Exchanges with People that Make Your Brain Hurt

[gramma dishes]

Major brain hurt with this Dear Prudie letter, "Should I tell my infertile Asian wife that I want all-white babies?"

SERIOUSLY?  I hope this guy has some seriously amazing redeeming qualities, or he's not going to be married for long 

I would have hated to see if his wife was fertile. From my experience being Chinese/Caucasian the Asian genes tend to be stronger than the Caucasian genes.

It bothers me almost as much that he refers to his wife as "infertile Asian wife" as it does his preference for all white children.  Why couldn't he have just said "My Asian wife and I are planning to adopt and ...".  The whole reference to her being infertile as the first adjective describing her is just as disgusting and disrespectful as the rest of it. 

I wonder how he would feel if their situation were reversed and she wrote a letter in which she referred to him as her "infertile pasty white husband".  She was "okay" with his whiteness, but really would prefer adopting Asian looking children who would look like her and her family.

[Grancalla]

My brain is still hurting from our team meeting on Friday... To keep things anonymous (and because it's funnier), I'm using an analogy. Say we're in charge of designing an ice cream scoop. It involves a co-worker who is a nice guy, but dense as granite, so I'll call him Granite.

Alice: "Here's the design for the new ice cream scoop!"
Granite: "What if the user wants sprinkles?"
Alice: "That's the sprinkle dispenser's job. That's being built by the sprinkles team, not the scoop team."
Granite: "But it's possible for a cone to have sprinkles."
Bob: "Yes, but that's not the scoop's job. Our job is to get the ice cream from the bucket to the cone, that's all."
Granite: "I think the scoop should be able to scoop ice cream with and without sprinkles."
Bob: "The sprinkles come after the scoop. If they want sprinkles, they'll need to go to the sprinkles dispenser AFTER they finish with the scoop."
Granite: "We need to implement fancy-shiny-buzzword, since the scoop doesn't know what type of topping the ice cream it's scooping will have."
Me: "Yes, it does. At this point, there's only one type of ice cream. It only scoops ice cream without toppings. Toppings are added later."
Granite: "But there's still multiple types of ice cream."
Me: "Not as far as the scoop is concerned. It scoops untopped ice cream only."
Granite: "...I still think we need to take the possibility of sprinkles into account."

And that, Your Honor, was when I shot him. Not really, but I think at least half the group with about ready to strangle poor Granite. The meeting was only supposed to be half an hour, but went on more than an hour because we kept arguing in circles.

[greencat]

Sometimes someone needs to stop people like that and say, "Granite, given what you're saying, you don't have a clear understanding of the situation.  I'll be happy to go over this with you after the meeting, but we need to move on now."

[Grancalla]

I agree. Unfortunately, I'm not the team lead, so that someone may not be me. :/

[PeterM]

Sometimes someone needs to stop people like that and say, "Granite, given what you're saying, you don't have a clear understanding of the situation.  I'll be happy to go over this with you after the meeting, but we need to move on now."

I would recommend the more generic "Granite, we have to move on. We can discuss this further after the meeting if you'd like."

I've known a Granite or two who would gladly argue for another half hour that it's not them who doesn't have a clear understanding.

[Slartibartfast]

Sometimes someone needs to stop people like that and say, "Granite, given what you're saying, you don't have a clear understanding of the situation.  I'll be happy to go over this with you after the meeting, but we need to move on now."

I would recommend the more generic "Granite, we have to move on. We can discuss this further after the meeting if you'd like."

I've known a Granite or two who would gladly argue for another half hour that it's not them who doesn't have a clear understanding.

I see that he's clearly wrong here, but "let's discuss this later" can be incredibly patronizing when you're the "Granite" and you know you're RIGHT.  Because nine times out of ten, when you do finally get through to them that you were right all along, you'll get told "It's too late now - we decided to do it the other way at the meeting!  We can do it your way next year, though."  When decisions are being made, "let's discuss this later" comes out to be "We've decided we don't want to hear what you have to say before we make our decisions."

