried putting her kids in foster care so that foster parents would make them obedient?

I'm wondering that, too. I can't help but feel it would've backfired on her if she'd tried it, and I can just imagine the conversation she'd be having with Snowflake now.

"I put my kids into foster care so they'd come back more obedient, but one of the foster parents told them 'We're your parents now' so now that I have them back they keep acting up and demanding to go back to their 'real parents!' Can you believe it?"

I rather suspect that it's the other way around. "You should be thankful you have good parents, Rotten Kid.  Maybe I should farm you out to foster care and you can learn what bad parents are like.  THEN you'd mind me, I bet!"

Unfortunately, I can imagine some parents threatening to do that to their children. 

Was just about to post that my mom did threaten me with how awful foster care was when I threatened to call CPS on her...you don't really realize how dysfunctional your childhood is until you have normal peoples' experiences to compare it to!

[Wulfie]

Was just about to post that my mom did threaten me with how awful foster care was when I threatened to call CPS on her...you don't really realize how dysfunctional your childhood is until you have normal peoples' experiences to compare it to!

I don't remember where I heard it at but I think the best response ever to a child threatening to call CPS because Mom or Dad would not cave to their SS demand was "Go head, they can't make me take you back. "

[snowflake]

If this is an inappropriate question, please let me know and I will delete this post entirely.  But if the child is one and he's already been in foster care for a year, that means probably from pretty early infancy.  We know babies bond at an early age.  May I ask why they would move a toddler that has already bonded with another family?  Is the purpose to keep the child from attaching too much to any one couple so that they can someday be reunited with their birth parent?  I've never understood this.  I'd like to know the reasoning.  But as I said, this question may be inappropriate and I do understand that you may not want to or be able to answer.

Not inappropriate, but I don't want this thread to turn into a side-tracked discussion.  I'll just say that as much as I like fostering, it does take a whole lot of energy and resources and there are lots of reasons why people decide to stop.  The last family had some events beyond their control and decided they were going to stop fostering.  This is not uncommon. 

As for what she meant about foster care making kids obedient, I'm not completely sure what she meant.  I think she might have meant that fostering instead of biological kids might be easier.  She has these odd ideas going around in her head and just doesn't filter them.  A few months ago, I would ask her what her comments meant and no amount of explanation made sense to me.  So it's anyone's guess.

That's why my brain hurts when I see her.

[gramma dishes]

Thank you for responding, and I agree that the actual discussion should not be side tracked by my question.

[LB]

Was just about to post that my mom did threaten me with how awful foster care was when I threatened to call CPS on her...you don't really realize how dysfunctional your childhood is until you have normal peoples' experiences to compare it to!

I don't remember where I heard it at but I think the best response ever to a child threatening to call CPS because Mom or Dad would not cave to their SS demand was "Go head, they can't make me take you back. "

Ha!

*scribbles in her Book of Mom Phrases*

[Jocelyn]

If this is an inappropriate question, please let me know and I will delete this post entirely.  But if the child is one and he's already been in foster care for a year, that means probably from pretty early infancy.  We know babies bond at an early age.  May I ask why they would move a toddler that has already bonded with another family?  Is the purpose to keep the child from attaching too much to any one couple so that they can someday be reunited with their birth parent?  I've never understood this.  I'd like to know the reasoning.  But as I said, this question may be inappropriate and I do understand that you may not want to or be able to answer.

Children may be moved because the original foster family no longer wishes to foster children, or cannot continue for some reason. Or, sadly enough, because the child is not safe in that particular home. Children have been abused in foster homes. One of the biggest risks is that a younger child can be abused by other foster children, as they act out their own abuse. Children may be moved if the permanency plan is for the child to return to the biological parents and the foster parents are unable to cope with that emotionally, so they're engaging in an emotional tug-of-war with the bio parents over the child. I've worked cases where the foster parents were telling the children that their biological parents were bad people who didn't love them, or constantly criticizing the birth parents, trying to make the child choose them over their bio parents. It doesn't really apply in this case, but older kids can be moved because their conduct is so disruptive that the foster family asks to have them removed, or they need to be placed in a more structured environment.