Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[Shalamar]

I have a male co-worker friend who's in his early 40's.  He's had a couple of girlfriends over the years, but nothing serious up until this year.

Traditionally, he's always gone to a female friend's Christmas party as her plus-one.  It's always been accepted that they're just going as friends.  He likes this particular party because there's an open bar and the door prizes are really good.

Well, this year he has a serious girlfriend (they're talking marriage in a year or two).  He announced to her that he'd be busy on December 8, because he was going to this party with Female Friend.   He was honestly puzzled when Girlfriend got upset and said that she wasn't comfortable with it.  They ended up having a huge fight with her saying point-blank "It's either me or the party.  Choose."

I gotta say, I'm on Girlfriend's side on this one.  I have absolutely no problem with my husband having female friends, but if he told me that he'd be leaving me at home alone on a Saturday night for an evening of dancing and drinking and fun with another woman, I'd definitely have something to say about it - platonic or not. 

Is it just me?

[Black Delphinium]

Me personally, I'd be all "win me something good" and settling in with my copy of The Sims 3 and maybe some RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix(things that are harder to enjoy with Simkin around). But I'm a homebody like that.

[Outdoor Girl]

I would want to meet the friend, if I hadn't already, but otherwise?  Have a good time but you'd better take me out for a nice dinner some other time.  And don't give me any grief if I want to go out with the 'boys' - my skiing buddy comes to mind.  We ski once a week or so through the winter, conditions permitting.  Fortunately, his wife is very secure and has no problem with it.  She and I have hung out, without him, occasionally, too.

[Mental Magpie]

Me personally, I'd be all "win me something good" and settling in with my copy of The Sims 3 and maybe some RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix(things that are harder to enjoy with Simkin around). But I'm a homebody like that.

Ditto (change a few of the likes an hobbies that is), especially because this is a tradition kind of thing. Further, this is a random Saturday night, not a holiday or birthday or big event. I think the girlfriend needs to get over it and let her boyfriend have a fun night out without her.

[NyaChan]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

[Outdoor Girl]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

[PeterM]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

Yeah, it sounds to me mostly like he handled it badly. If he'd said that he and his friend had a standing date every year and that he both wants to go and doesn't want to leave her pseudo-date-less, I think most people would understand even if they're not crazy about it.

[WillyNilly]

If my DH, who until recently was BF then DF, had said to me (or said now) "this is how it is!" I'd be annoyed.  If he came to me and said "hey this is what I've done and what I'd like to do do," I'd be fine with it.  Its holiday season, which means its party season and high-stress season and presuming they both work full time, Saturday nights are a 'premium' evening, so I think the Girlfriend deserved some thought and consideration, and ample advanced notice.  I would think this way even if he was going with a guy friend or even a relative.

[RooRoo]

I'm only up to page 72 so far, but just had to add this.

The phone just rang, a minute ago. The number shows as "unknown," but I have to answer those, since that's what shows when DH calls from work, or when they call for him.

Me: Hello?
Her: (As a greeting) Hey!
Me: Who is this?
Her: What's up?
Me: Who is this?
Her: Are you getting over here? (Nicely, but implying that I am late for something.)
Me, a bit impatiently: Who IS this?
Her: Oh... Uh... Oh... *click*

[LadyJaneinMD]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

That's true - I would have like to know ahead of time with some explanation, rather than it being sprung on me.  I don't expect to have any say in it but would like to be informed.  'Honey, for many years, I've accompanied friend to her Christmas party.  I'd like to continue to do that, if you're OK with it.'

But a partner who told me to choose between him and my friends?  Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

I had a boyfriend who had many female friends.  I had many male friends.  it was just fine with both of us, because we understood each other.

Then one day, the phone rang and it was an old friend of his from high school. I said, 'Oh sure! I'll tell him you called. He'd love to see you!'.

He dumped me for her.   Yes folks, I set up the DATE that my boyfriend dumped me for.  What a life.

[RooRoo]

I don't believe it! She called back!

Me: Hello?
Her: (garbled)
Me: I don't know who you are calling, but it's NOT ME.
Her: Listen, I have to go (garbled) so can you just leave the door...
Me (Rudely interrupting) YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER!
Her: But I just...
Me (Rudely interrupting again) YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER! I suggest you LOOK UP THE RIGHT ONE!

I now suspect that she was drunk.

The only excuse I can come up with for my rudeness is that I've been quite sick, and though feeling better, I'm still running a fever and have a headache. Also that it had become obvious that her ears were not connecting to her brain. So, I yelled. Time will tell... (RooRoo looks at the phone as if it were some kind of slimy alien)

[Piratelvr1121]

I see it differently - he is acting as another woman's date for a night.  I can understand why that would make someone uncomfortable especially since he didn't bother to check in with her first, not to ask permission but to explain and see how it would make her feel.  Instead he just went and announced it like it was a done deal and depending on how long they've been dating (I guess seriousness would trump length though), that's not cool.

I agree, I think I handled it badly. I don't mind DH having a female friend or two, but if he told me "Hey, I'm going to do this on this date without first checking to make sure I didn't have any plans for that night, or how I felt, I would NOT be very happy with him at all.

[Iris]

When we were dating DH had a 'friend' who kept asking him to do 'friend' things. I was fine with it - we both have friends of the opposite sex - until it became obvious that she was trying to get him to dump me and go out with her. She continued to keep in contact with him via phone until I realised that she was using these phone calls to encourage him to tell her all about any problems that he had with me. Then I did issue an ultimatum, a very dramatic 'your friend or me' type thing. So cliche, I know  .

So I'm torn on the Christmas party thing. If it is *just* a party plus a rather tactless mishandling and there is nothing else, then I think an ultimatum of 'the party or me' is OTT and I would say that maybe it's time to break up. If there is more to the story or if the girlfriend has an experience like mine in her past that makes her extra suspicious, then I would say they still need to work on their communication skills for sure.

[Shalamar]

Yeah, I think part of the issue with my male co-worker is that he's been single for so long, he's gotten into a lot of habits - and he often doesn't see any reason to alter those habits in any way.  Another example is that his mother used to live with him.  About a year ago (before he and Girlfriend started dating), Mom moved out to go live with Sister.  It didn't work out (Mom and Sister don't get along that well), so Mom moved back in with him recently.

Apparently, he just kind of announced it to Girlfriend like "Oh, by the way, Mom lives with me now."  Girlfriend was furious.  Male Co-worker was once again puzzled.   After all, he and Girlfriend weren't even living together - why did she care?  Except that, as I've mentioned, he and Girlfriend are planning to get married in a year or two.  It apparently never occurred to him that Girlfriend wouldn't be thrilled to share a roof with her mother-in-law.

[Iris]

^ A man who has his mother living with him, apparently forever, doesn't think a girlfriend should cause him to alter his life in any way, up to and including going out with other women, and also sees no reason to consult his (serious) girlfriend on life altering decisions?

Sounds like a catch. Yeah, I'm betting that this fight is over waaaaaaaaay more than the party and he just doesn't realise it.