[HorseFreak]

My brain is still hurting from our team meeting on Friday... To keep things anonymous (and because it's funnier), I'm using an analogy. Say we're in charge of designing an ice cream scoop. It involves a co-worker who is a nice guy, but dense as granite, so I'll call him Granite.

Alice: "Here's the design for the new ice cream scoop!"
Granite: "What if the user wants sprinkles?"
Alice: "That's the sprinkle dispenser's job. That's being built by the sprinkles team, not the scoop team."
Granite: "But it's possible for a cone to have sprinkles."
Bob: "Yes, but that's not the scoop's job. Our job is to get the ice cream from the bucket to the cone, that's all."
Granite: "I think the scoop should be able to scoop ice cream with and without sprinkles."
Bob: "The sprinkles come after the scoop. If they want sprinkles, they'll need to go to the sprinkles dispenser AFTER they finish with the scoop."
Granite: "We need to implement fancy-shiny-buzzword, since the scoop doesn't know what type of topping the ice cream it's scooping will have."
Me: "Yes, it does. At this point, there's only one type of ice cream. It only scoops ice cream without toppings. Toppings are added later."
Granite: "But there's still multiple types of ice cream."
Me: "Not as far as the scoop is concerned. It scoops untopped ice cream only."
Granite: "...I still think we need to take the possibility of sprinkles into account."

And that, Your Honor, was when I shot him. Not really, but I think at least half the group with about ready to strangle poor Granite. The meeting was only supposed to be half an hour, but went on more than an hour because we kept arguing in circles.

We have a guy at work like that. We'll be in a meeting with an agenda and it's supposed to be 45-60 minutes long since it starts 1 hour before lunch. I end up bringing snacks (OK for this situation) since my coworkers like to argue like children and my boss just goes around in circles telling everyone it will be OK. I actually missed my entire lunch one day since I had to meet students at 1 and the squabbling went on for two hours. One guy in particular just completely stopped the discussion one day:

Group: *Arguing about ideas to fix a student-related situation that should have been addressed years before and is now a Super Emergency*
Guy: [Very loud and forceful] "We need to address the widgets in Sector 10!!!!"
Group: *Silence, everyone looks at Guy like he's insane*
Coworker (whispers to Guy): "I think you need to bring that up during the 'Other Business' part of the meeting."
Guy: "But the widgets are very important..."

The meeting just continued on from there. To be clear, neither the widgets nor Sector 10 have anything to do with business of the people attending the meeting. I'm not sure why he's even invited to our meetings since we were discussing business that has nothing to do with him and the projects he fumbles around with all day. He's actually just a guy who's been kicked out of three departments for being useless and no one will fire for whatever reason. My boss made us all go to a presentation Guy gave and it was clear he hadn't a clue what he was talking about, had just copied and pasted others' research, made some tables with numbers and recited the numbers to us.

I'm so glad I'm leaving.

[Slartibartfast]

My friend Jane works at a very large company.  The man in charge of ordering supplies decided they were spending too much money on certain supplies - specifically, the paper bags that go inside the sanitary product disposal bins in the women's bathroom.  He found another vendor and ordered some newer, cheaper, paper bags.

These bags - I'm not exaggerating - are the size of your palm.  They wouldn't even fit one sanitary pad, much less a whole day's worth of trash.  Supply Ordering Guy didn't see what the problem was - surely feminine products can't be THAT big, right?  The women at the company revolted and a female manager (over Supply Guy's head) ordered some new bags in the proper size.

So now they have a ton of useless tiny paper bags.  Jane got creative: she's in charge of the company Christmas party this year, so she's putting LED candles inside the bags and using them as part of the Christmas centerpieces    Supply Guy and the other men at the company have no clue, but the women all think this is a hysterical idea. 

[gramma dishes]

^^^  Feminine Hygiene Luminaria?  Awesome!!   

[jpcher]

I love the repurposing of those bags! What a great idea!


I've never seen such small bags. Maybe they're intended for individual use and you're suppose to throw the bag in the general trash?

[PeterM]

I would recommend the more generic "Granite, we have to move on. We can discuss this further after the meeting if you'd like."

I've known a Granite or two who would gladly argue for another half hour that it's not them who doesn't have a clear understanding.

I see that he's clearly wrong here, but "let's discuss this later" can be incredibly patronizing when you're the "Granite" and you know you're RIGHT.  Because nine times out of ten, when you do finally get through to them that you were right all along, you'll get told "It's too late now - we decided to do it the other way at the meeting!  We can do it your way next year, though."  When decisions are being made, "let's discuss this later" comes out to be "We've decided we don't want to hear what you have to say before we make our decisions."

That's a completely different situation, though, despite the fact that it feels exactly the same when you are the Granite in the equation. He feels like he's the one sane man trying desperately to change things before they all go to hell, but in reality he doesn't know what he's talking about and is wasting everyone's time. How would you suggest dealing with him? It's pretty clear he's not going to suddenly realize he was wrong, and that he's also not going to drop it just because everyone disagrees with him and can explain why. Shutting him down entirely is really the only option, and I don't know of any ways to do that that won't ruffle feathers.

Even if he actually was right, at some point it has to become obvious that arguing isn't going to do any good. He could either ask the group leader to hold off on the final decision until they could discuss it privately, or he could go on record as being opposed to the idea and ask everyone to remember that when things inevitably go wrong. No matter which side is right, a never-ending argument isn't going to be the answer.

[Diane AKA Traska]

My friend Jane works at a very large company.  The man in charge of ordering supplies decided they were spending too much money on certain supplies - specifically, the paper bags that go inside the sanitary product disposal bins in the women's bathroom.  He found another vendor and ordered some newer, cheaper, paper bags.

These bags - I'm not exaggerating - are the size of your palm.  They wouldn't even fit one sanitary pad, much less a whole day's worth of trash.  Supply Ordering Guy didn't see what the problem was - surely feminine products can't be THAT big, right?  The women at the company revolted and a female manager (over Supply Guy's head) ordered some new bags in the proper size.

So now they have a ton of useless tiny paper bags.  Jane got creative: she's in charge of the company Christmas party this year, so she's putting LED candles inside the bags and using them as part of the Christmas centerpieces    Supply Guy and the other men at the company have no clue, but the women all think this is a hysterical idea.

EvilTraska suggests saving up one day's worth and leaving them on Supply Ordering Guy's desk.

[Shalamar]

I have a male co-worker friend who's in his early 40's.  He's had a couple of girlfriends over the years, but nothing serious up until this year.

Traditionally, he's always gone to a female friend's Christmas party as her plus-one.  It's always been accepted that they're just going as friends.  He likes this particular party because there's an open bar and the door prizes are really good.

Well, this year he has a serious girlfriend (they're talking marriage in a year or two).  He announced to her that he'd be busy on December 8, because he was going to this party with Female Friend.   He was honestly puzzled when Girlfriend got upset and said that she wasn't comfortable with it.  They ended up having a huge fight with her saying point-blank "It's either me or the party.  Choose."

I gotta say, I'm on Girlfriend's side on this one.  I have absolutely no problem with my husband having female friends, but if he told me that he'd be leaving me at home alone on a Saturday night for an evening of dancing and drinking and fun with another woman, I'd definitely have something to say about it - platonic or not. 

Is it just me?

[Black Delphinium]

Me personally, I'd be all "win me something good" and settling in with my copy of The Sims 3 and maybe some RuPaul's Drag Race on Netflix(things that are harder to enjoy with Simkin around). But I'm a homebody like that.

[Outdoor Girl]

I would want to meet the friend, if I hadn't already, but otherwise?  Have a good time but you'd better take me out for a nice dinner some other time.  And don't give me any grief if I want to go out with the 'boys' - my skiing buddy comes to mind.  We ski once a week or so through the winter, conditions permitting.  Fortunately, his wife is very secure and has no problem with it.  She and I have hung out, without him, occasionally, too.